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• Funny, the crowd in the building was far louder for Blake...but there’s no way he wins.
• “Paula, how do you feel tonight?” “Dude, do you know how good Fritos are?  Oh my God.  Have you ever considered the fact that they are made of corn?  And they can make like, gas out of corn?  When we eat Fritos, we’re eating gas!” “So, high as fuck then?
  
• Some fashion shit, some crappy singing, Gwen Stefani, ALL fast forwarded.  Donna stopped on Clarkson so we can see if her new stuff is as bad as Clive said it was...in case you hadn’t heard, the record company hates Clarkson’s new album and tore her apart in a meeting about it.  And now I know why, this is shit-tastic!  I buy Clarkson as an angry young woman like I buy Gina Glocksen as a “rocker.”
• Time to recap the worst of the worst.  The “Best Presentation” nominees are X-Centric, also known as Gay Panther.  Isadora Furman, AKA Wounded Mentally Ill Orgasm Girl.  Mararet Fowler, who we know as Fat Black Chicken Suit Lady.  And the winner is: Fat Black Chicken Suit Lady.  Sorry...nothing beats Gay Panther.  Except maybe Fat Black Chicken Suit Lady mauling the living hell out of Seacrest.  Oh dear God.  We’re spending television time on this?  She makes me angry.  Like, “striking other people in a rage” angry.  Get this ridiculous bag of OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooOoOoOoO!  Bring her back!  BRING HER BACK!!!  BRING!  HER!  BACK!
• Why?  SANJAYA IS ON MY TELEVISION.  The “boys” are singing a group thing.  There’s a reason they were all voted off.  Now here comes Smokey Robinson.  Sanjaya Malakar is sharing a stage with Smokey Robinson, and lo, the fourth seal did appear and open before them and a plague was released on the earth.
• Up next...The Human Beat Box - Doug E. Fresh and Blake Lewis.  I was such a huge Doug E. Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew fan back in the day.  I sided with their Roxanne in the Roxanne wars, I know all the words to The Show.  I’m’a watch the shit out of this.  :) Yo, if you didn’t know, this is called The Show.
• Fuck all that shit.  That was the coolest god-damned thing I have EVER seen on American Idol.  The whole fucking season was worth it for that three minutes.  Blake, if you drop some old-school 80s rap like that I will buy THREE copies of your album.  He needs to put out a record with ALL the old school rappers as guests and him doing ALL the tracks with his facehole.  That was fun, energetic, it was everything Idol isn’t.  And yet Jordin is gonna win.
• Most Original Vocal.  Idol’s gotta get that last bit of mileage out of mocking the people with actual mental illnesses I guess, like Nick Zitzmann.  They also include Sandie Chavez and Sholandric Stallworth, who was like a low-rent Lando Calrissian.  The good news is they didn’t bring Nick back to humiliate him some more, they gave it to Sholandric.  Then they ask him to sing unmiced.  Wow.  Funny.  Great entertainment.
• The top 6 girls sing a group song - Heard It Through The Grapevine.  Whoever arranges this shit - I assume Ricky Minor - should be beaten with a bass guitar until his head splits like a melon.  Then Gladys Knight shows up - finally someone who can sing.
• Tony Bennett is back to sing.  Holy shit!  Simon Cowell got out of his chair and applauded Tony!  Unfortunately...as much as I love Tony, this doesn’t sound good.  I think his age is finally catching up with him.  He has lost all the subtlety of his phrasing during soft singing, and his power notes were off key.  Sorry Tony...no one can sing like that forever, brother.
• Award for “Best Buddies.” You know what?  I’m not even going to comment on the first two.  I found this shit tasteless the first time Idol exploited some of these people and I’m not cracking jokes about them now.  Now, Whore One and Whore Two, AKA Jersey Bitches, AKA Bridge & Tunnel, who you may know as Antonella Barba and Amanda something or other.  Them I can talk shit about.  Oh wait, I just did.  :) Rounding it out is the couple of Simon and Ryan.  Yeah...that sort of writes itself.  Not a lot to joke about there.  They are what they are, not that there’s anything wrong with that.  The winner is Jonathan and Kenneth.  So, yeah.  I’m done.
• Melinda and some R&B folks I don’t know.  OK.  That’s about all of that I need to see...
• Donna is so kind ot me.  She skipped the last Ford commercial.  That almost makes up for seeing Sanjaya.  Then the two finalists get red and blue Mustangs.
• Carri Underwood doing her cover of Stand By You.  This was the first Internet-only release to hit Billboard, so that’s something.  And she can sing, but I still don’t dig it much.
• Clive Davis comes out to talk about Idol’s record sales.  Daughtry is the big story.  2.5 million copies.  Then he tries to convince us that “professional song writers” are to be thanked.  Of course most of the songs he names suck, and he completely ignored the ones that tanked hard.  The big success in that arena is Idol’s hiring Nashville hitmakers to write for Carrie Underwood.  It doesn’t actually say anything about Idol’s process - they went outside the normal channels for her crew.

  Carrie looks hot fron the waist up.  The jeans with that front cutout dress thing?  That was pretty trailer.  :)

• African Children’s Choir - QUICKLY!  Assuage your white guilt and donate more cash to some three-levels-removed bureaucratic pseudo-charity!  WHY ARE YOU STILL WATCHING WHEN YOU SHOULD BE DONATING?!?
• Oh God.  Oh Dear Lord, what did I do?  Was it when I stole that wine from the rectory when i was 11?  Was it the drugs?  My out-of-wedlock sex before I was married?  Was it kissing Rich Quinn in the lobby of a New Orleans hotel?  JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG SO I CAN REPENT AND YOU CAN SMITE SANJAYA AND END MY SUFFERING!!!!!

  They give him a jokey “In a world” opening bit comparing him to Ghandi, Kennedy and MLK.  Hysterical.  Just frigging awesome.  Did Fox hire the 1/2 Hour News Hour writers for this bit?  And what do the Ido producers have over Joe Perry to make him do this?  Did they just back a truck up to his house and dump the cash into the empty pool, and keep dumping until he said “When!”

  This is ridiculous.  I’d almost rather that Idol spent an hour making fun of retarded kids and Asperger’s sufferers.  Oh great, crying girl is here too.  Fuck.

  WHO THE FUCK THINKS THIS MORON CAN SING?  I swear to God I will beat you with my fists.  As long as I live I hope I never have to see this jerkoff ever again.

• Green Day covering Working Class Hero feh.
• Taylor Hicks?  Wow, his time has come and gone...he doesn’t really have it like some of thought he did.  All show no go.  Bye-bye.
• FUCKING CHRIST another fucking stupid fucking song.  Rueben and Jordin ENOUGH.  We’re not ruthless enough with this fast-forwarding.  And now Bette Midler.  Oh I must have pissed someone off.  Fast-forward to the big notes at the end - HOLY CRAPFUCK CUMBALLS.  That was awful.  I think she’s singing a different song.  Age gets us all in the end.
• Wait.  What?  What the fuck is on my screen?  American Idol’s tribute to Sgt. Pepper’s?  WHY?  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?  Why not just drive a stake through Lennon’s corpse and McCartney’s living heart while you’re at it?  And mine too, just so I never have to accidentally hear something like this ever again.  FAST-FUCKING-FORWARD.
• Oh my GOD.  It went over two hours and the Tivo didn’t get it.  Fuck you, Fox.  FUCK YOU.  I am getting REALLY fed up with this network for so many reasons.  What a complete fucking stupid waster of time.  They’re trying to play games with DVR owners.  KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

  Anyway, looking around at one of the Idol fan blogs I see that with 74 million votes cast, it was Jordin with the win.

  Really?  How shocking.

• IT’S OVER.  NEVER AGAIN.  Next year I will blog about the way my ass itches instead of American Idol.

