- Oh look, it’s raining in Seattle.  Also, hell is hot.

- Oh Christ.  We start off with another idiot in an Uncle Sam costume.  Turns out he was on last year in another costume, and he sucked fat squirrel balls then.  Guess what?  he still sucks.  There is no way this person thinks they can sing.  He’s clearly using this to try to get attention for something else.

- Hey, paula seems lucid at the start.

- OH MY GOD JENNIFER CALLS HERSELF THE HOTNESS.  She’s as ugly as a hemorrhoid.  She’s like, terrifyingly ugly.  Stop a clock ugly.  She’s so goddamned ugly she’s hurting my TV.  It is literally crying in pain.

Oh wait, that’s her singing.  The Hotness is most definitely not hot at all, and if Paula decides to get completely drunk after this, I would not blame her in the slightest.  Ever-lovingly horrifyingly bad.  Then she argues that Simon don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no music.  I guess he’s not a musician so his ears are broken.  Randy agrees though, and he was in Journey!

Oh my she sang again, and Simon said “Why don’t you get a job down at the ports?” To which “The Hotness” replied something about getting a lobotomy.  I dunno about brain surgery but that ugly sow could use a few rounds of plastic surgery.

- A round of losers leading up to Amy Selgado, who is whining about her husband not supporting her.  With this lead-up I bet she sounds like a wounded duck trapped under a tractor tire.  If she sucks, and I were her husband, I would divorce her fugly ass for running me down on national TV.

Guess what?  Divorce time.  She is God-awful.  Her husband was trying to save her the humiliation.  She blames the cold, the dry throat, but none of that makes a difference.  Singers sound like singers with colds when they have colds.  They can still hit notes.

“Amy, you could lie in a bath with your mouth open and it wouldn’t make a difference!”

Oh she goes on to keep singing after they say no at her...she begs and humiliates herself so badly, and this is EXACTLY what her husband was trying to prevent.

- Montage time.  Foreign Girl, Screaming man, Over The Rainbow Singing Guy.  Every year, the same thing.  Then we get to the first weirdo.  It’s a chick with tits that go from her chin to her waist, named Darwin Reedy (WTF?).  She’s got an Andy Warhol wig, some emo glasses and a pierced eyebrow.  Couple hundred pounds, a droning, monotone voice and she’s gonna claim she’s sexy.

Now she’s singing a Pussycat Dolls song.  But wait!  We’re bringing Mom in, who is as much of a nightmare as her daughter.  I see that good dental hygiene does not run in this family.  Paula double-takes the camera, and for once she and I are on the same page.

The singing - Exactly like her speaking voice.  Slow, as though she’s drunk or, this being Seattle and all, on heroin.  It’s a total monotone.  She’s also tone deaf.  She’s probably a local performance artist or a slam poet or something and she’s doing this either as a goof or to get some publicity.  I’m calling shenanigans.

- Another bit about the rain and how it may be contributing to the enourmous amount of suck in Seattle.

- Tommy Daniels.  He gets the smooth upbeat, uptempo backing track so you know he’s good.  This is his third try...and he sounds pretty good, although i can’t tell if it’s just because everyone else is so fucking awful.  Maybe he actually did some work and got some training since his last audition.  Whatever it is, he sounded good.  A smoky kind of soul voice.  He’s going through.  He’s the first Seattle golden ticket.

- Carleen Stavros.  Umm.  Who else thinks she looks like a young Marguerite Perrin?  MAYBE SHE’S A GOD WARRIOR!  Whatever...she’s one of those MySpace/Livejournal chicks that thinks her over-the-top obnoxiousness makes up for those giant tree trunks she calls arms.  I bet all her MySpace pics are from ”the angle.”

Her singing?  Yeah.  Not real good or anything.  That’s being kind.

- Blake the beatboxing hipster doofus.  He can certainly beatbox, I’ll give him that.  And he has a boyband voice that would greatly benefit from Pro Tools and six other dudes, two of which should be able to sing.

“I’ve been doing it for 7 years...I’ll represent Seattle the Emerald City”
“Well then why don’t you think you’ve been discovered then?”
“Because I live in Seattle, not L.A.”

Yeah, because fucking no one has ever been discovered in Seattle or anything.  Oh look Simon said the same thing.  They put him through though, mainly because for whatever reason he makes Paula’s privates tingle.  Maybe it’s all the product in his hair.  Or the Xanax in her water.

