Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- I promise, more funny less angry this week.

- We start with a recap: Talent show, the blowup gangbang on KayJay with a special focus on Hombre’s betrayal.

- Prediction: KayJay is so fucking out of here tonight.  Donna sealed the prediction with this: “Next week he goes to meet their exes, and you can’t do that with Kristy Joe.” Yeah, that’s true.  All her exes are mental, or she has restraining orders, or like, she’s still married to them.  “Bret, this is my husband Tiny, he’s currently out on bail.  This is Rocko, he’s missing an ear from a barfight so you’ll have to speak up, and the one standing across the street is Mickey, he can’t come over here to say hello due to the restraining order, but I brought you this megaphone so you can yell shit at him.”

Oh man, that would be such awesome television.  It’s gonna suck when she gets eliminated.

- Morning in Whoreville, and the ladies are working out.  Basically they stuffed a bunch of gym equipment into a bedroom.  I imagine at this stage it smells like a combination of Whoopie Goldberg after a marathon and my cat’s ass when she gets scared.  I pity the poor intern that has to sanitize the bike seat.

- Everyone’s all torqued out over the big blowup.  KayJay decides to call hubby number 2 and “deal with it.”

I’m confused, and I’m not the only one.  She’s babbling about things “coming up” in a fairly non-sensical manner, and hubby says “So are we going through with the divorce?” Err...was it an option to not go through with it?  If Bret dumped her was she gonna run home to Restraining Order Man and throw herself on his cock mercy?

“I haven’t talked to you in weeks, and the first call I get from you is telling me you want to divorce me.” Wow.  She kept him hanging on just in case.  Pussy is some powerful shit, people.

Oh, and this kinda means she is exactly the bitch they’ve all been accusing her of being.  Doesn’t mean that the show isn’t using her obvious emotional issues against her and manipulating shit, but it’s hard to feel sorry for her when you see a segment like that.

- Douche never disappoints, I swear.

I don’t know what part is more laughable!  Is it the guyliner/mandanna combo in the douche-fessional, they “Look, I have a giant cock car” driving or the really, really bad “humor” on display?  Six of one, half dozen of the other I suppose.

- Big John calls everyone in.  BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: No bandanna, slicked-back hair, no guyliner.  It’s almost a normal look.  The lyricnotepoemcrap starts with naming them the Sexy Six, which is so freaking original...he tells them to use his lyrics as a guide.

KayJay wants to talk to Douche, but he;s out cruising in his penismobile, with the top down and a mandanna firmly affixed.  I KNOW YOU HAVE A FERARRI, BRET.  Just wanted to make it clear that I know.

So KayJay getting cry-y and drama’d up that she can’t find him.  Enter Actress Number Two from stage left.  Hombre/KayJay confro, y’all.

- Hombre is trying to tell her to keep it together, and KayJay told her about the hubby call.  “You did that on the phone?” Yep.  She did.  “I guess I’m surprised because I thought you already did it.” Yep.  me too.  I assume everyone thought that, since KayJay really, really sold that idea...although she never actually *stated* it.  Hombre asks if KayJay is now open to Bret since she “released” her husband.  The answer is yes. And KayJay wants to tell him but she can’t find him.

Yeah.  That.

Hombre to KayJay: “No fucking wonder Bret doesn’t trust you.” Yeah.  That.  Commercial.

- Back.  Another Big John gathering of the ladies for the Douche.  Awesome-ometer; 1.  Today is “Shoot a video for my shit-tastic solo music and argue a lot while you do it but we’re shooting it in high def just in case one of you looks super hot, that way I can use the raw footage later to add to the real video for whatever horrible song I got VH1 to agree to air as part of the package for me doing this show again, ever though all this young pussy is kind of awesome and payment enough.  I’m Bret Michaels and I approve this douchery.” day.

- The two songs they have to make videos for “Go That Far” and “Fallen.”

Dude!  Johnny Reznik called and wants his hair back.  Dean, if you don’t know, is one of the better music directors out there.  Manson’s “Sweet Dreams” cover is a fucked-up video, and no matter how you feel about Manson or the cover, that vid stays with you.  He also did a bunch of other good videos.  Not sure why he’s doing this show, but VH1 gets everyone in the end.

- Two teams.  Each team gets a creative director who gets the solo date tonight, and the other two get an “awesome” date with Douche.  Awesome-ometer; 2.  Hombre wants to direct.  3 hours to do it.  Team 1; Fivehead, Superworms and Muppetface, Team 2 is KayJay, Hombre and Chazz.