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• What in the blue fuck is Randy wearing?  Paula’s extensions look pretty crappy, and she’s high as hell.
• Oh BLAKE!  Never sing first if you have a choice.
• Three songs each.  One favorite, one new song they’ve never sung before and they both have to sing the winning song from the songwriting competition called This is My Now.  I’m willing to bet $12,000 that This is My Now sucks more than Paris Hilton on that jail clit.  Oh please, you know some big bull dyke is totally going to make Paris eat a fish taco.  Don’t be all shocked.  ;)
• Blake Lewis - You Give Love A Bad Name.  Obviously he picked this as his favorite...and we know it will be pretty cool (except for the miming of the record part) unless he blows it.

  Yeah I still don’t like that lengthy miming intro.  Sorry.  The rest of it is pretty damn good though.  :) The ladies love that kid.  Listen to that screaming.  Dizzamn, yo.  They literally will. not. stop.

  Randy: “beatboxing was hot...singing was just a’ight.”
  Paula: She rambled.  At least she has an excuse for being that shit-faced.
  Simon: He basically said that while the performance was tops, the singing was a bit flat in the middle.  Sure...true enough, but Blake is about the whole show.  Simon said Blake wasn’t the best singer, but he was the best performer.

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• Jordin Sparks - Fighter from Xtina.  This is her “I haven’t performed this on Idol before” song.  Good luck with that...Singing Christina Aguilera is hard, dawg.

  Hmm.  All this is doing is highlighting that Jordin is talented, but she isn’t in Christina’s league.  At all.  And she’s dead on that stage, just standing at the mic stand again.  Now she’s shouting at me off key.  Fifty bucks says the judges don’t tell the truth.

  Randy: “You voice, I mean you were stellar.” Either he’s a lying fuck or they can’t hear the actual performance.
  Paula: “You were stellar.” Whatever she hears first
  Simon: “Vocals were a bit shrieky in the middle.” Yes they were.  “I’m gonna call round one to Blake.” Again, I agree.  Guess I lost my $50…

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• Blake Lewis - She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5.  Seriously, with the shitty pop already.  I can’t stand this group.  Anyway.

  Well, I hate the song, and that guitar melody is lifted from something I can’t put my finger on, but Blake sounds really good.  WAIT!  It’s lifted from Spooky as done in ‘79 by the Atlanta Rhythm Section.  Sometimes it’s annoying that I can’t hear music without hearing who they ripped off.

  ANYWAY...Blake is doing this quite well, and deserves to win this based on these two performances.  Well done.

  Randy: “Great song, very nice vocal.”
  Paula: “sounded great, relaxed....  then Simon started pestering her again”
  Simon: “Good, safe, wasn’t as good as the first, doesn’t make as much of an impact.” Well.  As Donna said to the TV, it shows off his clarity and precision.  I disagree with Simon on this one.

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• Jordin Sparks - her favorite is next...Martina McBride’s A Broken Wing.  She did well with this, so it should be a nice vocal.  She’ll stand there and wail again.

  Hey, her mom is chunky but milfy.  :)And they used that Coca-Cola singing competition footage.  Interesting that they don’t bring up that she met Randy and Simon during that time…

  On to the singing - Oh, hey, sitting.  That’s different.  Maybe I’m just being...I dunno...harsh?  But I’m ridiculously bored.  Oh hey, here’s the mic stand again.  And the shrieky yelling.  She holds that last note right though.

  Randy: “Most talented 17 year old singer I have ever seen...flawless...better than the original.” Bull.  Shit.
  Paula: “you are in great, great vocal voice tonight.”
  Simon: “Now that...was good.” Oh well.  Guess I’m in a minority.

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• Blake Lewis - his turn at This is My Now.  He never should have let Jordin close the show.  Unless he didn’t let her and that decision was pre-determined…

  We meet the schlubs that wrote the song.  Wow.  That was fun.  Now here’s Blake.  And WHAT. A. SURPRISE!  It’s a cheestastic crapfuck ballad.  Woah...when he sings the line “this is my now” I swear it;s the same melody line from that shitfuck Taylor Hicks single ‘Do I make you proud.

  Holy pissbuckets of fucksauce this is one of the worst songs ever written.  This is cumfelchingly fucking horrible.  Plus he didn’t sing it all that well because it’s like, custom written for Jordin’s style.  Like Blake Lewis would ever sing a song like that unless they forced him to do it?  THAT.  SUCKED.  Maybe he was right to go first...they’ve set it up so he can’t win anyway.

  I would rather eat rusty nails from the oozing anus of a bloated elephant carcass than ever hear that song in my earholes ever again.  Unfortunately I don’t have a choice.

  Randy: “It was a’ight.”
  Paula: “I think you were in great voice.”
  Simon: “I thought it was all a little odd...How did you feel?  You looked a bit frustrated.” Yeah.  You think?  “We have to judge you tonight primarily on your first two performances.”

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• Jordin Sparks - her take on This is My Now.  Holy fuck I don’t believe it.  She’s standing in the middle of the stage, but there’s no mic stand!  Risky.  Really risky.

  Hey, what a shock, this saccharine Disney-fied ballad fits perfectly with her style.  Color me completely un-fucking-surprised.  Aww.  She “cried” a little at the end!  No one ever does that!  How spontaneous!

  HEY GOD.  WHY HAS THOU CURSED ME WITH THIS SONG IN MY HOME?  What, you ran out of locusts or something?  If you’re pissed at me, you could at least have told me.  You didn’t have to do this.

  Randy: “You deserve it all baby.”
  Paula: Babbled about being frickin proud and Jordin’s parents and that she was an angel
  Simon: “Last week, I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t think you were good enough to make the finals, and I want to say to you publicly now, I was wrong...you just wiped the floor with Blake on that song.”

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Thank fuck it’s almost over.  Tomorrow night a two hour finale that will take us maybe 20 minutes and then NEVER, EVER AGAIN.  Hey, TiVo, you’re awesome!  Whoever the special guest singer to close the show was, Tivo just cut it off before they were even named.  Spectacular!  TiVo saves me again.

Obviously, we predict Jordin for the win.  :)

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• The Homer-as-Seacrest bit sucked.  Sadly, Seacrest was funnier mocking his own delivery of the ”This...is Ah-merican Idol” line.
• Recap!  FFWD.  Commercials!  FFWD.
• Idols Live crap - FFWD!  Jordin at home - doublespeed - just in case anything interesting might possibly - through a fluke of editing or an accident of nature - happen.

  It doesn’t.

• We’re doing something.  Seacrest is recapping her performances and the lights are in elimination mode, but of course we’re not going to find out.  It’s a play to fill time.  FFWD.
• Blake time.  I’ll watch him with Mix-A-Lot.  Donna wants to watch the whole thing...dammit!  He climbs the Space Needle.  I fucking care.  He flies in a puddle-jumper to get “home” wherever that is.  Dad cries.  So do ALL THE GIRLS THAT GET NEAR BLAKE.  They’re acting like he’s Paul and John in 1964.  He sings at a ballgame.  I fuckin’ care.  Pop is on stage when we come back and he won’t leave.  What’s the point of this next “elimination” moment?  Seacrest isn’t going to tell us the results yet.  Cock.
• Elliot Yamin is back.  I hated this guy last year.  I still hate him.  I don’t think anyone is gonna buy Skippy from Family Ties as the new white Usher.  We already have a Timberlake, people!  Stop trying to fill that role.
• Chatting with him afterward - FUCK he talks a lot.  Shut.  Up.  And.  Go.  Away.
• DAMN DAMN DAMN Donna almost fast forwarded past the Ford commercial.  FUCK ME WITH A SHARP STICK.  This week it’s a butchery of Billy Squier’s Everybody Wants You.  Sorry, everybody wants to not see this shit.  Except Donna.
• Melinda’s homecoming.  What the hell?  It’s not animated at all?  How does she not live in Shrekland?  I’m so confused.  Her fans, by the way, are MUCH older than Blake and Jordin’s...Kiss of death, baby girl...you’se outta heyah!
• Recapping her performance and results are still not forthcoming.
• Maroon 5.  Holy fucking whorecocking shitballs.  This is...it’s...it’s bloody fucking terrible.  It reminds me of an 80s movie where Anthony Michael Hall might be playing the dorkfuckular lead singer of a horrible band that gets to play prom, and the superjock asshole that is tapping the ass of the finest girl in school (played of course by Phoebe Cates) kicks him square in the balls right before he goes on stage, so his voice sounds like a combination of a 12-year old who hasn’t dropped his balls and a squirrel high on helium.

