Returning shows: ‘Til Death, House, Bones, The Simpsons, Family Guy, King of the Hill, American Dad, America’s Most Wanted, Cops, Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, American Idol, 24, Prison Break

24 gets two more seasons.

Why?  What could they possibly have left to do?  Fox couldn’t give Drive a fucking chance, but they’ll beat this dead horse some more?  And Family Guy needs a refresh.  New writers or something.  This year it really seems like the manatees were either sick or just stopped caring.  Surprisingly, I like Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Probably because I’m not.  ;)

New shows: K-Ville, New Amsterdam, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Back to You, Return of Jezebel James, Rules for Starting Over, Kitchen Nightmares, Canterbury’s Law, Nashville Fuck.  You.  Fox.  I’m not watching the Sarah Connor Chronicles no matter how much I might want to.  I’ll wait to find out if you allow it to stay on the air before I even think about it.  Also, Kitchen Nightmares is great in the UK...I’ve always wanted him to come to the States and deal with the massive ego coupled with attitude of American chefs.  Can’t wait to download it, as Fox can kiss my ass.

Canceled: The Winner, Standoff, Drive, The War at Home, The O.C., Justice, Happy Hour, The Rich List, Vanished, The Wedding Bells, The Loop.  Do I even have to say it?  Drive.  God-dammit.

The CW:

Returning shows: Everybody Hates Chris; America’s Next Top Model; The Game; Girlfriends; Smallville; Supernatural; One Tree Hill (mid-season); Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll; WWE SmackDown!

Out of all that, I watch Supernatural.  Great show, many many old X-Files staff working to recreate that creepy, monster-of-the-week feeling from the early days of The X-Files.  And no Duchovny or Carter to screw it up!  I watch nothing else on that list.

Canceled: All of Us, Gilmore Girls, Reba, Runaway, Seventh Heaven, Veronica Mars. 

Never heard of it, don’t care, wouldn’t watch on a dare, never heard of it, wouldn’t watch if you paid me, that girl is cross-eyed I don’t care what anyone else says.

New shows: Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants, Hidden Palms, Aliens in America, Gossip Girl, Reaper, Life is Wild, Online Nation, CW Now, Farmer Takes a Wife. 

Well, Reaper is just an updated Brimstone, with Satan’s bounty hunter walking the earth.  Still, I’ll check it out.  I loved Brimstone.  I couldn’t care less about Online Nation as I already have the internet and Youtube.

In looking back at all the announcements so far...wow, there’s not a lot of new stuff this coming season.  Nothing interesting anyway.

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• Nine frigging songs.  Three each.  One judges pick, one producer pick, one of their own.  Just kill me now.  I could be watching House.  Or jerking off.  Or stabbing myself in the eye with a spoon.  I do this for you, so that you don’t have to, click my blog ads to thank me!
• Jordin Sparks - Simon picks her song which is Wishing On A Star by Rose Royce.  Doesn’t ring a bell at all.

  Well, I don’t like the song at all, but she seems to be singing it well.  I do wish she wasn’t wearing that maternity dress, and that she wouldn’t just stand there in front of a mic stand again.  This seems like a song that calls for a little stepping and strutting around, maybe some pointing at the crowd every now and again.  She did well though.

  Randy: “That was a very good vocal, kinda like a little Beyonce.”
  Paula: “Simon picked a good song for you.”
  Simon: “You sang it brilliantly, I just wish we hadn’t done the wicked jazz arrangement.” I totally get what he’s saying despite Seacrest not understanding.

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• Blake Lewis - Paula picked Blake’s song, which is Roxanne.  Oh boy.  This can go either way.  He could fuck it up badly or make it brilliant.  He’s either going to have to embrace the ska and modernize it or turn it into something else entirely.  Thing is, no matter what he does someone will bitch.  Faithful cover?  They’ll accuse him of not trying.  Too funky?  They’ll accuse him of using tricks too often.  I think I’d like to see him do a near-faithful vocal cover in a totally new musical style, i.e. lose the ska backing track and make it, I dunno, blues or something.

  Oh well.  Faithful cover.  He’s not letting go.  It’s nice, but the desperate longing is missing.  If you’re going to do a faithful cover, you need to be much more...plaintive? I’m not feeling that desperation.  I’m seeing a good, solid singing performance, but no connection to the actual song.  He shouldn’t have done the knee slide at the end, it blew the ending “Roxanne” and if you are gonna do it, PRACTICE!

