The final two:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Recap; everything the two finalists have been through.  Focusing on Hombre’s OH MY GOD COME FROM BEHIND REMEMBER SHE ALMOST GOT ELIMINATED, Daisy’s hotness, and for fuck’s sake they featured Bret using the word “mediocracy” again.  Mee-dee-ock-rih-TEE.  TEE, you dipfuck.  “Mediacracy” is the closest thing to the word you are saying, and it means something else entirely.  And is a made-up non-word anyway.  SHUT THE FUCK UP.  Dummy.

- “And now, the exciting finale of Rock of Love.” We pick up with Douche announcing the trip to Meh-hee-coh.  Hombre reminds us, for the fucking sake of fucking fuck again, that she was almost eliminated.

I’m serious.  I’m going to go postal if they keep this up.

- Beers at elimination and then through the magic of some really bad editing, we’re packing for Mexico, then the sun rises and we’re off.

- Hombre does a double bad acting job.  In confessional she’s all “We’re (big pause) flying (big pause and drop-mouth stupid face) to Mexico!” and on the plane Bret’s asking if they;re ready for Mexico and she so oversells her response.  She’s like that really enthusiastic, yet untalented girl in the drama department of your high school who keeps getting parts just because people feel bad for her and “We want to let her do something, for God’s sake the kid loves acting” but she’s fucking terrible at it.

That’s our Ambre Lake.  A shitty actress.  Get that one, will ya, Google?  Ambre Lake is a shitty actress.  Also, Bret Michaels is a douchebag.

- Bing.  We’re in Mexico already.  Douchefessional that he took some time to really plan some great stuff.  LIAR.  You were handed a call sheet each morning.  Do me a favor and eat a lot of sugar will ya?

- They’re having a HUGE intro to the Me hotel in Cancun.  1. How appropriate that Bret Michaels is staying in a place called “Me.” 2. He’s so earnestly selling how much he loves the hotel, etc.  “We love the hotel.” You just got here.  You mean “I was told to say we love the hotel because this trip was comped as long as we talk endlessly about how much we love it, right?”

Man, am I bitter?  One more and then the reunion, Jim.  That’s all, and then you can say goodbye to this dickbag forever.  And Poison too.  Fuck the lot of them.

Moving on.  Awesome-ometer; 1, for the “traditional Mayan dance.” That poor bastard in the Mayan costume.  This is probably about as traditionally accurate as my asshole, but the tourists love this shit.  The whole dance and costume are probably catering to what the white folks *think* Mayan culture was about.  sort of like the “Polynesian” dances and shit in Hawaii.  And what’s worse, they have to dance in a fucking car port for three white assholes who just stepped out of a stretch limo.

You know, if I was Mexican...I might hate white people a little.

- Hombre so ridiculously oversells her confessional about the dancers that it makes me want to punch her in the cooch.

- Daisy; “Bret gave us presents.” Festooned with the Me logo.  So yeah...I’m sure he spent hours tracking them down.

- He left a note saying he’d see them at dinner, but it wasn’t in verse.  Did they not bring that Production Assistant who writes those with them?  Dinner time.

- Question time.  Daisy has a list.  Really.  On paper.  With a pen to check off the ones she’s asked. 

- Question: Is Bret’s attraction to her ONLY physical?  Awesome-ometer; 2.  Answer: She’s a mystery, so it’s tough for him to say where’s she’s at.  Douchefessional; “So now I need for Daisy and me to connect on a much more cerebral level.  mental, if you will.” Yes, I think I will, fucktard.  Because that’s what cerebral means.  CAN WE GET A LARGE LEMONADE, EXTRA SUGAR FOR MR. MICHAELS, ASAP?  If you could maybe boil me up a simple syrup and help me inject in in his veins that would be great.

He confirmed everything her question belies; he’s into her for her body and thinks she uses her sexuality all the time.  Hombre tried to pile on with her “I agree with Bret” bullshit.  Daisy tried to make her give a SPECIFIC example of when Daisy “led with her sexuality.” Hombre’s example?  That Daisy is always banging on his door to spend time with him.

Can someone just say it?  She sucks and fucks instead of *talks* and then wonders why no one takes her seriously.  Can we just *SAY* it?  Because this conversation is like listening to two lumps of beef debate politics, in two different languages.  Nobody knows what the fuck anyone is talking about, and neither one is saying anything worth hearing in the first fucking place.

- Hombre asks Bret what he thinks the two women bring.  Douche says that he fears Hombre is in it just to win it.  So she interrupts him and says “I’m sorry I just gotta do this.” And then mouthfucks him with her old lady tongue. 

1. Gross. 

2. Thanks for making it obvious that you are playing tactics just to win the game...just like the script says you should.

- Daisy says that Hombre is walking on the wild side to try to break out of her shell, that she doesn’t do rocker guys.  Bret agrees.  Well fucking DUH.  She’s a good little Southern daughter of a fairly conservative guy.  She’s probably never dated outside her own faith before much less outside her own social class.  God help us all if she ever brought home a black guy! 

You know, Ambre never stops overselling.  As Daisy is talking, Ambre has this look on her face:

Her answer; “You’re not the typical guy that I date, but I’ll tell you what you are.  You’re exactly what I’m looking for.” All over-sold, all over-acted.  Hombre has all the sincerity of a used appliance salesman.

- Hombre gets her date tomorrow, Daisy the next day. Muppetface is all torqued out because she has to wait.  Dinner over.  Douche is going to his room to “think.” That’s code for “I gotta call the concierge and have one of those cheap Mexican peasant whores sent to my room.” Commercial.

- The sun also rises in Mexico.  Hombre is so excited as she gets ready for her day-long date.  Daisy decides to confront her over the “use my sexuality” thing.  Ambre tries that bullshit response that she always does, which is to lie and pretend that she never meant it in a bad way, when of course that is exactly how she meant it.  Daisy comes back with the fact that as a Muppet baby, she feels comfortable with her body and feels confortable being sexy.  And made of 97% man-made fibers.  And being fire-retardant.  And having a hand stuffed up her to make her mouth move.

Then Muppet says to Hombre that Hombre doesn’t feel sexy.  How could she?  Especially in a room with Sex Kitten Porno Star Stereotype Number 13?  She’s old compared to Daisy.  She looks old compared to Daisy.  She dresses like a frump.  If Douche hadn’t made a big deal about her abs the first night she’d be dressed even frumpier.  Hombre doesn’t take this criticism well.  Daisy says she walks shoulders frumped forward.  She does.  It’s totally true.  Daisy did a perfect imitation of it.

Ambre’s confessional is that Daisy is hot, but surgery can make Ambre hotter.  But surgery can’t make Daisy smarter.  Doh.  The argument devolves into a “I’m better than you” nonsense fight.

- Hombre-fessional that this argument makes her more determined than ever to prove herself to Bret.  I’m sure Muppetface will thank you for proving her right about you when you try to whore it up on your date.  Might I suggest bending over in front of him and stretching?  He seems to really like that.  Also, blowjobs.  I hear he loves those.  Just ask Lacey.

- Awesome-ometer: 3. He’s taking her on a “Mayan jungle experience” at Xcaret.  Oh for fuck’s sake.  Tourists will fucking do anything if you slap a “This is old stuff” label on it.  It’s a trek through some ruins then a day at the spa.  I swear to fucking christ I will never ever go to one of these tourist trap, native-exploiting bullshit things ever.  The stone isn’t even real.  You may as well just go back to Vegas!  This place looks like the alien set in an old Star trek episode.

- They walk around a built-up, faux-material walkway through the “nature park” which looks for all the world like the jungle room in any shitty zoo, then find some lagoon thing.  A poor “native Mayan” bastard rows them out to some mid-pond massage tables, and a really fucking awful Bret Michaels ballad sets the mood.  if the mood is “Make Jim vomit.”

Jesus H. Christ this show is making me angry tonight.

- Hombre decides to crawl on top of Douche.

It progresses into her trying to be sexy, kissing his neck and shit, and it isn’t working.  Mostly because the song sucks in ways that none of these whores ever thought of.  Plus Ambre is about as sexy as a root canal.  And if you have some kind of weird dental fetish and think that root canals are sexy, fuck off my site you weirdo.  Commercial.  Thank fuck the song is over.

- We’re back.  Oh imagine that, it’s lunch and a conver/////// OH CHRIST!  Oh fuck you gotta see this.  Forget anything I was about to say.

Dude.  Bret.  Dude.  You should sit in on editing so they never catch you doing shit like that.  It makes the wig very, very obvious.  If VH1 goes high-def you’ll never get away with it next year.

Do you guys think Bret gets his wigs from the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation?  Awesome-ometer; 4

- The conversation is about how they are so much alike.  Then Douche douchefessionals that isn’t it funny that Ambre was one of the first girls who was supposed to OH MY GOD DID YOU KNOW THAT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GET ELIMINATED AND NOW SHE’S HERE AT THE FINALS AND oh fuck you VH1 I wish all of you slow, painful cancers.  I hope all of you had money invested in Bear Stearns.  Pricks.

- He’s worried that she can’t hang as a rock star girlfriend.  She over-acting-fessionals (am I stretching that gimmick too far yet?) that her being a stodgy old mom sets her apart.  Sure it does.  Ever you say, honey.

- He says that having the two of them to choose from is a great time in his life, but a hard decision.  Jesus.  Can you imagine the gall of asking two women to declare their love for you and then telling them straight to their face that you can’t decide between them?  What kind of woman would put up with that, even for a small piece of the 80’s cash pie?  And what kind of guy would want a woman who would earnestly be all “Oh yeah, this must be so hard for you to decide that you aren’t in love with me after making me declare it to you six million times, and then go run off with this other girl you’ve been making me compete against for two weeks.” Bret Michaels, that’s who.  Because he’s a douchebag.

The sun also sets in Cancun.  DOUBLE AWESOME ALERT!  Awesome-ometer: 6.  They stroll through the grounds of the hotel to get freshened up for dinner. 

- Back to the room with the Muppet.  Holy edited tensions Batman!

- Daisy’s tat is a whole tableau of Nightmare Before Christmas.  That’s kind of more awesome than I first thought, as I don’t *really* like sleeves on women.  The work is pretty good, too.  The more I see of it the more I like it.  I hate the stars on her neck though.  Those were a terrible, horrible choice and should be lasered off ASAP.

I know the pics are hard to see, but the art in the tat is pretty cool.

- Muppet asks about their date.  Hombre decides that she doesn’t deserve an answer.  They start bickering again.  Who fucking cares.  Ambre over-delivers a few choice lines, like “For a pretty girl, you;re the ugliest person I’ve ever met.” Bad. Actress.  Hombre calls Muppet a bitch as she walks out of the room.

- You know, for a not-really-very-short girl, Ambre has got some stumpy fucking legs.  She strolls to her dinner with Douche, who has a gift for her.  He described it as a “Little rock & roll meets a little cool meets a little classy.” Only it’s fucking horrible.

Good lord.  That man has zero taste.  In anything.

- The dinner convo is more of the “I like you.” “Well I like you!” stuff that feels so fucking scripted.  “By the way, for the record, I’m not wearing any underwear.” Douchefessional that he thinks that’s the best thing a woman can say.  meanwhile I retch a little, because “I’m not wearing any underwear” means a few things.

1. It means that during the normal course of just being a human - especially a human in a warm climate like, say, Mexico - your privates generate moisture, and the whole point of underwear is to help absorb and wick away that moisture.  If you don’t wear them, then it just sits on you, until it dries, but more moisture always comes, and then the bacteria and yeast start in and the next thing you know, the whole damn hotel room smells like a cross between a sewage treatment plant and a San Francisco pier.

2. It means there’s a good chance that your buh-gine is going to run against the furniture at some point.  The same furniture that 6,963 sweaty tourists have rubbed their asses on for the last umpteen years, after riding Mexican buses, riding in Mexican cabs, rubbing up against fuck knows what all day, and of course depositing their own genital sweat into the mix.  Oh yum!  SO SEXY!

Ladies, wear the fucking panties. Not wearing them is not half as sexy as it seems on TV

- Oh.  Then she shows him.  Am I supposed to believe that these two are all giggly and attracted to each other?  I mean I know he’ll take a flying fuck at a rolling donut given half a chance, but come on.

- They go to his suite.  he give her (read: us the viewers) a tour.  It’s a commercial for Me.  I wonder if he got a little something extra for all these blatant commercials during the show, or was it something he had to do in order to get the contract.  I;d want a little extra scratch for being so blatant a pitch whore.  It’s decidedly non-rock & roll.

- Awesome-ometer; 7.  Douche-fessional; “This is it everybody.  This is the moment of truth.” Really?  Pretending that you are going to put your cock in this actress is the moment of truth?  If you say so, dude.

Can i just re-iterate something?  If this were real, what we have here is a guy making a bunch of women compete to get to be his “special lady.” At the end, as it was last year, he takes the two finalists on a trip.  It is plainly stated that he sleeps with both of them, and they’re perfectly OK sharing his cock and being made to stand there while he picks only one of them and then unceremoniously dumps the other one.

What the fuck?

Commercial.

- Next morning.  OH FUCKING BLOODY HELL THE WIG. 

He thanks her for a great day and an “even more awesome-eser night.” I think that counts.  Awesome-ometer; 8.  Jesus Jumped Up Christ on a sidecar that wig is terrible.  It looks like a plastic mold of what a wig might look like. 

- That about wraps it up for them. Hombre heads back to the room, and Muppetface’s duck-faced pout-fest which is no doubt waiting for her.  Cut to the balcony where Muppetface is trying so hard to make Hombre jealous.  While I don’t like Ambre, but this is pathetic.  Ambre calls her out on it and Daisy pulls the same game on her that Ambre tries all the time: “What? What am I doing?  I’m just...”

Childish.

- The date starts. You can smell the vibe right away.  It’s all goofy and surface and stupid, and “awesome.” Awesome-ometer: 8.  He’s only interested in one thing with Daisy.  He;s probably right, I mean she’s not exactly the deep end of the pool or anything.  May as well poke & go.

- their date is deep sea fishing, a cruise and drinking.  The whole point is to get her drunk and ranting, I suppose.  Douche-fessional: “I wanna find out besiodes Daisy being one of the hottest women I’ve ever laid eyes on, I wanna find out what’s goin’ on inside her noggin. In her heart, in her soul.  (REALLY douchey, sleazy voice here) And then suck face with her.”

He really thinks that shit makes him seem cool.  he;s like that dick at the party who is always making the not-quite-funny jokes that are just a little inappropriate.

- He tells Daisy, YET AGAIN that he’s into her for her body and some shit about great sex and how he knew it would be awesome.  Awesome-ometer: 9.  OK, BRET, WE GET IT.  AMBRE ALMOST WAS ELIMINATED AND DAISY HAS A HOT BODY, AND YOU ARE THE KING OF ALL PUSSY.  WE FUCKING GET IT.

He lays the “transitional period” rap on her again.  The script here is that Bret already has his mind made up that Ambre is more “stable” and at Bret;s age, he’s still a rocker but wants to settle down.  he is SO picking Ambre, and it’s all about rehabbing his image from the big mistake he made last year.  He eliminated the slightly older women that never had a prayer, but this will be all about the come-from-behind victory and the fact that he picked the more “mature” one.  Even though they have about as much chemistry as Draino and my asshole.

This is about solidifying that MILF fanbase of his so they keep buying his records and paying for tickets.  he has about as much intent of dating Ambre later as I have of pouring a bottle of Draino in my ass with a funnel.

Again.

- Mawhn-tahge of fishing and riding the “King of the World” position on the boat.  Then Muppet gets seasick.  Bret is giving advice about how to deal with it.  Dude...there’s nothing you can do.  You either puke and pray it stops, ride it out, or take drugs to stop it.  Talk all you want, but that shit will whup your ass until the boat stops moving.  trust me, I know.  I love the ocean, and it hates me.  I get sick as fuck on big waves.  Nothing to do but deal.

- They go to fish, and she’s stumbling...she’s for real seasick.  She goes down to the deck.  She’s losing circulation in her hands?  Weird.  He decides to turn the boat around.  Douchefessional: “I really wanted to spend this most awesome day out with Daisy at sea, but I’m realizing; she’s a landlubber.”

And that’s why you should have ASKED before booking - or having the staff book - this kind of a day.  Not everyone likes boats.  Even if they do - like me - they may get sick anyway.  But, the point of this shit is not to have a good time with a woman, the point of this shit is to prove that Bret can decide and determine what is going to happen, and you either get with the program or go home.  Because as I said last week, your role as a potential “rock of love” is to subordinate your existence to his.  Never make things hard for him, never be real, never question him, never present more than a minor bump in the road, something that he can “fix” with a hug and one of his stock “caring” phrases.  Anything more than that and he’ll walk away.

