Wed, 23 May 2007 21:21:00
American Idol Season 6 FINALE - Thank $#!@ing God.
It’s almost over. I can’t wait.
I don’t know what makes me more nauseous; the buckets of phlegm in my throat from this cold, or the fact that Sanjaya Malakar will be on my TV again. One can only hope they balance anything involving him with a shot of his sister in a low-cut shirt of some kind. ONWARD.
- Funny, the crowd in the building was far louder for Blake...but there’s no way he wins.
- “Paula, how do you feel tonight?” “Dude, do you know how good Fritos are? Oh my God. Have you ever considered the fact that they are made of corn? And they can make like, gas out of corn? When we eat Fritos, we’re eating gas!” “So, high as fuck then?
- Some fashion shit, some crappy singing, Gwen Stefani, ALL fast forwarded. Donna stopped on Clarkson so we can see if her new stuff is as bad as Clive said it was...in case you hadn’t heard, the record company hates Clarkson’s new album and tore her apart in a meeting about it. And now I know why, this is shit-tastic! I buy Clarkson as an angry young woman like I buy Gina Glocksen as a “rocker.”
- Time to recap the worst of the worst. The “Best Presentation” nominees are X-Centric, also known as Gay Panther. Isadora Furman, AKA Wounded Mentally Ill Orgasm Girl. Mararet Fowler, who we know as Fat Black Chicken Suit Lady. And the winner is: Fat Black Chicken Suit Lady. Sorry...nothing beats Gay Panther. Except maybe Fat Black Chicken Suit Lady mauling the living hell out of Seacrest. Oh dear God. We’re spending television time on this? She makes me angry. Like, “striking other people in a rage” angry. Get this ridiculous bag of OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooOoOoOoO! Bring her back! BRING HER BACK!!! BRING! HER! BACK!
- Why? SANJAYA IS ON MY TELEVISION. The “boys” are singing a group thing. There’s a reason they were all voted off. Now here comes Smokey Robinson. Sanjaya Malakar is sharing a stage with Smokey Robinson, and lo, the fourth seal did appear and open before them and a plague was released on the earth.
- Up next...The Human Beat Box - Doug E. Fresh and Blake Lewis. I was such a huge Doug E. Fresh and the Get Fresh Crew fan back in the day. I sided with their Roxanne in the Roxanne wars, I know all the words to The Show. I’m’a watch the shit out of this. :) Yo, if you didn’t know, this is called The Show.
- Fuck all that shit. That was the coolest god-damned thing I have EVER seen on American Idol. The whole fucking season was worth it for that three minutes. Blake, if you drop some old-school 80s rap like that I will buy THREE copies of your album. He needs to put out a record with ALL the old school rappers as guests and him doing ALL the tracks with his facehole. That was fun, energetic, it was everything Idol isn’t. And yet Jordin is gonna win.
- Most Original Vocal. Idol’s gotta get that last bit of mileage out of mocking the people with actual mental illnesses I guess, like Nick Zitzmann. They also include Sandie Chavez and Sholandric Stallworth, who was like a low-rent Lando Calrissian. The good news is they didn’t bring Nick back to humiliate him some more, they gave it to Sholandric. Then they ask him to sing unmiced. Wow. Funny. Great entertainment.
- The top 6 girls sing a group song - Heard It Through The Grapevine. Whoever arranges this shit - I assume Ricky Minor - should be beaten with a bass guitar until his head splits like a melon. Then Gladys Knight shows up - finally someone who can sing.
- Tony Bennett is back to sing. Holy shit! Simon Cowell got out of his chair and applauded Tony! Unfortunately...as much as I love Tony, this doesn’t sound good. I think his age is finally catching up with him. He has lost all the subtlety of his phrasing during soft singing, and his power notes were off key. Sorry Tony...no one can sing like that forever, brother.
- Award for “Best Buddies.” You know what? I’m not even going to comment on the first two. I found this shit tasteless the first time Idol exploited some of these people and I’m not cracking jokes about them now. Now, Whore One and Whore Two, AKA Jersey Bitches, AKA Bridge & Tunnel, who you may know as Antonella Barba and Amanda something or other. Them I can talk shit about. Oh wait, I just did. :) Rounding it out is the couple of Simon and Ryan. Yeah...that sort of writes itself. Not a lot to joke about there. They are what they are, not that there’s anything wrong with that. The winner is Jonathan and Kenneth. So, yeah. I’m done.