- Hombre leads her team, but Daisy gave it up to Destiney...odd.  Why would she be so excited about this and obviously want a solo date so badly, but let Superworms take the reigns?  Oh wait...so they can have some infighting and bitchiness after KayJay leaves...this is setting up Destiney Hates Daisy.

Awesome-ometer; 3.

- Team 1 gets to do “Go That Far”

Oh.  My.  God.  He just re-used the Rock of Love theme.  Or re-used this song for the RoL theme.  Why would he make it so obvious and use it in the show?  It just comes off as SO fucking lame.

- Team 2 gets “Fallen.”

One day rockers are going to have to realize that Home Sweet Home was the absolute pinnacle of “We’re on the road and touring sucks” songs and videos.  IT’S OVER.  YOU WON’T EVER DO IT THAT GOOD AGAIN.  before that Bob Seger owned the title with the live version of “Turn The Page.” Crue came in and took that shit.  They own it now, it belongs to them.  Stop trying.

We don’t fucking care how hard it is on the road, gentlemen.  If it’s so fucking hard, stay home and have sex with your insanely hot wives and/or girlfriends, drive your insanely expensive cars and eat at insanely expensive restaurants.  Just stop fucking whining about it already.

- Apparently Destiney has “done music videos” before according to Fivehead.  Nothing I can find under either of her names (Destiney Moore or Destiney Sue Walker) but she has been in a couple of films, most recently ”Georgia Rule.”

- Montage of the process.  Oh shock and surprise, Muppetface and Superworms are clashing. 

Jesus, she really looks like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Meanwhile, Hombre has KayJay crying and laying in bed for the video. Chazz-fessional: “That’s the same thing she does every day.” Hey, work with what you know.

- Cut to Daisy running the camera.  Nice outfit.  Conducive to being a camera operator.  ;) Also note Dean’s attentiveness.  It looks like one of those scenes where the guy is trying to teach the girl to play pool in a cheesy porno, or nighttime soap.  Also, the record button confused her.

- Hombre is taking this seriously and since the other tards are monopolizing Dean, Hombre decides she doesn’t need his help.  Hoo boy.  That might backfire.

Hombre; “Oh my God I can’t think of a more beautiful shot that that.” Very next shot:

Yeah.  I can’t help but think that you gotta think like Bret, not like a woman, or just someone with taste and sense.  Maybe the running down the stairs is nice, but hot chick slapping her big fake titties on a pole gets Bret’s attention every time.

- Montage of editing.  Dean never really went to the other team until the last 30 minutes.  Someone got their dick sucked is all I’m saying.

- Heh.  The computer that had Team 2’s clips in it crashed.  While it seems stupid to actually say this...that’s not really fair, is it?  Poor them. 

But...but...Macs don’t crash!  This is clearly special effects.

Commercial.

- Back and we’re in a tizzy!  Oh my the system is down!  The system is down, yo!  Hombre: “This is so not fair.” STAR WIPE TO; Muppetface running shit on her side while Superworms glares daggers into her skull.  CROSSFADE TO: Hombre praying while the Mac startup sound chimes away.  It’s back.  BOTTOM WIPE TO: Team 1 all talking over each other. 

- Time is called.  Time to watch the videos.  We get to see the video for “Fallen” first.

It’s...uhh...well, I suppose it’s OK.  A little art school, but hey, Oliver Stone has made a hell of a career out of mixed film stock and hacky editing. 

- Up next, the other one, with the strippers and whores and stuff.  The video for “Go That Far” in all it’s glory:

Holy shit.  The song is so so SO SO FUCKING AWFUL!  It;s so bad.  I want to sell my computers and my TV and the TiVos and everything that has a power cord, and from now on I want to live in Tibet and wear a sack and pray, and eat bugs.  Shit, I’ll even gladly accept death at the hands of the Chinese military just so that I can be assured that never, EVER in my life will I accidentally hear, see or in any way be exposed to the “art” of Bret Douchebag Michaels.

Someone help me.  How do I sell everything I own on craigslist?

- Also...and look, I know that this is a repetition to the nth degree, but for the love of Christ, look at this:

THAT IS TOO MUCH EYELINER FOR ANY HUMAN BEING.  So I thought it would be funny to make some kind of joke about how the only person to ever wear that much eyeliner was Adam Ant, only Bret is wearing more than Adam in any old pic I could find.

So there goes my joke.  Now it’s just a sad commentary on, you know...Bret’s face.

Hombre-fessional” “...boobies everywhere.  They’re so gonna win.” Nuh-uh...he’s picking yours.  Douche claims he got it...but the truth is we need one more date with KayJay before her dramatic-yet-fine ass gets the boot.  “Fallen” gets the nod.  Hombre gets a solo date.  BECAUSE REMEMBER SHE WAS ALMOST ELIMINATED.