- Seacrest - “Welcome back to the talent vacuum that is Seattle.” Doh.  Montage of suck follows.  Loads of “Dude, I’ll bet you 500 bucks you won’t go down and try out for American Idol” contestants.  Then a whole slew of delusional idiots who deny their suckitude, leading to a brother and sister duo.  Shyamali Malakar is the girl, and she’s awesomely cute with a huge rack, so Simon will love her physically.  She can actually sing a bit, so she’s a lock to move forward.  Piece of advice - Don’t try for power until you get more training.  Hey, Simon didn’t like her singing, but he commented on how pretty she was.  Shock and surprise.

Outside, Seacrest is in the middle of telling us that the mom says Sanjaya Malakar, the brother, is the better singer, but he doesn’t really seem that way when he sings.  He’s kind of...blah, but Simon says he’s better.  Hmm.  I disagree.  Hollywood will destroy this kid, but I suppose they need to freaking put someone through.  Seattle is chock full of the suck.

- Nick Zitzmann, from Utah, who is weirdly anal about geography.  Donna calls him “This year’s William Hung.” I think she may be right.  He’s certainly dorktastic enough.  Turns out his co-workers put him up to this...gee, I wonder if they plan to YouTube this performance about eight seconds after it airs?

He says he’s a leader, so that makes him a good singer.  OK.  If you say so.  Yep...way off.  Warbling, all over the melody...he’s multi-tonal, but they’re all the wrong tones.  WOAH OH MY EARS this is not even amusing.  Hung was hysterical.  This guy is just a waste of airtime.  I can just see it - Idol producers are so sure they have another Hung on their hands, that’s why they are hanging in so long on this audition, but he’s not funny.  He’s just coming off as pathetic.

Simon - “What the bloody hell was that?” After watching for a few minutes, I’m saying it was a joke played on you, Nick himself and the viewing audience, Simon.  Something is wrong with this guy.  I’m serious.  I think he has something like Asperger’s.  He’s unbelievably socially awkward.  He’s ridiculously precise with his speech.  He has a thousand-yard stare that you generally find with Asperger’s patients.  Seacrest didn’t touch him after the audition, which could - and I’m obviously reaching here - mean that he knows something is up.  Something isn’t right.  Seacrest always touches everyone.  Hugs, slaps on the back, handshakes, something.  He’s Johnny McGrabbyhands.

I think that this guy just got humiliated by his co-workers and abused by the American Idol production staff.  I watched him for what, three minutes and I guessed immediately that he was not all here.  I can smell something wrong on him, and it’s NOT an act.  I think this is a guy with a genuine disorder that just got abused by his co-workers and a TV show.  Given that to reach the room you have to be interviewed by or sing for like a dozen people, am I to believe that no one, not a single member of the AI staff, could tell something was wrong?  I ain’t buying it.

Just to drive the nail in, they get him to sing a high and a low note again.  Not cool, Idol.  Not cool and not funny.

- Rudy Cardina (I think that was his name) - Paula is in L O V E.  Look at her face!  She’s so wet right now she could provide moisture to a Arizona lettuce farm.

He’s going to sing to sing Journey - Oh shit he can actually sing.  He might be the best dude to audition so far.  He brought it to the high note, although it broke at the very end on the highest one.  Simon then just drops - with the serious quickness - a dramatic NO.  Wow.  After this day he says no to him that fast?

Wait a minute...could Simon have picked up on Paula’s OBVIOUS instant attraction to this guy?  Could he have been trying to keep the latino lover off the show?  Or was it that second high note that broke?  That note could have been a fluke.  So, conspiracy or just Simon being Simon?  Or, am I thinking way to goddamn much about American Idol?

- A nice montage about Simon being grumpy and lots of idiots thinking he’s always wrong.  I will say this - he surprised me a couple times with his decisions.  One guy in the montage had a good point - Simon passed on Taylor Hicks and the Old Grey Mare won last year, so…

On to day two.

- Great, here’s our “Look at the semi-retarded contestants who became friends” segment.  I hate it when they do this. 

First up: Kenneth.  Kenneth says he dances and says he’s often compared to Justin Timberlake and Lance Bass.  So of course he butchers an N-Sync song.  It was complete with choreography!  This might be closer to a William Hung moment.  Simon took him down and called him a jungle creature.  I think Paula ended up on the floor.  I think the producers just picked on him because he has big eyes and a perfectly round head...not too bad in the grand scheme of things I suppose.

- Next we have Johnathan.  I think Johnathan is legitimately mentally impaired.  I’m sorry, but as rude and horrible a person as I am, I fucking refuse to sink so low as to pick on him.  The judges were fairly nice to him which made me feel a little better about humanity.  Moving on.

