Rock Of Love Week 10 - Meet The Parents, or “Hi Mom & Dad, your daughter’s a whore and I’m a douche”

Welcome to this week’s installment of Rock of Love.  It promises to be quite a winner.

First off, bonus content - We all remember Brandi C. right?  Well, apparently that little “experiment” she did for a week or two resulted in a plethora of porn films, because homegirl has another one.  Unfortunately I can’t host this video, it’s just too long, she’s in the first hour and 40 minutes.  You can see release data for (or buy a copy of) Bachelor Party Fuckfest 5 here (NSFW).  You can get a torrent here.  She may be as dumb as a box of dirt and have one of the worst belly tattoos in the history of ink, but the girl knows how to use her buh-gine.  Gotta give her that.  And anything else you might want to give her, because apparently she’s open to the idea.  Bring twenties.  Lots of twenties.

Now, on with the show…

First off, a glossary of the whores that are left:

Bret Michaels: Douchey, Douchebag, and all form of the word “Douche.”
Heather: Stripper Showmytits, Grandma, etc.
Lacey: Red Sonja, Red Cuntya, Cunty McCunterson, etc.
Jes: Punky Brewster.

- Recap: Red being Cuntya.

- Another beautiful morning at Douchebag Central.  Grandma and Cuntya are declaring that it’s game on, and Punky is talking about her connection to Douchey.  I almost want to cry for her.

- Oh frigging fuck friggers.  Douchebag has the guitar again.  Confessional: He calls them “The Awesome Threesome?” That’s not even a douche-quality nickname.  That’s some third-grade gang that has a clubhouse made out of an old refrigerator box they found over by the railyard with a sign out front that says “GURLZ STINK.” Jesus H. Hairspray this guy might be a high-functioning retard, for reals.

- Parents are coming.  Heather’s parents are first.  Dad look like he drinks - heavily.  She barely acknowledges her mom.  Her parents are divorced and she’s only seen them in the same room together twice in her life.  Wait, you mean to tell me that a stripper comes from a divorced family and has daddy attachment issues?  HOLY FUCK CALL CNN THIS IS NEWS.

- Douche comes out of the Fortress of Douchitude to some oddly omnious music...he’s a-scareded of meeting Stripper-Rents.  StripperMom (Brenda) and StripperDad (David) make a good impression on Douche, who starts talking football with StripperDad.  It’s the generic kind of football talk that make you want to tear out your ears and shove them down the speaker’s throat.  Next up: Punky’s parental units.

- The Punk Family Robinson shows up.  They look so utterly and completely normal and suburban.  Mom’s a bit short and a little chub, dad’s a big ol’ golfin’ CPA-lookin’ dude.  She talk about how her parents are fun and like her friends, etc.  That’s nice.  Hopefully her parents will talk some sense into her and make her realize that Douche is...well...a douche, and beneath her.  PunkMom is named Deb...as you might almost guess someone who looks like her would be.  Dad is named Jim.  You know, I’ve always hated the fact that my name was so CPA, drive-a-minivan generic.  ;)

Her parents are those slightly inappropriate, too-friendly kind...the kind that make jokes about their daughter’s tits and shit.  Gee, I sure am glad my in-laws aren’t like tha//////what?  Oh FUCK.  Yeah...been there, done that.  Remind me someday to tell everyone the “While you were at the movies, we had unprotected sex” conversation I was forced to sit through due to the “open, friends” relationship a certain someone has with certain other someones.

*cough*

- CuntyRents show up.  CuntDad’s got himself a hottie.  SubstituteCuntMom is kind of a babe!  So CuntDad says “Ready to come home now?” And note carefully Red Cuntya’s reply: “I have two more girl’s asses to kick, then I’m coming home.” Not “I want to win the love of this man first.” Not, “Just as soon as I bag this dude.” Nothing about Bret at all.  Just Lacey winning.  That’s all she has ever cared about.  I almost hope she wins...once again, who deserves each other more than a cunt and a douche?

CuntDad is immediately turned off by the giant pic of Lacey as the “devil” in the photo shoot contest.  Hoo boy.  Wait’ll CuntDad gets wind of what his lovely whore cunt bitch fucking asshole jerk scumbag of a daughter has been up to....