- Superworm-fessional “I’m sad...I’m just...sad.” yes, you are.  Oh you meant because KayJay won a date!  Sorry.  I thought you meant your face.  I know it’s making me sad.

- Oh snapple.  Superworms goes apeshit on KayJay.  Poor loser.  If you’d like to call her and tell her what a bratty little shit she is, you can find her voicemail number if you look.

By the way...age range 18-35?  My ass she can play 18.  She couldn’t play 18 on Beverly Hills 90210, and that show had a 72 year old woman playing a high school kid.  If she can play 18, I can play anorexic.

- Muppetface starts sobbing over KayJay winning as well.  Aww.  I did laugh when Muppetface confessionaled her nickname for KayJay; “Krappy Joe.” That’s good shit right there.

- Time for Hombre’s date.  Douche-fessional: “We’re going to go far, far away.  To my bedroom.  Convenient. (super smug doucheyface)

WHAT A DICK.

DOUBLE AWESOME!  The rarely heard double awesome is quite a sighting.  It’s not often that a douchebag of such equisite breeding can be seen in the wild, and it’s even more rare to be honored enough to hear the double awesome mating cry of the Middle-aged Spotted Mandanna D-Bag.

Awesome-ometer: 5

- Oh my God.  or in this case, gods.  He brought a swami/guru/dress-wearing buddhabag to help him learn about Hombre’s soul.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Oh for fucking fuck’s sake.

- Satish says Bret and Ambre have known each other since the 12 century.  OK.  I can believe that.  Bret might be that old.

- Cut to: KayJay getting tweaked that she can’t talk to Bret.  CUE DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR, SOMEONE TELL KRISTY JOE IT’S TIME FOR HER SCHEDULED MELTDOWN!  She stalks toward the bedroom.  This is such a bad idea, Drama-ass!  [sassy black woman]Don’t do it, girl![/sassy black woman]

- Cut to the date, Douche is delivering some line about how he wants to be only in this moment, and the guru says “I don’t think God is an accountant.” What thee fuck?  Are you sure?  because I was raised Catholic, and they really made it seem like someone was up there counting.  if that’s true, and God isn’t an accountant, what the fuck did I say all those Hail Marys for?

- Knock on the door.

Douche-fessional: “Unless this is God...or Big John with a beer, I best not be interrupted right now.” Yeah, well, it’s the Los Angeles Greater Metropolitan Area Amateur Dramatics Society, sorry.  Nothing here but the LAGMAADS, brother.  Not God, not Big John with a beer, just Kristy Joe and eleventy three mountains of baggage and bullshit.

Oooh!  Here’s an idea: Make the guru straighten her ass out!  Get him to tell her a big fat pile of nonsense in a soothing voice!  He could tell her that the spirit of God is like a car wash, but no one is going to chamois your car for you...unless you ask for the hot wax, then it comes complimentary.  She’s so stupid she’ll fall for all of it!  She might think that the car refers to her vagina, though...but at least she’ll wax it, and we all win then.  Every time a vagina gets waxed, God creates a kitten.

Commercial.

- We’re back.  When we last broke, KayJay was knocking at the door and Douche was answering.  He tries to put her off.  “Go up to your room, because I’m going to do something really beautiful for you...” You know, he uses that line all the time, that he’s going to “do something beautiful” for women.

Does that shit work?

“Baby, I’m going to do something beautiful for you.  That’s right...loosen up...here, use this lube.  No, it’s beautiful, I promise.  You did use that enema I bought you, right?”

- Yep.  He’s siccing the swami on the psycho.  Heh.  So the swami tells her he does “chakra work.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  “Have you ever seen a sad tree?  Have you seen a frustrated ocean?  have you seen a crazy mountain?” NO, DIPSHIT, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS AREN’T SENTIENT, YOU NEW AGE - OLD AGE DOUCHERAG.

“Did you know that the whole existence is celebrating?”

Oh.  Well fuck me.  Do you have existence’s cell number, dude?  I totally want to buy it a beer.

- Cut to Douche and Hombre cuddling in an awfully camera-friendly manner.  Douche-fessional that she’s the best kisser in the house and that he’s feeling emotionally connected.  Next line out of his mouth is that he wants to make a porno.

NNnNNnNNnNOOoOOOOoOoOooOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111oneoneeleven! The last time he made a porno, he wore a weird goth wig, stared at himself the whole time and I think, if memory serves, never removed his hat.