  This song is about a man pleading with his love to not go out and sell her ass to other men.  It doesn’t matter what she’s done in the past; he accepts it but please, dear God please, do not go out tonight.  I don’t know what you will do tomorrow, but for tonight, please don’t break my heart and go out on the streets.  Unfortunately as Donna just said, Blake’s version became “a fun party song.” That’s the trap a lot of people fall into with The Police.  They hear the up-tempo ska underpinnings and think Oingo Boingo when it’s more like Morrisey, thematically speaking.

  It was just a’ight for me, dog.

  Randy: “Great great performance.  Pretty good vocal...that was hot”
  Paula: “You did me proud...it was good it was fresh...”
  Simon: “I’m not gonna call that earth shattering...the problem with that song is you are always forced to do an impression of Sting.” Yep.  And it wasn’t good as the original.

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• Melinda Doolittle - Randy picked I Believe In You And Me by Cracky McFreebase (aka Whitney Houston).  I get the feeling this is gonna be a showcase of skill but I’m’a be all “Eh.  Whatevs.” Whitney does nothing for me.  This an especially Disney-fied song…

  Yep.  An amazing example of control and skill erupting in a blast of power, but ultimately I just can’t connect to this sappy kind of say-nothing pablum.  Girl can sang her big-jawed, massive upper-lipped face off though.

  Randy: “I wanted to through a little difficulty at you...you blew it out da box...”
  Paula: “You were fantastic...one of your best performances.” True, but again, not for me.
  Simon: “Your best performance in the last four weeks...round 1 goes to Melinda.” Yes it does.

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• Jordin Sparks - Producer’s choice for her is She Works Hard For The Money.  Hmm.  Not sure what someone is supposed to do with that to make it their own.  I guess as long as she nails the notes and sings energetically it’s a win, right?

  Stripper shoes on a radical pro-life church girl = no.  Performance - flat.  Dead.  Not awful, but more like a top 24 performance, not a top 3.  She did manage to raise the volume and key without screaming.

  It wasn’t my favorite performance from you, dawg.

  Randy: “That was hot too.” No.  It was flat.
  Paula: “I thought you were fantastic.”
  Simon: “It was a very good performance.” Gee, what a surprise, everyone is pushing hard for Jordin!  :)

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• Blake Lewis - the producers picked This Love by Maroon 5.  Contemporary, eh?  Probably a good choice.

  Is the original this...Jamiroquai-esque?  Not that Blake’s version is bad in any way, I just don’t know.  I know he has a tendency to Jamiroquai up a lot of stuff.  Pretty good, I wasn’t blown away but I was happy with it.  I have no idea how it compares to the original, but as it stands alone, it worked.  I guess I’d call it a 7 out of 10?

  Randy: “When you decide to put out an album, that’s the kind of record you should make.”
  Paula: “A good night for you.”
  Simon: “I preferred that one to the first one...you sounded very comfortable...that was good.”

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• Melinda Doolittle - she gets Nutbush City Limits from the producers.  A little Tina Turner for ya?  Heh.  She’s so frigging gonna turn this out, watch.  I predict she’ll kill this (the good kind of kill).

  She’s laying the Tina on pretty thick, but it’s totally and completely working.  She’s putting what can only be termed “the stank” on it.  It’s pure attitude and funk.  The band sucks balls, the backing track is stinking up the place, but who cares?  She knocked it ouhtta the park vocally and “attitudinally.” Wait, spellcheck didn’t try to correct that.  Attitudinally is a word?  No shit.  Learn something new every day.

  Randy: “Another great solid performance.” It was better than that, dude.
  Paula: “We love you, we love you and we love you.”
  Simon: “Love that side of you..again another brilliant performance.”

  Seacrest: “Who takes that round?”
  Simon: “I’m gonan call that a tie.” Between who and who?  Jordin wasn’t equal to Blake or Melinda in this round.

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• Jordin Sparks - Her pick for herself is I Who Have Nothing.  She sang this during British Invasion Week and she did a great job the first time.