- Douche rolls up to Otis, who shall herefore be referred to only as CuntDad.  StepCunt is named Karen and looks like maybe, just maybe, she’s not much older than Lacey.  I’d like to rip on Dad for that, but why in the fuck would I?  Good for him.  And his Cialis prescription.  Turns out Douche met CuntDad on a plane six years ago.  CuntDad: “I actually showed him a picture of Lacey on that flight, and he said ‘Gee she’s really pretty’ and he said ‘Can I date her,’ and I said ‘she’s way too young for you.’” Dude.  He’s only older now.  :) I don’t think CuntDad likes Bret at all.  Bret thought he was “really odd” from the plane ride.  As we break this little get-together up, Dad is giving Bret the evil eye.  The commercial.

- We return to find everyone gathered in the living room, and from there Douche picks families to get to know.  Stripper Grandma and StripperRents get to go with Douche to “one of his fvorite places to eat,” (read: the ones that paid VH1 so he has to say that) The Saddle Ranch Chop House.  Shit, I’ll eat there.  I’ll pay them to eat there.  Dead animals an open flame.  Fuck yeah.  I do wish he’d brought Lacey here though.  ;)

Everyone proceeds to get drunk and tell stories about farts and poop and stuff.  Dad’s a total drunken redneck stereotype.  Wow, hard to believe a couple of fun-loving divorced drunks like this produced a dancer with issues, eh?  You never hear about that.  Usually strippers come from such wholesome backgrounds are are only dancing to pay for school.

Now it’s time for Stripper to ride the mechanical bull, which we all know when chicks do it, it’s a metaphor for ridin’ that cock.  So, great thing to do with the ‘rents!  Heather in confessional: “My tatters are flyin’ everywhere...” Like this is new?  All you do is wave your “tatters” around like they were currency!  Which, to you, they are, so I guess that makes sense.

Anyway, they all got along and had a good time.  He sends the StripperFamily home in a limo.  He heads to meet Punk Family Robinson at “Rock & Roll Religion,” a Melrose Ave fashion hole for “rockers.” So, they paid a sponsorship fee as well then.  I mean, just say it.  Don’t pretend these are all your favorite places to go, dick.  And VH1.  You’re all dicks too.  We’re not stupid, we know these are sponsors.

Before I describe what happens at the shop, I feel the need to mention that Bret is being a douchebag again.  Instead of just ending his confessional cutaway with the simple fact that he’s taking them to this shop, he feels the need to end with “Off we go.” And then he did a total dick/douche versin of the ZZ Top pointing finger gesture.  It was half dick, half douche.  Diche?  Douck?  Bret?  WHatever, it made me want to slap him in his old man jowls.

So...PunkRents, the kid and the old rock dude hit the shop.  Montage of dressing up.  The PunkRents are playing it up and eeryone’s having fun.  BORING!  Nothing to mock, really.  MOVE ON!  We don’t watch this shit to see things go well!  Maybe PunkMom will grab Bret’s cock or something.  Spice some shit up around here!  Douche calls it a “nine-and-a-half, if not ten” date...but it’s time for CuntFam and the DeathStare of Doom...time for Lacey’s parent and his young fucktoy replacement for Lacey’s dead mother.

- This time we get a commercial for “eat. on sunset.” That’s the name.  Lower case like that, because it’s still 1994 where these people live.  “eat. on sunset.” With the punctuation and everything.  I want to open a public toilet next door with holes in the adjoining wall instead of urinals and call it “piss.  on eat.  on sunset.” I wonder if I could get a bank loan for that?

Inside, and CuntDad is grilling Douche.  Question after question..."I was like a boxer trapped in the corner.” Good.  Except for the fact that he spawned that hell-creature, and doesn’t seem to know his daughter is half-a-whore and a whole cunt, CuntDad’s not my least favorite person on this show right now.  Someone ought to question Douchebag McBaldfuck on his bullshit.

Douche asks if the fries are hot, and CuntDad is all “I think it’s all the lies you’re tellin’!” Heh.  I think that penetrating gaze sees all...of course the reality is CuntDad is crazy as a shithouse rat and twice as ugly, but if he focuses his madness on Bret, like some kind of demented laser beam of aggressive ridiculousness, I’m all for it.  Douche is pissed in his confessional because he “hasen’t even got to lie yet.” Oh please.  You lie to yourself every morning when you strap that bandanna on, Baldy.  You been lying to bitches and their parents for years.  CuntDad’s got your number.