Bret Michaels is Powerpoint deep.

- He tells the “captain” that Daisy’s seasickness is going beyond sick and going “into the mind, where she just wants off the boat.” Well fucking duh you stupid prick.  I’m guessing Douche has never been severely motion sick.  It’s one of the worst feelings.  I’d rather be in a lot of pain.  Luckily for me, on our honeymoon, I was both.  Popped a disc in my back and went on an ocean run where I got so sick I had to stare at the floor for two hours.

Anyway, Bret’s a douche.  She’s gonna hurl.  Commercial.

- Back, and Daisy’s chucking margarita over the side of the boat. 

Douchefessional that of all the girls he’s watched puke, Daisy is the hottest.  OH FOR FUCKING FUCK’S SAKE YOU FUCKING SAD OLD PIECE OF SHIT STOP.  Puking isn’t sexy and you are pretending that every fucking thing makes you horny and it’s sad and pathetic.  It’s not cute or endearing or cool.

- He’s “caring” for her by hugging her and rubbing ice on her stomach, and she confessionals that she doesn’t think he could be more caring.  SEE!  See what I’m saying?  A few easy lines, some ice and a hug.  Meanwhile she has REAL issues in her life and he’s going to cut her loose so fast because of them it’ll make her head and gut spin all over again. 

- Back on land.  He douchefessionals that they are still gonna have a most awesome date.  Awesome-ometer: 10.  Double digits two weeks in a row!  Sweetness.  Jesus!  before I even get a chance to move in another awesome as they part to get dressed for dinner.  Awesome-ometer: 11.

- Weird.  When Daisy went back to the room to get ready, wither Ambre was gone, or nothing happened.  I vote for the second and why?  No script.  This wasn’t supposed to happen now because they were supposed to be on the boat all day.  I caught you, VH1!

- Cut to dinnertime.  Douche is wearing some spangly Ed Hardy shirt and Muppetface is wearing what looks like a satin nighty.  hey, when your ass looks like that, you can wear whatever the fuck you want.

- Gift time.  Same box as the one Ambre got.  Could it possibly be the same necklace only with different charms?

It is.  Fuck me...it is.  It’s the same fucking thing.  Jesus Christ.  If that doesn’t demonstrate how little he thinks of them...even if this is as fake as I think it is, if *I* were in the Bret position I would insist on the producers differentiating the gifts based on, you know the person I was supposed to give them to.  If for no other reason than I would like like a total twat giving the same gift to two women on TV.

This is a fucking sitcom plot for fuck’s sake.  SO cheesy.

- Sidebar; My prediction is that inside of three years, Daisy ends up as a contract girl for Vivid’s Alt division.  Or worse, Elegant Angel.

- She tells him she is at a point that she wants to change and grow.  And he replies that is...wait for it...that’s right, awesome.  Awesome-ometer; 12.

- Muppetface tries to say something, and I think she was trying to tell him that Ambre went apeshit when Daisy called her old and boring or whatever the hell they said during that fight.  Plus, she’s trying to sell herself as the hotter, more exciting one.  two things leaped out at me:

1. Daisy can’t talk.  She is literally incapable of beginning a thought and expressing it coherently.  She starts a sentence, throws in a bunch of “you knows” and “umms,” then cuts halfway through to the beginning of another sentence, then leapfrogs to the past half of whatever conclusion she hopes you’ve reached.  She talks like her brain is a boggle shaker.

2. I’m the middle of this she said ‘I’m not the girl (she grabs her own boobs), obviously with the white picket fence” And douche replies with “That;s not what I’m looking for.” She keeps talking.  realizing his mistake, and how that would damage the script later when he picks Ambre, he tries to cover it with ‘That’s not what I’m looking for in you.”

He’s picking Ambre, and those two will NEVER date.  Not even once. It’s all for show.

- The babbling continues.  she tells him she loves him.  He says nothing in return, but starts sucking face.  Dinner over.  Did they even get any food?

- Time for Muppetface’s turn on the Bret Michaels Pussy Spit.  Fucking hell.  These people have no god-damned respect for themselves.  Commercial.

- SIDEBAR; Holy fuck, it just gets worse.

Fucking hell.  That’s just *sad*.

- The next morning.  Awesome-ometer: 13.  I believe that is a tie for the all-time record, so, you know, historic.  He sends her off after dumping loads into her all night.  Sucker.  You just got your vagina rented.

- The girls are back together in the room.  Supertension is in the air.  No one speaks.  Ambre-fessional that she doesn’t get the silence.  “Am I missing something here?” Yes, you are.  First one to speak loses, sweetie.  if you ask, you *need* to know and Daisy wins.  If she volunteers it too soon, then you win because she had to rub it in your face.  In her mind, I mean.  It’s a silly power struggle played by immature goofballs.  Like the kind of women that would go on a reality show to date a washed up rock star.

Take my advice - advice I learned from WOPR; the only way to win is not to play.

- Ambre loses.  She is really fixated on that fact that Daisy imitated her walk.  Struck a nerve?  Ambre asks her why the silent treatment...once again, Muppetface speaks a language that is not right down to earth and that no one can understand.  She starts four different sentences, all of which are trying to say that she;s in some kind of zone or fantasy land where only she and Bret exist.  She never finishes any of them, then looks at Hombre and says “Do you get it?” No, Muppetface, no one gets it because you’re not actually saying whatever the it is that we’re supposed to get.

Huge parts of that girl’s brain are just missing.

More arguing. 

“You degraded me by calling me a stripper.”
“Dude that’s your occupation!  I’m a TV host, you’re a stripper.”

First of all, cable access in LA does not make you a “TV Host.” Secondly, well, yeah, she’s a stripper, but no stripper wants to be reminded of that.  The number of strippers in any given club who strip because they god-damned well want to can usually be counted on one finger or less.  They HATE being reminded of what they are and what they do.  Apparaently it’s an insult to simply state the facts as they exist.  Seen it a million times.  Hell, we saw it last year on this show with Heather.

If you want to see Daisy’s tee-tas, BTW, just head to Shotgun Willie’s while in the Denver area.  I hear she;s still working there, and still living with Charles.

- SOB!  Daisy is really scared.  Of course that means muppet tears!

Aww, widdle stwipper girwl wanna stay wif big wock staww!  Whatever.

- Room service shows up at the room with a note for the girls.  It’s in verse this time.  They get spa treatments.  How exciting............wait, that’s not excitement.  That is my heart stopping dead from boredom.

- BIG logo shot.

What a surprise, it’s part of the hotel.  Gee, comped gifts again?  Who’d a thunk it?  Mawhn-tahge of the Yhi Spa.

- Oh for FUCK’S SAKE.  Mawhn-tage of Ambre’s doings on the show.  YES, I KNOW SHE WAS ALMOST ELIMINATED.  I FUCKING WELL FUCKING GOD-DAMNED WELL FUCKING KNOW IT ALREADY.  This is just padding the extra half hour.

- And now it’s Daisy’s turn for the same exact kind of recap of all her doings.

- Oh GOD, Douche gets a recap mawhn-taghe that starts out with him strolling along the surf.

Nice strategic holes, dickweed.  That was cool when we were 16.  Also, another shitfuck ballad that is making me more than a little seasick myself...OH FUCKING the recap ends with the sheesiest “bret is the sunset” pose ever.

Fuck me.  It’s so bad it’s beyond cheese.  That should be labeled as a processed cheese food.

- Commercial.  THANK MOTHERFUCKING GOD THIS IS ALMOST IT.  The long night is almost over for me!

- Elimination time.  Hombre is petrified.  She over-acts a line about how Bret holds her heart in his hands.  She’ll feel complete of he picks her.  I buy exactly none of it.

- Daisy elimination-fessionals that she’s scared, but if Douche picke Ambre she’ll be shocked.  Prepare to be shocked.

- Driven separately, they arrive and walk down some fake Mayan temple set.  So cheesy.

- The douche arrives from a pit under the stairs.  Holy fuck, the suit.

That could not be worse.  Casino called, douchebag, and they want their wardrobe back.

- Usual lines about how they both look great.  Thanks for taking the journey and all that shit.  He douchefessionals that he made the wrong decision last year.  Yeah, financially...picking the young girl cost him money.  betcha!

- Speechifying about how he has been through X Y and Z with Daisy.  Same shit as he always says.  Then he fucking says again that Ambre was almost eliminated.  I can’t believe they keep saying it over and fucking over.

Fuck you VH1 I’M NOT STUPID YOU BASTARDS, I GET THE GOD-DAMNED STORYLINE.  I SAW PI AND UNDERSTOOD IT, SO FUCKING KNOCK IT OFF.

- Choice time.  Dramatic music.  Chick-fessionals.  He hems and haws.  ‘COMMERCIAL!  You’d think we were watching a Fox game show.

- Back.  Can we just pick Ambre and get it over with?  Douche babbles some more.  More about each girl.  More chick-fessionals.  STOP FUCKING DELAYING IT.  “Daisy would you come down here please”

She thinks he’s picking her.  Doh.  Sorry, Muppetbaby, but your tour ends here.

She’s stunned.  He gives her some shit about how he loves being around her but it’s just not going to work.  Muppet-fessional full of sobbing how she’s in love with him and seven half sentences.  She wanders away into some kind of artificial cave, which has to be some sort of metaphor.

- Ambre gets picked.  WHAT A SURPRISE!  WHAT A TWIST OF FATE!  And then, just to solidify my hatred for all things Bret and VH1, he fucking douchefessionals AGAIN that Ambre almost got eliminated and blah blah blah.

If in the future you read about a crazy fat man assaulting the VH1 studios with a arsenal of weapons, screaming nonsense about “I FUCKING GET IT YOU BASTARDS” you’ll know what happened.

He uses that “rock of like, rock of lust” line *again*.  Blah blah, they both think they’re the one for them. 

Last line, from Bret: “Now let’s go have hot monkey sex.”

That’s so fucking appropriate.  Such a typical cheesebag line.  Perfect way to end this show.

- The reunion looks pretty fucked up.  Heather and Daisy literally get into a huge physical fight.  Maybe that will be fun.  All I know is it’ll truly be the end of this shit.

I’d love to lie and say it was fun, but after awhile, it wasn’t.  Still, it was a great exercise in making up new words...and it does improve my typing speed.  Just not my accuracy.  :)

Less

The ladies that remain, and what we will forever remember them as:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Prediction: Destiney is so out of here.  Like that’s such a limb on which to go out, right?  Still, she’s gone.

- The recap: It’s all about Superworms at first, then a recap of Hombre not being sexy at all, then Daisy being the hottest Muppet in Muppet history.  Also, they want keeping the Vegas fighting in mind.

- Morning at the Double Douche ranch, and the whores arrive home from Vegas.  Breakfast with the Three Stooges.

- The house is so empty without the rest of the whores.

- BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Mandanna, v-neck pirate shirt, no medallion, light guyliner?  It must be gay pirate day.  Also he’s carrying scrub buckets for the ladies, along with the note.

You’re back from Vegas,
but the stakes are still high.
Still anyone’s game,
my girls never say die.
Get yourselves ready,
and clean up this place,
today’s adventure brings a familiar face.

They get an hour.  To clean the whole house?  That doesn’t even make sense by reality show fake-tv-time.  Hombre terrible-actresses her way through a confessional where she’s “nervous” and “doesn’t knwo what’s coming.” Christ she is the worst actress.  Acting-wise, Rose McGowan is Ambre as Judi Dench is to Jenna Jameson.  Although I suspect that for the right role, Ambre, like Jenna - and let’s face it, Rose McGowan - would take it up the pooper two at a time.

- Cue mawhn-tahge of cleaning.  So stupid.

- Doorbell.  Guess who’s coming to dinner?  Poppa Hombre.  It’s Ambre’s first realistically portrayed reaction to date.  Then she ruins it with a horrible confessional again.

- Holy ever-loving the Lord my God.  What the hell is this about?

Bret is like a Monet at this point.  Let me explain.  I like Monet paintings.  But, as the tired old joke goes, up close they are a mess.  They are meant to be viewed from a distance and designed, as the style implies, to give an impression of whatever scene by which Claude found himself captivated.  Bret Michaels has turned into an Impressionistic version of himself.  From halfway down the hall, in a fuzzy, compressed screengrab from a compressed video pulled of my already compressed TiVo, he sort of looks like Bret Michaels circa 1988.  He gives the impression of his former self.  It’s only when you get up close that you see the jowly face, the sunken, aged eyes and the line where that wig meets his scalp.

Bret?  Dude?  It’s better when you wear the bandanna. 

See what I mean? Total Monet.

- He tries to meet Poppa Hombre, but Dad won’t stop hugging his daughter.  John interjects a “Sir?” And then VH1 dubbed in the exact same “Sir” multiple times to make it seem like John kept asking.  It’s *so* stupid when they do shit like this.  You can hear it’s the exact same “sir” just copied three times.  Dumb.  It makes John look like an asshole, and it insults my intelligence.

By which I mean I insult my intelligence just be watching this fucking show, but I digress.  ;)

- Hombre says her daddy is a Southern conservative church-going man.  Oh.  Now I get why she’s still here!  Actress + almost eliminated storyline + conservative daddy!  Perfect recipe for storyline twists and some nice dramatic conflicts during parent’s week.

- Muppetface has a sad story.  Hasn’t seen her dad since 17, mom since 20.  Wait.  Hold the fucking phone.  A stripper with daddy issues from a broken home?  NO FUCKING WAY.  How is that possible?  I’ve never heard of such a thing.  That’s like saying Polish people like food involving cabbage.  Who ever heard of such a thing?

- Destiney’s family shows up.

Skeletor is fucking a mummy!  Jesus Christ, where’s Brendan Fraser when you need him?  Someone needs to smite these two before their evil plot to enslave humanity is fulfilled.  I always tell people to stay out of ancient tombs.  See what happens?  The potential destruction of the Earth.

- Douche says Destiney’s parents (Hereafter known as the Megaworms, or Poppa Megaworm and Momma Megaworm) are “biker hippy.” Yeah, I see that.  Mom’s in tye-dye, dad has a big gothic cross on his jacket.  Also, Poppa Megaworm has a face tat.

Deep Space Nine fan, or just a dumbass?  Do those spots go all the way down?  And am I now aroused by the thought of Jadzia while looking at Skeletor?  And do I hate myself and want to die now?  Yes.  yes I do.

Fucking Worf.  Super fighting badass, Barry White voice, bat’leth master and he got to trace Jadzia Dax’s spots.  Some imaginary scifi characters get all the luck.

Awesome-ometer; 1.

- The fams are chatting and Poor Muppetface is all ahh-wooonez.  I think she need a cock to cheer her up.  I wonder where in this house she could find an accessible cock on short notice.  Preferably one not wearing a merkin.

- The doorbell rings.  Ominous music.  Who will it be?  It’s Stephanie.  Stephanie is Charles’ sister.

She has a bit of the Susan Sarandon cougar look about her.  One suspects she was a bit of a hot tart in her younger years.  :)

OK, here’s the thing.  Muppetface is Oscar de la Hoya’s niece.  The last time we all saw him, he was in that crossdressing scandal that sort of wasn’t really a scandal at all. unless you are a prideful Latino male.  That Latino pride has sent him underground for awhile even though he denied the pics were real.

Now, consider the exposure that throwing a fat ton of cash at Oscar would result in.  A whole new level of press coverage.  ESPN would be reporting of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.  Oscar’s a professional who would probably do it for a fee; but if that wasn’t an incentive, sell it to him by saying that here is his chance to step up and be a man, a father to Daisy when her own father abandoned her.  here is a chance to show the world that Latino men take care of their families.  Tell him he can redeem the lost pride from some stupid dress-up pics by stepping up and being there for a member of his family.

Easier and probably more personal to Daisy to go with Stephanie, to be sure, but man, what a lost opportunity for the show, VH1 and Bret himself to gain exposure to a whole new level of audience.  So much of this shit is fake anyway, why not make a sound business decision?

- Douche is weirded out by the non-familial relationship.  Then we jump to a mawhn-tahge of last year’s parental nonsense with Lacey’s father. 

- Cut to: Hanging out with the rents in the animal print hell that is the main.game/living/great room of this gaudy, Africa-has-exploded-in-our-house nightmare they call a mansion. Time for drinks.  Poppa Megaworm has cancer and doesn’t drink.  Liver cancer, and he has six months to live.  This is getting a little heavy.  Time to lighten it up.  Poppa Megaworms brought pics of his latest custom motorcycle.