- Another montage of bad notes leading us to this year’s Taylor Hicks wannabe.  He’s a hairdresser.  I predict a horrible voice and I am betting he was put up to this.  My first clue?  The music bed under his bio is a funky, comic-kind of vibe and that always means the singer sucks.  The lisp doesn’t bode well either.

Yep.  Sucks.  I can just see it - Taylor wins last year and everyone at the hair salon was all “Dude you look like that guy!  You should totally go on Idol and mess with them!” WOAH!  he was gonna walk up to Simon and “fix his hair” He pulled out some jar of goop and security ran the fuck over to intercept him.  Weird.  Just once I’d love to see someone get to Simon and find out Cowell’s like a Krav Maga expert or some shit.  :)

- Heh...a montage of “Ryan Seacrest is short.” Well, he’s average.  Like me.  WE’RE NOT SHORT!  ;) This of course leads to the 6’4” Anna.  6’7” in her heels.  Anna can almost sing...PAUSE THE TIVO - I hope they stop her and ask for a second song - the shouting is hiding whether or not she can actually carry a tune.  Let’s see if they ask...nope.  Then Randy and Paula start acting stupid while Simon was actually giving decent commentary.  She’s through to the next...maybe she’ll have to sing softly in Hollywood.  Simon compared her to a giraffe.

Aside - I am so freaking shocked that no one has come on singing like Eddie Vedder yet.

- Jordan Sparks - her bio had the uptempo, uplifting music, so she’s through.  Wow, she’s sixteen?  She can sing.  She has color, range, control...she’s the best so far of all the auditions.  She can only get better at this age.  Simon is criticizing her physical stage presence, and he’s right - Paula and Randy are misinterpreting his criticism...he wants this girl to get better aso he can make some money off her records!  Plus I think he secretly wants to have sex with every girl under the age of 18 that has ever been on the show.  He gives me a creepy, horndog vibe sometimes.  i think it’s the tight tee-shirts.

- Woah!  Ryan said only seven made it through each day.  Then we get the montage of terrible singers singing that Pussycat Dolls song.  Not all of these people can be actors or other performers.  Some of these people are legitimately tone deaf.  It’s like they don’t hear professionals when they sing.  Before the break - is this finally the Eddie Vedder moment?  They preview the guy that Seacrest says is probably the reason they will never come back to Seattle.

- Stephen Thumb (was that his name?).  TEETH.  TEETH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU BRUSH THEM? 

This dude scares me a little.  He’s got that serial killer look in his eye.  NO, WAIT - I got it.  He was in jail.  The walk as he entered, the look, the yes sir’s.  It’s “Yes sir” with a look of hate on his face when he says it.  Dudes get that way from prison. 

He’s gonna mangle Bohemian Rhapsody.  I don’t even know what to say.  That’s not real.  Someone paid him to show up here.  This must be a put-on by the staff to give the judges a laugh at the end of the day or something.  Simon wants to hear more.  :)

“Step up and coach me!”
“It would be like coaching a one-legged man to win the 100 meter sprint.”

“He comes out of the room and says “So what else do I have left to do here then?” to Seacrest.  That smells to me like someone has been coaching him on what to do all day...maybe I’m reaching, but I smell setup on the judges.  The way that came off was like he has had enough of being the joke. 

So Idol sucks, but we all knew that.  The fuck am I doing this for?  Do I want the goddamned traffic that badly?  Yes.  Yes I do.  I need to sell BlogAds goddammit, and I need a shitload of traffic to justify the purchase.  This frigging server isn’t paid for anymore...it’s costing me a bundle.  My cross to bear is American Idol.

Fuckers.  Simon Cowell and Simon Fuller are the Devil.

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Do you really care about the beginning of this show?  They talked about how great Idol is and some stuff about Jewel.  Who cares?  I want to hear horrible singing so let’s get the hell to it people!

- And we meet some fugtastic makeup artist.  Why are makeup artists and hairdressers generally people who look horrible?  Her idol is Jewel.  Good for her I guess.  OH MY GOD she sings like a cross-dressing dude!  Wow.  Has anyone ever told her she could sing like, ever?  Paula’s drunk.  Also, Jewel, honey, come on, fix those teeth.  You ruin a beautiful face when you open your mouth.  Our makeup artist squats in pain when no one likes her.  I think she took a dump based on the look on her bulldog face.  Hey why are we spending so much time on this one bad girl?  Why are we reveling in her pain?  It’s fun to talk shit about these delusional idiots, but that was an awfully long segment to open the season.  It kind of goes from good-natured shit-talking to wallowing in the misery of a delusional human being.