- Uhh...CuntDad’s all informing Bret Michaels that if he wants to get married, there will be a pre-nup.  Hmm.  Lacey’s father is rich and utterly blind when it comes to his daughter.  Explains a lot.  Anyhoo, besides the fact that old, bald, developing jowls and losing his fanbase as Bret may be, he’s got a few mil in the bank.  Dad is way, way out of touch with reality.  But I love how uncomfortable he makes Douche.  Douche is mad because A) CuntDad is crazy and jumping ahead of things, and B) Lacey has represented herself as a starving musician who barely gets by.

Oh, also?  TrophyStepCunt hasn’t spoken a word.

CuntDad goes on a rampage: “The thing about Lacey is, she’s a Presidential scholar, she never does drugs, she doesn’t smoke, she doesn’t drink a whole lot...” Cut to montage of Lacey drinking and whoring it up on the show.  CuntDad is totally and utterly clueless about who his daughter is.  This is gonna be fun when Heather unloads on him.

OH SHIT!  OH SHIT!  Oh this is too fucking sweet.  CuntDad is crazy like a junebug in July, but motherfucker straight up says to Bret Michaels “Can I ask you another (mumble)...Do you have hair underneath that hat?” Bret: Yeah.” Confessional: “What in the fuck is up with Lacey’s dad?” Then he shoots CuntDad the DeathStare of Doom:

-

HA!  Bald fucker got called out.  Notice he didn’t remove the hat to prove that he has hair.  Now, in fairness he has some hair under there.  Just, you know, not a hell of a lot of it.

Lacey’s confessional: “I think that Bret was a little bit shaken up by my dad at lunch today, and that’s not exactly how I wanted things to go, so, I’m getting a little bit worried about what might be going through Bret’s mind.”

Let’s take a visit into the mind of Bret Douchebag Michaels for just a moment, shall we?

“Damn.  I still look so fine.  I mean, look at my ass.  Have these people seen my ass?  I have the ass of a 20 year old.  Wow, this old fucker sure is out of touch with his crazy whore of a daughter.  Hey, did I ask Big John to buy extra condoms for this weekend?  I wonder if that chick from the clothing store would do a group scene with me and Jes.  That would be kickass.  I could write a song about it, something like “I may be older, and my memory comes and goes-uh, but I still get young ass, especially after shows-uh!  I met this fine young thing, for this show she dressed me-uh, now I hope she comes, and so do I and Jes makes three-uh!  The miles come between us...” Oh wait that was one of CC’s lyrics.  Fuck.  Is he still talking about Lacey?  Jesus, I should tell him what a manipulative, cunty drunk she is, but I’m too scared of him without Big John around.  Fucking dick.  I’m thinking that you’re daughter’s a lying whorey cunt right now, old man.  Can you read my thoughts?  I don’t have many of them, it should be easy.  Where’s my waitress?  Fuck, those fries were hot.”

Lunch over, back to the house for dinner with all the parents.  As we return, Douche is saying via confessional that he’s not sure if he believes Lacey.  Uhh...dude?  She’s a lying cuntbucket.

- Lacey takes her parents into her and Heather’s bedroom.  She;s stunned to find Stripper topless.  First of all, it’s her bedroom.  Secondly, IT’S HEATHER!  Of course she’s topless!  For fuck’s sake you’re lucky she didn’t drop to her knees and try to unzip your dad’s pants! 

StripperShowMyTits: “Lacey’s Dad is completely starin’ at my tatters, it’s like, freakin’ me out.  Creepy.  Creepy Creeperton, OK?”

She’s not kidding, and that ain’t all he’s starin’ at.  Check it:

Cree.  Pee.

- Cut to Cuntya talking shit about Stripper in confessional and to her parents.  Ahh, loyalty.  Friendship.  Such a wonderful thing.  StepCunt asks Red if she “did anything” after being shown the stripper pole.  Lacey says, with a straight face from years of practicing lying to her parents: “No.”

Lacey tries her passive-agressive shit on Heather, calling across the room for Stripper grandma to do some moves on the pole, but Heather just walks away.  Then we get a shot of Heather telling her parents all the crazy shit that she personally has done on the show.  Wow.  Leveling with them before they see the tape or hear it elsewhere.  Smart move, and probably a sign that her parents may not be the pile of neuroses and issues that Lacey’s dad seems to be.  Good for her.  She tells her parents that she;s gonna call Red out at dinner.  Suh-weet.  Commercial.

- Back, and Big John calls everyone to dinner. The table is tense, as Jes put it.  Douche walks in.  “I walk out to the table, and there’s a definite funk to the air.” Ya think?  Lacey;s here and her dad is fucking crazy, and ignorant.  Of course there’s a funk.  Or, you forgot to wash after one of the “superfans” left.  One or the other.