  In short, I did not enjoy that.  Maroon 5 sucks like Lindsay Lohan on a Friday in the parking lot behind Hyde.

• Results...fucking finally.  Almost 60 million votes.  Jordin is safe.  What.  A.  Shock.  Melinda steps forward.  She goes home.  Blake versus Jordin for the finale.  Gee.  Where did I read that?  ;) She’ll do great, don’t worry about her.  Tivo bongs us out before they even get done talking about her.

• Hey, you wanna know something worth reading tonight?  Go get some fresh, ripe blackberries.  Crush them into a pulp.  Pour the pulp over a bowl of Haagen Dazs raspberry sorbet.  It’s like God jizzed a little in your mouth.  See?  It was worth reading all that shit for that special dessert tip.  :)

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Each contestant sings twice.  Well this oughtta be agonizingly long and tedious.  Oh my.  Barry looks like a Muppet in his old age!

• Melinda Doolittle - Love You Inside And Out.  A group harmonized song transposed to a solo act.

  Hmm.  It’s...Dionne Warwick in 1978.  I don’t mean to say it’s bad.  Not at all.  Dionne can sang.  But the dated arrangement and instrumentation isn’t helping.  It picks up some through the chorus and beyond, but overall it was just a’ight for me dawg.  She didn’t seem that thrilled with it herself.

  Randy: “I don’t know if I was jumpin up and down but it was good.” Yep.  That about sums it up.
  Paula: “Your vocals are always spot on...we’re looking for something that is gonna wow us.” She seems to be taking the long way to saying this was just a’ight for her, dawg.
  Simon: “I think was Paula was attempting to say was that she wasn’t impressed by it.” “That wasn’t incredible.” “That was more of the backing vocalist performing.” Yes.

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• Blake Lewis - You Should Be Dancin’.  Please do the weird shit to it.  Barry likes the beatboxing addition to the breakdown of the song.  He was in total falsetto in rehearsal...can he keep that up?

  Wow...he’s staying in tune in the false.  It’s no BeeGees falsetto, but the only human male on earth that could match a Gibb brother in that ball-curdling range is Prince.  See, if you play with the disco-ness it works, people!  You have to do shit to it...oh nice, he’s doing the horn section with his mouth-hole.  Nice.  And the scratch effect works too.

  I just like this guy messing with stuff.  I liked it.  Crowd loved it too.  They won’t let Randy talk.

  Randy: “Tonight it really didn’t work.” “It made it very corny I felt like I was at some weird discotheque in a foreign country.”
  Paula: decided to claim his pitch was off?  She’s saying more negative things about him than she’s said about 9783475 other performances.  Are they trying to tank him?
  Simon: “I’ll give you unique and I know this is a matter of personal taste but I thought it was absolutely terrible, that performance.” I could not disagree more.

  Did they not hear the crowd?  Does it matter to the folks that want to make money selling records that this kid can...you know...sell records to the fans?

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• LaKisha Jones - Stayin’ Alive.  I have zero faith in this.  She’s slowing it down and that is absolutely necessary due to her lisp.  Barry tries to convince her to take it to the upper register and effortlessly hits the falsetto in the chorus...damn.  That hurt my balls. :)

  She had to change the first line from “I’m a woman’s man” to ‘I’m a woman.” I’ll forgive that.  It would look entirely stupid.  Oh my god, she just laid off and let the background singer take the entire melody of the chorus.  She ran out of air.  Now she’s shouting in the second chorus.  She sounds halting and jerky, like she’s doing some weird staccato version.  She ignored Barry’s advice altogether about the upper register.

  That sucked.  Flat out, it sucked.

  Randy: “Good thing you guys got two songs.” “It wudn’t working, all that stopping and starting with the melody.” See?  Staccato.  It sucked.
  Paula: re the audience: “Everyone is on their feet.” Cowell snipes “They’re heading for the exits.” Heh...I guess he doesn’t like it, eh?
  Simon: “No kiss tonight baby.” “We’re back to the shouting again...the performance was verging on scary in parts.” Yep.  Not. Good.

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• Jordin Sparks - To Love Somebody. The rehearsal sounds great.  Barry said “I know a couple of hundred people have sung this song, but I haven’t heard a greater version than Jordin’s.” Damn…

  Her performance was brilliant.  Nuff said.  The issue I’m having is that all of a sudden i recognized the melody in the instrumentation - It’s actually just a rehash of Drift Away by Dobie Gillis.  Drift Away came out in 1972.  Badd Gibbs!  Bad!  ;)

  Randy: “That’s probably the best vocal so far...Mariah, sort of Aretha throwback vibe.”
  Paula: “It is the best vocal so far tonight.”
  Simon: “Best song choice, best performance so far, we’re back in the competition.” Agree with them all.

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• Melinda Doolittle - How Can You Mend A Broken Heart.  She’s editing the song to remove the “How can a loser ever win” line and Barry wonders why.  She tells him that she;s afraid of singing about being a loser on live TV.  Smart, actually.  She says she’ll go back to the “stop the rain from falling down” lyric because she’d rather be wet than a loser.  :) He agrees.

  It’s a little jazzy, smokey arrangement.  She’s being very, very controlled at the beginning (in a good way).  Very VERY expressive although she’s controlling the vocal.  It’s so weird to watch Shrek singing so well.  And then she just blows that song wide open and it’s really - as we expect from her now - great.  One teeny tiny flaw - when she broke the ending note to re-start it bigger...it was off-key for the first .3 seconds!  She corrected it so fast it’s barely noticable.

  Crowd gives her a big response

  Randy: “Great song great vocal beautiful ending.”
  Paula: “I would love for you to throw all your technique away and just surprise us.” How, by sucking?  This is what pisses me off about these judges.  They;re yelling at her for not taking risks and yelling at Blake for taking risks.  You can’t win on this show.
  Simon: re: Paula’s nonsense; “You don’t understand a word of that do you?” “I think the second half of that song has put you in the semi-finals.”

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• Blake Lewis - This Is Where I Came In.  He picked it because it’s not a well-known song.  Barry likes him and what he does.

  The band is trying to overplay this “funk” vibe and he’s singing way too quietly.  Can I say that the reason this wasn’t a hit for anyone was that it sucked?  The chorus gets a little of that Britpop edge Blake sometimes throws on stuff.  It;s still not great

  Bad song choice.  With all the BeeGees and Bary Gibb material picking this is a mistake.  That could put him out if LaKisha manages to not screw up.  Of course the odds of me winning the NYC marathon are better and I can barely walk to my care without getting winded.

  Randy: “I do think this was definitely better...still not jumping up and down.” Hmm.  I thoroughly disagree this was better.  Also, he stopped beatboxing for most of this competition.  This is only the third one in a row he’s done it on, Randy. “It get’s old.”
  Paula: “Ain’t nothin’ old about Blake.” “I enjoyed it.” “Spot on key.”
  Simon: “I don’t know what that song was, I found it completely tuneless, I don’t know why you chose it.” Exactly.  Bad choice.