Oh like I give a shit.  Moving on!

- Troy.  Umm.  The beard.  The hat.  The ridiculous attitude.  The “song” such as it was.  “Trip me as I carry liquids?”

OH SNAP - Troy is a liar.  He claims he never saw the show, but what did he say to the judges?  “...I never said I was going to be the next American Idol.” That’s a frigging catchphrase for this show.  I call shenanigans.  Actor!

- Sweet, a whole run of horrifying shitastical morons leading up to some dude named Jesse, who talks incessantly and in a complete monotone who says he can hit Mariah Carey notes.  Except he sings like a tone-deaf eunuch with laryngitis.  Then he bails on the audition to go get water without even waiting for permission, then comes back whereupon he resumes singing in the exact same monotone/whisper/warble.  Simon - “I thought that when you left, for once, we were on the same page.” By the way, Paula is clearly under the influence.

Oh nice, Jesse is one of those people who is adamant that he can sing!  I love the ones who get belligerent and try to talk back and get all pissy afterwards.  Jesse, enjoy that career at McDonalds.

- Hint one for American Idol - NEVER WEAR A COSTUME.  Charles Moody?  Monroe> Whatever his name is.  Oh, and he’s gonna sing an aria.  Hey, I think he can actually carry a note, but he doesn’t know how to sing at all.  And...rejection.

- Denise Jackson.  You can tell by the music and the bio buildup that she can sing.  She’s got a good, fun attitude which helps.  She’s confident without being a jerk about it.  That’s a voice alright.  Welcome to the next round.  I will offer a criticism - learn to control that volume, girl.  You have to know the limits of the mic that is picking you up.

- Is Jewel actually in this room?  She’s the most boring and quiet judge ever.

- Uh oh.  A special edited segment with people who forget their words, presented as a “condition.” I be the Idol producers thought that was funny.  Here comes Tashawn who can’t remember the words to “Kiss.” Wouldn’t matter, as she sounds a little like a 17 year old boy who swallowed sand.  And why did she touch her ear like she was wearing headphones?  People do that to press the speaker closer to their ear.  If they aren’t wearing cans they form a cup behind their ear to catch the reflected sound - it gives you a better idea of what you actually sound like as opposed to what you hear in your head.  You don’t just put your finger in your ear.  Dumbass.

- “It’s the other door!” Producers - ever think of putting a sign on the door that is locked?

- Oh look, a Latina ho trying to sex her way up the ranks.  She’s hot though.  And unless that’s a waterbra, she’s sporting a couple of assets too.  Her name is Perla, and she can’t really sing very well.  But: with Pro Tools, some makeover tips and a marketing blitz, you could still sell about 5 million records to the idiots who have made Britney a star, because that bitch can’t sing either.  Perla is a little spitfire though and will make for good TV until she gets voted off in favor of people who can actually sing.

- I guess dude in Minneapolis can’t sing...well, here’s Brokeback McDouchebag to save the day.  It’s another cowboy.  Matthew Volna, you are made of suck.  He’s doing Fulsom Prison Blues and he’s just talking it.  The judges busted him though...this is clearly a put on.  I’m calling actor on this one too.

- IN THE NAVY, you can sing to cute boys!  IN THE NAVY, you can play with cool toys!  The U.S.S. Ronald Reagan held a “Reagan Idol” competition and Intelligence Specialist 2nd Class Jarrod Fowler won.  Pretty easy to see why - this sailor can sing.  He gets some good constructive criticism and a ticket to Hollywood.  Thank you, Specialist Fowler, for your service and for not sucking.  :)

- Oh look, a fat girl we can all make fun of!  Of course she ain’t helping matters by doing the fucking lion song from The Wizard of Oz.  What the fuck?  “I’m unique!” No, you fucking suck, sweetheart.  Would you care to drown your sorrows in a box of Ding-Dongs?  I thought so.

- Uh oh.  A vocal coach.  That usually results in sucktacularness.  And he blew a pitch pipe.  OH DEAR GOD what the hell?  Someone pays him to teach them?  WOAH what was that note?  Randy’s comment was classic - he’s a great singer when no one is paying attention.  Then of course he dropped the hammer - the message was “Dog - you suck.” Ha!  Love how Simon tries to instigate.  “I’m just amazed at Randy’s rudeness and audacity!”

- And now we have the “fresh-faced” Michelle Steingas.  Another chick who is passably cute, can sort-of hold a note but could be sold if you Pro-Tools the hell out of her voice.  She’s through.  I’d say get her teeth fixed, but, I mean, Jewel’s in the fucking room, and she’s proof that you can have a mouth full of dog teeth and still be a success.  WHat the fuck is ‘fresh-faced?” is that a euphemism for “young and not a lot of makeup?”