- Red and her batshit crazy daddy decide to “get the conversation started.” Oh, this should go very well.  Punky: “Lacey and her dad, being the two fuckers that they are...” Damn.  Jes sees this after what, two seconds with CuntDad?  And she can’t see Bret is a douche?  Jes, Jes, Jes...you poor, starstruck young’un.  He’s a douchedick.  Run away!

Anyway, The Cunts are grilling everyone.  Jes tells her story, and Heather is next.  Lo and behold, ths stripper has a couple of minor degrees...a two-year liberal arts degree and a BA in communications, which ultimately means that she spent four years to be qualified to...strip.  Because those two degrees are worthless.  But hey, she did it, and that’s saying something at least.  She’s not a total dipshit, she just knows where her skills lie.  In waving her “tatters” and separating stupid men from their money.

- CuntDad is bragging about his clients throughout...but also drops the fact that Lacey doesn’t have a job...Red tries to cut him off when everyone asks what she does by saying that she’s a musician, but he tells the table she lives off investments and plays the market, Can we say poseur?  Why does she hide that shit?  I’d be telling fucking everyone.  “Hells yes I’m loaded.  I decided to start a band and fuck around all day.  Wanna make something of it, dickheads?” But noooo...she’s gotta play starving artist.  Dippy bitch.

Jes: “He clearly has absolutely no idea who his daughter is.” No shit.  And then Heather starts...she’s “jokingly” talking about Lacey’s wild shit in the house, Red Cuntya’s trying to play it down, and CuntDad is doing one of two things: Either he’s getting pissed off, or he’s trying to pretend none of this is happening and doing a mental “LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” routine.

- StepCunt takes Red into the kitchen to ask about what the deal is with Heather.  Lacey talks to her with the same fake bitch tone she uses on everyone...and plays all dumb like she doesn’t know exactly why Heather is saying the shit she’s saying.  I think Lacey is incapable of being honest.

- Grandma and Douche are talking about the bull at the Saddle Ranch, and CuntDad is all “Who eats at a restaurant with a mechanical bull.” Oh, well, excuse me, Senor Sophisticate.  I wasn’t aware you were from Devonshire and held your fucking pinky out when drinking a cup of Earl Grey.  What the fuck?  This dude looks half homeless and he’s always on about how classy he is.  Still, it enraged the Douche, so on some level I like it.  :)

- Douche calls it a night, he can’t take CuntDad anymore.  Night all!

- Cut to; next morning.  Douche is hitting the heavy bag.  He’s tense.  Apparently he’s stewing about CuntDad.  Red joins him in the “gym” area, and Bret tells her that he felt weird about CuntDad’s whole bizarre hangups about money.  Cuntya in her confessional is all “My dad is a very successful man...” i bet it;s not half as much as they;re all making it out to be.  Time for Google.

So...Otis Conner is the owner/President/whatever of the Axcess Group, which allegedly saw revenues of $20 million in 2002.  I don’t know how many “companies” there really are, but the main thing they seem to do is sell pre-made jingles coupled with snappy advertising lyrics to companies all over the country.  So he’s an ad guy.  Yeah, I can see there being some money in that, but not enough to make him act like this much of a total prick.  Remember that’s revenue of $20 mil...he had 60 employees at that time, plus who the hell knows what else in expenses.  So, some real money here, but not enough to justify the cock behavior toward a guy that is, as much as I mock, a legit rock star who made real money and still does.

- Cut to Strips and StripperDad in the kitchen talking about how manipulative Lacey is, and at the same time - while douch3e is lifting weights for the camera, I might add - Lacey decides to, as she put it. “throw Heather under the bus.” My Christ she is a piece of work, ain’t she"\?  So sweet and demure.  At this exact moment Bret is already thinking you’re a lying, manipulative rich bitch cunt.  It this really the time to prove him right?  But hey - it’s your funeral.

Heather is standing on the balcony over the “gym” area and listening to the whole thing.  See, Heather?  This is what she did to everyone and you helped.  Karma’s a bitch.  Still...I hope Grandma takes her down.  Lacey went pretty fucking far, talking about how disrespectful Heather was being to her own parents.  They seem to be fucking fine with Heather, I’m not sure why Lacey presumes to know them better than they know themselves.  Heather is pissed and Jes comes out...Heather: “I’m about to go fuckin’ off, you have to come help me out.”