- Melinda and some R&B folks I don’t know. OK. That’s about all of that I need to see...
- Donna is so kind ot me. She skipped the last Ford commercial. That almost makes up for seeing Sanjaya. Then the two finalists get red and blue Mustangs.
- Carri Underwood doing her cover of Stand By You. This was the first Internet-only release to hit Billboard, so that’s something. And she can sing, but I still don’t dig it much.
- Clive Davis comes out to talk about Idol’s record sales. Daughtry is the big story. 2.5 million copies. Then he tries to convince us that “professional song writers” are to be thanked. Of course most of the songs he names suck, and he completely ignored the ones that tanked hard. The big success in that arena is Idol’s hiring Nashville hitmakers to write for Carrie Underwood. It doesn’t actually say anything about Idol’s process - they went outside the normal channels for her crew.
Carrie looks hot fron the waist up. The jeans with that front cutout dress thing? That was pretty trailer. :)
- African Children’s Choir - QUICKLY! Assuage your white guilt and donate more cash to some three-levels-removed bureaucratic pseudo-charity! WHY ARE YOU STILL WATCHING WHEN YOU SHOULD BE DONATING?!?
- Oh God. Oh Dear Lord, what did I do? Was it when I stole that wine from the rectory when i was 11? Was it the drugs? My out-of-wedlock sex before I was married? Was it kissing Rich Quinn in the lobby of a New Orleans hotel? JUST TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG SO I CAN REPENT AND YOU CAN SMITE SANJAYA AND END MY SUFFERING!!!!!
They give him a jokey “In a world” opening bit comparing him to Ghandi, Kennedy and MLK. Hysterical. Just frigging awesome. Did Fox hire the 1/2 Hour News Hour writers for this bit? And what do the Ido producers have over Joe Perry to make him do this? Did they just back a truck up to his house and dump the cash into the empty pool, and keep dumping until he said “When!”
This is ridiculous. I’d almost rather that Idol spent an hour making fun of retarded kids and Asperger’s sufferers. Oh great, crying girl is here too. Fuck.
WHO THE FUCK THINKS THIS MORON CAN SING? I swear to God I will beat you with my fists. As long as I live I hope I never have to see this jerkoff ever again.
- Green Day covering Working Class Hero feh.
- Taylor Hicks? Wow, his time has come and gone...he doesn’t really have it like some of thought he did. All show no go. Bye-bye.
- FUCKING CHRIST another fucking stupid fucking song. Rueben and Jordin ENOUGH. We’re not ruthless enough with this fast-forwarding. And now Bette Midler. Oh I must have pissed someone off. Fast-forward to the big notes at the end - HOLY CRAPFUCK CUMBALLS. That was awful. I think she’s singing a different song. Age gets us all in the end.
- Wait. What? What the fuck is on my screen? American Idol’s tribute to Sgt. Pepper’s? WHY? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Why not just drive a stake through Lennon’s corpse and McCartney’s living heart while you’re at it? And mine too, just so I never have to accidentally hear something like this ever again. FAST-FUCKING-FORWARD.
- Oh my GOD. It went over two hours and the Tivo didn’t get it. Fuck you, Fox. FUCK YOU. I am getting REALLY fed up with this network for so many reasons. What a complete fucking stupid waster of time. They’re trying to play games with DVR owners. KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.
Anyway, looking around at one of the Idol fan blogs I see that with 74 million votes cast, it was Jordin with the win.
Really? How shocking.
- IT’S OVER. NEVER AGAIN. Next year I will blog about the way my ass itches instead of American Idol.
Posted by JimK at 09:21 PM on May 23, 2007
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Categories: Television, American Idol
Tags:
Technorati: TV Music American Idol Paula Abdul Randy Jackson Simon Cowell Blake Lewis Jordin Sparks
Comments:
#2 Posted by Drumwaster 
on 05/24 at 12:32 AM -
Sixteen.
Happy to help. :-)
#3 Posted by jo-jo on 05/24 at 12:56 AM -
i had already known who was going to win (both based on the fact it was pre-determined, and i saw spoilers on lj), but i’m amused that my dvr cut the show off before they picked ;)
#5 Posted by JimK on 05/24 at 04:29 AM -
I saw at least three other people say the same thing. Fox keeps messing with the DVR time thing much worse than any other network.