  The first time she did this, this is what I said:

  So far VERY dramatic and attention-grabbing.  Hard to believe she’s a 17 year old kid.  WOW!  She just turned it out and blew LaKisha off the stage.  WOW...not a bad note, power for days...that was out-frigging-standing.

  That...again.  Good choice for her...leave ‘em with the big, dramatic, well-sung number.  If the votes matter at all, this was excellent strategy.

  Randy: “Way to close it out, very hot, nice control.”
  Paula: “It sat well in your voice...you sounded really great.”
  Simon: “There’s a part of me that hated the fact that a 17 year old was singing a 60 year old song.” Feh.  I disagree with him there.  She actually called him out on picking a 1970s track for her to sing.  If his complaint is that he doesn’t want to hear her sound dated, why’d he pick an old song for her?  Why not a song released sometime in her lifetime?  Sometimes Simon contradicts himself, and I think this is one of those times.  Wishing On A Star was a hit in 1978.  I Who Have Nothing was on Shirley Bassey’s record in 1961 and a hit for Ben E. King in 1963.  For a 17 year old, 1963 and 1978 may as well be in the 1700s...his commentary made no sense.

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• Blake Lewis - When I Get You Alone by that fucking horrid Robin Thicke.  Please God make it so he did some Blake-type shit to it.  They played a fucking clip of Blake beatboxing for Mix-A-Lot doing Baby Got Back live.  Sorry.  That was A-List awesome.  Call 1-800-Mix-A-lot, bitches.

  Uhh...I don’t know what the fuck is happening here.  I hear that disco A Fifth of Beethoven sampled and some kind of pop song happening, and I’m confused and I want to run and hide my ears.  Blake totally lost me on this one.  Sure, the song blows monkey balls in the first place.  Shit man, he should have just beatboxed his own track and done Baby Got Back.  It would have been much, much more awesomer.  I fucking hated this song.  Although he did it well, I suppose.

  Randy: “It was a’ight...like that Maroon 5 vibe for you better.”
  Paula: I missed what she said.  Probably something about liking Blake as a person.
  Simon: “I actually really liked that.” Whatever, Simon.  He just praised Blake for taking risks, meanwhile he’s been attacking him week after week for...you guessed, taking risks!  Fucking Simon.

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• Melinda Doolittle - I’m A Woman.  Hmm.  It’s always come off, no matter who does it, as campy and hokey.  Not sure this is the one to leave ‘em with.  She work’s it, sure, but…

  Did she just flub the lyrics?  Well...she’s sangin.  Sure.  But it seems campy again.  Cute that she stood in front of the background singers though.  Payin’ attention, Simon?  :)

  Donna: “Jane Krakowski outsang her!”

  Randy: “That was hot again...You can sing anything, the phone book whatever.”
  Paula: “you’re in the spotlight.”
  Simon: “Love the little striptease at the top.” “If I’m gonna award a place in the final to a person who has consistently delivered week after week, it’s you.” True.  She’s the best singer by far.  Can that carry her with the fans?

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• Idol a popularity contest.  They want to draw a younger crowd than previous years have drawn on the tour.  Blake and Jordin can do that.  I think Melinda will do well regardless of what happens to her on this show.  I think they manipulate votes.  I think they know Melinda will do well.  Therefore, I predict Melinda leaving tomorrow night.  Jordin and Blake fight it out next week and Jordin wins.  Blake can sell records without Idol’s help.  Jordin maybe can’t, since the field she fits into is so crowded.

  The recap shows it: Melinda is far superior to the other two vocally.  I think she just draws a slightly older, less rabid fanbase.  Idol needs youth to make the big money and draw the fans.

  Donna also thinks Melinda is out.  *Maybe* Blake.