For the love of all that is reality television, DO NOT LET THIS MAN FILM HIMSELF HAVING SEX.  The universe cannot support that much self-absorbed introspection.  It will implode.

- Cut to: Douche calling KayJay down to his room.  Fives, Daisy and Worms are on the stairs all worked up.  So Douche and Kay are talking...and she tells him she started the process of divorce.  BINGO...Bret picks up that she very strongly implied, if not stated, that was already in progress.  DING DING DING...we have our reason for elimination, folks.  She’s outta here like good fashion sense, bitches.  Fives, Daisy and Worms are still on the stairs, but Jessica is now sobbing uncontrollably.  What the effff?  Fivehead actually gives a shit?  But...why?  I’m confused.  Maybe I need a swami to tell me about moons and how feathers don’t like Chaplin movies.

- Cut to...Big John enters the...umm...living room?  I like to think of it as the “Every African Animalskin Print Ever” room.  Anyway, BIG JOHN FASHION REPORT: Mandanna, all black, light guyliner.  Ever-so-slight gay bear vibe.  He drops a note for the double date.  Wait, is this the whole next day?  How’d we get here so fast?

Also, Kristy Joe may be nuts, but the kid can dress.

Well, half dress anyway.

- Date time.  He’s taking them to the Shade Hotel.  It seems to be an overpriced no-tell motel.

Awesome-ometer; 6.

Dinner and making out, then Chazz mounts Brett.  I mean like a fucking pony.

KayJay just leaves.  Chazz wants to slow his roll and talk to him for a second.  Chazz: “Don’t look away.” Douche: “I’m not looking away, I’m looking at your tits.” CLASSY!  All class and charm, this one.  Then he makes out with Chazz while KayJay waits inside.

*sigh* She’s so off this show.  Awesome-ometer; 7

- He goes in to find KayJay, then takes her outside alone.  She has this weird tendency to play like a thirteen year old when she’s “flirting.” By wich I mean she hits, and insults lightly and stuff.  It’s retarded.  But she’s hot, so dudes put up with it.  Chazz comes back and cuts ithe whole thing off.  Back to the house.  KayJay fails at life.  Say goodbye to Hollywood.  Say goodbye my baby.

Still.  Let’s take one last look at her in that top:

We’ll miss you, kid.  or them, at least.

- Back at the house.  Time for Bret to prep for elimination time.  Cut to; HOMBRE AND KAYJAY FIGHT TO THE DEATH, SCENE 1 TAKE 1.

Uhh, can we get makeup in here to take five to seven years off her please?

She basically tells KayJay to fuck off.  Commercial.  almost done!

- We’re back.  The usual clips of which girl is worried, Douche telling us this is hard, etc.  He’s carrying a gift box of some kind.  Bret douche-fessionals that he has a heartfelt connection to each of them...except in the segment earlier he just told us he doesn’t have a real connection to Chazz yet.

[rollins]CUZ YOU’RE A LIAR, LIAR[/rollins]

Awesome-ometer: 8

- And we begin.  First pass goes to someone who is “mostly sane” and who he has known since the 12th century.  Hombre gets a pass.  Douche-fessional about how he wants to know if they are gonna have sex after all these years.  sigh Also, her halter top/bra/hippy skirt outfit looks like she might have gotten dressed in the dark.

Awesome-ometer: 9

- Next pass goes to: Muppetface.  She wants to stay with him forever.  Fivehead gets a pass.  He does that “will you stay in this house, possibly wearing _____” line again, which means he doesn’t actually like her at all.  He’s only ever said that to women he eliminates.  It;s a line designed to flatter them and make them think that he thinks more of them than he really does.

Awesome-ometer: 10

- Up next we get a pass for Destiney.  Chazz is worried.  Dunno why, she read the script.  One pass left.  Kristy Joe and Megan.  Oh KayJay is so the fuck out of this house.  He calls her down and starts giving her a speech about how they have a roller coaster relation ship and she’s tried to leave him “more times than my relationship of eight years” which is weird, because he has to be talking about Kristy Lynn.  And........commercial.

- Back.  They keep hinting that KayJay is staying.  Picking it up from the “There’s just one thing I need to know from you.” He asks her if she’ll stay.  Big pause.  She says no!  Wow.  Dude.

Chazz-fessional: “I can’t believe that Bret is gonna leave the decision on if I stay or go in Kristy Joe’s hands.” That’s because you are meat, sweetie.  Nothing but a warm hole.  he doesn’t give a shit about you, so remember that next week when you are “fighting” for him.  He picked crazy girl over you.