#6 Posted by Capmeister on 05/24 at 09:03 AM -
I have a DirecTV HD-DVR (the one they use to replace HD-Tivos) and I thought maybe it was my new DVR. I guess not. (By the way--awesome HD-DVR from DirecTV.)
#7 Posted by Capmeister on 05/24 at 09:10 AM -
This might explain it: http://www.realityblurred.com/realitytv/archives/american_idol_6/2007_May_23_ratings_decline_graph
FOX exec says Idol ratings are down because of DVR usage…
So what are they doing? Fucking with DVR owners. Yeah--next season I’m watching the early insult auditions, and then that’s it.
#9 Posted by jo-jo on 05/24 at 10:40 AM -
well, first, if they’re worried about ratings, it’s time to come up with a new system that reflects dvr/tivo usage.
my dvr AND my tivo cut off the end (for some reason, we never deleted the season pass on the tivo, so we get a back up just in case our asstastic comcast dvr fucks up)
#10 Posted by Janna on 05/24 at 12:14 PM -
Ratings are down because they make us sit through 2 hours of SHIT before they actually get to the results and that was all I wanted to see.
I watched a special on the 90’s Saturday Night live and the start of the season finale for Lost.
No DVR for us so I do the channel hop thing, don’t like wht I see, change channel :-)
That’s my version of the fast forward LOL
#11 Posted by artmonkey on 05/24 at 02:30 PM -
You see the violent, brain-bleed-inducing rage this show puts people through?
...that’s exactly why I don’t watch it.
Oh, and…
...fucking yuck dude! WTF?Was it kissing Rich Quinn in the lobby of a New Orleans hotel?
#12 Posted by jo-jo on 05/24 at 02:41 PM -
...fucking yuck dude! WTF?
he was a cute guy. but that accent… maybe jim was just trying to shut him up? ;)
(was this ‘96 or ‘98?)
#13 Posted by mgnmfrc1 on 05/24 at 03:15 PM -
Why? SANJAYA IS ON MY TELEVISION.
He will never go away, sorry.
WHO THE FUCK THINKS THIS MORON CAN SING?
I must say this song with Joe Perry was the first time I actually heard a complete song from him. WHO THE FUCK COULD HAVE POSSIBLY THOUGHT THIS ASSHOLE COULD CARRY A TUNE? Must find mute button, ahhhhhhhh......... Are teenage girls really this stupid? He’s gay and can’t sing, W.T.F.?
Carrie is hot, can sing. The pseudo dress thing is an exaggeration of the long torso style coat, dress thing I think. Think of Scully. Now you queers get out of my house. Ok then.
And what do the Idol producers have over Joe Perry to make him do this?
Does Joe have a daughter? Money, and lots of it.
Taylor Hicks..wow washed up already.
Bette!! What happened to your voice? Hope you get it back.
Make it stop, please?
#14 Posted by JimK on 05/24 at 06:53 PM -
Heh...Rich Quinn.
Great guy, but very metrosexual. This was before it was a popular term. He was quite like a Jersey guy in the way he dressed and looked, only from Boston with the accent to match. And he was a bit of a homophobe. The way Vader wore a bit of black.
Lee and I would spring kisses on him at odd opportunities just to watch the INSANE ways he’d try to get away. Only once on the mouth. Mostly just trying to kiss the side of his face to make him freak out.
Good times. Hurricanes and Purple Jesuses will make people do strange things. *cough*Pat*cough*
I must have told the Pat/shit/new orleans story on the blog, right?
#16 Posted by jo-jo on 05/24 at 09:27 PM -
i don’t know if you ever told the pat story, but i tell ya, i ran through that hotel so fast i’m shocked i didn’t give myself 2 black eyes. i mean, there’s a reason why i don’t run, not with this figure… ;)
#17 Posted by JimK on 05/24 at 10:31 PM -
Why is this in the 24 category? :P
Because I have fingers like large bratwurst? ;)
#18 Posted by chrisbg99 on 05/25 at 04:45 AM -
I’ll give you credit for watching the whole season even if it was fast forward on Tivo. That is more than I’ve ever watched.
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