Random thoughts, in no particular order:

Well, that was certainly 24.  Fast paced, plot holes you could drive a big rig through and a nagging suspicion that the U.S. is going to be painted as morally equal to the terrorists.

Still, I mean what are you gonna do?  It’s Jack Bauer.  Chinese torture be damned.  Death can’t stop Jack Bauer.  A shitty crepe hair beard can’t stop Jack Bauer.  Some bald half-assed “I’m out to revenge my brother who you threw off the 32nd floor of the Nakotomi Towers building” terrorist isn’t going to stop Jack Bauer...and I’ll be there, watching every minute.

At least the bad guys are all actually Middle Eastern terrorists this time and not Serbian or Uzfuckistani or whatever.

The moment before the cargo plane opened and Jack Bauer stepped off, fresh from a Chinese prison, at about the same instant I saw the glowing red interior light up, I said out loud “Oh for fuck’s sake it’s not Jesus getting off the plane!” Donna said “ Yes it is.” and then Jack stepped into the light with his REALLY sweet crepe hair beard, looking for all the world like the Jesus in your local theater company’s version of “Superstar.” All he was missing was a funky groove and a colored robe.

I saw some bloggers mention that line, the “I don’t know how to do this anymore” line as being a mark of the pussification of Jack.  But they never mentioned the line that Assad hits back with, which was simply “You’ll remember.” Which of course Jack does...by the end of the second hour he’s drop-kicking a suicide bomber out of a moving train.

It’s like riding a bike.  By hour four, he’ll be torturing Audrey with lamp cord just to get a hummer.

I spotted product placement for Toyota, Nextel, U-Haul and the Toshiba Gigabeat...anyone see anything else?

OK, I feel like I have to explain the crepe hair beard thing.  In the director’s commentary to Cannibal! The Musical, Matt Stone and Trey Parker talk about the truly horrible crepe hair beards they had to wear and how utterly fake and stupid they looked.  They would go on and on about these beards, cracking jokes constantly.  “Dude, that is a really sweet crepe hair beard you got there!” “Dude, you too!” One day Matt showed up without his and they were needed for shooting and he was all “Aww man nobody told me it was crepe hair beard day!” As soon as I saw Jack’s beard, that was all I could think about.

Anyway...now the Pres and CTU are gonna want to help Jack officially but we have yet another bad guy advisor to the President who wants to intern all Muslims in holding camps.  WoooOoOooOoo...he’s like Cheney and Rove all rolled into one!  And we have a big-time terrorist actively - like in the field actively - helping Jack and the U.S. government.  Sure.  Fine.  If I can swallow that Jack could hot-wire some shitbox car and drive across L.A. in time to get to Assad three minutes before two assault choppers could fucking fly there, I’ll believe anything.

I just want to see him get his messenger bag back is all I’m saying.  And can we finally have that mountain lion eat Kim already?

Next week: Jack throws a satellite into orbit by hand, finds out who was really behind 9/11 and weaves a basket in which to carry kittens he rescues from a fire, all without stopping to pee.  Can’t wait!

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- The show opens with baby factory Brooke Burke informing us that Supernova will be taking the stage with their brand new lead singer before the night is out.  Wow...they got the Orange County punk band to play tonight?  Nice job.  *cough*

- Sorry Brooke, I ain’t “hell-yay’in’ for Gilby Clarke, Tommy Lee OR Jason “gloves, gloves gloves” Newsted.

- I live for these 3,236,274 hour recaps.  Best.  TV.  Ever.

- Dave says it was a hell of a summer, and that he learned something about working together and not letting the rich yacht club guys push hm around.  or that was a Savage Steve Holland movie, I’m not sure.

- Brooke says the voting broke records.  Umm...what records?  Rock Star records?  We have no idea what that means in terms of volume because Mark Burnett is a pussy and won’t tell us numbers.  WHy?  He’s afraid of American Idol making his voting numbers look like Paris Hilton’s IQ score when compared to Einstein.  (Yay!  One last Paris Hilton joke!)