Heather goes downstairs and walks straight up to them.  “You’re a liar.  Your family has no idea what kind of a person you are!” Confessional time, and Cuntya seems unaware of why Heather would be so angry.  Uhh, cuz you just told the man she seems to be into that she will fuck any roving dick that wanders by, is using him for a way out of stripping and hates her parents?  I’m not saying any of that is untrue, mind you, but Lacey shouldn’t be surprised that Heather is pissed off.

So far the best part is that Jes keeps lazily eating her cereal, calmly watching the fireworks.  :)

The yelling continues.  “You manipulated me like you did everybody else.” Confessional with Jes: “This.  Is.  Awesome!” She said it just like that, with pauses and everything.  Meanwhile Heather is saying that Lacey’s family will be embarrassed by her real actions, she’s been lying to them, etc.  Lacey is trying SO hard to figure out a way to spin this, but the fact is she did say all that shit, and if she denies it now Bret will see, indisputably, that she’s a liar.  She’s literally sputtering and spinning like a tractor stuck in the mud.  Heather just storms off...classic.  In her confessional, Heather says that if Lacey wasn’t such a liar to her family, then she wouldn’t get called out.  BINGO.

Bret sends Red inside to “address” Heather.  Bad idea.  I see why he did it: he likes to get shit done out in the open with things like this, and he seems to want to get this kind of stuff over quickly...but it;s a bad idea to chase after Heather right now.  As I am sure we are about to see.

- Cut to Heather and Jes in one of the rooms.  StripperShowMyTits is screaming and ranting, sometimes yelling out an open screen door.  They cut to CuntDad standing on a balcony, but there’s no way to know if he could hear all of this.  As we go to commercial, they prime us for the blowout to come.  $20 bucks says CuntDad ignores and denies any and all wrongdoing by his saintly daughter.  Easy to see how she got this way now that we’ve all met Daddy...and commercial.

- Holy fuck.  All of that typing and we’re exactly 39 minutes in.  Jesus.

- We’re back...it’s the Brawl To End It All!  Gash Fight For The Cash!  The blowout continues.  Heather is wandering around the house swearing her face off about Lacey.  Heather in confessional: “Lacey is the biggest fucking bitch.  How dare she talk shit about me, she’s the biggest dick-sucking whorebag in this whole house...and has been since day one.” Well, except for Brandi M, but who’s counting? :) Why does Heather keep talking specifically about sexual activity by Lacey?  We know she had some action in that three-four-whateversome, plus we know she fucked Bret in Vegas.  But Heather is talking like there’s other shit going on.  Maybe Lacey’s fuckin’ the crew?  Some of the whores from earlier in the show?  Is Heather just ranting?

- Side note: CuntDad has a single diamond earring.  And he’s a jingle salsman.  DOUCHE.  BAG.  Dude, you’re sixty years old. (I looked it up)

- Back to the bullshit.  Lacey is totally underplaying what she did with her parents, selling it like she was just innocently chatting and Heather went batshit crazy on her.  Key-rist this bitch is brazen.  She totally gets that from her dad, by the way.  He’s got a rep in Texas as a slick, consummate salesman who could sell ice to Eskimos.  Lacey lives her entire life like it’s a sales pitch.  Daddy’s little girl!  She’s pretending like she gives a shit about Douche’s best interests.  Oh please.  All you want to do is win and figure out how this can make you a buck.

CuntDad is all like “I’ve known you for 30 years, I know who you are.” Oh please.  You know her about as well as I know Osama bin laden you blind old fuck.  Amazing how a successful salesman, who needs to be able to read people in order to arrive at a mutually beneficial bargain with them, is so utterly blind when it comes to his daughter.  Unless of course she’s simply a better salesman than he is.  Which is possible.  Especially given that dads can often be blind to daughters and what they are really like.

Or he’s just an arrogant fuck who is in “my daughter’s the best cheerleader” mode and isn’t above breaking a leg or two to make sure his little girl makes varsity, if you get my analogy.

- Cut to Punk Family Robinson, and they’re all just laying back on the patio, laughing at the other idiots.  PunkDad to StripperDad: “She get that side from you?” Reply: “Yessir, she sure does!” Yeah...Heather’s parents are really hurt by her, aren’t they?  The man was practically beaming when he said it.

- Cut to Lacey asking Heather to talk. Heather: “All you’re gonna do is lie and try to manipulate....” Lacey: “I don’t lie.” WHAT THE EFFIN’ EFF?  You don’t lie?  Err...wait.  She’s right.  She doesn’t lie.  She’s a true sociopath...she believes whatever she says at that moment, so it isn’t a lie.  Cuh-razeeeeee!