Pretty hot.  I like a basic, bad-ass Harley, although I’ll never be able to afford one.  Also, as Bret confessionaled, it means a lot that this guy is taking time out of his last six months to waste what little energy he has to come out to this show.  Too bad it won’t really matter as she’s about to get eliminated.  Lastly, I feel like a complete twat for calling him Skeletor now.

- Time for a BBQ.  Poppa Hombre lays Ambre’s age on Bret.  Flashback to the day she lied and said she was 32.  Douche-fessional: “Immediately, red flag.  I am wondering what the hell else Ambre has lied about.” Uhh, everything?  She’s an actress.  technically I suppose it’s not lying, it’s [JonLovitz] ACTING! [/JonLovitz] Commercial.

- We’re back.  We’re eating.  Bret is wearing this:

Why?  Because Bret Michaels is a douchebag, that’s why.

- Destiney and Bret are making stupid jokes about the size of the chicken breast.  We’re supposed to be concerned for Poppa Hombre.  Instead I’m concerned for the average IQ of the VH1 production team if they think this is good television.

Awesome-ometer; 2

- Oh no.  Bret is going to show them some performance footage from a new live video they’re doing.  Destiney leaps to her feet and starts gyrating and dancing like there’s a pole both in front of her and directly under her cooze hole. 

Douche is acting like he’s having a good time at first, whooping and whatnot, but as Hombre confessionals, he’s not into this act of Destiney’s at all.  Then he confessionals that he’s worried that Superworms came alive for Bret Michaels the rock star, and that she won’t love Bret Michaels off the stage.  He’s right, of course.  She’s a groupie.

- Time for a special date with Daisy & Stephanie.  Awesome-ometer: 3.  Superworms assaults him in the foyer before they leave for the date and tries to mouth-fuck Douche to death.  She’s very proud of her dick move.

- The date: The Rainbow Bar & Grill.  Only a matter of time before they went here, I guess.  Daisy has never been to any of the rock clubs in LA.  Douche starts asking about Charles.  He’s laying it out for Stephanie and again, says “he doesn’t buy it.” Muppetface drops some more info: He (Charles) cheated on her.  They were, in the middle of dealing with the “wall” that created when she decided to surprise Charles and come out here to be on this show.

That’s...odd.  And less than honest to both Douche and JuniorDouche.  Methinks I may have defended Daisy a bit too early when all of this came up a couple weeks ago.  Bret seems to agree via Douche-fessional.  He - and I - don’t believe that Daisy and Charles haven’t had sex in two years.  I think they were in the middle of an “on again” period when Daisy came home one day and said “Guess what?  I’m going to go try to fuck Bret Michaels.”

JuniorDouche wants his Muppetface back.

- Back to the house.  Worms sends her parents to bed and waits for Bret so she can tounge-fuck his face hole again.  Hombre and Poppa Hombre are chatting.  Dad asks Worms what her future plans are, and there was a telling moment where she talked about if she became “his girlfriend, or whatever, you know, his interest...” Heh.  His “interest?” You meant to say the regional franchise of the Pussy On The Road chain of easy-open pissflap dispensaries.  Whore.

Hombre confessionals that there was no mention of Bret in any of Destiney’s future plans.  True dat.

- Back to The Rainbow.  Awesome-ometer: 4.  Douche wants to know what exactly the deal is so he can get it straight in his mind.  Honestly (a weird thing to say in relation to this show, I know) I can understand that.  More bits and pieces are always coming out about this Muppet/JuniorDouche relationship.

Stephanie defends Daisy.  She says that Bret is thinking like a guy.  Since Daisy is female, the physical attraction between Daisy and Charles is dead because the emotional connection is dead.  Oh just fuck right off.  It annoys me to no end that people use their sex as an excuse to be overly emotional, or not emotional or whatever the excuse is.  I also hate the myth that women can’t be physically attracted to someone without an emotional attachment.  It’s bullshit.  People are physically attracted to other people that fit the criteria for what they find physically attractive.  Being attracted and acting on attraction are two completely different entities.

Your sex is neither a shield for bad behavior or an excuse to not do something.  It’s all in your head.

Sorry.  Pet peeve.  Didn’t mean to go off on a rant there.  Only yes I did.  Sorry for lying to you.

Douche believes it coming from Stephanie, I guess.  Douche-fessional that he’s not sure he can handle Daisy’s not being honest.  He doesn’t call her a liar, but, yeah, he does.  I like to think of it as Daisy having multiple levels of honesty.  Bret just took the elevator to Level 3.  Maybe if he fucks her hard enough during one of their hookups, he can ride the Truth-a-vator to Level 7: The Whole Story-town.

Commercial.

- Back, and it’s the next day.  Err...what happened when Bret came home?  Did Worms get a chance to rape his mouth again?  If not, why not?  THESE ARE THE THINGS WE NEED TO KNOW, VH1.

- Big John brings the note. 

There was a “fantastic families” in there.  Sweet, sweet alliteration… :) Destiney gets to go first, so she goes off to get ready.

- Stephanie and Poppa Megaworms are at the breakfast bar chatting.  You know what’s scary...for Destiney?  Stephanie looks better at her age, first thing in the morning, than Destiney ever has.

Pops sold his Harley back in the day when they first had her.  Aww...he’s a good dude.  And speaking of bikes, OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Jesus he’s a douchebag.  Anyway he’s taking Poppa Megaworms out riding.  Awesome-ometer: 5.  He’s got a nice fat custom bike waiting outside for him.  Awesome-ometer: 6.  Off to the tattoo parlor.

Tattoo guys always have the worst tats.  It’s like hairdressers.  They all have these horrible haircuts.  I don’t get it.

- Superworms plays this really smart.  She is trying to say that she only wants the logo done and not the words “Rock of Love.” That’s a smart decision.  That way it will be a personal reminder of her time here but it’s not a walking ad for “Rock of Love” for the rest of her life.  Douche tries to talk her into getting the words done.  He fucking knows he’s cutting her at this stage.  Yet here he is again, pushing another woman into marking herself as his property...he tells her that when Heather did it, she was fully committed to getting it down and showed no hesitation.

Jesus CHRIST...why would he say that?  Why is he trying to get her to do the words?  Just so that for the rest of her life, any man that sees it will know that he marked his possession and they are but mere second place finishers?  And why would he push this on a woman he god-damned well knows he’s about to kick off the show?

I mean he’s no Rikki.  It’s not like he’s forcing her to have sex, but for the love of fuck, this is just...misogynist, I guess.  A different kind of male domination power play.  Not as bad as what Rikki (allegedly) did, but almost as pathetic.

- It’s done.

Douche: “It’s not my name, but I’m dealing with it somehow.” Asshole.

- Back to the house.  They walk in and AGAIN he says “It’s not my name, as heartbreaking as it was...” He just won’t stop, which to me implies that it’s more than a joke.  He feels like she didn’t mark herself clearly enough as his, even though he doesn’t actually want her!

- Hombre’s turn.  her confessional is *especially* over-acted, telling us how she’s looking forward to this date.  One gets the feeling that she did a lot of summer stock theater right before she filmed these confessional segments.  Tine it down, honey, we can hear you in the back just fine.

- They go to TeruSushi.  It actually looks like somewhere I would want to go...unless the food sucks.  Locals?  Anyone ever been there?  It certainly looks the part, the building is very Tokyo in the Edo Period.

Awesome-ometer: 7.

- Amusing segment where Bret teaches Poppa Hombre to eat sushi.  Then Bret brings up the age thing where she said she was 32.  SuperActor Ambre Lake swings into action!  She over-reacts to the question with that face/mouth cover things she always does.  Her voice just ever-so-slightly breaks up in her confessional.  And then they go to commercial without dealing with it.  Wait, was that supposed to be a cliffhanger?  Oh.  Sorry VH1.  I didn’t realize.  Normally when something is a cliffhanger, the viewer gives one or two rat’s hairy asses.  Considering that Hombre looks every single day of her 37 years, the fact that everyone in this house is a lying piece of shit and the fact that Bret looks more like a basset hound than a sex god, who rightly gives a fat fuck?

Commercial.

- Sidebar: Wait a minute.  Was he trying to mark Destiney not so much for all men, but because he knows she;s a *Poison* groupie?  This way his mark is on her so if and when she gets backstage - and you know all these girls from this show are going to get free reign at Poison shows for a couple of years - if she gets backstage and let’s say she meets Rikki.  Poor her, but let’s say it happens, she gets summoned backstage and he’s seated on one of those ridiculous white couches and she’s on her knees blowing him.  As her head bobs down, what would he see?  Bret’s brand, that’s what.

I think I’m on to something there.

- Back to the show, and we’re talking about the age thing again.  She’s [Lovitz]ACTING![/Lovitz] again.

She told her dad that if the other girls ask, be evasive, but tell Bret the truth.  She told him that she was trying to protect her career.  And then she said some weird stuff about how “this si why my dad is here” and “I wanted my dad to meet you.” But earlier she said that she didn’t know what was happening today.

Baroo? (head tilt).  It really seems like she’s saying that she knew for a fact that her dad was coming here today.  But how would she know that?  She was supposed to be able to be eliminated at any moment.  She might never have made it to this episode.  Except that the script always called for her to be the one that wins it all after ALMOST GETTING ELIMINATED OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN YOU ALMOST SENT ME HOME BRET NOW WE’RE DATING OH MY GOD THIS IS SO WEIRD A GREAT STORY FOR THE GRANDKIDS blah blah fuck you Ambre I hate you and your lack of acting talent die in a fire.

- She overacts telling Bret that she’s fallen in love with him.  She overacts her confessional about how something so stupid could fuck up her chances to get a better career find true love.  Date over.

- Back to the house.  Douche gathers the rents.  He thanks them, and then trundles off to get makeup and eyeliner done for elimination.  That shit takes hours.  Ric baker is involved, I think.

- Dad-fessional from Randy, Ambre’s dad.  He feels like his daughter deserves “prob’ly better than Bret, but he’s a good guy.” Doh.

Awesome-ometer; 8.

- Ex-boyfriend’s sister-fessional from Stephanie: She hopes that she helped clarify “Chuck” and Daisy’s relationship.  “Chuck?” That guy gets called “Chuck?” Wow.  That’s a pretty big disconnect.

- Dad-fessional from Tommy, Destiney’s dad: He would be proud to welcome Bret into his family.  Apparently Momma Megaworms means about as much to this equation as the oil that leaks from those bike engines...could they have been more dismissive of her presence?

- The girls say goodbye to family.  Mawhn-tahge of goodbyes and chick-fessionals.  Cut to the chicks hanging out in the bedroom.

- Hombre needs to clear the air, or whatever.  She tells Worms she’s sorry for not saying something to Worms’ face, that she questioned if Destiney was here to give her heart to Bret.  Worms shocks the world by being reasonable and saying that she can’t tell Bret she is in love with him as she doesn’t know him that way yet.  DUH!  This whole fucking thing is shot over two weeks.  That ANY of these dumb bitches think they can fall in true love while cat-fighting it out with 29 other starfucking whorebags is ridiculous!  BUT...this is going to be precisely why Destiney is getting cut.  Bret requires you to subjugate....no, to subordinate your ego and your existence to his.  You have to be half-spineless and made of wet clay for him to want you...and she may be a lot of things, but apparently Destiney is neither spineless nor mold-able.  She’s speaking reason, and reason be damned, we got some pussy to get!

She’s such a cunt.  Ambre, I mean.  She’s getting Destiney to say this stuff so she can use it against her at elimination.  Watch.  She;s going to stop the proceedings and tell on Superworms.  When I call her a cunt, by the way, I mean that her character is a cunt.  After all, an actress can only play the role she’s given and follow her director’s instructions.

- So the other two are in love with Bret, according to them.  Daisy asks Destiney if she would be here if it was Jon Bon Jovi, or, and this was a weird leap to make, John Stamos.  John Stamos?  What the fuck?  What do Jon Bon Jovi and Uncle Jesse have in common?  And how sad is it that there is a whole generation of people who equate the name “Uncle Jesse” with Stamos and not Denver Pyle.

Superworms can’t answer the question.  Commercial.  FUKCING FINALLY elimination time!

- Eliminations.  All the stooges, all lined up:

Two of them look like various kinds of moms and one of them looks like she will fuck you silly and leave you broke, spent and satisfied afterwards.  I’m just saying.

- Elimination-fessionals: Daisy thinks Worms should GTFO, Hombre doesn’t regret telling Douche she wuvs him and Worms thinks it’s too late.  Douche says he “doesn’t know” who he’s gonna eliminate.

What am I, a dimwitted moron?  Like I can’t see this setup a mile away?  Like I can’t see that he’s going to on-the-spur-of-the-moment pick Destiney to eliminate based on whatever drama is about to unfold.  Oh, and John isn’t carrying passes.

- Douche thanks them for allowing him to be a part of their lives.  GUY FUCKING LINER HOLY SHIT.

- He starts with Hombre.  he loves her drive and ambition and intelligence.  The downside is that he fears that her drive could turn their relationship into a business relationship.  DUDE THEY’RE ALL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP!  YOU MARK WHORES AND KEEP THEM ON THE DANGLE UNTIL YOU CAL THEM!

- He loves that Destiney is a wild child, and that he was blessed to meet her father.  The downside: OK, I have to quote this as it was not actually in English.

“The downside...I feel that in your life there is a possible transitional period right now, and I just wanna make sure that in this moment in my life that we are just connecting at the wrong time.” Really?  You want to make sure that you are connecting at the wrong time?

I know what he meant, but man, that turned out the opposite of how it sounded in his head.

- Daisy’s turn; Physical connection.  He loves her creativity.  His concerns are her “walk in garage” of skeletons to get through and that he might not be through all of them.

Douche says “Daisy is there anything, anything at all you wanna tell me.” And there is.  PAUSE THE TIVO!

For the fucking love of fuck, I really hope she’s going to be the one to drop a dime on Destiney and that this isn’t another secret of hers.  What’s left?  She believes aliens built the pyramids?  She wants to let scientists implant a baboon in her womb because she’s always dreamed of a half-human, half-baboon baby with a bright red ass?  Please tell me this is a narc moment.  One more secret and I’m gonna track this chick down and kill her myself.

- And the one thing is: Yep.  Destiney’s thing.  Ambre confirms it, and uses her “I’ve given everything” line again.  Bitter in-fighting starts...they start in on her about not answering if she’d be here for another star .  Destiney admits that she auditioned for the first season like that is some kind of proof that she really wants Bret.

Wait, that’s not fair.  Actually there are two sides to that:

1. It could demonstrate that she just wants to be on TV.  If it was Rock of Love with Bobby Dall, she’d be there too.  She wants to fuck someone in Poison.
2. It could demonstrate that she really wants to get to know Bret specifically, so much that she was willing to humiliate herself after being rejected last year.

She reiterates that she cannot say that she’s in love with him, but she cares and has feelings and is willing to do whatever it takes to take it to the next level.  Again, please allow me to use my $0.50 vocab word and stress that this may be a reasonable, adult position to take, but it will kill her chances because Bret rquires that your existence be subordinated to his if you want to be in orbit around Planet Michaels.

That’s probably half the reason that he and Rikki and he and CC have had so many problems over the years.  They too wish to be the centers of their respective universes, but Planet Bret is a bigger ball of rock.  No pun intended.

Commercial.

- We’re back.  Douche looks like he’s smelling cheese.  “Two girls told me today that they are falling in love with me.  One girl told me she was loving the experience.” Then he calls worms down.

Awesome-ometer: 9.  DOUBLE AWESOME...Awesome-ometer 10.  Double digits.  Rock and fucking roll, peoples.

The Worms is OUTTA HERE.  He gives hers that “you r tour ends here” gimmick.  Douche-fessional that she needs a few more years to party - and spend time with her father.  he walks her out and he’s crying.  All together now.  1...2...3...AWWWWWWWW!

- He comes back in and says that he’s happy that he has two beautiful girls that he cares about.  Next episode: Awesome trip to Cancun...and another double-awesome!  Awesome-ometer: 12, and that;s the first double double-awesome in a single episode, folks.  And You. Were. There.

- They step off the hot seat, give him a double hug and Douche has to get that one-sleaze-step-too-far line in.

“This could work.  This feels right.” Always reminding us that he can get chicks and always being a little bit sleazy.  God bless Bret Michaels.  Or damn him.  whichever.