- Wow, the Dilana fans really stuffed that ballot box.  Or...they didn’t and the show is manipulating a Lukas/Dilana showdown.  Gee...whattya think my money is on?

- First Rocker up for the Tommyhawk is Magni.  No surprise. 

- Magni is doing Fire again?

OK, this is much better than the first time he did it.  More fun, more playful.  Way, way better than it was the first time, I actually wholeheartedly like this.

Magni is NOT being bland.  Could someone call hell and see if they need blankets?  Nice job, Iceman.  Tits McBaby agreed with me in those exact words.

- Toby is up next.  Damn, they are just trucking this along… He’s doing White Wedding.  OK, he does this well.

He’s a born stadium rocker.  He totally engages the crowd every time.  Supernova El Cocko Gigundo and the Old Guy Bore-o-Rama could do a lot worse.  Good rendition.

Commercial time, while the band pretends to decide that they’ve already decided to send Magni home.

- Gilby prattles on about growing, something about the summer, then criticizes Magni for not fronting the band but instead blending in like...umm...a, uhh...an...umm...(insert name of native Icelandic animal here) on the icy fjords.  Then he tells Magni that it’s time to get exactly what Magni wants, to go home to see his family for awhile, get paid for a short Supernova El Cocko Gigundo and the Old Guy Bore-o-Rama tour, then continue his pretty decent career with a newly energized homeland fanbase and a lot of new American fans as well.

Yeah...I’m sure Magni’s real broken up about this.  That shit-eating grin really looks like the Iceman is melting, right?

Dave kisses Magni’s ass, then Magni thanks the fans and the House Band, then thanks Supernova El Cocko Gigundo and the Old Guy Bore-o-Rama, then the Rockers.  He went on to tearily cry ‘You like me, you really like me!” then he pulled up his skirt, grabbed his Oscar and ran off the stage.  What?  That’s exactly how it happened.

Gloves McPowerbassist said Mags will become King of Iceland.  And when he does, Jason’s life will be spared.

- Now we get a Lukas recap.  Then Satan’s tiny little stepson gets Lukas to say that Supernova El Cocko Gigundo and the Old Guy Bore-o-Rama are really nice guys.

- Hey, look, it’s Bitch McFakesalot’s recap.  Can’t wait to hear what she has to say.  Navarro called her strong.  Yeah, NO.  She’s the opposite of strong.  She says that the band needs someone who is 1000% dedicated to music.

Dilana?  Honey?  That isn’t you.  You *want* to be that person, but you aren’t talented enough.  You aren’t intelligent enough and you don’t do your homework.  You don’t know where the music comes from, so you can’t really shape where it’s going.  Not that Supernova El Cocko Gigundo and the Old Guy Bore-o-Rama will be shaping a goddamned thing...I speak as though you were competing to front some other band that was actually doing something interesting.

- Toby’s recap.  What, no clips of tequila shooters and cakefacing?  I feel cheated.  Toby tells the band he needs to be drunk and he’ll get crazier, also he’s taller, so hire him.  Sure.  I can see how height would be a requirement to stay out of the way of TLee’s third drumstick ifyaknowwhatImean.

- Tommy says we need to hear three more performances and we go to commercial. Then Verizon Wireless came to my house and shoved a Chocolate phone in my ass and called me thier little bitch.  I was assaulted and degraded by Verizon Wireless.  The whole time, though, we were jamming to some great vCast music!

- More songs we’ve already heard.  Brooke says that they’re the Rocker’s favorite songs of the summer.

- Lukas is first with Bittersweet Symphony.  But...umm...Brooke?  Honeybaby?  Lukas told us all that he didn’t even like this song, you just never aired it.  EVS, I guess it’s his “favorite” now.  I hate it when TV shows treat me like I’m as dumb as the airheads that host them.

The vocal is almost 2000% better than it was the first time he did it.