- A montage of idiots that lost or quit their jobs to audition leading up to Dayna Dooley.  Her boss flew her out.  What a guy.  Hey, Paula is still drunk.  Ohhhh...the judges totally called it.  Her boss is nailing that ass.  She cannot sing well enough for some fat, middle-aged white guy to fly her across the country.  HA!  They’re pulling the boss in.  Danny Aiello walks in and...seriously the dude looks like Danny Aiello.  Randy called her tone-deaf.  Heh.  They get her to sing “Fever” at her boss and it wasn’t horrifying, but it wasn’t good.  Bye Dayna!  At the end, the ladies try to chastise Simon for thinking something dirty was happening, and it was more evidence that Paula is so so so fricking messed up.

- Matt Sato - giant pimple, financial leech, boy-band backup singer.  Take THAT mom!

- Rachel Jenkins: hardcore mechanic chick, military wife, Army Reservist.  Long bio.  Here’s to hoping she can sing after that build-up.  PHEW!  She can carry a tune.  Whoops, pitch issue...she might be someone who needs a monitor to stay on key.  I’d still put her through.  Judges agree.

- Sarah Kruger.  Simon likes her based on looks, you can tell.  Oh CHRIST “Over the Rainbow” again.  Well, at least she can sing it and doesn’t WOAH holy power Batman....well done.  I just want to see “Rainbow” banned from all auditions.

- Here comes the devoted psychofan/complete idiot segment.  Crazy-eyed fat girl and a juggling moron.  Tip #2 - NEVER PRING PROPS.  Jason can’t sing on any level.  At least he can almost stick juggle. Then he says he can dance and has a seizure.  He comes out of the room screaming “FUCK THEM” and then starts sobbing without tears.  I smell actor.  His reactions don’t feel real on any level.

- And the devoted psychofan Brenna steps into the spotlight.  Oh Christ, her favorite contestant is Ace from last year and she had him draw her a heart once when she met him.  AND SHE HAD IT TATTOOED ON HER ARM.  You know who has like, 40 million fans just like this?  Jared Leto.  Next time you see a live scene of 30 Seconds To Mars on TV and they show the crowd, pause it.  It’s generally about 10% young goth/emo hotties and 90% ugly, obsessed teen-to-middle-aged “superfans” like this chick.  Scary.  She’s gonna butcher a Queen song.  I already hate her.

Goddamn her straight to hell.  Oh my god.  She’s so clearly doing this just to get on TV.  No one can be that stupid and tone-deaf.  I hope she gets hit by a car on the way home.

“I have ten years of training...so...I don’t understand why l they didn’t tell me ten years ago that I wasn’t good.” BECAUSE YOU WERE PAYING THEM YOU FRIGGING COW.  Now get the hell off my TV, you’ve committed a sacrilegious act.  I hope when you die, Freddy Mercury is allowed to torture your soul for at least a millennium.  “I have a degree in vocal performance.” You.  Paid.  For.  It.  Stupid.

- It’s the Prince montage.  I imagine about about five thousand or so people butchered “Kiss” during these auditions.  You know, if you’re asked to sing a specific song, you are likely gonna end up in the montage looking like a fool.

- Hey look, it’s the rocker contestant!  Finally.  I was wondering where this guy was.  Long intro, so I assume he’s either truly horrifying or getting a golden ticket.  he looks boyband but claims to sing like a rocker.  Here we go.  So, horrifying then.  kthanxbye.

Randy called him a “fake rock person.” Simon spells out the issue - a “rock singer” has to be able to sing an Abba song in week 6.  Simon challenges him to re-arrange an Abba song and come back to sing in 15 minutes.  The little bastard comes back in.  Then he butchers “Dancing Queen.” kthanxbye.  “It’s a little one-dimensional.” Ya think?  Dude sounds like a one-note monotone bullfrong that eats glass and steel shavings twice a day.  kthanxbye.  Son, you are no Chris Daughtry.

So that’s it then.  Minneapolis is a shit town for singers.  Tomorrow night - Seattle.  I predict about three thousand Eddie Vedder clones, most of whom cannot sing.  Also, we’ll see a lot of escaped mental patients.  Rain + caffeine = crazy people.

Why am I watching this show?  I feel like some part of my soul dies every time I listen to these people sing and I an overcome with the urge to apologize to my iPod.  Yet I can’t stop watching it.  Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  You’re my only hope.

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