- Scenes from the next: Cancun.  Finale.  Hombre overacts.  The chicks argue.  Bret fucks ‘em both.  He picks one.

This episode was dedicated to Destiney’s dad:

You know, I have to say, it’s probably appropriate to an old biker that the last image most of the world will have of him is cruising down an LA street on the back of a big fat hog.  Good for you, Tommy.  And I apologize for wanting Brendan Fraser to smite you.  But I get the feeling you would have laughed.

- There’s no way I’m blogging the “Lost moments” special.  Unless we see graphic footage of KayJay masturbating with root vegetables, or something equally as noteworthy.  Maybe then I’d blog it. Barring that, see you next week for the big finish!

Less

The skanks whores sluts attention-seeking cum dumpsters that are left:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Prediction: Destiney acts like a supergroupie in Vegas, starts all the fights and ends up getting the boot.  *Small* chance that the show will throw a swerve and eliminate Daisy because no one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition.  I doubt it, but it’s the distant second choice.

- The recap wants us thinking about: Heather’s partying, as though you could forget.  Also the emotional drams with Daisy.  That’s it.  They;re not even trying to hide what is about to happen. :)

- We open on the ladies packing.  It’s retarded Ed Hardy trucker cap day.

Time to take these fashion nightmares to Vegas.  The ladies walk by their “luggage” like they are just props and head to the limo.  Lear jet time.

- Mawhn-tahge of Red Cuntya drunk off her ass from last year.  Man I miss the more interesting version of this show.  I miss Lacey.  WHAT THE FUCK?

- Fivehead is, once again, worried that Douche thinks she’s too much of a goody two, goody two, goody goody two shoes and she’s determined to prove him wrong.  Again.

- Hard Rock, again.  It’s such a cliche.  Rock stars at the Hard Rock.  Awesome-ometer: 1.

- The ladies get their suite and Fivehead says it’s “full of presents that Bret bought us.” Really?  He went out and shopped for you?  Or do you think that the sponsors grabbed a bunch of swag they always stick in hospitality rooms for celebs and he doesn’t even know what you have?

- Worms makes a big clunky statement about how Daisy is her friend but also her competition.  Gee, I wonder if they will clash?  Gee.  Willikers.

- Poetry time.  The “Awesome Foursome.” FUCK YOU, MICHAELS.  How dare you get me used to your alliterational stylings and then just take them away from me like that!  It’s more than I can bear!  It’s like Heather without a drink in her face: it just ain’t natural.  Fivehead and Worms have some golf outfits to wear and they are off to meet Douche.  Fivehead played varsity golf in high school so this is her time to shine.  Oh and the poem had an awesome in it, so Awesome-ometer: 2

Good lord...Heather decided to “80’s it up a bit” and made them some big hair.  The kicker, of course, is Heather’s confessional: “These girls are so stupid. 80’s hair is so out. Even I know that now.” Looks like 80s Grandma learned something.  :)

She’s fucking with them, and it worked:

Douche seems to like the hair.  He said it reminded him of fond memories.

Like a time before he was a twat.

- Daisy just said she’s hooked up with Bret “like 500 times.” Hombre confessionals that Daisy can sex it up, but “can she form a mental connection with him?” Uhh, yeah, if they write it into the script, Acty McActresser.

- Grandma is going to do some one-on-one grilling.  Muppetface is first.  She tells Heather that she feels no competition, and confessionals that no one can beat her chemistry with Douche.  She sounds EXACTLY like Heather did last year.  Heather says right now none of them are right for Bret.  She so hates Daisy.  Muppetface is younger, prettier and has a better body, and can probably fuck like a bunny.  or at least a guinea pig or something.  Heather needs a garden hose to get her snooch wet and a team of horses to drag the remnants of the last thirteen men who dies up there in the quest for Curly’s Gold. Jealousy is an ugly thing.

- Time to grill Hombre.  Heather doesn’t actually ask any questions though, she starts ranting about Daisy, projecting all the same shit from last week about who Daisy is looking for a sugar daddy, etc.  So far Hombre has said about three words.  Heather tells her to list all Muppetface’s flaws to Bret at dinner.  Heather is still competing by proxy!  Commercial.

- Angel Park Golf Club is the setting for the golf date.  Awesome-ometer: 3.  No!  4!  Confessional “awesome” and another “awesome” to the gold course guy.  That’s so awesome. 

Apparently what makes this golf place special is that it is lit up at night.  How rock & roll.

- Douchebag Michaels is at it again:

Another confessionaled awesome!  Awesome-ometer: 5.  We could be looking at a Category Three Awesome convergence, people.  Get your emergency supplies (condoms, antiviral medications, barf bags) in order, this could be a big storm!

- Montage of golfing.  Fivehead is doing well, Superworms sucks.  Fivehead is using her performance to demand kisses.  Awesome-ometer: 6. See, this is an attempt to up her bad girl cred, only it comes off as sickeningly sweet and goofy.  It’s not helping.  You wanna be a bad girl?  Reach up under your skirt, pull off your panties and stick them down his pants.  Then drop to your knees, unzip his zipper, magically transform yourself into someone who isn’t cross-eyed, doesn’t have a fivehead and is much, much prettier, then...oh fuck it.  It’ll never work.

- Heh.  Destiney starts doing total whore stuff that is not really that far off from the vibe I was just describing.  Douche pretends like he cares.  Awesome-ometer: 7!  At this rate we could be looking at a record-setting number of awesomes, people.  I know, it;s really exciting, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  We’ve got a lot of whores and catfights to get through.  The awesomes will come.

- Date over.  Back to the hotel.  Daisy says something so benign about getting ready for “our date” and we get a confessional from Worms about how it was so rude, etc.  Jesus, who wrote this, McG?  This script has all the subtlety of a Michael Bay film.  They;re making it into a huge deal, and this one tiny stupid thing “makes he think that Daisy wasn’t the friend to me that I thought she was.” What?  What the hell?

- Hombre plans to tell Bret how she feels.  Apparently that means talking about Daisy all night.  The date is at the steakhouse in the hotel.  Douche-fessional: “This is gonna rock. The girls need some meat.” He’s trying *SO* hard.  It’s cute, like when your puppy can’t quite get up the stairs but dog-gone it he’s gonna keep trying!

- Time to grill the ladies - read Muppet - about exes.  He asks her about the two years that they weren’t a couple but still lived together.  Daisy says it’s been two years since she has had sex with *anyone*.  Bret thinks she’s lying.  I’ll be honest, I think she’s lying too.  He essentially calls her a liar.  he keeps asking probing questions trying to get her to talk.  Hoo boy.  Here it comes.  Commercial.

- Back and it’s right back into Daisy on the hot seat.  “You’re leaving out a chunk.” So let’s hear the chunk. 

- She had an abortion.  OK.  Charles hung in there to “make sure I was OK.” Bret douche-fessionals that helps him understand why she’s so close to him.

- Hombre starts in.  “I didn’t realize it was two years...I didn’t realize the lease ran for that long.” She asks her how she makes money.  Muppet’s a stripper.  Hombre confessionals that she;s trying to illustrate the differences between them - Hombre has a stable job, etc?  Really?  Mostly unemployed actress is a stable place in life and a steady job?

- Hombre is trying to be slick. “So you don’t have any debt?” Muppetface responds that of course she does...and she hopes that what Hombre is saying is a good thing and not just to attack her. “Of course, I mean, I feel for you.” LIAR.

Like it matters.

- Cut to: Heather talking to Head and Worms about Daisy.  Destiney is “pissed off” that Daisy says she has no competition.  Oh for fuck’s sake.  Every line Heather utters is so scripted and Destiney’s reactions are so carefully escalating to justify the fight scene later.

WEAK.

So fucking fake.

- Cut to the steakhouse.  They’re bailing on dinner and heading upstairs - obviously on the cue of the producers who informed Douche that Destiney’s method acting was completed and she was ready for the “drunken whore brawl” sequence.  Jessica; “Daisy is acting like a nut.”

- Destiney and Daisy start fighting.  In 30 seconds it goes from casual cattiness to all-out screaming.  Hombre jumps in and starts screaming at Daisy as well.  It escalates.  “Why are you ganging up on me.?” “I’m not.  I’m talking to you.” Yes, you are.

It escalates again.  Hombre is now pissed because Daisy is taking away from her time with Bret. 

Daisy: “Maybe you should have more to talk about with him then”
Ambre; ‘Fuck you.  Fuck you, bitch!”

OUCH!  Struck a nerve, did we?  You’re boring, Ambre, and kind of ugly.  Sorry.

Daisy tries to leave and Hombre follows her in.  “Leave me alone dude.” They all follow in and this is what happens:

That’s bullshit. She threw a full can of beer at her. Daisy blocked it but that’s not the point *at all*.  If I were Daisy I’d call the cops.  Reality script or not that is too far.  Fuck Stripper Grandma and her bullshit.  You can’t hit her back wieh the room is stacked against you.  You have to take the only action you can.  Art of War, bitches.  Superworms would definitely back Heather up, and Hombre *might*.  So you can’t fight...call the cop on that old whorebucket.

- Heather walks out saying “You’re not gonna be with my friend.  I’ll be damned.” Commercial.

- Back.  The beer can is shown again, then John comes in.  Where the fuck has he been?  Wasn’t the implication, and maybe I’m remembering last year and not this pale imitation, but wasn’t it implied that he was sort of general “keeping shit together” security man as well as Bret’s pimp and manservant?  Seems to me he should be watching this shit on monitors at least when he hears voices raised - or gets alerted to the argument by a PA - and when the violence starts he should be in there like stink on a monkey.

If this wasn’t a script that is…

- John brings them to Bret’s “rockin’ suite.” This is a commercial for the hotel.  The ladies are pretending that nothing is wrong while Douche does his infomercial.  They’re playing blackjack.  Worms is trying to start the argument again.  And away we go.  It’s like a trailer park exploded in here.  Superworms gets physical and Bret calls John in.

Heather goes off on her again.

Doh. 

What’s weird is, this isn’t actually very entertaining to me for some reason.  It’s coming off a *so* utterly manufactured that I feel like they’re cutting wrestling promos.  That;s exactly why I am so disconnected from this episode: It’s not even badly written reality TV.  It;s poorly ad-libbed pro wrestling storylines...and let;s face it, the reason you watch wrestling isn’t the writing.  It;s the guys in tiny shorts.

What, that’s just me?  Fine.  Liars. But whatever.

A long time ago in TNA, there were these two “dumb” characters.  One day they did this skit about who silly some of the conflicts are in wrestling, but these tow were acting like the dumb stuff was gospel and a set of rules they were actually supposed to follow.  One of these “rules” was that you could get into a huge dramatic fight with someone and challenge them to a match just because you bumped into them in the hall.  So they went off looking for people to bump into.

That’s Daisy and Destiney today.  Destiney was told to go bump into Daisy and challenge her to a match, and the person who told her to do it is the “disinterested third party” who is really the force behind it all.  In this case that is Heather.

Anyway...everyone’s all yelling at each other.

- Daisy: “My uncle is Oscar de la Hoya.  If I wanted a way out I would have fucking called him.” That’s a good point.

- Heather gets directly in Daisy;s face and they start screaming.  They seem about eleven microseconds from blows.  Bret walks in and cuts it off. “You’re ruining my night.” He’s kind of pointing his anger at Heather, looking right at her when he says ‘I’m fuckin’ done.” Good.  Maybe he watched the tape of her assaulting Daisy?  Maybe he’s going off script and sees this is going too far?  Bret pulls Daisy into his room.

- He tells Daisy that her story isn’t unfolding fast enough, and there are holes in it.  He asks her if she’s here for the right reasons, and she breaks down into his arms and douche-fessionals that he believes her.  He tells her that the only thing that matters is what they feel about each other, she;s feeling better and she leaves the room.

I wonder if Heather is going to cool it, so as not to jeopardize her ownership of the Vegas franchise of the Bret Michaels On-The-Road Pussy Palace.

- Hombre is “so over it.” OK.  Whatever. 

- Cut to; the morning.  WOAH.

That is some rough rough business early in the A.M.  She “feels so bad” that she upset Bret.  Same shit, different season.  I think it was Sturgess last year who felt bad for disrespecting Bret or whatever.

- Douche - wearing the uniform of all douches everywhere, an Affliction shirt - has Heather come in to talk to about eliminations.  He “likes” Hombre.  sure.  The script says you do.  He’s not sure Jessica can “handle my lifestyle.” He’s concerned with Destiney’s anger issues and physical violence.  So maybe he doesn’t know that grandma here was the one to get that ball rolling.  They don’t talk about Daisy at all and he tells Heather that he has to do this alone, she’s too big an entity and she is getting in the way.

That was the easy let-down version of “You’re harshing my blowjob action, stupid!  I already have a wife, i don’t need a Vegas wife!” Heather goes back to the club, or the gutter, or wherever it is that she keeps herself when not servicing Douche.

- Douche is going to spend one-on-one time with Fivehead and Muppetface, because there are “unanswered questions” he needs to “get to the bottom of this.” So...he’s gonna ask Daisy what happened and then see if Jessica backs up her version maybe?

- Fivehead meets him in the suite’s bowling alley.  She’s wearing another god-damned Ed Hardy shirt.  Fuck those clothes are ugly.  They talk about her innocence *again*.  Something about his world of hurt.  Who is he, Trent Reznor all of a sudden?

- Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Look at me!  Look at how important I am!  Is your pussy wet yet?  Who wants to do some sex right here on this stage with me?!?  Douche.  bag.  have I mentions that Bret Michaels is a douchebag?  I have?  Oh.  Sorry.

- He asks her that if there’s anything else she needs to tell him, now’s the time.  Great.  she;s totally going to make me wish I wasn’t on her side now isn’t she? 

Oh shit.  She just sealed her fate.  She’s doomed.

You’re done.  Ambre is going to be the winner.  No *fucking* way will Bret take CC’s castoffs.  Rikki and Bret are so, SO, SO competitive when it comes to women.  You fuck one, you are off the list for the other one, and if CC gets you first, that taints you for both of them.  It extends to non-sexual conquests as well; you can’t be too close to any one of them and expect to be close to the rest of the band.

It’s childish high school crap, but fairly common in rock bands.  She’s so done.  Watch his face at the end of that clip.  She’s all sorts of done.  Not this week, but she’s never going to win now. 

- She says there was never a physical relationship with CC.

Douche is definitely floored by all this.  “I just can’t seem to get to the bottom of the barrel.” Ouch.  Now she’s crying again.  She says she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t tell him the truth.  true, but you might not have been so damned if you had spilled the beans like...earlier?  Commercial.

- Elimination time.  They’re going to some club in the hotel for the event.  Elimination-fessionals: Fivehead says Worms is going home.  Worms thinks the same thing.  Hombre thinks that she’s safe and Daisy needs to leave.  Muppetface is sobbing and barely coherent and sobs that this is gonna suck.

Muppetface!

- I’m sticking with my prediction: Destiney is out.

- First pass goes to: Daisy.  Some kind of vote of confidence.  She confessionals that she wants to tell him that she loves him.  Donna thinks that he probably called CC, as CC remembers *everyone* when he’s not high.  He must have confirmed Daisy’s story and so this is a vote of confidence.  Maybe she could still win?  He tells her he hopes that the secrets are over.

Worms is pissed.  Douche-fessional: “I am fallin’ in love with this girl, craziness and all.  She may just damn well be the girl for me.”

- Next pass goes to: Hombre.  She’s crying too.  Available for all dramatic roles, people, keep that in mind!

Destiney and Jessica are left.  Both women that Bret has used that “stay in this house and wear that dress” line to, by the way.  They are both also crying. 

- He tells Jessica that she’s real, young, etc.  He also fears that innocence and youth.  He tells Destiney that her quick temper would be a problem with his fans.  A girl would say the wrong thing and Worms would go off, and he;d lose a fan and get sued.  Yeah, that;s exactly what would happen.

- Pass goes to: Commercial.  Douche-fessional: “I have the pass in my hand and both girls are just breakin’ down and this is killin me.” CUE SUPER DRAMATIC FOX-STYLE REALITY MUSIC!  OH MY GOD!  THERE’S ONLY NINE SECONDS LEFT TO SAVE THE PRESIDENT!  CTU HAS CALLED IN BRET MICHAELS, CRACK SUPERAGENT TO DIFFUSE THE BOMB!  CAN HE DO IT?  WILL HE INFECT IT WITH AN STD OR USE TRADITIONAL TOOLS TO DISARM IT? 

“WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME! , I HAVE TO HAVE THOSE CODES!  TELL ME WHAT THE CODES ARE!” Then he slaps the bad guy with his straw American Outlaw hat.  Bret Michaels is Jack Bauer!