Call 9-1-1!  Lukas is having a seizure!  That’s not dancing, I don’t care what anyone says.  :)

Excellent job, Lukas.  You’re really trying to win this thing?  Hey, if you want it, good for you, brother.

- Dramilana is doing Zombie.  At least she’s going out strong.

Wow that leg is like a miracle recovery!  Someone should alert the Pope, Jesus must have had a hand in that rapid recovery from a torn calf muscle.  Can you say “sympathy vote?”

She’s knocking the vocal out of the park, but that was to be expected.  She’s been singing this song for years.

- Toby rides the Rand Wagon one more time with Somebody Told Me again.

Err...I don’t want to be a snarky bitch here (shut UP, don’t even say it) but...this...is kind of ass.  Why wouldn’t he pull out one of the songs that he rocked the room with?  His vocal is not great.  It sounds exactly like the first time he did it and I wasn’t impressed then.  I don’t think the song fits his voice at all.

- Brooke says give it up for the House Band.  They really are insanely good.  We go to commercial, and I’ve reinforced the door so Verizon Wireless can’t get in and ass-rape me again.

- We’re back, and the band is pretending that they didn’t decide to hire Lukas two weeks ago.  Jason uses the power of his gloves to illustrate his knowledge of geography.  He tells Toby that he can yell over guitars, and that he’s the Emeril Lagasse of rock what with the notch-kicking-up-ness, but then just as they’re about to make out, he kicks Toby in the balls, stomps on his face with a boot and calls him a right bloody little arsehole and to get the fuck off his stage.

So the big setup is Lukas versus Dilana.  What.  A.  Surprise.

Navarro says he’s great and his song is a hit, then Toby classes up the place by complimenting the hell out of Lukas and Dilana.  he thanks the band, then rides out on a wave of 18-year old virgins who won’t be after tonight.

- Dave says it’s down to the edgy ones.  Then basically gives away the secret that the producers set this up.  Then he scared the crap out of Lukas by saying with the two of them standing there, it looks like Brooke is performing a goth wedding.  Holy shit, married to that sea hag?  I’d rather be married to that fat guy from Family Fued who liekd young boys.

- Gilby says it’s a tough one, and his hair has held up all summer, but he feels like it might be wilting a bit, so can we take a commercial and get the girl in here to touch him up?  Then we break.  I’ve built a moat filled with burning oil around my house, so no fucking way is Honda, Verizon or any other Rock Star sponsor getting in here.

- We’re back, an Lukas licks his own nose in a close-up.  He’s so fucking rock.

- Tommy Lee says he’d like to sex Lukas up (or he might have said that his look and the way he moves is awesome).  He asked us all ‘Who doesn’t love Dilana?” Umm...me?

- Lukas is the winner.  If you slow down your TiVo, you can pinpoint the moment whern Dilana’s sanity snapped.

- Shit on me...Gilby said he’d offer his services to WRITE and produce a record with Dilana?  WRITE?  Gilby Clarke?  The man who wrote about tarantulas in bed or whatever the fuck that was?  And PRODUCE?  The guy with the tin frigging ear on this show?  Dilana...honey, we don’t get along anymore, but baby girl, take Radiohead’s advice and run, run, run, ruuuuuuuuuuu-uuuuuhhh-uuhhh-un.  Gilby don’t belong here. Unless you need hair care tips.

- Navarro whores himself to another guest spot on someone’s album.  ;) I kid.  He’s the good kind of whore.

- So it’s the Rossi Possi for the win.  Great, now I can start ignoring Supernova El Cocko Gigundo and the Old Guy Bore-o-Rama and wait for them to break up and for Lukas to do something great after.

You know, the worst part of Lukas winning?  That dumb cunt Janet Charlton will claim her “inside scoop” was legit and this is proof.  I kind of want her to die in a fire.

So Supernova El Cocko Gigundo and the Old Guy Bore-o-Rama is gonna play.  And my balls itch.  Which do you think is more important to me rigt now?