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• LaKisha Jones - Run To Me.  Well.  Again, I don’t expect much.

  Uhh...this time she was run over by a truck with green paint on the tire and it was going vertical up her ampleness.  Horrible style.  She’s all over the road with the key.  Plus I can’t get past that lisp.  When the chorus comes, she holds the note from the end of the verse, lets the background singers take the key change, and follows them.  While that may be a cunning plan to avoid screwing it up...Melinda would NEVER need someone else to start the new key.  Is all I’m saying.

  Hey, look, she’s shouting at us again.  Yay!  OHHHHHH!  Oh my.  That “sweet” soft note at the end?  Yeah, she fucked that up eight ways from Sunday.  Wrong key, her voice broke, she ran out of air...just everything that could go wrong did.

  Randy: “I know you got a little hoarse at the end, but that was good...”
  Paula: “Do not beat yourself up...”
  Simon: “Better than the first, still wasn’t great.” No, it wasn’t.

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• Jordin Sparks - Woman In Love.  Dude, this is all about her skills.  Barry again praised her and said she’d be one of the greatest female recording artists.

  In the early part, she’s kind of stripping the melody out a bit.  She’s singing well, but flattening out this great melody.  When she hits the chorus she does just what you’d think: opens up and belts the note.  In the chorus my ear heard it as a bit sharp but still great overall.  Definitely the singer of the night.

  Randy: “Pitchy, not your best.”
  Paula: “Was not...the...you know my dear.” Whaaaaa?
  Simon: “it was pageant-y.” Yeah, that dress isn’t helping her look young.

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Bottom two: I say LaKisha and Blake (not because he deserves it but still).  Donna says LaKisha and Melinda.  We both say LaKisha to go home.

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Paula said that she’s not Simon’s puppet.  Seacrest made a joke that Simon’s puppet isn’t as pretty as Paula.  Simon gets pissed off at Ryan and says that Seacrest was talking about Cowell’s girlfriend.  I thought it was a reference to some kind of jerking-off implement or something (and was only mildly amusing).

What does that say about how Simon thinks of his own girlfriend?

Blake uses Ableton Live to re-arrange and remix his stuff.  Geekily interesting.  :)

Rueben video.  FFWD.  Commercials!  FFWD.  More yapping about the charity show.  Self-congratulatory much?  Montage of the famous people that were part of the charity event.  I GET IT, YOU HAD A CHARITY EVENT.  FFWD.  Robin Thicke.  Ten seconds of that and I want to kill myself.  FFWD.  Commercials. FFWD.  Half-hour down in 6 minutes.

Ford commercial.  They ruined “Paint It Black” this time. Nothing like subjecting yourself to a shitty commercial for a car you can’t afford while listening to a great song being absolutely ruined.  Thanks for making me watch it Donna!

Melinda Doolittle, Phil Stacey and LaKisha Jones asked to stand.  Just over 135 million combined votes from last week and this week.  Melinda is safe.  LaKisha is safe.  Phil Stacey is leaving.  Told you!  Of course I called LaKisha for the bottom three though.  Montage, FFWD.  We’re gonna actually listen to his goodbye performance this time; first one this season we’ve stopped for.

No one will buy this guy’s album, but at least he went down in a blaze of glory, right?  Oh shut up, that line almost wrote itself down.

Jordin Sparks, Blake Lewis and Chris Richardson asked to stand.  Commercial break.  You know it’s Chris that’s leaving...

Bon Jovi performing.  Sure, I’ll watch it.  I dunno the song so it must be new.  Does it ever go anywhere?  It’s pretty sappy, but not in that gloriously Bon Jovi way; it’s sort of soundtrack-y.  It sounds like it was written expressly for sale to a movie.  They’re sounding good though.  Much, much better than any other live act has on this show.  I guess they’re all used to performing with shitty monitors and so forth.

It’s kinda boring when it’s all said and done.

Back to the boys waiting to leave...nope.  Commercial break.

Now we’re back.  Blake and Chris.  Aww, they’re BFF!  How sweet.  Chris is going home.  No more Timberfake.  1 for 2 on the predictions.

Next week the celebrity mentor is Barry Gibb, so I assume it’s Bee Gees songs.  Bad week to lose the high-voiced guy I guess.  :)

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Hey, nice shot of Shaymali Malakar to start the show...that girl has great looking...teeth.  Yeah, her teeth.  ;)

OK, I mocked Jon in the open of this post but the truth is, I’m a fan of everything up to Keep The Faith.  There.  I said it.  Fuck you, I like Poison too.

We’re sitting here trying to figure out what poor Jordin and Melinda are going to do.  Donna came up with Silent Night for Melinda...good call.  Jordin should do Bed of Roses, my earlier snark aside.  Phil should sing Blaze of Glory and Blake should take a shot at Blakifying Livin’ On A Prayer.  Lakisha and Chris can do whatever the hell they want, I couldn’t care less. :)

Phil Stacey - Blaze Of Glory.  Where’d I hear that before? ;) Point of order, Jon, Blaze of Glory is not a Bon Jovi song, it’s your solo material.  I feel like someone should be wearing a “Where’s Richie” t-shirt. /gnr reference

Holy shit!  Phil Stacey just came the fuck alive!  This is clearly the best he’s ever sounded on this show.  This seems to be exactly the kind of song he should be singing.  This is pretty good.  No, I’ll be fair...it’s good.  Soulful, powerful, he connected with the material...it was really good.  He might have saved his ass with that performance.  It was really very good.

Randy: “Other than country this is your best performance ever.” No, it was his best period.
Paula: “Best opening we’ve had all season long.”
Simon: “I thought it was OK.” “I didn’t hear any authenticity” “I thought you were like a bad actor playing a role” I don’t think you’ve done enough to last the week.” Wrong, wrong, wrong.  Simon is trying to tank him.  No doubt about it.

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Jordin Sparks - Livin’ On A Prayer.  Maybe.  It does go into an upper register and Jon wails on it.  Maybe. Probably not, but maybe.  In the mentor video, Jordin was all “My mom is gonna flip out.” Heh.  Jon’s gettin’ older.

I hate when Idol puts the guitar players on stage.  The performance is flat...Jordin screwed up with the song choice, no two ways about it.  She looks terribly uncomfortable.  And at the end she lost the key completely.  Not very good.  Kind of what you’d expect from Gina, actually.

Randy: “Those verses were a little rough.” “It wasn’t your best.”
Paula: “You went for it even knowing it was a little bit out of your range.” Also Paula referenced Bon Jovi being a abnd full of hot guys for no fucking reason at all.  Can someone take her to Chippendale’s or whatever?  Get her one of the throwaway male contestants to use or something?
Simon: “Cue the boos in advance.” He hated her look.  “As for the singing, it was just out of control, verging on shrieking at times.” He admitted she was at a disadvantage due to the material.

Jordin was TOTALLY open about being out of her depth and took it like a champ that she didn’t do well.  That should help her with some votes.  Plus last week’s tally will be added to this week and DialIdol had her at a huge advantage with that 70 million vote week…

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LaKisha Jones - This Ain’t A Love Song.  I don’t know that one.  Jon says it’s a soul singer’s song, so...maybe she’s not gonna botch it.

Heh...she gets a question but won’t sit on the stool.  “I want the camera to get my slim side” Sweety?  We know you can’t sit in those pants...you don’t have a slim side.  That outfit looks like you got ran over with a chainsaw-covered tire...WTF?  Love the big girls, don’t hate on me, ladies, I got back too.  :)

Holy fuck she’s blowing notes all over the place.  If her singing were a cartoon, it would be one of the ones where the thief is running away with a suitcase full of money and cash is falling out all over the place, she’s dropping that many notes.  If interest rates could drop like that we’d all be buying mansions with no money down.  It was cuh-rap.  The ending didn’t entirely suck for like the last 20 seconds, but that wasn’t enough to save it

Donna: “Remember the passion she had when she sang the Jennifer Hudson song?” Yeah, I do.  It’s long gone.