- We’re back with another dramatic Ambre confessional.  “I am thinkin’ (HUGE ARM MOVEMENTS) Who is goin’ home?” Oh for fuck/////she’s a bad actress.

- Destiney gets called down.  Did I mention that Douche is wearing 98234789058234 gallons of eyeliner?  He asks her if she can handle her temper, and when she says yes, he gives her the pass.  Aww!  I was all sorts of wrong.  Wormface gets to stay.

Aww!  A tear rolls down the heavily made-up face of rock & roll’s greatest living Lothario.  He’s sex on wheels, ladies, and not afraid to be sensitive either.  He tells Fivehead that he feels that his lifestyle would destroy any relationship they could have.  Douche-fessional that she needs to find a young soul like her own.

Poor kid.  Hopefully she gets to take all that terrible Ed Hardy clothing home.

- Beer time.  They all confessional about they feel for him and whatever.  We’re OUTTA HERE!

Scenes from the next; Parents.  And he takes another one to the tattoo parlor.  Oh!  And Ambre is 37, she lied about her age.  Bret pretends it matters.  In the second “Scenes” montage we see Destiney’s new tat:

That’s actually not a bad thing.  I mean, eliminated or not, this si a monumental event in her life, and part of the tradition of ink is to mark life-altering times and moments.  I have no problem with this at all.  If it was his name again...that would be one thing, but this seems like a somewhat reasoned ink decision.

You know what pissed me off?  After I cautioned you all to not get excited about the amazing level of “awesomes” coming out of Dbag’s mouth, he stopped saying the word.  Jerk.  I hope his cock turns green.  Greener anyway.

See your monkey asses next week, bitches.

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- Quick note: you folks know I embed jokes in the alt tags for the pics, right?  Have been for a few weeks.  If the captions cut off in Firefox instead of wrapping (and they do and it is annoying) just install the IE Tab extension and use that to view the RoL posts.  It works a treat.

The lovely ladies that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- And we begin with the recap.  Bye bye Kristy Joe’s titties!  We loved you.  Your owner was a bit of a nightmare, but we loved you.  Here’s splooge in your eye.  Ladies, you are ALL second place finishers.

The recap is weird, like we’ve never met these people before.  It’s like they expect a whole slew of new viewers, which may not actually be wrong.  This show, while the worst, most horrible and debasing thing in all of reality TV - so horrible I can’t believe that Fox isn’t airing it - gets monster ratings for VH1.

- The sun rises on Whoretown.  BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Shiny face, mandanna, no makeup.  WASH YOUR FACE, JOHN.  Clean skin is healthy skin.  He brings them the note.

As you know I’ve been here before,
This time is special and I want to be sure.
There’s still so much I need to know,
Be honest with me and we can only grow.
Right now my heart is a little sore,
because after tonight there will only be four.

Love, Bret.

His heart is sore because the script called for him to want he really wanted the crazy bitch and she dumped him.  Consider yourselves leftover sushi, ladies.  Not the worst thing a person can eat, but it’s never as good as when it’s fresh.

Plus I think all your vaginas smell like fish.  Not because all women do or anything.  You Rock of Love ladies specifically.  Because you don’t wash them.

- They all gather by the door and Douche gives a speech about how he needs today.  He douche-fessionals that they are the “Sexy Five.” WHAT THE EFFFFFFF?  That is not alliteration!  No “Foxy” five?  Or “Fantastic” five?  or “Fucking Fartsucker” five?  I feel cheated and I want my money back.

Oh, and the exes show up.  Superworms was once married to someone in The Little River Band

-

And fulfilling a request...Hombre and her “Please insert any passing penises into my face orifice” look number 1:

- Fivehead once dated a member of Fall Out Boy:

and he treated her like crap apparently.

- Chazz once dated the love child of Joe Rogan & Steve-O:

- Hombre gets her best friend, also named Adam.  Adam looks like he once starred in a series of 80s teen comedies that were modeled after John Hughes films, but directed by Eastern Bloc directors expressly for use in the Ukrainian market.

Apparently none of Ambre’s exes would come.  She’s thrilled.  And over-acting her reactions, by the way.

- Muppetface is next.  We’ve seen her douche already.  Charles.  Glen Danzig forcibly inseminated Nikki Sixx and the resulting infant was raised by gypsies.

Charles is not a very rock & roll name, I’m sorry.  The relationship between Charles and Daisy has been on again/off again for forever.

- Stripper ShowMyTits shows up.  TIME TO GET ‘EM OUT LADIES.  No sense in fighting the inevitable.  Two of you will make out with her, one of you will flash the room at her behest and one of you will get called a bitch or a cunt. Or both.  Just give over.  You can’t fight City Hall Grandma Boozehound.

- Douche says that he and Grandma have become close friends and she is gonna help him pick someone to eliminate.  They break for dirt gathering and one-on-one douchery. 

- DRAMAS!  Muppetface has a secret she hasn’t told Bret about Charles.

Possible secrets about Charles that Daisy hasn’t told Bret:

1. Charles jerked off to the part of the Pam & Bret sex tape where Bret was alone and adjusting the camera, and that’s why Daisy broke up with him
2. Charles is a very, very buff woman.
3. Charles is legally retarded, and only sixteen.
4. Charles once killed a man because that man called his flame tattoos “gay.”
5. That’s not eyeliner.  Charles is half raccoon.

Commercial.

- We’re back and it’s motherfucking whorebag partytime!  Tequila shots off titties, getting the girls to strip...it’s a cliche.  I mean, if there were a movie about these people, this would be the part where the party one comes in and there’s a mawh-tahge of “wild” partying.  Unless she starts fucking one of these girls with a (sponsored) glass dildo and the camera manages to capture the company logo whilst still managing to bluer the penetration, is anything they’re doing really that “wild” or unexpected?

If you’re in the market for a glass dildo, by the way, you can do worse than Phallix.  Just passing that along.

- Cut to: The men go to a cigar club...Sponsor time: Brand Cigar Club.  That website is a master of design and technology implementation.  By which I mean it doesn’t work in Firefox or IE.  Call be, Brand guys.  I’ll set something up for you.

By the way, for those keeping score on the misogyny meter; Ladies stay home diddling each other in bikinis while the men go to the club to sip brandy and smoke cigars.  Nice.  Classy.

- No one wants to try a cigar.  Great.  This was a well-thought-out sponsorship.  Good planning, VH1!

- Ambre’s Adam tries to sell the idea that Hombre is “so sincere.” For fuck’s sake.  SHE’S A WANNABE ACTRESS!  No one believes anything she says.  Every word that comes out of her mouth feels crafted, like she’s been working on just the right emotional note.  Fakity fake fake fake.  Also, the best friend is dying to sleep with her.  She knows that and uses this guy for *everything*.  I bet she gets him to help her move, calls him when her car won’t start, she makes him come over and run lines when she has an audition.  Once, in college, she gave him a handjob but now refuses to even acknowledge that ever happened.  He masturbates to pictures of her from her website.

I’m just saying.

- Switching to Jessica...Casey tells Douche that Fivehead is sweet but he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.  Also, Casey is about 13, and wholly intimidated by Bret and/or these cameras.

OH MY GOD.  OH FUCKING HELL...just watch:

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ZEN HANDGESTURE SHIT?  Why?  why does he make me hate him so much?  My soul aches to punch him in the face.  I sit here seething with animosity, longing to reach my hand out across time and space and slap the pancake off his jowly visage.  If I could just kick Bret Michaels once, REALLY hard, in the junk, I think i could die happy.  he’s acting like he’s delivering some universal truth about God and the universe, when really what he’s doing is making sure that if there’s someone reading this blog who wasn’t aware, now they will be certain of the fact that BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG!

Moving on.

- Josh is talking about Chazz and basically tells Douche that Megan will use you to get what she wants.  Also, water is wet.  Douche had no idea Chazz was on Beauty & The Geek.  No PA or grip or anyone told him?  Really?  Really?  I find that hard to believe.  Sort of like Bret’s acting.

- Cut to the house.  The ladies have all changed into swimsuits.  Heather is out by the pool with Chazz and Fivehead, who, by the way, has a square ass.

- Heather: “Who do you guys hate here?” Answer: Superworms.  They call her a groupie.  Chazz tells Grandma that she was on another reality show.  The other two show up and they all go sit by the pool to dish.  Heather zeros in on Superworms, who admits her favorite bands are all 80s hair nostalgia acts, and that she just saw Poison not too long ago.

Hoo boy.

Superworms admits that she dated the drummer of Nikki Sixx’s side band Brides of Destruction.  Oh yeah.  Everyone dates drummers...*cough* She was so hoping to leapfrog into Nikki’s bedroom.  Unfortunately for her, he’s currently fucking the tattooed Nazi, so...sorry, Superworms.  maybe you could date the drummer for Charles’ band.  Because you know he’s in one.

- Truth or Dare time.  I *think* Heather just asked Jessica if she’s ever been fucked in the ass, but it’s so bleeped I can’t be sure.  Is that wild?  I mean, I think it would have been outrageous in like, 1963, but...is it really like “rock star” wild?  This is VH1, a network that caters to the tastes of whoever was 20 twenty years ago.  So that’s like...me.  Didn’t we all grow up with this idea as a fairly normal part of sex that you could take or leave?

They’re really pushing this “wild child” meme.

- Destiney gets dared to take off all her clothes and cartwheel on the lawn.  Wow.  WILD.

- Cut to the cigar club.  OK, I’m ragging on the ladies but given a choice, OBVIOUSLY I would pick hanging out with them over hanging out with this dead group of boring fucks.  I’ve been to funerals that were more fun.

- Talking about Destiney...she likes to party, concerts etc.  Douche: “My fear, as a guy and being in a band and seeing all the things that happen, I don’t wanna ever have a fear that if I let her go to a concert, the only thing she’s looking for is a backstage pass.”

Where to start.  If he “let her” go?  What the fuck?  Oh yeah, women aren’t people, they’re wholly owned accessories.  Also, why wouldn’t Bret hook her up with any band she wanted to see?  It;s not like she wants passes for Barbra Streisand.  She;s want to see Crue, Great White, etc.  Bret knows or tours with or has toured with all those guys.  So she gets a pass through him and everyone knows she;s hands off.  Why would he leave her to fend for herself to get a pass?

Douche.  Bag.  Douchefessional: Superworms might be an uber-groupie.

- Switch to talking about Muppetface and Nikki Danzig.  She was in his band. He says that he just wants to see her happy.  Douche thinks they are still sleeping together.  Time to leave the crypt cigar bar and go get these idiots drunk and talkative.

- Back to the manse, yo.  The ladies are talking about who is the worst for Bret.  Megan throws Jessica under the bus - Oh crap Jessica just said those exact words.  It’s hard to put this, but Megan’s whole demeanor during this segment is different.  More together.  More intelligent.  More...there.  Makes me wonder if the whole ditz thing isn’t just an act.

- Fivehead starts chugging booze and crying.  DRAMAS!  Stripper Grandma takes her inside to dish.  Jessica throws everyone in the house under the bus.  Oh noes!  She’s the wrong motherfucka to eff wivf!  Commercial.

- We’re back and Stripper Grandma is digging in the dirt.  Lo and behold, she manages to find the places Daisy got hurt.

See what I did there?

- Muppetface starts a-bawlin and a’snufflin’ over her ex.  Will we get the big secret?  I think it’s something stupid like she slept with him the night before she came into the house.  Uh oh.  She wanders through the house to find Grandma, who was hanging by the front door (?) with Worms.  Off they go, and it’s secret time!

- We’re up close and personal with heather and Daisy. 

The dramas and tensions!  Oh me oh my.  OK, they live together in a one bedroom apartment.  Her excuse is they have a lease.  Donna: “Remember how she never ganged up on KayJay?” Yeah, that makes a lot more sense now.

That’s a pretty lame secret.  She says that she hasn’t slept with Chico Douche-driguez in “like two years, okay?” Superworms is listening in on the whole thing.  Guess who’s running to Bret with the story?  Hey, that kind of shit made Heather Bret’s Southeast Regional Fuckbuddy.  Maybe Superworms can parlay her nosiness into the Los Angeles franchise.

- Heather tries to get her to admit that she’s here to get Bret to whisk her away from her terrible situation.  To be honest I totally understand what Daisy is doing here.  She probably can’t afford to rent a separate place and her name is on a long-term lease.  Fuck she s’posed to do, sell her cooch-hole for money like Heather?  So they’re roomies.  She actually seems like she’s being honest.  Heather is trying to put the worst spin on it she can...or she’s filtering it through her own sugardaddy/pimp issues.

- StripperShowMyTits pulls Megan into the bathroom, and Worms jumps in too.  They all start dishing on Daisy.  Man, I gotta tell you, she’s a conniving bitch, and she’s probably dumb as the day is long, and she’s got a weird scrunchy face, but Megan’s ass is *the bomb*.

Is “the bomb” a good thing for an ass to be?  Kinda makes it sound like it has explosive diarrhea.  I’m saying the girl has a sweet turdcutter is all.

Pa-doww.

- Cut to the guys, eating at Dave & Busters.  So upscale.  Bret does a fucking commercial for them.

- Adam flips the script and asks how Bret convinces the women that he’s sincere.  Kudos to Adam for asking, but the answer is he doesn’t.  Because he isn’t.  Because he doesn’t have to be.

Douche basically doublespeaks his way through it by babbling about how hard it is to date three women on the same date, using the same lines and how they say “Didn’t you just say that to me?” Which is the long way of saying he isn’t sincere at all.  Because he doesn’t have to be.  Rock star = cock sucked, regardless of what horrible douchiness you put forth.

- Douche Senior takes Chico Douche-driguez off to talk about Muppetface.  Bret might be in shape, but gravity is *fucking* with his face:

Dizz-amn.

They talk about the situation between Muppet and Junior Douche. Only they don’t actually say anything.  It’s literally 60 seconds of nothing being answered.  Guy date over.

- Back to the drama.  Fivehead is starting to sob about how she;s not that sweet innocent girl.  She’s babbling about how Chazz is someone she would pinky swear with.  Pinky swear?  Man, booze does funny shit to people.  Chazz-fessional: This isn’t kindergarten.  There’s no pinky swearing.”

Jessica goes ranting around the house.  She’s effed the fuck up and keeps drinking *hard*.  Now she’s sobbing.

Chazz is being human and trying to stop her, but Fivehead is determined to out-badgirl the badgirls.  Heather is such a bad influence.  OK, they are wrestling her onto the couch, she’s stumbling around.  OK, in all seriousness, she looks glazed and sick.  Not in a funny way, in a “she might need medical attention” sort of way.

That kind of looks more serious than funny.  But hey, fuck it, it’s not like these are actual humans or anything.  Right VH1?

- Douche comes home.  How the fuck did I not realize that the foyer carpet was GOD-DAMNED LEOPARD? Oh my GOD these people have zero taste.  He wants his girls, but they’re a little busy.  Jessica is horkin’ again.  Then it gets back to funny:

She’s sobbing and confessing her love for him and he’s making a big show of “taking care” of her.  Oh fuck you.  Without cameras present you’d be shoving her off onto Big John and you know it.  Oh and he told her “I love you too.” I don’t think it;s true, because Jessica’s face is not a mirror.

- Cut to Daisy & Charles.  She wants to know what Douche asked.  he won’t say.  OK, here’s the deal with Charles: He totally and completely wants his Daisy back.  he has kept her trapped in that apartment so he can try to get her back, and when they called him for this, he saw his chance to sabotage her thing with Douche.  I’m telling you.  Nikki Danzig loves Muppetface.  he wants to put his hand up her and...well, that’s it really, I mean getting to stick your hand up a woman is sort of the goal in and of itself sometimes, isn;t it.

[Bela]PULL DA STRING-UH![/Bela]

- Big John comes to get Old Grandma Stripcore so she can “download him” to Bret.  Apparently that is Douchespeak for “Tell him what she’s learned.” Commercial.

- Douche and his evil, aged sidekick start deliberating.  They decide to begin with Fivehead.  Douche has a clipboard.  This is serious.  He decides that she may be too young for him.  You mean they make women that are too young for you, Bret?  I figured that you fuck ‘em from fifty to fetus.

- Next they discuss Chazz.  They talk about how she’s an opportunist.  Douche has an insight; Megan’s face never changes expression.  It doesn’t, because she has no human emotion other than greed.  Grandma: “Upside of Megan is, great rack.” Without a split second hesitation Douche replies “Cool.” Good lord Heather and Bret are like two gonorrheas-riddled peas in a pod.