They argue in front of the whole crowd.  Heather goes off about how Lacey changed when her parents came...true, she does act different in front of them.  Have you EVER seen her drink water and soda?  Hells no...but when Daddy’s here she’s laying off the booze, and that right there says enough about how much CuntDad knows.

“When they watch this show, your dad is gonna die.” Fact.  Confessional time, and Lacey is literally saying that she hasn’t been manipulating Heather this whole time.  See?  She believes whatever she says, even if it directly contradicts what she said a few minutes ago.  That’s one of the hallmarks of the true sociopath.  Technically it’s psychopath, but people think that means “psycho killer.” Sociopath will do as a description.  Lacey is crazy.  mentally ill.  Unbalanced.  A sociopath.  I bet her daddy is too.

Heather keeps going: “You’ve ridden my coat tails...” Yep.  “You;d be gone a long time ago if it weren’t for me...” Yup.  Confessional: She’s totally playing me like she played everyone else in the house.” Abso-frigging-lutely.  Earlier Lacey actually said, specifically, that she was going to talk to Bret in order to “throw Heather under the bus.” Heather says to her “You’re throwing me under the bus” and Lacey;s all “No I’m not.” And then, in a confessional, acts like she really isn’t!  Cuh-razy.  Sociopath.  Disconnected from reality, empathy and sympathy.  Able only to emulate real emotions...except anger.  Sociopaths can always access anger.

Sound familiar?

The dads are standing behind the respective daughters just in case shit pops off, I guess.

Lacey’s trying to doublespeak her way out of what she said to Bret earlier regarding heather’s parents, and Heather raises the only valid point she needs to make to win this argument: Lacey had no business talking to Bret about Heather’s relationship with her parents, period.  Stripper Grandma is on a fucking tear and refuses to let Lacey get a word in edgewise...heh.  She learned from watching Red be all Cuntya with all the other girls, if you let her talk she will spin and spin and spin until you’re so dizzy, you;re buying ice and you live in Alaska.  In an igloo.  Made of fucking ice.

Heather: “Does your dad know you’re the only one who’s been doing all the sexual shit with Bret.  You’ve been sucking his dick every night since you’ve been here.” OH SNAP!  Lacey, totally calmly, replies “Heather you know that’s a lie.” No emotion at all.

Now ladies.  Let me ask you something.  If your fucking dad was standing in the room, and you knew that cameras were running, AND you were innocent, would you react to an accusation like that?  Most of the women I know would seriously consider slapping a bitch right about at this point.  Hell, most of the dudes I know would have already slapped a bitch a long time ago.  What the fuck is up here?  Could this be true?  Has Bret been keeping Lacey on the show because Red Cuntya has been swallowing Bret’s unborn children on a nightly basis?  Sure would explain some shit…

Heather; “I SAW YOU SUCK HIS DICK IN THERE!” and she points to the Fortress of Douchitude.  Holy crap!  So something definitely happened during that three/four/whateversome night from a few episodes ago.  Dizz-amn!  CuntDad: “You’re being trashy.” Heather:"I did not do anythings sexual with that man.  You’re daughter’s a slut.”

Uhh...I get the feeling that is all true.  I mean, one, it has the ring of truth to it.  Two, Heather is saying it knowing full well Bret will see it, and may be able to hear the whole thing right now.  Three, just look at her...I really think she’s telling the truth.

- Cuntya confessional and she;s saying that Heather crossed the line, her family did nothing to Heather, etc.  Then I notice another thing that clues me in to part of Lacey’s personality: Karen, StepCunt, is not involved in this discussion AT ALL.  If she’s in the room they haven’t shown her.  But here, and every other time she talks about them, Lacey is always extremely careful to say things like “When she attacked my dad and Karen...” Heather didn’t attack Karen.  She didn’t even mention her.  No one has.  But Lacey is always so extra careful to include her...because she’s selling Karen.  It’s a sales technique.  Repeat the person’s name to establish a bond...and the calculating sociopath would over-do it like this because they don’t know how to bond naturally and just be.  It’s a little thing, but I think it speaks volumes about this crazy broad.

Anyway...CrazyCunty just said Heather is dead to her.  Can’t wait for eliminations!  Hey, isn’t it still the morning?  What the fuck are they gonna do all day?

