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Mon, 04 Sep 2006 09:57:00

Rino Sightings for September 4, 2006 UPDATED

*skwaaaawk* Attention all units, 9-1-1 call reported a group acting suspiciously around the Blogsphere, I need a couple of units to clear and head over there to check it out. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, this is One Bravo Seventeen, we’re just a few blocks from that, log us on that call.  Do you have any more information on this group? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Dispatch add Three Mary Eleven to that call, we’re 30 seconds behind Seventeen. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Roger that Three Mary Eleven.  One Bravo Seventeen, caller says the group calls themselves the Raging RINOS.  They’re chanting something about not drinking Kool-Aid.  Be advised that we have no other information at this time.  Please investigate further and report ASAP. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk**bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, Bravo Seventeen on scene with that reported group.  First suspect says his name is Dan Nelson and that he has information about the recent Comair crash.  It appears that the air traffic controller involved was awake and on shift far longer than regs stipulate.  Advice Central to look into allegations.  Also, Nelson says the new contract with the controllers will result in longer hours and more fatigue for these folks.  I suggest we get a detective on this immediately. Subject seems to be on some sort of Crusade, according to him it involves a Searchlight?  Could be looking for the truth here, we should stay on top of this.*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Uhh, roger that Seventeen.  Will forward to detectives.  Keep us apprised of any new developments. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* That’s going to be easy, Control.  There’s a wiseguy here talking about Greta van Sustern’s head exploding over the loss of some crazy story involving Michael Jackson and HIV positive sharks.  I can’t make heads or tails out of it.  Suspect gave the name Buckley F. Williams, but I think it’s as plain as The Nose On Your Face that’s an alias.  Have Jones run the name through the database and see what we get.*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Will do Seventeen.  Control out. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Not so fast, Base...we got another one here, Suspect name Cody, resides at legal redux, says that Congress has no business trying to regulate the relationship between the NFL and the Players Association.  Seems the NFL is 11-42 at this time.  Close that one out, Control. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Roger One Bravo Seventeen, will*skwaaaawk**skwaaaawk* CONTROL!  Control this is Three Mary Eleven, we need backup to this location immediately!  Eric Scheie has just advised us that after being threatened with an 11-46 resulting in 10-54d by Muslim extremists our leaders did almost nothing and the media downplayed the severity of the threat.  There’s more about the role of propaganda and losing your life over not speaking nonsensical words, but we’re going to need a task force to unravel these discussions about integrity and Classical Values. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Mary Eleven, please don’t shout at Base, your radio is 10-92.  Will advise brass about threat, keep assisting Seventeen with the crowd for time being. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Base Seventeen again, Some confusion here from a subject calling himself the Commisar*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Did you ask him not to turn around, ah-uh-oh, Seventeen? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Very funny, Control.  I’m sure he doesn’t get that one every other day.  No, the confusion here is with the recent number of iraqi civilian casualties. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* You tell him that Central Division says nevermind asking questions and just do as he’s told. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, what is that, a Diktat from Command?  What is this, some kind of Politburo? I’ll pass it along.  I’m going to be a good soldier.  Good thing I’m already employed though.  One of these RINOS told us that almost twenty percent of the young vets coming home are unemployed!  That’s enough to get me and my partner mad...we’re thinking about taking the Rant World Wide.  These guys and gals need jobs. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Seventeen, Control would hire them all if we could.  How’s the crowd looking? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, crowd is larger than expected.  Someone must have done some email rallying to draw out the numbers.  Give me a minute to finish up here and interview the next subject.*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control to Three Mary Eleven, please report situation. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Base Three Mary Eleven is a little busy, this angry suspect is giving us an earful.  I wish I knew why he was so mad.*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Mary Eleven, tell him to read enrevanche and find out why Americans are so angry.  It might diffuse the situation. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* That did it base, thanks for the heads-up.*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, Seventeen here.  I’ve got a male subject named Coffey, Mark, saying that the U.N is basically 11-24, and it looks like he’s 100% correct.  I need someone to make a Decision on this before ‘08.*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Roger that Seventeen, passing info up the chain.  Will advise.*bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, do we have anything on file for oil conspiracy? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Nothing, Seventeen, why? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Oh, we have a subject here talking about how people believe any crazy conspiracy about oil company collusion.  I swear, some people will Say Anything to get our attention.  Everyone knows the oil companies are all holding secret cabal meetings at Bohemian Grove. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* One Bravo Seventeen, you’re starting to sound like Michael Moore.  Do you need backup? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* No, Control.  It’s just that after listening to some joker named Kerry prattle on about the President and a 469, I’m a little stressed. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* I think you have the wrong President, Seventeen.  It was the last one who liked 469s. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Well aren’t you funny, Control.  It’s Receiving Stolen Property.  Don’t you have a chart with these codes or something?  Maybe you could look them up on Google and string them all together in some kind of sarcasting and fanciful narrative? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Seventeen get back to work.  We have a report from on scene of a Six-Four in progress, any details? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Well, I turned into quite a Digger for that info, Control.  Looked all over this Realm until i found the details you need.  California has passed legislation that can be called nothing less than simply robbery.  Free health care for any and everyone at the taxpayer’s expense. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Seventeen check again, that makes no sense.  Are the reports that they passed this without finding funding accurate? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, I checked three times, all parties tell the same story.  It’s true. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* My brother works out of the LAPD Wilshire.  He’s going to have his hands full when every homeless person in America moves there. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* You said it.  Uhh, Control, can you run down some info on a place called Respectful Insolence?  I’m getting a story here about animal rights using terrorist tactics and moral equivalency.  Seems far-fetched that anyone would advocate the murder of a human being while pretending to care about the rights of animals, I need clarification on this one. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* That information checks out, Seventeen. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control, Three Mary eleven again, we have another complaint here about the UN.  Should we roll units to pick them up? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Mary Eleven, there’s no point.  They’re immune to criticism.  And common sense. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* I suppose it would take an Artist to paint a picture where they weren’t useless. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Or just a regular guy using the Art of The Blog, Eleven.  You should read my blog, it’s called “Dispatches from the*skwaaaawk* Control this is an open channel, drop the personal advertising.  We have a possible 11-25 Code X, I repeat Code X *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* One Bravo Seventeen, this is Nine Adam Six, did you say Code X? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Adam Six, Code X is affirmative.  One of the nicest most exotic Code X’s you’ll see this week. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Bravo Seventeen, I’m five blocks away, can you detain the Code X until our arrival? *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Negative Adam Six, we’re 910 here, assistance is not needed.  Remain on patrol. We’ll take care of the pretty lady. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* *sigh* Fine, Seventeen.  You just better get back to the barn before I do, because if I get ahold of one of your uniform shirts, I’m sending it to Africa. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* I’m not exactly scared, Adam Six.  We all know the elephants can’t swim. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* All units this is Control.  Crowd has been addressed and processed, reports are the area is secure.  Return to regular patrols, and stop chasing Code X’s.  Control out. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* All units this is Control again, we have a late sighting purporting election trickery in Yemen.  Any units near there please respond.  We have multiple reports of dirty tricks in the Yemen elections.  We need a resolution, please respond. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control to all units.  You all better not be at the doughnut shop again. *bleep*