- Cut to Steve-O Rogan (Josh) talking to Chazz (his ex).  She calls him out for wearing the shirt from his bar.  Isn’t that like the opportunistic whore calling the gold-digging bitch a slut?  or something?  I actually think it was brilliant of him to wear this shirt:

The thing is, why the hell shouldn’t he promote his bar?  half the cast last year came from Chicago.  RoL is big there.  Plus, the shirt reads REALLY well on camera.  And lastly, of course, her criticizing this is the height of hypocrisy.  She’s really pissed because he’s the male version of her, and she knows that he’ll tank her chances of staying on the show just to do it, because he’s an empty-headed Himbo who revels in being a mancunt to people.

“Mancunt?” Is that just a stupid, slightly-more-filthy way to say “asshole?” Sometimes I amaze disappoint myself with the creative cursing.

- Oh my god, she’s crying!  She almost changed her expression!  Turns out she’s still in wuvs wif her widdle joshy-woshy.  She thought he was here to fight for her or which her away or some shit...but he just told her he’s only here to promote the bar.

Ouch.  Couldn’t happen to a nicer girl, I tells ya.

- Hombre takes her into the kitchen to talk.  Chazz starts sobbing that “I wanted him to be my boyfriend so badly and he refused to!” Uh oh.  He saw the gold-digger back then.  Doh.  Hombre is gonna run and tell, of course.

- Back to the huddle between Grandma and Grandpa.  They’re talking about Hombre next. Heather likes her, but thinks Ambre wouldn’t last on the tour bus with, and I *think* she said “tits and dick all over the place.” Destiney is next.  Summation: groupie.  Last is Daisy.  Heather drops the living situation on him.  He gets that look on his face.  The one he gets when he’s really mad about something.

Then Heather sucked his dick and left.  I mean they didn’t show that, but...what are we. stupid?

- Cut to Douche sitting down with Muppetface and JuniorDouche to get to the truth.  he calls Daisy out for not telling him about Charles.  Daisy says “Our physical relationship has been (waves her hand at the fllor) for a long, long time.” At that moment you see Charles look away in disgust.  Well, disgust mixed with a little longing and some pain at what Daisy just said.  That dude wants his Muppet back. no. Doubt. About it.

Here’s the thing about Daisy, as I see it: She is trapped.  Maybe she likes the band she’s is in - or was in - with Charles, and doesn’t want to ruin that.  Or maybe she likes being his friend but the band sucks.  Either or.  Plus she is financially trapped.  Most people can’t afford to pay for two places to live.  Maybe they have a lease that doesn’t allow sublets.  So she’s trapped in her living situation.  plus I think she is burying what feelings she does have for Charles...she *wants* to be free relationship-wise but she’s stuck.

Heather is trying to paint Daisy as a gold-digger looking for a sugar daddy.  That was What heather did, but I don’t see it as what Daisy is doing.  I think Daisy is drowning, and while she would grab onto anyone’s life preserver, she REALLY wants it to be Bret’s.  He has all the qualities - however shitty they may be - that she looks for in a douchepartner.  I think she likes the drama, the lifestyle, and quite frankly the abusive objectification.  She likes being manipulated.  OK, maybe not likes, but she’s familiar with it and feels comfortable in that world...and so she has fallen for Douchebag Michaels.

Anyway, Douche tells Charles that Daisy might be his “rock of love.” Bret asks is Charles would be cool if Bret picked her.  Charles repeats the question, but unless he’s a master at body language and knew precisely what he was doing...I kind of think he told the truth.

Maybe because he knows it can only end badly and he can be there to pick up the pieces when Bret finally screws her over?  That;s a pretty safe bet if you;re a gambling man.  she looked TERRIFIED that Charles might say he wouldn’t be cool with it.  I think she really likes this d-bag.

RUN, DAISY, RUN!

- Cut to interior, booze bottles and Fivehead.  She can’t remember anything.

- Cut to; something.  Douche is thanking the exes for coming to the house.  He starts to leave to get ready for elims...Hombre slips out right behind him.  Time to drop a dime on Megan!  She tells him that Chazz was bawling about Steve-O Rogan, and Douche thanks her for the info. 

- Douche tells John to go get Megan.  Holy crap that was the first “awesome” of the show!  Awesome-ometer: 1.

Megan is so fucking out of here.  He’s got that look again, and Bret is like a goldfish; one thought, not for very long.  Since Megan is the last one he’s dealing with, she will be the one to get cut.  Donan says that the fact that she’s a gold-digger is also a red flag for him.  I agree.  he’s pissed and wants answers This is how he gets them, apparently:

What a dick.  If you think she’s a lying, gold-digging whore, why are you making out with her?  I know he doesn’t have any respect for anyone else, but doesn’t this man have any self-respect?  For fuck’s sake.  If you have any self-respect, you stop her at the first sign and you say ‘hey we have to talk.” For fucking fuck’s sake.  he probably thinks this makes him look cool, that he can pull this shit and she doesn’t even know he’s potentially upset with her, but it just makes him look sad.

- Megan lies her ass off and says that Ambre has her confused with someone else.  he OBVIOUSLY doesn’t believe her, but…

Fuck it.  she’s a whore, I suppose it’s to be expected.  When in Whoretown, do as the whores do.

- Time to get ready for eliminations.  Commercial.

- Elimination time!  It’s like a fucking stripper’s funeral in here again:

- Chick-fessionals; Worms is talking about Jessica.  Daisy hopes Bret lover her as much as she loves him - and is a sobbing mess.  Jessica is all “Fuck the haters, I rallied tonight.” OK.  Hombre is confident because she’s not a stripper, didn’t puke and doesn’t shack up with her ex.  But, she looks 50 in this light, so…

- Douche strolls in.  Strolls.  That’s he only world for the sauntering, “my cock is eleven feet long” swagger that he just displayed.  He strolls in holding hands with heather, who is wearing some kind of ballroom-cum-stripper zebra print monstrosity.  Also, like I need to say it; GUYLINER.

- First pass goes to: Hombre, BECAUSE REMEMBER SHE WAS ALMOST ELIMINATED AND OH MY WOULDN’T IT BE WEIRD IF SHE WON?!?!?!?

- Second pass goes to Wormface.  He uses that “wear that dress” line again.  So he couldn’t give a figgy fuck for Destiney.

- Megan is smelling cheese again.

- Next pass goes to Daisy, and he asks her to be honest with him.  She’s super extra relieved.  Bret: “No more bullshit...like, no more.” Muppet-fessional - “There’s some...other stuff...” Oh fuck.  Uhh, she used to be a man.  She once slept with her uncle.  She once blew a baby in a bus station on a dare.  She fucks dogs for money in a Mexican porn theater.  WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU HAVE TO TELL US, YOU FUCK!??  I just defended you, Daisy, don’t make me regret it.

- One pass, Megan and Jessica.  Bye bye, Megan.  I swear, the look on her face at eliminations, it’s the only time her expression changes.  It’s like things happen that confuse her, so her brain interprets them as intellectual farts and makes her face act like she’s smelling a fat Irish dude for the three days following St. Patty’s.

Douche breaks it down.  2 “beautiful” girls, one pass.  Commercial.

- Back.  Fivehead thinks she’s out.  Hombre confessionals that Megan should go home.  Cheese-face is at it again.

I have seen monkeys staring at knotted balls of rope who look less confused.  How does she remember what to do with air?  I imagine she needs someone to remind her that it goes in her lungs, not her ass.

- Jessica gets called down.  He thinks she’s here for the right reasons.  She gets the pass.

- Bret calls Megan down.  The confusion gets so, so, so much funnier.

Why does she just keep shaking her head?

Ambre’s reaction is retarded, but funny in a “Look !  I want to suck on anything that may fly by my face,” totally over-acting sort of way

- Douche walks Megan out.  Megan claims that she really had feelings.  He asked her for a kiss and miracle of miracles, she refused and said ‘It’s not for real.” Wow.  One moment of humanity...and it wasn’t from him.

Hang on a second.  I need a minute.  Why did she keep shaking her head? I take back the thing about her ditz thing being an act.  She’s actually that dumb.  Good luck on your next reality show, Chazz.

- Next week they go to Vegas.  Heather will be joining them.  Guess she gives awesome bjs.  And with that declaration, it’s Bret’s Brew time.

Scenes from the next: Lear jet.  Hard Rock.  Heather is trying to stir the shit in a big, start-a-fistfight way.  Time for the gangbang on Daisy!  Fight!  Fight!  In the second “Scenes” Daisy gets slapped.  Dizz-amn.

I’ll see you Lovers next week, if my soul can recover in time… ;)

Less

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- I promise, more funny less angry this week.

- We start with a recap: Talent show, the blowup gangbang on KayJay with a special focus on Hombre’s betrayal.

- Prediction: KayJay is so fucking out of here tonight.  Donna sealed the prediction with this: “Next week he goes to meet their exes, and you can’t do that with Kristy Joe.” Yeah, that’s true.  All her exes are mental, or she has restraining orders, or like, she’s still married to them.  “Bret, this is my husband Tiny, he’s currently out on bail.  This is Rocko, he’s missing an ear from a barfight so you’ll have to speak up, and the one standing across the street is Mickey, he can’t come over here to say hello due to the restraining order, but I brought you this megaphone so you can yell shit at him.”

Oh man, that would be such awesome television.  It’s gonna suck when she gets eliminated.

- Morning in Whoreville, and the ladies are working out.  Basically they stuffed a bunch of gym equipment into a bedroom.  I imagine at this stage it smells like a combination of Whoopie Goldberg after a marathon and my cat’s ass when she gets scared.  I pity the poor intern that has to sanitize the bike seat.

- Everyone’s all torqued out over the big blowup.  KayJay decides to call hubby number 2 and “deal with it.”

I’m confused, and I’m not the only one.  She’s babbling about things “coming up” in a fairly non-sensical manner, and hubby says “So are we going through with the divorce?” Err...was it an option to not go through with it?  If Bret dumped her was she gonna run home to Restraining Order Man and throw herself on his cock mercy?

“I haven’t talked to you in weeks, and the first call I get from you is telling me you want to divorce me.” Wow.  She kept him hanging on just in case.  Pussy is some powerful shit, people.

Oh, and this kinda means she is exactly the bitch they’ve all been accusing her of being.  Doesn’t mean that the show isn’t using her obvious emotional issues against her and manipulating shit, but it’s hard to feel sorry for her when you see a segment like that.

- Douche never disappoints, I swear.

I don’t know what part is more laughable!  Is it the guyliner/mandanna combo in the douche-fessional, they “Look, I have a giant cock car” driving or the really, really bad “humor” on display?  Six of one, half dozen of the other I suppose.

- Big John calls everyone in.  BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: No bandanna, slicked-back hair, no guyliner.  It’s almost a normal look.  The lyricnotepoemcrap starts with naming them the Sexy Six, which is so freaking original...he tells them to use his lyrics as a guide.

KayJay wants to talk to Douche, but he;s out cruising in his penismobile, with the top down and a mandanna firmly affixed.  I KNOW YOU HAVE A FERARRI, BRET.  Just wanted to make it clear that I know.

So KayJay getting cry-y and drama’d up that she can’t find him.  Enter Actress Number Two from stage left.  Hombre/KayJay confro, y’all.

- Hombre is trying to tell her to keep it together, and KayJay told her about the hubby call.  “You did that on the phone?” Yep.  She did.  “I guess I’m surprised because I thought you already did it.” Yep.  me too.  I assume everyone thought that, since KayJay really, really sold that idea...although she never actually *stated* it.  Hombre asks if KayJay is now open to Bret since she “released” her husband.  The answer is yes. And KayJay wants to tell him but she can’t find him.

Yeah.  That.

Hombre to KayJay: “No fucking wonder Bret doesn’t trust you.” Yeah.  That.  Commercial.

- Back.  Another Big John gathering of the ladies for the Douche.  Awesome-ometer; 1.  Today is “Shoot a video for my shit-tastic solo music and argue a lot while you do it but we’re shooting it in high def just in case one of you looks super hot, that way I can use the raw footage later to add to the real video for whatever horrible song I got VH1 to agree to air as part of the package for me doing this show again, ever though all this young pussy is kind of awesome and payment enough.  I’m Bret Michaels and I approve this douchery.” day.

- The two songs they have to make videos for “Go That Far” and “Fallen.”

Dude!  Johnny Reznik called and wants his hair back.  Dean, if you don’t know, is one of the better music directors out there.  Manson’s “Sweet Dreams” cover is a fucked-up video, and no matter how you feel about Manson or the cover, that vid stays with you.  He also did a bunch of other good videos.  Not sure why he’s doing this show, but VH1 gets everyone in the end.

- Two teams.  Each team gets a creative director who gets the solo date tonight, and the other two get an “awesome” date with Douche.  Awesome-ometer; 2.  Hombre wants to direct.  3 hours to do it.  Team 1; Fivehead, Superworms and Muppetface, Team 2 is KayJay, Hombre and Chazz.

- Hombre leads her team, but Daisy gave it up to Destiney...odd.  Why would she be so excited about this and obviously want a solo date so badly, but let Superworms take the reigns?  Oh wait...so they can have some infighting and bitchiness after KayJay leaves...this is setting up Destiney Hates Daisy.

Awesome-ometer; 3.

- Team 1 gets to do “Go That Far”

Oh.  My.  God.  He just re-used the Rock of Love theme.  Or re-used this song for the RoL theme.  Why would he make it so obvious and use it in the show?  It just comes off as SO fucking lame.

- Team 2 gets “Fallen.”

One day rockers are going to have to realize that Home Sweet Home was the absolute pinnacle of “We’re on the road and touring sucks” songs and videos.  IT’S OVER.  YOU WON’T EVER DO IT THAT GOOD AGAIN.  before that Bob Seger owned the title with the live version of “Turn The Page.” Crue came in and took that shit.  They own it now, it belongs to them.  Stop trying.

We don’t fucking care how hard it is on the road, gentlemen.  If it’s so fucking hard, stay home and have sex with your insanely hot wives and/or girlfriends, drive your insanely expensive cars and eat at insanely expensive restaurants.  Just stop fucking whining about it already.

- Apparently Destiney has “done music videos” before according to Fivehead.  Nothing I can find under either of her names (Destiney Moore or Destiney Sue Walker) but she has been in a couple of films, most recently ”Georgia Rule.”

- Montage of the process.  Oh shock and surprise, Muppetface and Superworms are clashing. 

Jesus, she really looks like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Meanwhile, Hombre has KayJay crying and laying in bed for the video. Chazz-fessional: “That’s the same thing she does every day.” Hey, work with what you know.

- Cut to Daisy running the camera.  Nice outfit.  Conducive to being a camera operator.  ;) Also note Dean’s attentiveness.  It looks like one of those scenes where the guy is trying to teach the girl to play pool in a cheesy porno, or nighttime soap.  Also, the record button confused her.

- Hombre is taking this seriously and since the other tards are monopolizing Dean, Hombre decides she doesn’t need his help.  Hoo boy.  That might backfire.

Hombre; “Oh my God I can’t think of a more beautiful shot that that.” Very next shot:

Yeah.  I can’t help but think that you gotta think like Bret, not like a woman, or just someone with taste and sense.  Maybe the running down the stairs is nice, but hot chick slapping her big fake titties on a pole gets Bret’s attention every time.

- Montage of editing.  Dean never really went to the other team until the last 30 minutes.  Someone got their dick sucked is all I’m saying.

- Heh.  The computer that had Team 2’s clips in it crashed.  While it seems stupid to actually say this...that’s not really fair, is it?  Poor them. 

But...but...Macs don’t crash!  This is clearly special effects.

Commercial.

- Back and we’re in a tizzy!  Oh my the system is down!  The system is down, yo!  Hombre: “This is so not fair.” STAR WIPE TO; Muppetface running shit on her side while Superworms glares daggers into her skull.  CROSSFADE TO: Hombre praying while the Mac startup sound chimes away.  It’s back.  BOTTOM WIPE TO: Team 1 all talking over each other. 

- Time is called.  Time to watch the videos.  We get to see the video for “Fallen” first.

It’s...uhh...well, I suppose it’s OK.  A little art school, but hey, Oliver Stone has made a hell of a career out of mixed film stock and hacky editing. 