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• Looks like Barry will be singing...and the judges changed seats for the first time in ever.  Then some retarded stuff about Jessica Alba?  I think Paula is high again.  Yep.  She’s high as fuck.  Time to start the FFWDing...
• Seacrest: “You can tell we have an hour to fill.” Then don’t fill it, asshole.  Do a half-hour show.  You fucking fucks.
• Montage about Idol on tour...FFWD.  Pink?  Oh Jesus.  14 seconds we lasted.  We fast forward and jump into the chorus and this is maybe the most generic pseudo rock I have ever heard in my life.  I actually think that it’s the exact scientific median of all rock songs ever written.
• Of course nothing Pink does could be as soul-crushingly terrifying as having to watch the son-of-a-bitching fucking shit-heel music director on this show murdering classic rock songs like You Really Got Me while some idiot assistant video director prances the Idols around in some meaningless and ridiculous “storyline” while they try to sell you a shit-tastic Ford.  I love that my wife has the remote, I really do.
• Wait.  Wait.  The Idols are doing a group montage of Barry Gibb songs.  This might be worse than the Ford commercial.  Nice of them to turn Melinda’s mic off...very professional to have the singer at a live singing show singing into her hand...
• Chatting with the contestants.  Gee, are we vamping to fill time?  CUT IT TO A HALF-HOUR.  Then you won’t have to vamp.
• Jesus...I love corporate synergy.  SO that’s why Jessica Alba is here.  Fantastic Four preview.  Hey, you can say one thing; The Silver Surfer and Johnny look insanely cool.  Plus Jessica looks totally edible.  And Gaycrest gets into a discussion about hair color with her.  Holy stereotype, Batman!  He’s gayer than Adam West and his young ward.
• FFWD the hometown montage.  Results are finally hinted at...after the break.
• 43 minutes past the hour and we’re finally talking about the point of the show.  More of that fake “We’re all rooting for each other and refuse to separate” shit from the contestants.  Jordin is declared safe.
• Uhh...Idol producers are doing an “Idol” for bands?  Are they serious?  Oh my.
• Barry Gibb comes out to sing, and uhh...he sounds nothing like he did in the rehearsal clips.  He doesn’t seem to be able to catch his breath, and his false is way off tonight.  I swear this stage is cursed.  No one but Bon Jovi has sounded good up there.
• Melinda is safe, so unless they messed with the results, LaKisha is going home...Simon calls LaKisha.  Paula prattles the fuck on for so long that Randy doesn’t get a turn...45 million votes later and bam...LaKisha goes home.  I get the feeling she’s wanted to get out of here for awhile now.  In her montage they show her audition and her performance of that JHud song and it just proves how far down hill she went.

  OH NO!  The TiVo accidentally got two full minutes of her goodbye performance!  BAD TIVO!  Bong the losers off the stage!  We like it when you cut them off.

This show makes my iPod sad…

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CTU...The Counter fucking Terrorism Unit - the same place that was assaulted last year - can be assaulted by some assbagging Chinese mercs in the god-damned sewer system?  Were they so god-damned concerned with designing the bad-ass glass walls and making sure they had hi-def plasma screens covering every fucking bare inch of the concrete walls that they FORGOT TO SECURE THE MOTHER-FUCKING SEWERS?  What kind of backward-ass idiot terrorism fighting task force is this?  Is Brownie in charge of security or something?  Did Rumsfeld design this fucking place?

Oh, also, what the fucking go-damned son-of-a-whoring bitch cock is the Los Angeles division of the Counter Terrorism Unit doing without hardened communications?  On this program I am expected to believe that CTU is the central location for all the terrorism information that flows through the government.  WHY THE FUCK CAN SOME CHINESE MERCS TAKE OUT THE PHONES?  What the fuck kind of moron wrote this and why weren’t they fired immediately? 

OK...here’s another one: Why did Jack Bauer, the superagent bad-ass who can withstand a heroin habit, two years of non-stop torture - and let us not forget that Jack beat death - why did he walk right past the terrorist he shot to save his new wife and long-lost son (Oh come on it’s obvious) and not pick up a single extra magazine of ammo?  Oh I know - it;s so that HE COULD BE CAPTURED AGAIN WHEN HE RAN OUT OF AMMO.

Look, I am no soldier or survivalist or anything.  Even I know you grab the mags because you never know how much you’ll need.  Have these idiots never played a video game, or think none of us have played one?  Jack ran out of ammo because the script couldn’t move forward unless he did.  It’s writing such as this that exposes all the other huge glaring flaws in the show and serves to destroy any ability to suspend disbelief.  The suspension of disbelief was required to believe that Jack’s father had access to the latest security codes that would have been changed at least twice during the day from hell CTU has had.  The bad writing ruined my ability to accept that Jack’s father still had that information.

Also, I’m sort of glad that the poor man’s Skeet Ulrich took a bullet to the brain pan.