Oh my FUCKING GOD this band can’t write for shit.  Be Yourself is asstastic.  If the song had an odor, it would be vomit.  I cannot wait to start ignoring the Tommy Lee Project.  Fuck this.

I could be listening to Storm Large right now.  And so could you.

They closed with Lukas singing Magni’s song?  Umm...OK.  EVS, baby...EVS.

So like, that’s that.  No more Rock Star until next summer.  I’ll miss you all!  If you’re interested in reading me rip into some other reality show, I’m planning on doing recaps of Survivor: Racist Island - - or whatever it’ll be called - here in my Survivor category, so bookmark it!  I can’t wait to see if the white tribe tries to sell the black tribe to the Hispanic tribe.  Seriously, is Burnett the best reality producer on earth or what? 

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- Wow, Dave Navarro didn’t compliment Brooke’s looks this week.

- Here we go with the Dilana mess.  I wonder what they’ll air.  Remember, you can watch the whole reality episode, including Dilana’s tantrum where she smashed a glass and it sliced Magni’s head open, in this post.

Wow, I didn’t catch that before...a piece of glass bounced off Magni’s face DIRECTLY under his eye.

To anyone, ANYONE, who is attacking Ryan for his actions - fuck you.  It’s glaringly apparent that he was worried about Magni.

I stand corrected...I said Lukas was helping Toby clean up yesterday.  It was just Toby.

Seems like they cut Newkid’s rant.  See my week 9 reality post for some details on what it was about

Magni is being magnanimous about the glass thing...she could have seriously hurt him.  She deserves to be called out MUCH harder than this, I’m sorry.  What she did was ridiculous and unsafe.

- Performances up next!  Lukas up first with Lithium.  I’m a little scared of what he’s done to it.  :)

By the way, apparently it’s a Canadian thing to mispronounce “Nirvana” as “Nirvaaaana.” How fucking annoying.  It’s not like Canadians can’t make the “von” sound.  It’s one thing to have words that are pronounced differently, it’s another thing to intentionally disrespect someone’s name...but hey, that’s just me.

HA!  Love Lukas trying to fire up the crowd over Brooke’s intro…

Oooh...nice, a piano intro.  Interesting.  He’s actually singing.  Enunciating!

Holy shit this is awesome.  He hates this song?  Holy fuck, what would he do with a song he liked?

Seriously...Lukas redeemed himself for anything he’s been doing onstage for the last few weeks.  From the arrangement to the stutter effect to the vocal to the stage presence, that kicked serious ass!  He simply rocked the shit out of that.  It’s my opinion that his version beats the ever-lovin hell out of Dilana’s, and I *loved* Dilana’s version.  he took that song and made it something that you would expect from Lukas, yet it still sounded like Lithium.  Well done.

He can say Nirvana however the fuck he wants.  I stand in awe.  And I’m a very, very big Nirvana fan (if you couldn’t tell).  So how did the judges feel?

Navarro can’t pull the whole fake-out thing, we all know he thought it rocked.  :) Band loved it, as they should.

- Magni up next with Live’s I Alone.

Heh...love Magni campaigning.  I hope everyone knows he was totally joking.

Am I crazy or does he seem resigned to being bottom three?  He seems like he’s not reALLY 100% into it.  He’s doing well, but like Magni often does...not *spectacular.* Love the high note at the end, love the energy, but it was just good.  Not amazing, not “Oh my God I have to own that track” good.  I would not pay money to own that song.

- Ryan is up next.  Clocks was the fan choice for him.  I don’t know what to expect.

Ouch.  That opening note did not work out

HEY!  That’s a nice piano, watch the feet.  :)

Good vocal so far...a little too high energy in the stage movement maybe?  In places, it seemed manic, not inspired, but then it seemed inspired in other places.

(aside - Hey Producer Dave (not Navarro) - Stop shooting close-ups of your paid hotties.  No one cares you idiot.)

DUDE!  The TJ Hooker slide across the piano was nice.  But the crawling wasn’t.  But the ending note was.  I’m torn on this.  I liked most of it, but the opening notes and the piano crawling were not good.