- Up next, the other one, with the strippers and whores and stuff.  The video for “Go That Far” in all it’s glory:

Holy shit.  The song is so so SO SO FUCKING AWFUL!  It;s so bad.  I want to sell my computers and my TV and the TiVos and everything that has a power cord, and from now on I want to live in Tibet and wear a sack and pray, and eat bugs.  Shit, I’ll even gladly accept death at the hands of the Chinese military just so that I can be assured that never, EVER in my life will I accidentally hear, see or in any way be exposed to the “art” of Bret Douchebag Michaels.

Someone help me.  How do I sell everything I own on craigslist?

- Also...and look, I know that this is a repetition to the nth degree, but for the love of Christ, look at this:

THAT IS TOO MUCH EYELINER FOR ANY HUMAN BEING.  So I thought it would be funny to make some kind of joke about how the only person to ever wear that much eyeliner was Adam Ant, only Bret is wearing more than Adam in any old pic I could find.

So there goes my joke.  Now it’s just a sad commentary on, you know...Bret’s face.

Hombre-fessional” “...boobies everywhere.  They’re so gonna win.” Nuh-uh...he’s picking yours.  Douche claims he got it...but the truth is we need one more date with KayJay before her dramatic-yet-fine ass gets the boot.  “Fallen” gets the nod.  Hombre gets a solo date.  BECAUSE REMEMBER SHE WAS ALMOST ELIMINATED.

- Superworm-fessional “I’m sad...I’m just...sad.” yes, you are.  Oh you meant because KayJay won a date!  Sorry.  I thought you meant your face.  I know it’s making me sad.

- Oh snapple.  Superworms goes apeshit on KayJay.  Poor loser.  If you’d like to call her and tell her what a bratty little shit she is, you can find her voicemail number if you look.

By the way...age range 18-35?  My ass she can play 18.  She couldn’t play 18 on Beverly Hills 90210, and that show had a 72 year old woman playing a high school kid.  If she can play 18, I can play anorexic.

- Muppetface starts sobbing over KayJay winning as well.  Aww.  I did laugh when Muppetface confessionaled her nickname for KayJay; “Krappy Joe.” That’s good shit right there.

- Time for Hombre’s date.  Douche-fessional: “We’re going to go far, far away.  To my bedroom.  Convenient. (super smug doucheyface)

WHAT A DICK.

DOUBLE AWESOME!  The rarely heard double awesome is quite a sighting.  It’s not often that a douchebag of such equisite breeding can be seen in the wild, and it’s even more rare to be honored enough to hear the double awesome mating cry of the Middle-aged Spotted Mandanna D-Bag.

Awesome-ometer: 5

- Oh my God.  or in this case, gods.  He brought a swami/guru/dress-wearing buddhabag to help him learn about Hombre’s soul.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Oh for fucking fuck’s sake.

- Satish says Bret and Ambre have known each other since the 12 century.  OK.  I can believe that.  Bret might be that old.

- Cut to: KayJay getting tweaked that she can’t talk to Bret.  CUE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR, SOMEONE TELL KRISTY JOE IT’S TIME FOR HER SCHEDULED MELTDOWN!  She stalks toward the bedroom.  This is such a bad idea, Drama-ass!  [sassy black woman]Don’t do it, girl![/sassy black woman]

- Cut to the date, Douche is delivering some line about how he wants to be only in this moment, and the guru says “I don’t think God is an accountant.” What thee fuck?  Are you sure?  because I was raised Catholic, and they really made it seem like someone was up there counting.  if that’s true, and God isn’t an accountant, what the fuck did I say all those Hail Marys for?

- Knock on the door.

Douche-fessional: “Unless this is God...or Big John with a beer, I best not be interrupted right now.” Yeah, well, it’s the Los Angeles Greater Metropolitan Area Amateur Dramatics Society, sorry.  Nothing here but the LAGMAADS, brother.  Not God, not Big John with a beer, just Kristy Joe and eleventy three mountains of baggage and bullshit.

Oooh!  Here’s an idea: Make the guru straighten her ass out!  Get him to tell her a big fat pile of nonsense in a soothing voice!  He could tell her that the spirit of God is like a car wash, but no one is going to chamois your car for you...unless you ask for the hot wax, then it comes complimentary.  She’s so stupid she’ll fall for all of it!  She might think that the car refers to her vagina, though...but at least she’ll wax it, and we all win then.  Every time a vagina gets waxed, God creates a kitten.

Commercial.

- We’re back.  When we last broke, KayJay was knocking at the door and Douche was answering.  He tries to put her off.  “Go up to your room, because I’m going to do something really beautiful for you...” You know, he uses that line all the time, that he’s going to “do something beautiful” for women.

Does that shit work?

“Baby, I’m going to do something beautiful for you.  That’s right...loosen up...here, use this lube.  No, it’s beautiful, I promise.  You did use that enema I bought you, right?”

- Yep.  He’s siccing the swami on the psycho.  Heh.  So the swami tells her he does “chakra work.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  “Have you ever seen a sad tree?  Have you seen a frustrated ocean?  have you seen a crazy mountain?” NO, DIPSHIT, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS AREN’T SENTIENT, YOU NEW AGE - OLD AGE DOUCHERAG.

“Did you know that the whole existence is celebrating?”

Oh.  Well fuck me.  Do you have existence’s cell number, dude?  I totally want to buy it a beer.

- Cut to Douche and Hombre cuddling in an awfully camera-friendly manner.  Douche-fessional that she’s the best kisser in the house and that he’s feeling emotionally connected.  Next line out of his mouth is that he wants to make a porno.

NNnNNnNNnNOOoOOOOoOoOooOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111oneoneeleven! The last time he made a porno, he wore a weird goth wig, stared at himself the whole time and I think, if memory serves, never removed his hat.

For the love of all that is reality television, DO NOT LET THIS MAN FILM HIMSELF HAVING SEX.  The universe cannot support that much self-absorbed introspection.  It will implode.

- Cut to: Douche calling KayJay down to his room.  Fives, Daisy and Worms are on the stairs all worked up.  So Douche and Kay are talking...and she tells him she started the process of divorce.  BINGO...Bret picks up that she very strongly implied, if not stated, that was already in progress.  DING DING DING...we have our reason for elimination, folks.  She’s outta here like good fashion sense, bitches.  Fives, Daisy and Worms are still on the stairs, but Jessica is now sobbing uncontrollably.  What the effff?  Fivehead actually gives a shit?  But...why?  I’m confused.  Maybe I need a swami to tell me about moons and how feathers don’t like Chaplin movies.

- Cut to...Big John enters the...umm...living room?  I like to think of it as the “Every African Animalskin Print Ever” room.  Anyway, BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Mandanna, all black, light guyliner.  Ever-so-slight gay bear vibe.  He drops a note for the double date.  Wait, is this the whole next day?  How’d we get here so fast?

Also, Kristy Joe may be nuts, but the kid can dress.

Well, half dress anyway.

- Date time.  He’s taking them to the Shade Hotel.  It seems to be an overpriced no-tell motel.

Awesome-ometer; 6.

Dinner and making out, then Chazz mounts Brett.  I mean like a fucking pony.

KayJay just leaves.  Chazz wants to slow his roll and talk to him for a second.  Chazz: “Don’t look away.” Douche: “I’m not looking away, I’m looking at your tits.” CLASSY!  All class and charm, this one.  Then he makes out with Chazz while KayJay waits inside.

*sigh* She’s so off this show.  Awesome-ometer; 7

- He goes in to find KayJay, then takes her outside alone.  She has this weird tendency to play like a thirteen year old when she’s “flirting.” By wich I mean she hits, and insults lightly and stuff.  It’s retarded.  But she’s hot, so dudes put up with it.  Chazz comes back and cuts ithe whole thing off.  Back to the house.  KayJay fails at life.  Say goodbye to Hollywood.  Say goodbye my baby.

Still.  Let’s take one last look at her in that top:

We’ll miss you, kid.  or them, at least.

- Back at the house.  Time for Bret to prep for elimination time.  Cut to; HOMBRE AND KAYJAY FIGHT TO THE DEATH, SCENE 1 TAKE 1.

Uhh, can we get makeup in here to take five to seven years off her please?

She basically tells KayJay to fuck off.  Commercial.  almost done!

- We’re back.  The usual clips of which girl is worried, Douche telling us this is hard, etc.  He’s carrying a gift box of some kind.  Bret douche-fessionals that he has a heartfelt connection to each of them...except in the segment earlier he just told us he doesn’t have a real connection to Chazz yet.

[rollins]CUZ YOU’RE A LIAR, LIAR[/rollins]

Awesome-ometer: 8

- And we begin.  First pass goes to someone who is “mostly sane” and who he has known since the 12th century.  Hombre gets a pass.  Douche-fessional about how he wants to know if they are gonna have sex after all these years.  sigh Also, her halter top/bra/hippy skirt outfit looks like she might have gotten dressed in the dark.

Awesome-ometer: 9

- Next pass goes to: Muppetface.  She wants to stay with him forever.  Fivehead gets a pass.  He does that “will you stay in this house, possibly wearing _____” line again, which means he doesn’t actually like her at all.  He’s only ever said that to women he eliminates.  It;s a line designed to flatter them and make them think that he thinks more of them than he really does.

Awesome-ometer: 10

- Up next we get a pass for Destiney.  Chazz is worried.  Dunno why, she read the script.  One pass left.  Kristy Joe and Megan.  Oh KayJay is so the fuck out of this house.  He calls her down and starts giving her a speech about how they have a roller coaster relation ship and she’s tried to leave him “more times than my relationship of eight years” which is weird, because he has to be talking about Kristy Lynn.  And........commercial.

- Back.  They keep hinting that KayJay is staying.  Picking it up from the “There’s just one thing I need to know from you.” He asks her if she’ll stay.  Big pause.  She says no!  Wow.  Dude.

Chazz-fessional: “I can’t believe that Bret is gonna leave the decision on if I stay or go in Kristy Joe’s hands.” That’s because you are meat, sweetie.  Nothing but a warm hole.  he doesn’t give a shit about you, so remember that next week when you are “fighting” for him.  He picked crazy girl over you.

- So KayJay is hemming and hawing and talking about her shit she needs to deal with.  JUST GO.  Seriously this is stupid.  I can’t believe this is the way they chose to get her out of here.  This is lame.  She bails though, and Bret swears he intended to keep her.  Nonsense.  Not sure why they wrote it like this.

- Douche confessionals that this is the wrong place and the wrong time, but maybe in the future they will find each other again.  Didn’t he say that exact same thing about Heather last year?

Douche.

Oh, and KayJay says she had to go home and take care of her business, they were in love, he could have been the one.  Whatever.

- Now, here’s more of that Bret Michaels class. He tells her how he understands, all that shit.  he confessionals it too.  As he breaks the hug with KayJay and walks back inside, he casually and carelessly throws her pass on the ground.

That guy is such an asshole.

- Back in the room, and it’s time to give Chazz her consolation prize!  You win a pass by default!  Aren’t you thrilled!?!?  He asks Megan to stay, and he was all devastated by KayJay leaving so he just walks out.  No beers?  OH MY GOD NO BEERS!

- Megan says she’s just gonna move on and concentrate on her and Bret.  Fuck, she is a dumb one, ain’t she?

Scenes from the next; The exes.  And Heather.  Uhh...odd.  She’s equated to their exes.  Interesting.  Stripper ShowMyTits has everyone getting hammered and naked, so yeah...same old Heather!

Umm.  Holy fuck.  Daisy’s ex:

Wow. He looks like Glen Danzig and Nikki Sixx had a baby, and Pete Wentz was it’s nanny.  No wonder she loves Bret.  Some drama develops.  So that will be a thing.

See you next week!

Less

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous.
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- No video caps for this week...my copy of the show refuses to sync audio with what is happening on the screen.  Sorry!

- Recap from last week: Featured Muppetface and KayJay having a connection to Douche, plus forcasting the “getting back in the game” of SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, GAME PLAYS YOU!

I really have to stop doing that.

- Another morning at Villa de Douche.

- We start right out on the “Inna needs to reconnect to Bret” storyline.  She zeroes in on him out by the pool.  They have a superficial totally scripted heart-to-heart conversation where he tells her he wants to know she likes him, but he doesn’t “need a parade” with her “holding up a sign.” Then he douche-fessionals that he wants her to “step up and take a swing.” So in other words, he wants a parade with her holding up a sign.  Such a two-faced dick.

- Big John calls them into the main room for the “poetry” of the day.  i apologize to all past, present and future poets for using that word in conjunction with anything written for Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.  John is guylined up again.  *sigh* Oh, and the note was fairly cryptic, it just told them to get “pretty” and get in the foyer or something.

In 1956, these ladies were probably total pieces of ass.  Only you would get slapped in the fucking mouth for saying that.  Even though it was probably true. 

- While I’m wandering down the lane of the past: Just picture it: imagine that one of the first things they put on TV was a competition where 20 women like these two competed to date some has-been big band trombone player.  And some fat fuck wrote stories in the paper every week calling them whores, mocking their looks, intellect and actions.

Wait, did I just pwn myself?  Ignore that. 

- By the way, Douche said he just got back from a tour in Iraq...so that’s a point in his favor.  It helps mitigate the douchiness.  I fully expect him to spend that every point in the anti-douche account in the next 90 seconds.

- The ladies are Shirley Claire and Joan Arlene, and in a failing of the information superhightubes, I can’t find jack about either one of them.

- The challenge: The “ladies” of RoL have to put together a USO-style show.  3 duos, one solo.  Winner gets: you guessed it, a date with Douche.  What a prize.

- Chazz wants to team up with Fivehead and hula-hoop.  I’m not sure she can remember to always spin in the same direction.  I kind of expect her to stop after two or three rotations and need someone to remind her that she was going around in the same direction as those funny arm thingies that spin around that time-telling thingy people have on their walls.

Daisy is singing and wants to solo it.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and Superworms will be dancing.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, WORMS DANCE ON YOU!  OK, that doesn’t even make any sense anymore.

Hombre and KayJay are doing some weird comedy/tap routine.  I don’t even know what the fuck she’s talking about. She’s gonna tell jokes and then Hombre taps after the punchline?  For fuck’s sake, just whip out your titties and call it a day.

- Chazz and Fivehead are reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while hula hooping.  Needless to say Chazz doesn’t understand anything that is going on.

- SRB and Superworms are trying to learn choreography.  I guess they only get an hour to learn this stuff.  Joan Arlene is on crabby old coot, I tell you whut.  She’s barking at yelling at them.  It’s a VH1 reality show, Joan.  And these women are one step above meth whores.  Don’t expect too much.

- KayJay and Hombre are doing a routine where Kristy Joe doesn’t know how to tap, and Ambre comically “teaches” her.  I assume it end with a “Oh look, she’s really good in 90 seconds! finish or something.  Hy-fucking-sterical! /not.

- Daisy is butchering the Star Spangled Banner.  Oh my.

- Time to go.  We get reminded yet again that Inna need to re-connect with Douche.  They’re not even trying at all to hide how fake and scripted these storylines are anymore.  Commercial.

- Performance time.  The audience are all vets.  We see the ladies getting ready.

Well, I know who I call as the winners.  No matter how awful they are.

- Rehearsals aren’t going well.  Joan is being pretty mean to SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, and SRB snaps.  I’ll be honest, I can see why, at least with the footage we’re being shown.  Joan has that ‘I’m old and I don’t give a fuck what you think about anything” attitude that drives people up a wall.  On the one hand she deserves respect, but on the other hand, she’s not just not respecting Inna, she’s actively disrespecting her.

- Showtime.

Bret keeps talking about how important this is, how he supports our troops, how this is for the troops etc.  Here’s the stupid disconnect in the scenario VH1 put together here: these are older vets.  WW2, Korea, there might be a Vietnam guy or two in here.  That’s it.  There are no “troops” per se.  By no means to I mean to denigrate a single one of these vets; on the contrary, I offer nothing but respect and admiration.  Knowing that, I would not subject them to these sluts for even one hot minute.  These used-up cumrags are barely good enough to entertain active duty troops in a war zone after hours.  If you are going to use the “ladies” on this show, you don’t put them in front of old men and demand that the bimbos be respectful; you put them in front of a howling group of young, adrenaline-fueled soldiers and tell the whores to get their fucking kit off, doubletime.

On the other hand, this is supposed to fail spectacularly, so as to create more footage for this show.  So let’s just play along, shall we?  ;)

- Bill Dwyer hosts.  He’s as funny as AIDS, and not the funny kind of AIDS like on Family Guy.  He intros the first act: Stars & Taps.

Uhh...Douche kind of summed it up here: Watching KayJay was like “watching a monkey on crack.” They didn’t do what they planned, which was a thing where Hombre would sort of tap around KayJay in a “professional” manner and KayJay would comically attempt to re-create the steps.  Instead, KayJay just tapped next to Ambre, really, really badly.  No punchline or anything...she just sucked.  So that was a thing that happened.