I think it’s time to cancel 24.  We’ve taken this as far as it can go.

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Seung-Hui Cho, the Virgina Tech murderer: This is despicable and misguided, this is exactly what I want to hear from a conservative candidate, and yeah, I suppose it would be just horrible to have this guy in your family.

NASA shooter: Sad, but also a little pathetic.  Too bad he just didn’t walk in and make a big scene while only shooting himself.

Wolfowitz and the “scandal” surrounding his girlfriend: Much ado about nothing.  Wolfowitz has a past three miles long, among which there must be hundreds of things over which to attack him.  Trying to drum up a fake scandal is just...well, to use the word again, pathetic.

Speaking truth to “power”: Ed Koch called Al Sharpton out right to his face, and Sharpton said nothing, like the racist lying coward that he is.

Alec Baldwin screaming at his child via voicemail: Lame.  Bad parenting.  Not really surprising given Baldwin’s massive ego.  Was he pushed to it?  All I know is, his first statement after the “story” broke called his daughter “the child” but referrerd to “Alec,” “him” and “his.” I found that telling.  You know he dictated that to his publicist, his ego wouldn’t allow him to allow someone to re-phrase his brilliance.

TV: 24 is boring, The Shield is awesome, Heroes is coming back and Drive is gonna get canceled even though it’s cool.

Beautiful women (some NSFW): This is Diora Baird topless in FHM (the UK version, obviously the U.S. can’t handle this simply kind of nudity without getting weird), this seems to mean that Manson did in fact trade Dita for Evan Rachel Wood (he traded down, in my opinion), and finally one of my new faves, Aussie superbabe Emily Scott in Zoo Weekly.  They’re from January, but who cares?

Gaming: I made the move to a console.  My gamercard.  Would you like to be my friend?  We could toast marshmallows together.  Also, Need For Speed Carbon on the Xbox 360...nice.  I’m looking forward to trying Command & Conquer 3 on a console.

There.  That about does it.

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Boring until the bomb went off.  And then it was neato that SuperTerrorist dove on the President like a Secret Service agent.  Also, how dumb was the brick-headed agent that searched that guy’s briefcase?  Ever thing to, I dunno, OPEN THE DAMN BATTERY COMPARTMENT?

No, that’s it.  I really don’t have anything else to say really except maybe President Traitorface is totally going to defect to Russia.  So is Jack’s dad.  Then jack will steal an Apache, fly it in hops all the way to Lensk where President DavidKiller and Poppa GaveTheOrder are having a gay traitorous relationship in a cabin in the wilderness.  Jack will then land the chopper, remove one of the Hydra-70 missiles, arm it with his teeth and just throw it at the cabin.

Boom.

Man, 24 is so much cooler in my head.

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- Ding Dong, CancerHead from The X-Files is dead!  I’ll miss Leonard Betts.

- Chloe watched Edgar die horribly in front of her eyes and totally did her job perfectly.  Right Said Fred gets kidnapped and she falls to pieces?  He’s still alive, obviously, and SuperJack is on the scene, what’s to worry about?  Jack will leap from the helicopter, land on the roof of the car, peel it back like a sardine can and lift Right Said Fred out with one hand while he shoots the driver with the other.

Don’t you people watch this show?

- Love the orchestra music as SuperJack jumps off the roof onto some cars and then to the ground.  I suppose he couldn’t leap out of the chopper due to headwinds or something.  Or they lost them because that’s how we get tension and excitement.

- I know it’s tradition to hire ethnic actors to play ethnicities that are not their own, but Christ, Fayed looks Greek and sounds like an idiot with that badly-faked accent.

- Holy crap, Blondie just ganked “Guy who was supposed to be Eddie Izzard.” She crazy shot him in the head so she can get the seven mil.  Dirty greedy whore.  Right Said needs to put deh smoove mooves on her and turn her head.  Surely she’ll fall for that deep voice and dry British wit.

- Aww, widdle Tommy’s upsettie!  Are we gonna get another coup storyline?  Again?  Really?  Looks like Rob Lowe Light is in on some kind of assassination plan.

What’s with all the second-rates on the show this year?  Chad Lowe, Eric Balfour, even DB Woodside is acting like a chump and not just because his character is a weak version of David Palmer.