Randy: “LaKisha’s back this week.” No, LaKisha has back this week.  “You blew that out da box.” OK, too easy.  No box jokes for me.
Paula: “You did give everyone a lil’ sumpin sumpin.”
Simon: “LaKisha, I actually could kiss you after that.” And then he does.  “You were so good.” What?  Evs, people.  I heard nothing of the sort.

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Blake Lewis - You Give Love A Bad Name.  Why did he dye his hair?  Am I crazy or does it make him look more math geek and less “American Idol?” Ladies?  Am I wrong?

In the mentor video, Jon says it’s an “adventurous rendition.” GOOD!  At least he’s trying.  Jon doesn’t seem to like it.  “Sixteen measures of him not singing on a show that is supposed to feature singers...” Well, he’s sort of singing.  Or vocalizing, anyway, he does the beat-boxing like a scat singer uses scat, so...let’s see.  It will either be good or suck badly.  :)

Hmm.  He’s miming like hes a record player.  Also the whole song is slowed down a lot.  He’s doing this thing like he’s scratching but he’s actually singing the scratching.  Then he does a traditional rock chorus, and then...wow....OK, how to describe this.  He beat-boxes freestyle, then the drummer duels with him, he returns, then starts singing the chorus again with the scratch effect, then it’s rock again, then there are black chorus singers, and he’s singing, and it’s rock and hip hop and I don’t know what the fuck I just saw, but I tell you what: It was interesting and I need to watch it again.  Excuse me while I rewind that.

OK, on second look I dislike the record player bit at the beginning.  i get why he did it but it came off corny.  The first verse is actually a reggae mix.  Then it seamlessly transitions to the traditional song’s chorus.  Then we get the dueling beatbox/drum thing.  Then the scratch-singing for one chorus, then a mostly acapella second chorus with the background singers, then a mix of what seems like a breakbeat drum with the traditional rock chorus and he ends on the titular line acapella.

It was all over the road but somehow it made sense.  This kid can really turn genres on their heads and do weird stuff to music.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he’s going to sell a shitload of records if someone will let him do his thing and not try to force him to be the “American Idol” molded pop shit thing they usually do.

By the way, he kept the strong rock chorus and his voice carried it.  He has power when he wants it I guess.  This is maybe the most ballsy, risky Idol performance ever.  Simon will hate this.  The crowd on the other hand is going literally insane and he got a standing ovation!

Randy: “I’ll give you the award for the most original version of a song ever on Idol.” “that was hot.” Good, at least Randy reck-ah-nize the skills.
Paula: “This was the biggest leap of faith.” “This was amazing, this was your night.” “Simon’s mom was rocking with you!”
Simon: He says half the audience will hate it but half will love it, he was brave and it will work to keep him in for next week.

Well, that was one of those moments that make the show a lot easier to deal with.  Someone who did something unique even if the song was something we all know by heart.

1-866-IDOLS-04
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Chris Richardson.  Uhh...Seacrest just called him “Justin Timberlake.” Doh.  :) He’s singing Wanted (Dead Or Alive) Oh.  My.  God.  I just know already I will hate it and the judges will love it.  I think the fans will hate it too...this is THE Bon Jovi song, and it’s actually one of the few Bon Jovi songs that can’t be changed from the southern-fried western style due to the actual lyrics.  Trying to make it a Timberfake song will be a colossal failure.  Chris Daughtry killed this last year, just knocked it out of the park.  To make matters worse, this moron doesn’t know the lyrics.

Oh boy.  This is gonna be great. /sarcasm.

Man, the Idol guitar player sucks.  As for Chris, he’s TOTALLY Timberfaking it.  Jon tried to explain that he needs to find “the blue note.” Meaning the song has to be sad.  Chris is trying to make it a celebration.  Then he sings the Richie part at the wrong time.  I hate that.  Hey, there’s a forgotten lyric...oh no...this is devolving fast.  He totally ignored Jon Bon Jovi’s advice and wrecked the song.

That was, in a word, karaoke crap. 

Donna: “And of course the judges are going to love it because it’s always opposite day with us and Chris Richardson.”

Randy: “You did yout thing on that.” That was nice baby I like that
Paula: “You did your thing.” Can she speak for herself?
Simon: Didn’t really like it but was really polite about it.  He seems to be trying to save Chris a little...I mean, he tried to destroy Phil Stacey at the open and Phil was great.  This he just says “Whether or not it was good enough for you to be back next week, I don’t know.” Simon’s trying to influence votes.

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Melinda Doolittle - Have A Nice Day.  Feh.  I hate this song.  Jon told her to take it to church.  Maybe it won’t suck?  How cute, she tried to throw up the horns!

Well now.  She opens strong as hell.  She’s prowling the entire stage like...well...a rock star.  Hmm.  Now...I don’t like the song, but she’s doin’ some shit up there.  It seems like there’s nothing she can’t sing.  It’s not as compelling as Blake or as...authentically rock, I suppose...as Phil.  She was clearly acting a part and trying to transform it into as much of a soul song as she could.  It was good, no doubt.  I wouldn’t pay money for it but she did quite well.

Randy: “A great performance again.”
Paula: “From the first note we knew the game was on...you’re a rock star.”
Simon: “Like a young Tina Turner...vocally in a different league to everyone else.”

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Bottom three predictions

Donna: It should be Chris, Lakisha and Jordin, but Jordin will likely be safe due to her big numbers from last week.  It will be Blake in the bottom three. Two have to leave, And they will be LaKisha and most likely Chris.

Jim: I say Phil did well, but it won’t matter; people are done with him.  Phil, LaKisha and Blake in the bottom three with Phil and LaKisha to go home.  Chris might make the bottom three instead of Blake.  Won’t change who leaves.

Oh crap, the Bushes appeared in a video to thank American Idol viewers for the charity stuff and did a REALLY bad joke.  I’m glad I don’t pay any attention to the media coverage of this show.  I can totally see BDS popping up in every article about Idol for the next week.

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• Oh my ever-loving Lord and Savior.  They’re dressed all in angelic white.  And Seacrest just did a re-take on live TV.  Smooth.
• Seacrest says it’s the most shocking result in history.  Also, they got 70 million votes, so it looks like Rupert Murdoch is out a cool five mil in cash...like he’d notice.  Also, it’s a telethon, there’s a special number you can call to donate.  OR...you could just donate directly to the charity of your choice.
• Ellen?  Watch us FFWD.  Earth Wind & Fire...FFWD.  Katrina guilt trip...gee, whattya think we did.  Quincy Jones segment...bet you can tell what I did.  BUT...
• I do believe this is a group atrocity.  Ahh yes.  Simon’s Angels are singing.  Has any of these “charity” songs 1. every actually helped, and 2. ever been any good after “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Good GOD this song is awful.  Thanks, Q.  Really appreciate the cliched African drums and the terrible lyrics.
• Yeah...I really believe that the Ben Stiller segment is a satellite feed.  Can’t you just say it’s a pre-tape?  Also, Ben needs to call Ricky Gervais and thank him, because that segment was EXACTLY his character from the first season of Extras.  In fact he may owe Gervais, BBC and HBO some royalties.
• Melinda Doolittle is asked to stand - She’s safe.  Then Paula Abdul visits the Boys & Girls Club and that FFWD button hit.  HOLY CHRIST Il Divo.  Wow, that’s so utterly horrible.  FFWD.
• Wow, Hugh Laurie looks awfully skinny there, doesn’t he?  And yes, Seacrest, Hugh Laurie has an accent.  He’s British and has had a long and brilliant career.
• Seacrest then says that anyone can get on stage and “do something” if they donate, and the camera pans past KG and JB...THE D IS IN THE HOUSE.  Now that I will watch.  You must respect the D.