These poor vets.

- Up next: “Hula Hoops for our troops.” Bill Dwyer, I hope VH1 paid you a fucking Brinks truck full of money for this, and Bret told a couple of these “ladies” to “take care of you.” Otherwise you made a total jackass of yourself for nothing. 

Wait, looking at your IMDB page, I take that back.  This is a step up for you.

They tried to play this like they did a horrible strip thing and shocked the audience, but they only went to bathing-suit-type shit.

- Douchefessional: “The general and I salute them.” The general being his cock.  Classy as always.

- Up next it’s the “Rock of Love Rockets.” Also known as UKRAINIAN LOVE BUS TOURS WORM FARM WHENEVER GOVERNMENT GIVE PETROL COUPONS. 

They start out OK, but quickly devolve into just stripping.  Like, sleazy, Angelique-esque whore stripping, not a nice, simple teasing kind of deal.  It’s hard to quantify but that was over the line, probably.  See my earlier rant though.  What the hell did anyone expect?

- Last up is Daisy. 

Uhh...Oh my...what the frig?  GOD I wish I could vidcap this part.  The vets all rise and sing along.  She’s not just off key, she’s in eleven different keys, three volumes and four different variations of huskiness.  Oh shit she just screwed the words up so, so badly.  She has the words in front of her! 

No.  No stop.  How utterly stupid does a person have to be to fuck up a song when they are READING ALONG WITH A LYRIC SHEET?  I expect that sort of thing from Chazz.  Maybe Daisy is just as dumb.  She’s like a stealth dumb.  It’s the kind of dumb you don’t see until it’s too late and she’s already dropped her payload of stupid on your head, and your house is on fire and your dog is dead, and she’s skipping away down the street singing ‘It’s time to get things started, it’s time to light the lights.”

- The vets get to pick the winner, by applause.  We’re reminded, for the seven-hundred and ninety-sixth time, that this is important to Inna.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  And your winner is...you can just feel the dramatic tension...the applause-o-meter is a nice touch...HULA HOOPS FOR OUR TROOPS is your big, big winner.

It was the Constitution that did it.  Fivehead and Chazz get the date.

- Back to the Douche Crib.We get our first “awesome” of the episode from Douche..."they did an awesome job.” OK, if you say so.  he made them a special dinner.  “Tonight’s a party night.” And this would be different from any other night how?

- Around the table, and Douche decides to read from his script ask a provocative question. “Who is here for the right reasons and who is here for the wrong reasons.” Gee, is this designed to start a catfight?  Why, I nevah!

He keep pushing it until someone says something nasty.  He keeps douchefessionaling that he wants more.  His speech keeps getting worse until Hombre decides to throw KayJay////OK that was weird, Hombre just said as I was typing “I’m not one to throw somebody under the bus.” Well then don’t, or you are exactly the one to throw somebody under the bus.  Besides, she’s here to further her acting career anyway, so what the frig?  Oh, she’s getting so emotional!  I totally want to hire her to play rape victim number four on CSI Miami!  She’s so talented.

So anyway, she starts in on KayJay.  She’s calling KayJay out about being all involved with her ex, which is 100% true, but she also accuses her of being two-faced, which is hilarious coming from Actressgirl.

Kristy Joe confessionals that she’s “appalled.” Her response is basically that she doesn’t care what they think, just what Douche thinks.  He of course throws gas on the fire.  They all start piling on KayJay.  This is such a setup, designed to make her cry and get “good footage” for the show.  Essentially it boils down to Kristy Joe doesn’t want to talk about her feelings in front of the other girls.

Now it evolves into some kind of stupid argument between Superworms and KayJay about arguing. 

Then Douchebag Michaels does his usual: backstabs a woman.  KayJay stops arguing with Superworms and looks at Bret and says ‘I don’t feel that I have to answer to them, I’m not here for them.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with that on ANY level.  Objectively, if this show were real people and not a fucking cartoon, that answer should satisfy Douche.  But it doesn’t, because he’s a douchebag.  he replies with “I understand you’re not here for them, but here’s what I’m sayin to you: are you fuckin’ here for me or not? Cuz at this point I can’t tell you that I buy it.”

Asshole.  Yes, she’s got baggage.  Yes, she’s still a little attached to her ex.  But she’s obviously having some kind of connection to you, and also, in addition, is horribly, horribly uncomfortable having this conversation in front of these viper piranha whorebags.

Jesus he’s such a phony.  This is so a performance for the cameras.  If I were in this house...and since I have a brain and a modicum of self-respect I wouldn’t be, but if I were, this right here would make me walk out.  He’s shitting all over her and playing on every weakness he knows she has.  This reminds me so much of when he let Heather get that tattoo...it shows that no matter how charming and sweet he may seem when you meet him after a concert, Bret Michaels is a manipulative, fame-hungry misogynistic douchebag who will fuck with anyone’s life as long as it extends his career by five more minutes.

I can’t believe any of these women would want to be anywhere near him after this.  Oh, and some of the girls are NOT participating in this emotional gang-rape, by the way.  Daisy, Inna and Jessica are silent as church mice.

Dinner over.  Douche walks out.  “At this point, I’m pissed, I want to be left alone.” You started this, dickface.

- KayJay goes up to her room and starts packing.  Chazz tells Hombre that Hombre said what everyone else wanted to say.  Oh, so you’re all lying cunts except for the actress?  Got it.  Hombre confessionals that she feels like she “betrayed” Kristy Joe.  Ya think?

- Bret decides to track KayJay down.  he finds her packing and asks her what she’s doing.  her reply might be one of the only real things ever said on this show to date: “I can’t stay here and be fucking fed to the wolves every fucking day and be attacked every fucking day they do it every fucking day.”

You know what?  I don’t feel like making jokes about this right now.  That is PRECISELY what this show and Bret Michaels are doing.  They are feeding Kristy Joe to that pack of wolves and creating scenarios just to capture her breaking down on camera.  It’s fucked up, and it stopped feeling like fun about five minutes ago.

Bret, you are a douchebag.  Not in a “Hot Chicks With Douchebags,” “ha-ha what a rock star, that guy, tee hee” kind of way, but in a “You are an awful human being” kind of way.  Right now I am sorry I ever started watching this show.  I actually feel a little ashamed of being a (however insignificant) part of this.

- He confessionals that he likes crazy girls but this one may be too crazy.” Asshole.  Then he takes her to his room to talk so the wolf pack can’t overhear.

- He basically says that her talk about leaving confuses the other girls and him.  Dude, she’s a human being with issues and this is a fucked up situation!  You’re making women actually compete for your attention!  What the fucking hell...seriously this really isn’t fun.  I feel like *I* am the big asshole for letting VH1 know I watched this.

Her response is, once again, totally reasonable.  She says she needs to be able to trust him as well.  Yeah, umm...no.  It doesn’t matter what you want or need, sweetheart.  You’re an adornment for his life.  You aren’t a real person.  You are a trophy, a decoration, a warm hole for him to fuck in front of a mirror so he feels less empty, even while he stares only at his own reflection.

His response is typical Bret...he douche-fessionals that “She wants to know if I really want her here or want her to go, Problem is, I don’t know her at all.”

Holy fucking fuck.  First of all I can’t believe I can’t vidcap this so you can hear the cold sarcasm and disdain in his voice.  Secondly, he knows more about her and her life than he does about any of these others.  third, THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE, ASSHOLE!  You’re supposed to be getting to know them, and instead you keep showing off for the fucking camera.

Oh fucking hell, I am taking this way, way too seriously.  How anyone could take this guy seriously, I just don’t know:

OK, we need to wrap this segment up and get back to the jokes.  Commercial.  Thank fuck.

- We’re back after a short break, and it’s jokey times up in this piece.  I gotta stop thinking this is any kind of real.

- Fivehead and Chazz get to go on a date.  Awesome-ometer: 2.  Everyone’s all dramatic.  Jesus, Superworms is rough first thing in the A.M.! 

That’s like a Hollywood version of Fidel Castro with slightly less facial hair.

- Hombre has to try to clear things up.  Wow.  never saw that coming!  Another chance for dramatics!  Color me shocked.

- The date is at some place called ”Ed Hardy” which seems to be a store where you can buy horribly ugly clothing that even Bret should consider God-awful, all based on the tattoo art of Don Ed Hardy.  Jesus Christ, it’s like every tattoo cliche in the world exploded inside a Horrible Rocker Clothing factory, and then they shipped the debris to a landfill wher it was crushed under the weight of three thousand tons of Sturgess brand Cliche Biker Gear, and the resulting slime that oozed out eventually took the shape of Von Dutch trucker hats.

Some “designer” dude is making a “couture” piece of “artwork” for them, I guess that’s the date.

- Chazz says it’s pathetic that Fivehead is excited that someone is taking her shopping.  Well maybe she doesn’t rent out her ladybusiness to the highest bidder every evening, you fucking jizzmop.

- Uhh...the “designer” just took a pair of scissors to a t-shirt.  That’s his “couture?”

People in Los Angeles (and any Hot Topic) will buy fucking anything.

- Back at the ranch.  Hombre asks KayJay to talk.  She’s kind of being bitchy and trying to make KayJay talk.  KayJay’s confessional is basically that she couldn’t give a fuck if Ambre needs to talk because she feels guilty.  Hombre apologizes and promises in the future to only come to her with any issues she has.  KayJay couldn’t be fucked to care one way or the other, and I don’t blame her.

Can I just say here that while I am defending Kristy Joe here, I know she;s a neurotic bundle of mess and should have never come on this show in the first place?  I also think she should get eliminated tonight if for no other reason than to end the bullshit with her ex baggage.  It would also be the first kind thing Bret or this show has done for her.  Cut her loose.  She’s unstable and you’re taking advantage of that, VH1.

- Date: lunch time.  What the fuck is Fivehead wearing on her giant melon?  Jesus!

They sell that shit?  It looks like a blind mental patient attacked a giant-headed trucker with a Bedazzler!  That’s fucking horrible.  And it makes her fivehead look like a sevenhead.

- The gossip starts about Inna of all people, and just to illustrate what a lame fucking douchebag he is, Bret actually says “A-what’s-a-goins-on with her?” Seriously.  he said it exactly like that.  Imagine it in a really lame “I’m country and rocker and cool” douchey voice with half a mouthful of food.

So the Inna issue is that SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD yelled at Joan.  They are totally twisting it.  Look, the fact is that Joan was a real bitch to the girls.  Doesn’t matter.  The wolves are circling another weak member of the herd.

PREDICTION: Inna is getting eliminated.  KayJay will be last to get a pass, and she’s out next week.  Commercial.

- SIDEBAR.  Just when I thought that Fox had set the bar as low as it could be with that lie detector show, I catch this:

See, I get that this show is allegedly going to be about the stage mothers and what maniacs they are, but the kids will still be here, and VH1 will actively be setting up situations where these kids will get fucked up for life.  It’s like Fox and VH1 are in a race to see who can get to the bottom of the barrel first.

- We’re back.  Almost done.

Hmm.  Looks like everyone’s dressed for a funeral except Fivehead.

- Superworms wants KayJay’s ass.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is worried.  Hombre is worried.  Douche is wearing a fucking shit-ton of eyeliner again.  Same as it ever was.

- Oh my.  In talking about who he was gonna give the first pass to, he said “This is someone who I want to stay in this house because I want a great relationship with no drama, but I also want no mediocracy in my life.”

Last year in week 7, Douchebag used the word ”mediocracy” while talking to Lacey.  This is what I said then:

“I just want to say this to you. You’re crazy, and as we have talk about...our mediocracy today...and how much I despise mediocracy because I don’t really relate to it...and being creative artists we both understand that...I just want you to realize that in my heart, that I feel that i have a connection to you and the fact that you are crazy for me umm, lets me know where you stand.”

DOUCHE. BAG. By the way, Mr. Aging Rock Star, the word you’re trying to say defines part of your artistic life is mediocriTy. With a “T.” Mee-dee-ock-rih-TEE. You stupid fuck.

Yeah.  That.  Again.

Oh, so the first pass goes to Hombre.  Remember, she was the one that almost got cut, remember!  Also, don’t forget that she almost got cut.  because, if you’ll remember, she wasn’t supposed to make it this far because she almost got cut!  /script.

Awesome-ometer; 3.

- Next pass goes to Superworms.  He said she dresses sexy and is lookin’ beautiful.  ON WHAT PLANET?

- Correction: Kristy Joe’s dress actually looks like she’s going to a goth prom, not a funeral.

- Next pass goes to Fivehead.  For what fucking reason i don’t know.  She’s blonde, I guess, and he will eventually cut all non-blondes.

- Next pass goes to Chazz.  Blonde, stupid, hot-as-fuck body.  Of course he’s keeping her.  Awesome-ometer: 4.

- Two left.  We get reminded yet again that Inna and Bret have drifted apart.  WE FUCKING GET IT VH1!  We’re not goldfish.  We can remember the A storyline from earlier in the episode, especially since you’ve been hammering it into our brains the way Chazz lets Japanese businessmen hammer live squid into her vagina in exchange for dresses and sparkly shoes.

Oh come on, you know she fucks for shoes.  Are you kidding me?  She’ll fuck you for one shoe and the hope she might get the mate next week!

- I’m still amazed at “mediocracy.” And the fact that he’s still sporting that “American Outlaw” hat all the time.

- Next pass (second to last) goes to...Muppetface.  He apologizes for not spending more time with her.  Awesome-ometer: 5.

- Last pass.  Oh look!  Inna and Kristy Joe are still here.  Why, once again, I nevah!  Who could have seen this coming?  Besides Louis Braille, I mean.

- We’re back.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD versus Dramatic Baggage Lady.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BAGGAGE CARRIES YOU!

Sorry.

- The pass goes to...here comes the fakeout.  He calls Inna down. 

They confessional Superworms getting all happy...so you know it’s a fakeout.  Oh snap.  Your tour ends here, Ukrainian Love Bus.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, SOVIET RUSSIA JOKES LEAVE YOU!  Or something.  Say goodbye to that worn-out crutch of mine.  ;)

Oh, Destiney’s face when he tells Inna she’s out is priceless:

What’s that thing about chickens and counting?

- OH MY GOD THEY ARE PLAYING A BRET MICHAELS SOLO SONG AS INNA LEAVES AND MY EARS ARE THREATENING TO STAGE A REVOLUTION.  CALL FIDEL AND CHE, I NEED TO OPPRESS SOME MUSICIANS.

- Destiney is all “what the hell?” Uhh, “the hell” is that you’re an ugly bitch on the inside and out, and KayJay, while an emotional minefield to rival anything left behind in Cambodia or Laos, is hot.  You always look like you got stung in the face by angry wasps and also, coincidentally, are smelling beer farts.  Even when she cries and/or just woke up - which oddly enough often happen together given that she’s so fucking unstable - Kristy Joe looks better than you ever have or ever will.  If Christian Troy were a real doctor and he worked on you for a year, you’d still be half as pretty as Kristy Joe after she got hit in the face with a steamshovel.

That might be “the hell” to which you are referring.

- KayJay gets the pass, but she also gets a lecture from Douche.  OK, let’s get serious for just one second.  Check this out:

“Kristy Joe, before you come down here, I know there is an obvious amount of tension in this house, I think we have gotten further ahead, You’re putting your heart out there a little bit on your sleeve and letting me know where you’re really coming from, (big pause) I hope at this point that it’s not too little too late (big pause) but for now, I’d like you to come down here.”

Holy shit.  I mean, holy fucking shit.  Look at that.  It;s so carefully worded so as to destroy any tiny glimmer of self esteem she *might* have picked up from actually getting the pass at all, while still allowing her to cling to the faint hope that maybe he’s really going to pick her after all.

What a complete bastard.  He even took it so far as to alter his “catchphrase” and said “Will you continue to try (heavily emphasized) to rock my world?” Douche.  Bag.  HEY!  YOU IN THE BACK ROW!  BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG.

Just making sure that’s clear.

This is so fucked up.  They are finding any and every way they can to fuck with Kristy Joe and push her buttons.  I almost hope she snaps and starts slitting throats in the night or something.  I suppose that would have made the news if it’d happened.

Again, a boy can dream, right?

- It’s over.  Scenes from the next: They shoot music videos.  KayJay gets gand-fucked again.  Also, she tells her ex she wants a divorce.  So that’ll be fun, or horribly abusive.  One or the other.

That’s enough words now.  Goodnight!

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