- Right Said Fred meets the Greek terrorist and obviously they have somehting in common right away.

“So, what do you use to shave your head?”
“Infidel.”
“So, pig’s feces then?”
“Infidel.”
“Seriously, how do you get it so smooth?  Mine is bloody stubbly no matter what I try.”
“Infidel.”

- LET.  CHLOE.  DO.  IT.  Always let Chloe do it.  It doesn’t matter what it is, if it involves a computer, then let Chloe do it.

- Julian Bashir matches his superior genetically engineered brain against David Palmer Junior.  I know who I’m’a bet on in this horse race.

- Bad guy has taken up hiding in an apartment building.  He knows that CTU has satellites and helicopters.  So what does he do?  He puts armed snipers in plain view on the roof.  RIiiiiight.

- OK, drilling through a dude’s shoulder with a frigging power drill is frigging harsh.  That’s fucked up.  mad props to Right Said for resisting as long as he did.  I’d have offered to give Fayed a reach around as soon as he slapped me the first time.  But then, I’m no Jack Bauer.

- Why the flying fuck can’t The Buscuit write his own letter of resignation?

- 20 bucks says Right Said planted something somehow that will help Jack.  He cross-transmuglated the frippledoff capacitor so it broadcast a burst of tachyon particles that could be traced with the Enterprise’s deflector array or some shit.

- Man they are loving this “blow a whole in the wall instead of the door” thing on 24, aren’t they?

- Jack is about to disable a nuclear weapon with a multi-tool and maybe a little urine.  And a credit card.  You just watch.

- Chloe is, of course, a bomb disposal expert.  She’s talking jack through this, and then later she’ll talk him through making Beef Wellington with a lighter and meat from one of the terrorist’s thigh.

- Or, maybe Right Said just did exactly what we saw and helped a terrorist.  Oh well.  I was giving him some of that Jack Bauer nobility-in-the-face-of-certain-death credit.  My bad.

- The Biscuit just committed treason.  Hey, there’s a surprise.  Another plot against the President that involves the people closest to him, with the highest security clearances IN THE WORLD.  Shark jump scene in 3...2...1...I know I once said 24 can’t jump the shark.  Allow me to rephrase.  24 consistently and repeatedly jumps the shark so often that it’s no longer really noticeable unless you, you know, insist on blogging about the god-damned show every time it;s on and need things to write about other than jack’s phone and bottomless bladder.

- Are you telling me that the big bad guy really IS a fucking Russian general and not Middle Eastern terrorists?  AGAIN?  Fayed is reporting...not working with, but reporting to, this Russian fuck?  They copped out again on the whole Middle Eastern/Muslim terrorist thing?  And look!  There’s that shark again.  Once again, the bad guy is an Eastern European with an as-yet-undetermined motive.  If it turns out that Jack killed his son in Bosnia or some shit I swear to fucking Christ I will set off a nuke my damn self.

- Chloe & Jack:

“I’m really glad Fayed didn’t kill you this morning”
“Yeah, me too.”

Jesus CHRIST will you two fuck already?

- Babe, don’t trust that farmer, he’s going to kill you for your delicious flesh!

- Do you think Jack knows his brother is made of cancer and can’t die?

- OK, it really is kind of silly that they are having what amounts to an interrogation over Graem’s body.

- Stupid thing number 234523 this season - Morris gets drilled through the shoulder with a 5/16’s boring bit like, 20 minutes ago.  When the camera was watching his through the glass, HE WAS MOVING THAT ARM.  CTU must have some god-damned great nurses.  He should be unconscious from the massive amounts of morphine it would require for him just to stop screaming as he inhaled.

- Stupid thing number 234524 this season - BauerDad calls one of the bad guys from inside the concrete bunker that is CTU with his cell. Fine, we know that on CTU all cell phones work perfectly unless the script requires them to fail.  But are you telling me that CTU, the place that should be more secure than the bunker at the White House given all the infiltrations and attacks on this specific office, allows civilian cell phones to work inside the building and, on top of that, they don’t trace and record every call made into or out of the building?  That’s...just ridiculous.

- Bauer is going to take responsibility for killing Graem.  Ahh-DUH!  He’s Jack.  He always takes responsibility.  Just change the report and don’t tell him you did it, Bill.