- CuntDad is off to talk to Bret...who is still in the gym area.  Holy crap.  Can’t wait to see how this goes.  CuntDad just walked up to Bret and with almost zero fanfare, said that someone told him he needed “to be concerned about my daughter sucking your dick.”

Dude, you don’t fucking talk to people like that if you don’t know them!  For all the cursing and swearing and blunt talking I do with friends, family, on this blog, I wouldn’t, in a million fucking years, presume to talk like that to some dude I just met yesterday.  I’d certainly raise the issue, but I might ease the fuck into it a bit...and maybe not try so hard to defend my whore of a daughter.  But then, I’m not an idiot.  Much.  I’m really starting to feel bad for Douche Michaels here.  He’s a benign kind of douche when all is said and done.  CuntDad is the sort of douche that can scar your vag, you know what I’m sayin’?  Like douching with lye.

Anyways, Bret looks at him like, well, CuntDad just walked up and started talking about Bret’s cock.  Which is pretty much exactly what just happened.  So it turns out that CuntDad isn’t here to confront Bret, or to worry in any way that his daughter is a cunty whore.  No...he’s upset that Heather might score pioints with Bret over this, and his little cheerleader is the bestest!  He’s totally fucking pulling a Lacey here.  I suppose in retrospect, Lacey has been pulling an Otis this whole time…

Dad’s here selling his daughter by tearing down Heather.  He’s like a Chevy dealer, trying to convince you that “Those damn Hondas are cheap Jap crap.” Meanwhile the shitboxes he sells are 50 times worse and you’d be much better off in a Honda.  Heather may only be a Honda Civic that’s spun the odometer around to 000000, but Lacey is a Geo Metro.  With quite a few miles herself.  At this point I’ll take the Civic, thank you very much.  Bret’s praying for Big John, who, conveniently, is asleep on a couch somewhere.

- Bret’s trying to deflect the cock-sucking, but...here come the tears!  “I can’t put my parents through this.  You have to draw the line somewhere.” You fucking fake.

I just realized, as Lacey is giving yet another confessional about how Heather disrespected her parents, that Lacey pulled a fast one on everyone.  She has TOTALLY shifted this argument away from herself and framed it solely as “Heather attacked my parents.” Which, of course, simply isn’t true.  Until CuntDad spoke directly to Heather, Heather had NOT yelled anything at them, she was yelling at Lacey.  And the first thing CuntDad did when he spoke directly to her was to call her trashy!  So of course she responded!  And even then, even while riled up, angry and yelling, having just been called names by CuntDad, all she said was “I never did anything sexual with that man, your daughter is a slut.” That, my friends, is not the vicious attack Lacey and her slick daddy are making it out to be.  But see, what Lacey has done here is to re-frame the entire debate and make it about Heather attacking her parents, which is a fight Heather cannot win.

And now, there’s a lot less discussion about Lacey being a liar and a cock-sucking whorebag, isn’t there?  Deny, deflect, disrupt.  The behavior of a sociopath.

To end this segment, Bret wants out.  I don’t think that he believes a word from either of them.

- Cut to getting ready for eliminations.  Heather is nervous.  Jes isn’t worried..."I know that one of those two crazy bitches is goin’ home.” Lacey is in a room, getting ready, talking to StepCunt and literally acting like her whole little twist-around is reality.  She’s talking to Karen like Heather really did “attack” them.  She totally believes her own lie now.

Sew-see-oh-path!  Commercial.  We’re almost at the end.

- Predictions.  OK, first of all, I think that Bret has already decided on Jes...unless something truly surprising happens, she’s his pick.  I also think that if Lacey;s parents had been half sane and CuntDad wasn’t such a total dick, Heather might have been sent packing this week.  However...due to CuntDad and Cuntya’s complete and total insanity, as well as the blatant lies and manipulations, Lacey gets sent packing.  Plus, if Lacey is gone, then no one will be talking about her sucking Bret’s cock, and he’d like to avoid discussing that as much as possible.  Sending Red home is the best solution to all his current problems.  Commercial.

- We’re back and in the elimination room.  The parental units are positioned behind each girl.  Super dramatic!  One wonders if Douche will have the balls to speak freely in this situation.  Lacey would send Heather home.  Nothing about loving Bret....just wants to beat Heather.  Heather pretty much feels the same...I think, as misguided as it is, that she really cares about Bret though.  Maybe I’ve been unfair to her with all the “Bret will get her out of the clubs” jokes.  Aww!  My heart is growing three sizes this day!  Heather is my Cindy-Lou Who!  Ding-Dong!  Ding-Dong!  Everyone sing along!