  Jack comes up alone and riffs a little.  He’s starts singing Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose.” Bitches you better bring KG up on that stages motherfuckers.  Awww...they’re gonna waste KG on this stupid camera cutaway stuff.  No actual Tenacious D playing!  I suppose the awesome power of The D would have made everyone else embaraased to go on.  You can’t follow Tenacious D.  It’d be like trying to follow Pink Floyd at Earl’s Court in 1980.

  Simon critiques Jack and drops the “You were better than Sanjaya” line which is good for a laugh.  And of course Seal is here to tell JB it was the best rendition ever.  I was a little disappointed that they didn’t just have The D play the song and then do the same bit after.  Still, at least it was a little funny.

• Blake Lewis asked to stand - safe.
• Wow, listening to Ellen prattle on is like watching paint dry.  She introduces Rascall Flatts, and lo and behold, Chris Richardson was 100% right - nasally is a form of singing.  Simon Cowell was flat-out wrong when he tried to beat up on Chris for his performance of Rascall Flatts’ Mayberry.
• Oh look it’s Tom from Myspace!  That guy is my Myspace friend!  ;) Then there’s some bullshit and Paula is standing on the stage or something.  I don’t really know what happened because WE WEE FAST FORWARDING!
• Hour two...not bad, we managed to do the first hour in about 15 minutes.  FORD COMMERCIAL.  FUCK I fucking hate these fucking fucks.
• And now it’s some weird celebrity “comedy” lip synch to Stayin Alive.  Umm...I guess this is American Idol’s idea of being relevant since this kind of video is about 63% of all Youtube material?  Youtube is 63% allegedly-funny lip synch videos, 18% Japanese gameshow/fetish videos, 4% political commentary and 10% tits and ass, just in case you were wondering.  Oh, and the video wasn’t funny.  At all.  Neither are 63% of all Youtube videos.
• Phil Stacey - safe?  Uh oh.  Jordin is in the bottom three?  What the fucking fuck?
• Guilt trip - FFWD.  Ellen - FFWD.  I did catch she’s personally donating $100,000.  That’s not a hell of a lot for her.  She intros Josh Groban.  Hey, Josh, why would you try this over-used cliche to get on Idol?  You’re not as good as the original///oh wait.

  Doh.

  You know what’s actually funny about that joke?  He’s not.  He’s not as good live as his album voice is.  Do I smell a Pro Tools singer here?  I swear to GOD he’s off key!  Dude, that wasn’t my favorite performance by you.  It was just a’ight for me dog, just keepin’ it real.

• FFWD something about Exxon.  Slip past Ellen to find that Jeff Beck is backing Kelly Clarkson.  That seems like one of the seven seals to me.
• More crap to FFWD - Hey, was that The Simpsons?  Wow.  Simon actually sang.  You know what?  The bit was kind of amusing.  It was the portrayal of the judges...Marge doing Randy and Lisa as a totally vapid airhead in the middle.  Not bad.
• LaKisha Jones asked to stand.  She’s fucking safe?  Are they sending Jordin home?  That would be a shock, maybe not the biggest shock of all time.  That would be Clay Aiken losing to Reuben Stoddard.
• Oh GOD...here’s the digital mash-up between Elvis and Celine Dion.  She’s gonna sing over Elvis’ performance...it’s my opinion that the only singer in the world that can do this sort of thing right - meaning the only singer with the sense to be SMALL when needed - is David Bowie.  Best Dueter (that ain’t a word) in the known world.
• Some technical problem comes up, and they throw it to Ellen.  She looks amusing at triple speed.  Now here’s the only person i wanted to see: Annie Lennox.

  She’s doing Bridge Over Troubled Waters.  Somehow I didn’t know she could play piano… OOOOhhhh...uhh, stage guy, can you fix her mix?  I don’t think she can hear that her upper register is off key.  I know for a frigging FACT Annie can sing...I can’t imagine why this is so...not good.

  I’m sticking to my theory - she can’t hear that she’s off key.  Crap...now she’s just shouting.  I blame the stage crew.

• Seacrest tells Chris Richardson and Jordin Sparks to stand.  Chris is safe.  Jordin is gone?  No...no, she’s safe too.  OK.  It’s charity night so everyone can stay.  Next week, all the votes will be added to next week’s votes and the bottom two will be eliminated.
• Oh here it comes.  Bono’s shit-tastic charity song.  We get some patented Bono preaching.  If we all hold hands and sing we can end war!  Also, you can save the earth by using only one square of toilet paper per “event,” right?

  Simon’s Angels start off American Prayer.  I hear Jordin say “This is my American Prayer” like 4 times, and the TiVo wisely bonged them out of existence.  You know what?

  I think my Tivo is possessed by the spirit of Chuck Barris.  Look him up on Wikipedia if you don’t know.

Fucking Idol.  Seacrest Out, bitches.

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- Jesus...Seacrest’s open is so pretentious.  “The calls you make will not only save your favorite contestants, they will also...DRAMATIC PAUSE...save lives!  Eat me, asshole, I donate to charity on my time, I don’t need this ridiculous, corporate-sponsored guilt trip.

- OH shit… There’s a LIMIT to the amount they’re donating!  Ten cents a call for the first 50 million calls, with a ceiling of $5,000,000.  Idol had made more this year from the “contest” phone calls and text messages than they are spending on this “charity” donation.  They will gain more in boosted ratings during a traditionally slow period, increased ad revenue this and next year due to that jump in ratings (again, during a traditionally slower period for Idol) and in corporate sponsorship than this “charity” event will cost, so they aren’t giving anything back at all.

Giving back would be, without fanfare and self-aggrandizing pomp and circumstance, simply making a massive donation to a given charity and shutting the fuck up about it.

- It’s even worse now.  Bono is the celebrity “mentor” but he won’t be on until tomorrow so what’s he mentoring?  Maybe he can teach them how to yodel-sing* and at the same time preach his fool “I wish I was knighted like Geldof” head off.  Also, tomorrow night is a TWO HOUR RESULTS SHOW.  Just fucking shoot me in the face.

* Bono can sing...and I love old U2 pre “Joshua Tree.” But let’s face it, Bono’s not the best singer you ever heard.  I’m not even sure he knows what a key is, I’m pretty sure that the rest of the band just writes and plays around whatever oddly yodel-like key he gets into at the top of a song.  Plus you just know it eats his as sthat he’s not been knighted yet like that guy from the frigging Boomtown Rats.  I mean, the Boomtown Rats?  They couldn’t open for U2 back in the Live At Red Rocks days!

Chris Richardson - Change The World from Clapton.  Oddly, I think he might be suited to this.  It might actually be right in his vocal range.

Hmm...He sounds....weak?  Soft?  I think he’s doing two things wrong: he’s Timberfaking the vocal, and he’s sitting, limiting his diaphragmatic breath control.  And as soon as he stands, he sounds a lot stronger.  Still Timberfake, though.  Or rather like a mix between a Timberlake wannabe and a white kid who wishes he was either Blake or Stevie Wonder.

Donna: “I’m finding this performance totally uninspiring.” Yeah me too.  Boring.  And he ended on what must have been a run of thirty-seven different notes.  JUST SING THE SONG!  Of course the judges will love it.

Randy: “For the first time in a long time for me, dude, you in it to win it.” Whatever.  They always love his Timberfake performances.
Paula: “You did fantastic...really well done...really proud of you...see your journey.” What journey?  That is the same thing he’s always done!
Simon: “It kind of feels like the competition starts tonight.” “It was a good vocal...more soul in it...I think you did really well.” Yes, as a Timberlake impressionist!  Opposite day once again for us and the judges over Chris.