Jason had a good point about Ryan losing the plot when he’s not behind the piano.  To hell with that fan who gave him shit over it.  He was 100% correct.  Ryan needs a guitar or a piano or something to occupy him when he performs.

CORRECTION - Upon second and third viewing, those opening notes were NOT off, they were in fact exactly the same notes sung by the guy from Coldplay.  I like this performance more on second and third viewing, however I still hate the piano crawl.  It looks forced and awkward and it made his voice do wacky things.  However...I’ll give him a B+ overall.

- Storm up with Bring Me To Life, and have I mentioned how great she looks?  Of course she’s comfortable dressing like that, she does it often on stage.

OK...that’s Storm Large, ladies & gentlemen.  That power, that passion...Toby provided just the right backup, and that fucking rocked.  Storm finally opened up and showed off that power she’s been hiding.  I actually stopped typing and just watched.

And the band says...Gilby didn’t like it.  I disagree.  Jason gave her an A for effort.  EVS.  I hate Supernova’s music anyway.  Fuck them.  She brought it hard.  I will pay money for that track.

Toby up with Rebel Yell.  I really am starting to see Toby as the guy to front SN.  Not a slam against him, I know I just said I hate Supernova’s music.  I’m just saying that he’s the only one that truly fits and isn’t a psycho mess.

OK, he’s bringing this.  Crowd’s totally into it, he looks good on stage.

OK, listen to that room.  Toby fucking owns that place.  Bringing the girls on stage was genius.  He’s a fucking rock star, plain and simple. 

BTW, those girls were not planted.  Many folks at the taping talked about them and how utterly excited they all were.  Well done.  He brought every element together for this one.  While I think Lukas had a better vocal...Toby brought the rock star vibe and had the crowd eating out of his hand.

Wow, Navarro reminded me...Lukas did this.  I totally forgot about Lukas during Toby’s performance.  Speaks volumes for Toby, huh?

- Up next: Dramilana doing Mother Mother.  I totally expect her to kill this song, she’s been performing it for years.

Holy SHIT.  See, that’s the Dilana we wanted.  That’s the Dilana we fell in love with early on.  Power, sensitive to the lyrics, showboating, crazy...it was everything the song called for and then some.

Boy would I have been impressed if she head-butted the mic stand at the end there.  :) No, I’m totally serious, it would have been completely rock & roll.  Picture it..."I miss you.  I love you” then the band strikes that end note and BLAM!  She headbutts the mic and knock it over.  Woulda been awesome.  :)

CORRECTION: When I first watched this, I didn’t realize that;s exactly what she did, but the mic jus’t didn’t fall over.  I thought she was just headbanging, but upon second viewing, she absolutely slammed her head into the mic.  VERY rock.  :)

If she keeps performing like she did this week, then she can be the tempermental bitch (as long as she doesn’t actually hurt anyone).  But she has to keep it up to this level, every time.  This is a song she’s done a million times.  She’s totally comfortable in it and it showed in her stage movements...none of that ‘I’m lost so I’ll wander around” stuff she’s been doing.  Can she keep bringing that each and every performance?  It’s the only way she can bury the while diva bitch thing.  Rock it like that every time.

Wait...I’m pausing before the band speaks.  I predict someone giving her shit about throwing her leg over the guitar player and pushing him, which was a total rock move IMHO.  Unpaused.

Oh...surprised me, they didn’t complain about it.  I wonder what else was said in the actual taping.

Early bottom three prediction - Storm, Magni and Toby even though Toby doesn’t deserve it, and neither does Storm.  The Lukas and Dilana fanbase vote like crazy people, and the Ryan Star Girls vote like obsessed little monkeys.  :) The other Rockers simply suffer from the math.  That’s my prediction for actual bottom three as well.

Ryan and Lukas in the early bottom three?  WTF?  Boy was I wrong.  Guess we’ll see tomorrow night!

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