Jesus Christ...it’s Rock of Love, Jim, not a documentary on child victims of a Peruvian earthquake.  Get a hold of yourself!

- Moving on.  Jes is talking about Lacey too.  I suppose that’s to be expected.  Jes at least mentioned Bret.  Douche comes in, dressed normally again, with that black blazer and a regular dress shirt.  Hat and bandanna of course, I mean..bald spot.  Still, perhaps the stylist learned not to let him dress himself for these eliminations?  He’s “feeling kinda lost right now.” Why?  Unless you’re like, unable to go without your nightly blowjob for a day or two.  I mean, we wait a week between episodes, but dude, you’ll be at the finals in like, 36 hours.  You can’t possibly need your dick sucked every day, can you?  Eliminate the crazy.

Douche thanks the parents and says it’s been “awesome.” OK...if you say so.  Then he sends the parents out, saying that ultimately he’ll be dating their daughters, implying that “It’s not about you, it’s your daughter.” Not a bad move, really.  Maybe he’ll say something to Cuntya.  COnfessional by Heather talks about how she wants to focus on Bret and be here for him.  Then Cuntya is shown telling her parents - loudly so the other girls can hear - “I’ll call you later with the good news.” What. A. Bitch.  She says that she has a bond and a connection with Bret.  I suppose a cock down the throat is a connection, of sorts.  Jes is just trying to be goofy and joke around about how if she gets eliminated she’ll blame her parents.  I wish she hated Bret...she’s goofy and cool and pretty and doesn’t deserve this douche.  But alas, she is young and wooed by tales of the stardom and footlights, as youth are wont to be.

First I’m Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man, now I think I’m fucking Shakespeare.  This episode has to end quickly.

- Douche says that there’s something about each of them that he likes.  Then out comes pass number one.  He says he’s formed really strong feelings for this girl, and he wants to know more about her and it’s a great feeling for him.  As soon as he says it, Cuntya looks right at Jes.  She knows.  Jes is the one.  If you survive this round, good luck trying your Jedi manipulation bullshit on this one.  She may not see through Bret, but she sees your ass like you was made of transparisteel.

Great.  Now I’ve mutated into Star Wars dork.  This has to end.  Jes get her pass.

- Douche talks to both of the remaining whores, and he talks about Heather as his friend, but mentions only the fact that Lacey has been “determined and driven.” Hey Bret, you forgot calculating, lying, cunty, manipulative, open for business, drunk and swallowing. 

Confessional: “In the end, I’m basing my decision on one thing that is my gut feeling who’s being truthful who’s lying - who is who they is (douche hand gesture moving side to side) and who ain’t who they ain’t.” Jesus...he couldn’t go an episode without some of that douche philosophy, eh?

He calls Lacey down.  He tells her there’s a side to her he loves and a side to her that confuses him.  He thinks the side that he doesn’t under stand would ruin there relationship and her tour ends here.  She.  Doesn’t.  React.  Douche confessional says that he thinks that she was crazy, but crazy for him as well, but there’s a “lot more lies and deception going on.” HOLY FUCK!  that reminds me.  Is this the first episode where he didn’t say “Ah-wassa-goin’awn?” I think it might be!

Red Cuntya is dead.  She’s “absolutely in shock.” Only she’s not reacting at all.  “I can’t even feel emotions right now.” Good little sociopath!  Explain away why you’re not reacting to this utter and total defeat!  You got burned, bitch.  All the whining on your MySpace will never erase the image you put out there, and people will always know you for what you are, sweety.  Buh-bye now!

- The pass goes to Heather.  He tells her “thank you for having my back.” Hey, maybe she does.  Confessionals - Heather says she’ll sacrifice anything for him, and Jes says she needs to step up her game and show Bret she really wants to be with him.  Then he tells them that tomorrow, they are all going to Cabo.  Please do NOT have Sammy hagar guest star in that stupid club of his!  I swear to God I will kill someone.

- Scenes from the next season finale...Cabo stuff.  These two don’t seem like they hate each other, even though they do argue, it’s about how much each one is devoted to Bret.  I doubt next week will be as much fun as this week!

It’s finally fucking over!  I’m gonna stop typing now.  This has got to be over 5000 words.  Up to the previous sentence, the word count...is 7102.  Make up your own witty ending, I’m fucking done.  :)

Posted by JimK at 11:25 PM on September 16, 2007
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Categories: Television,  Rock Of Love
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