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Melinda Doolittle - There Will Come A Day by Faith Hill.  Is this a tactical move by preemptively showing she’s better at gospel-inspired music than LaKisha is?  ;)

What can I say?  You’d expect her to SANG the snot out of this and make it melodramatic and huge, and that’s precisely what she’s doing.  She looks thrilled to be doing it, she’s singing her ass off, she’s on tune, huge when needed, finishes soft...precisely what you expect from the pro.  The crowd can barely stop cheering.

Randy: “MELINDA IS HERE!”
Paula: “There’s no one like you.” I can’t wait for the night with you?  Come ON!  Scorpions humor rules.
Simon: “It wasn’t a copycat performance...you made me believe you recorded it originally.” “That really was a vocal master class.” Not much else to add.

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Blake Lewis - Imagine by John Lennon.  I hope he gives it a “Blake twist.”

Nope.  Just a straight, boring, nowhere-near-exciting-or-inspiring performance.  It’s nice, but.  That’s the best thing I can say.  Nice, but.  The but is “I was bored.”

Randy: “It was just kind of a’ight for me dog.”
Paula: “I really enjoyed it.” She emphasized the simplicity and emotion.
Simon: “It didn’t go anywhere...you sang it with sincerity.”

1-866-IDOLS-03
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LaKisha Jones - is wearing a huge formal curtain.  Seriously, it looks like a curtain in the formal parlor of a British country mansion.  Anyway, she’s singing I Believe from Fantasia Barino.  Just one more in a long series of REALLY stupid song choices by LaKisha.  She couldn’t possibly sing it anywhere near as good as Fantasia did on this show.

Umm...she didn’t finish the word “edge” in the first line.  She sang “Have you ever reached a rainbow’s ehhhhhhhh....” She was avoiding her lisp.  Oh man, she’s ALL over the place key-wise.  She’s blowing this left right and center.  She’s also screaming at the top of her lungs again.

Man...was I wrong about this woman.  She’s nowhere near ready for something like this.  She’s just lucky that so many others were so awful.  She might be the next to go if Phil Stacey does well.

Randy: “A couple pitch problems...wasnt your best, but I did like it.”
Paula: “You are a powerhouse vocalist...I have a hard time getting past Fantasia.” She’s trying to say “Bad song choice” honey.
Simon: “Again I’m having an issue, LaKisha, with the shouting...” and then the crowd interrupts him and he yells at them.  ;)

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Phil Stacey - The Change by Garth Brooks.  Heh, it could work, maybe countrifying himself in the Garth Brooks style will overcome that “I can’t start a song to save my life” problem he has.  Or maybe not since it’s a ballad.

Err...why is Michael McDonald singing a Garth Brooks song?  No wise man has the power to reason this into a good performance.  Why is Phil Stacey alternating between himself and a Michael McDonald impression?  Does this fool believe that we’ll like him if he sounds like he’s fronting the Doobie Brothers?  Anyway...at least he stayed on key and was, as Donna said, passionate about this song.  Feh...he’s not a pop star at all.  He’s just the best singer on his ship.  He’ll probably always be the best singer at any wedding...unless of course Jill Gioia is there.  ;)

Randy: “You’re back again this week...very nice vocal....”
Paula: “This was your best.” WTF?
Simon: “I really like you...good choice of song...” He advised him to slip that country tone back into his voice.  All the judges are trying to save Phil for some reason.

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Jordin Sparks - You’ll Never Walk Aloneby everyone.  It’s a big-voice ballad and right up her alley.

She’s really very, very good, especially considering that she’s 17 and could only get better with time, practice and training.  This is a syrupy ballad so it’s not my cup of tea, but she’s knocking it out of the park.  There were maybe two teeny tiny moments when her throat seemed dry or like she has a cold or something, but they were minute.  Excellent performance if schmaltz is your cup of tea.  Big finish for the show.

Randy: “One of the best vocals of anyone ever...from someone who is seventeen years old!”
Paula: “You’re glorious.”
Simon: “Unlike Randy, I thought you were fantastic.” That song is about 60 years old - I think you’d have a hit record with that.” Maybe.  It was HUGE.

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Bottom three, both agree: Blake, LaKisha and Phil.  We’re gonna hang that ass over the ledge again and predict LaKisha going home.

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• Martina McBride montage...again, another professional is trying to tell the contestants to just sing the songs...something everyone under the age of 30 who sings in public seems to be unable to do most of the time.  Here’s my broken record statement of the night - too many runs!  Oh, and also I won’t know a damn thing about the songs tonight
• Phil Stacey - Where The Blacktop Ends, Keith Urban.  Martina noticed that Phil can’t start a song.  Gee.  Really?

  Something about rock/soul/pop singers just suck the LIFE out of country, even new country.  Typical Phil Stacey here - boring but not bad enough to really complain about.  To bring back the old Rockstar Supernova thing - Evs, yo.  It’s unbelievably boring save for the last note.  Again.

  Randy: “You could have a career in country music - that was really good”. What the fuck?  Err...evs, I suppose.  I couldn’t have cared less about that.
  Paula: Agreed with Randy
  Simon: Also loved it. “We actually saw some personality.” Really?  Where?  Did he pay you to say that?  Are they trying to save Phil so as to make an effort to combat the Sanjaya effect?  I can’t really think of another reason to be so congratulatory about that performance.

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• Jordin Sparks is next; I have a prediction.  When Seacrest says her phone number at the end, she’ll pretend to count her fingers and be all surprised when she gets to two.  Her song is Broken Wing, Martina’s song.  Martina loved it.

  Really good and controlled at the beginning.  It’s everything you want a female country artist to be...forlorn, articulate, clean, on key...just a hint of the slightest twang.  She carries it right up into the chorus and it’s maybe her best performance yet.  Really well done.  Perfect, with a huge, long, perfect note at the end.  Crowd went nuts for it.

  Randy: “One of the most difficult songs to sing.” “Dude that was the bomb”.
  Paula: “Fantastic job”.  “You built the song and you did tell a story” True.
  Simon: “This is the first time since we have met, that I actually believe, based on that performance, that you could win American Idol”.  Shit, if she sang like that every week?  Yes, she could.

  She didn’t do the “Oh look, I have two fingers” thing.  Hopefully she’s noticed it in watching herself…

  1-866-IDOLS-02
  

• Sanjaya Malakar- Let’s Give ‘Em Something To Talk About.  What’s the fucking point of even typing anything about him?  So he’s here to destroy Bonnie Raitt.  Hooray. 

  Wait, here’s something to say - the moron is wearing a bandanna with half-a-fro sticking out the back.  He looks ridiculous.  Oh god, it starts out horrible.  Then he sang just a little too loud (Oh, come on that was funny!) and it almost worked...in the very next line he faded back into the background again.  here it comes!  Bad notes galore. 

  Donna: “Bonnie Raitt is somewhere trying to slit her own throat right now.” Fanjayas - he sucks as a singer and you know it.  Fuck all of you.

  Randy: “That was karaoke, vocally it wasn’t good at all”.
  Paula: “You’re a lovable guy”.
  Simon: “Utterly horrendous.” “It was as bad as anything we see at the beginning of American Idol”.  “I know it was funny for awhile, but based on the fact that we are supposed to be finding an American Idol, it was hideous.”
  Seacrest: “If Sanjaya nailed it would Simon ever say so?”
  Simon “I liked him last week big mouth.” It’s true.  God I hope that crap was enough to crush this terrible lack of talent.

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• Lakisha Jones - Jesus Take The Wheel.  Why would you sing Carrie Underwood on this show?  Donna; “You’re only inviting comparisons to, oh, I dunno, Carrie fucking Underwood on this show.” Yep.  Another shitty choice that won’t live up to the potential she showed in the prelims.  Martina loves her, but I don’t think she realizes that LaKisha in rehearsals and small rooms is not LaKisha on the big stage.  LaKisha falls apart every time she performs - it’s only her raw talent that has kept her in this far.