- Julian Bashir just warned Captain Sisko that Gul Dukat is will be coming after him.  Call Odo!  He can shapeshit, that has to be be useful.  Or we could get Kira to kick someone’s ass.  She’s the Jack Bauer of space.

- I get the feeling The Biscuit is stringing Chad Lowe along for information.

- “He’s taking is very hard, he loved his father very much.” Umm...you mean he loved Jack?  Really?  BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW JACK IS HIS FATHER, LADY.  And since when did you leave Nathan Petrelli and gain the ability to walk?

- Graem is involved in an international plot to assassinate a president and commit acts of terrorism, ostensibly for profit.  But he’s so careless meeting with Gredenko that he doesn’t notice his totally amateur wife following him one night to a meeting?  Why, hello Mr. Shark!  Nice to see you again!

- Wifey is gonna leave Jack’s kid with Zephram Cochrane, who is guaranteed to kidnap the kid and use him a shield later when Jack finally figures out that his daddy is one of the bad guys.  Wifey will tell Jack that the kid is his moments before Jack has to stage a one-man rescue running against the clock, which will be counting down because the President will have ordered an airstrike against the church/hospital/orphanage in which they are holed up.

- Mystery Dark Haired Conspiracist Guy is the guy that BauerDad called.  He is the same guy that teh former Mr. Hillary Swank (Chad Lowe) called.  Mystery Dark Haired Conspiracist Guy called BauerDad “sir.” Who wants to bet that Gredenko calls him sir, or is at least deferential to BauerDad?  BauerDad will be The Big Boss.  Not Muslim terrorists or even Eastern Europeans out for revenge.

- Wifey wants some JackCock in a bad way.  I mean, all women obviously want some, but she’s in proximity to it, so the pull to put it in her mouth must be enormous.

- Pops is about to drop the fact that he’s the bad guy to Wifey.  Hey, who called that one?  Let me review - Oh yeah, me.

- 9407 Hindry Place.  QUICK!  Run to the corner store and play 9407, 2 dollar box and straight for tomorrow.

- A bomb goes off in LA, and traffic is like, non-existent.  Apparently the entire city was able to evacuate in the last two hours.

- Re: Right Said Fred being back on duty - HIS FUCKING ARM SHOULD NOT WORK.  Also, when was he debriefed?  He was kidnapped, tortured, and aided the enemy.  He should be in debriefing for like a week.

- Re: Jack going to Hindry Place:

- I hope Jack busts in and it;s an old couple doin’ it.  That would RULE and the show could use some levity right now.

- Damn, it was a bomb.  I guess Jack never saw Speed.  Of course the team is dead and Jack jumped out the window to relative safety.

- Milo is driving that box van like it’s Jeff Gordon’s #24 Pepsi car at Talladega.  Go Milo, it’s yer birthday...I love this show.  All computer geeks turn out to be excellent field agents.

Damn, that was...a lot of 24.  At least it was almost all action.  Much better than when 24 tries to emulate “The OC.”

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1. Jack gets to torture his brother again because Graem staged a scene like he was gonna kill Pops and lil Jacky.

2. Jack yelled a lot.

3. It was a setup and Dad is dirty like Christian Aguilera used to be.

No one saw that coming...*cough*

Other items of interest - So Right Said Fred just pulled out of CTU’s parking lot and they think terrorists are oging to kidnap him.  So instead of pulling the satellite surveillance BEFORE they hear gunshots over the phone, they wait until after.  Sure.  I can imagine a federal agency being that stupid.  It;s actually the kind of incompetence one should expect from a real federal agency.  Go ahead, let these idiots be in charge of your health care.  I dare you.

Right Said Fred is gonna get jacked up by Fayed and discover hidden wells of strength and resolve.  He’ll set the triggers but they won’t work right somehow.

Nice to see the blatant political commentary right there all up in my face.  What a world we live in when Scrubs handles politics more fairly and less heavy-handed than a multi-million-dollar Fox drama.

Jack’s kid is a whiny little shit.  I’d totally do Jack’s kid’s momma if she stopped wearing makeup that was five hundred shades too dark for her skin tone.  What’s up with the clown makeup?  Ladies, it’s not attractive.  It’s clowny.

MORE JACK BEATING UP ON PEOPLE AND LESS TALKY TALKY.

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