(Hours later)

*skwaaaawk* Control, I’m about to log off shift, but before I do, can we make sure that someone collects the important editorials from Sunday? I need to read about Hillary!  *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control to Bravo Seventeen - You’re worse than the New York Times.  Come on back to the barn and waste your time if you want. *bleep*


Later, back at the Hall of Justice...(no wait, that’s not right.) Later that same day...

*skwaaaawk* Base this is Charlie Two Seven requesting update on missing RINOS.  Seems some submissions didn’t get through and the natives are restless, please advise. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Control to Charlie Two Seven, be advised those missing RINOS can send you their information and you are to add to this report as necessary. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* Roger that Control.  Switching to PA. *click* O.K. listen up people, something went wrong here, could be a spam filter, could be Bush’s fault, we don’t know.  As of now, our information says to email your concerns to a stark23x at gmail dot com with the subject “RINO SIGHTINGS” and it will get through.  A special filter has been put in place to override any default spamcatching.  Now, I know one of you has already done this, a certain Scott with a discussion about the Clintons and their revisionist history as relates directly to suspect O. bin Laden, still at large.  Please take a moment to review this material as it makes perfect sense when you aren’t a deranged moonbat.  We’ll be here on scene to update you with further developments.  Please stay calm. *bleep*

*skwaaaawk* *click* Attention citizens, more information is forthcoming in the missing RINO case.  Apparently what was supposed to be a simple process, forwarding from one address to another, broke down somewhere around the 17th Street Canal.  The Army Corps of Engineers is denying responsibility at this time.  Here is a list of updated sighting, accurate as of 21:59 Eastern time:

Jennifer reports in person from a net neutrality rally, with photos.  Citizens are urged to support this idea as goofy sites like the one you are currently reading may go the way of the Dodo and Pets.com if the telecoms get their way.

A Typical Joe has advised this department of a possible 484 on the part of Six Apart, makers of Movable Type.  Subject is advised to try Wordpress or if he wants actual support from a professional company and the ability to import his MT files, ExpressionEngine by pMachine.  There is a free version you can try before you commit any monetary funds.

Also be aware that Bloodspite, his streetname, has informed us of more reasons to be concerned about our borders.  Narcotics has confirmed his point about moving 300 tons of cocaine and how easy it would be to move something much smaller, such as a nuclear weapon.  Advise we all begin contacting our Congresspersons and voice our concerns.

Finally, in what must be taken with the utmost seriousness, Tom Hanna informs us that as of September 7th, provisions in the McCain-Feingold act will make it, with rare exception, illegal to voice an opinion on a personal blog(pops).  While it is not official policy for this department to advise against following the law, in rare cases a point must be made.  This officer is personally recommending that John McCain and Russ feingold eat glass and that bloggers everywhere completely ignore these provisions.

More updates as they come in.  *bleep*


Posted by JimK at 09:57 AM on September 04, 2006
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