  The difference between LaKisha and Jordin is obvious here; they’re doing the same type of song, designed to hit the same emotional core and also designed to be sung the same way...she’s dull and boring in the verse, and then blows the notes in the chorus and goes way sharp.  I’m telling you, she’s a great church singer who can’t hack the pressure of the big stage.  OH!  during the line “gimme one more chance” she went from sharp to flat to sharp, then wailed like a screechy cat for the rest of the song.  Bad notes all the way through.  She was rarely on key for any of that.

  Randy: “Had some pitch problem...wasn’t my favorite vocal of yours.  I think you could have done more with it to make it in your wheelhouse as a gospel girl”.  EXACTLY RIGHT.  She tried to do a Carrie Underwood impression and failed.
  Paula: “I’m gonna have to agree with Randy...”.  “It sounded a little bit like you were shouting...” Yes.
  Simon: “It’s like eating a hamburger for breakfast, it doesn’t go together, and I don’t think you and that song went together”.  He’s also mentioning the shouting, and that she used to be the one to beat but needs to pick better songs.

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• Chris Richardson - Mayberry by Rascal Flatts.  Martina thinks he can do the country, and he’s a Virgina/Niorth Carolina boy, so...let’s see if he tries to Timberfake it again.

  It starts a little Timberfake-y.  Warbling runs instead of notes to open...but the bridge isn’t bad, he started to let go a little, but then the chorus goes maybe halfway backward.  With some rehearsal and a good producer to tell him where his mistakes are, he actually might be able to sing this kind of thing well.  As he gets back into the verse again it;s pretty good, less trying-so-hard and more of that letting go thing.  His Timberfakiness seems to be a side effect of him over-thinking and over-performing and trying to be R&B.  When he stops thinking about it and gets outside of pop and R&B he’s much better.

  Randy: “Couple pitch things - nasally - I felt lost during the song”.  Really?  I actually felt he connected with the material pretty well.  We seem to always have the exact opposite reaction to whatever the judges say about Chris.
  Paula: Paula of course agrees with the first thing she hears.
  Simon: “What I heard was a non-descript, nasally, tinny vocal which had no impact on me at all”.  See?  Opposite.

  Chris points out to Simon that nasally is a form of singing...now, Donna says the singer of Rascal Flatts has a nasally voice.  So, one of two things here: One, he’s just doing an impression, which is not good, or Two, he’s paying tribute and Simon just doesn’t dig that twangy, nasally country sound.  Which I could totally understand.  Simon wouldn’t know if it were true or not, he simply doesn’t like or listen to country.  So...this could go either way, some will dislike Chris for speaking out and some will be glad he put Simon a little bit in his place.

  OK, now I get why they mentioned Virgina Tech, Chris knows a lot of people there.  OK, I retract my complaint.

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• Melinda Doolittle is next.  OK, here’s a scary thing - as nutty as that outfit is (it’s like a halter top but full length to the mid-thigh) she looks better than most weeks.  Less Shrek-y.  Her song is Trouble Is A Woman by Julie Reeves.

  Once again...not anything new to say.  She sold it, she owned the stage, and she sang the song perfectly.  Now...it’s not a “singer’s song” meaning nowhere to really belt it and show off like Jordin had in her song.  That having been said, there’s nothing bad to say about Melinda’s performance.  The problem is song choice...the song just isn’t enough to hold your attention to one person on a stage alone.  It’s a great dancing song, a regular boot scoot boogie, as it were, but just not right for this kind of show and this kind of competition.  Still, she’ll be fine.

  Randy: “Another solid performance from our resident pro...”.  yep.
  Paula: “A girl who knows how to pick the right song and sing her heart out”.  Err?  No.
  Simon: “It was fantastic”.  he actually warned her to lose the surprise.  “I actually saw a little Tina Turner...” sure, I could see a bit of that when she was strutting.

  Seacrest mentions Blake’s name and the crowd goes nuts.  That kid is gonna be the one who actually sells records after this show is over.

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• Blake Lewis - When The Stars Go Blue, Tim McGraw.  Martina said (name-droppingly) that Tim himself told her he hoped that someone would do this song on Idol.

  OK, here’s a weird thing I picked up...Blake has a tendency of eye-checking the band for the timing.  Smart move...who knows what the on-stage mix is like, and he stays on beat by constantly eye-checking the band and counting off in little ways, with his feet, squeezes on the mike...a very pro move.

  Second thing - he looks terrified.  But.

  He nailed this song.  He gave it a little Coldplay contemporary vocal style, and took Martina’s advice to do the falsetto in a softer way.  He also hit this interesting note that starts in a soft false and ends in a full note with power.  I liked it.  In fact I couldn’t hardly tell that was ever a country song.  It could have easily been a British pop/rock ballad.  Once again I liked Blake the best as far as “would I want that on my iPod.” Jordin out-sang him, but I want to pay money for Blake’s performance.

  Randy: “You picked the right song for yourself and the arrangement suited you...that was very nice”.
  Paula: “You kinda have the whole package...great song for you”.
  Simon: “It wasn’t a jumping out of my chair performance, I thought it was OK”.  Simon never gets blake. 

  Simon also mentioned the VT thing again and that it has been a tricky week for these guys.

  1-866-IDOLS-07
  

Bottom three predictions - we both think the same:  Phil Stacey, LaKisha Jones, Sanjaya Malakar.  They’ll boot Phil.  Powerball pick if Sanjaya isn’t bottom three: Chris Richardson.

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• Uh-oh, Paula’s drunk again..but now it’s the group song!  FFWD.
• 5000 people have submitted songs for the original composition competition.  Oh dear God.
• Montage of regular people talking about the show.  PLEASE KILL ME.
• A-KON singing.  Goodbye.  FFWD.  All of this bullshit is designed to sell more ad time.
• The morphing Ford commercial has to be the worst yet.  Only idiots could possibly like this shit.  Except you , honey.  You’re not an idiot.  *cough* iluvudontkillme
• Africa/guilt trip.  FFWD.  Comedy bit with Tony Bennett that is spectacularly unfunny - FFWD.  A half-a-fucking hour in and we haven’t talked about who is going to be eliminated.  And they wonder why the ratings are down.
• Latin show recap - FFWD.  Talking to the contestants and Haley whined that Simon’s comments about her strategy hurt a little.  Hey, you’re the one dressing like a whore.  Shut the fuck up.
• Phil stands - bottom three.  LaKisha - safe.  There goes my long shot.  Jordin - safe.  They tease Sanjaya but skip to Melinda - safe.  Haley - bottom three.  Tease Sanjaya again.  Blake - and the ladies go APESHIT every time they say his name.  Safe by a mile.  Next Chris and Sanjaya are asked to stand together.  Sanjaya is safe, Chris is the bottom three.  Donna was three for three, I took a shot at LaKisha, so I’m 2 for 3.
• Of the bottom three, Chris is safe.
• A montage of J-Lo’s “genius.” Then we got a montage about how cool she was.  It ends with the worst fucking attempt at heterofying Sanjaya that has ever been on television as he awkwardly talks about getting J-Lo’s number.
• J-Lo lip synching to a digitally-enhanced backing track that required a computer to get her in tune...FFWD.  She looks great though.  Then she babbles about being a Paula-style “critic” which is to say never telling the truth.
• 35 million votes and Haley Scarnato gets the boot!  No more tits and ass, people!  See ya, Boobs McGee.
So we were wrong about boy/girl, but Phil goes next week, you watch!
• Next week is country week and Martina McBride is the coach.  Bong!  Delete now?  Yes, TiVo, please delete now.

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