- So KayJay is hemming and hawing and talking about her shit she needs to deal with.  JUST GO.  Seriously this is stupid.  I can’t believe this is the way they chose to get her out of here.  This is lame.  She bails though, and Bret swears he intended to keep her.  Nonsense.  Not sure why they wrote it like this.

- Douche confessionals that this is the wrong place and the wrong time, but maybe in the future they will find each other again.  Didn’t he say that exact same thing about Heather last year?

Douche.

Oh, and KayJay says she had to go home and take care of her business, they were in love, he could have been the one.  Whatever.

- Now, here’s more of that Bret Michaels class. He tells her how he understands, all that shit.  he confessionals it too.  As he breaks the hug with KayJay and walks back inside, he casually and carelessly throws her pass on the ground.

That guy is such an asshole.

- Back in the room, and it’s time to give Chazz her consolation prize!  You win a pass by default!  Aren’t you thrilled!?!?  He asks Megan to stay, and he was all devastated by KayJay leaving so he just walks out.  No beers?  OH MY GOD NO BEERS!

- Megan says she’s just gonna move on and concentrate on her and Bret.  Fuck, she is a dumb one, ain’t she?

Scenes from the next; The exes.  And Heather.  Uhh...odd.  She’s equated to their exes.  Interesting.  Stripper ShowMyTits has everyone getting hammered and naked, so yeah...same old Heather!

Umm.  Holy fuck.  Daisy’s ex:

Wow. He looks like Glen Danzig and Nikki Sixx had a baby, and Pete Wentz was it’s nanny.  No wonder she loves Bret.  Some drama develops.  So that will be a thing.

See you next week!

Less

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed and/or Fivehead, mostly just Fivehead.  Because it’s enormous.
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- No video caps for this week...my copy of the show refuses to sync audio with what is happening on the screen.  Sorry!

- Recap from last week: Featured Muppetface and KayJay having a connection to Douche, plus forcasting the “getting back in the game” of SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, GAME PLAYS YOU!

I really have to stop doing that.

- Another morning at Villa de Douche.

- We start right out on the “Inna needs to reconnect to Bret” storyline.  She zeroes in on him out by the pool.  They have a superficial totally scripted heart-to-heart conversation where he tells her he wants to know she likes him, but he doesn’t “need a parade” with her “holding up a sign.” Then he douche-fessionals that he wants her to “step up and take a swing.” So in other words, he wants a parade with her holding up a sign.  Such a two-faced dick.

- Big John calls them into the main room for the “poetry” of the day.  i apologize to all past, present and future poets for using that word in conjunction with anything written for Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.  John is guylined up again.  *sigh* Oh, and the note was fairly cryptic, it just told them to get “pretty” and get in the foyer or something.

In 1956, these ladies were probably total pieces of ass.  Only you would get slapped in the fucking mouth for saying that.  Even though it was probably true. 

- While I’m wandering down the lane of the past: Just picture it: imagine that one of the first things they put on TV was a competition where 20 women like these two competed to date some has-been big band trombone player.  And some fat fuck wrote stories in the paper every week calling them whores, mocking their looks, intellect and actions.

Wait, did I just pwn myself?  Ignore that. 

- By the way, Douche said he just got back from a tour in Iraq...so that’s a point in his favor.  It helps mitigate the douchiness.  I fully expect him to spend that every point in the anti-douche account in the next 90 seconds.

- The ladies are Shirley Claire and Joan Arlene, and in a failing of the information superhightubes, I can’t find jack about either one of them.

- The challenge: The “ladies” of RoL have to put together a USO-style show.  3 duos, one solo.  Winner gets: you guessed it, a date with Douche.  What a prize.

- Chazz wants to team up with Fivehead and hula-hoop.  I’m not sure she can remember to always spin in the same direction.  I kind of expect her to stop after two or three rotations and need someone to remind her that she was going around in the same direction as those funny arm thingies that spin around that time-telling thingy people have on their walls.

Daisy is singing and wants to solo it.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and Superworms will be dancing.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, WORMS DANCE ON YOU!  OK, that doesn’t even make any sense anymore.

Hombre and KayJay are doing some weird comedy/tap routine.  I don’t even know what the fuck she’s talking about. She’s gonna tell jokes and then Hombre taps after the punchline?  For fuck’s sake, just whip out your titties and call it a day.

- Chazz and Fivehead are reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while hula hooping.  Needless to say Chazz doesn’t understand anything that is going on.

- SRB and Superworms are trying to learn choreography.  I guess they only get an hour to learn this stuff.  Joan Arlene is on crabby old coot, I tell you whut.  She’s barking at yelling at them.  It’s a VH1 reality show, Joan.  And these women are one step above meth whores.  Don’t expect too much.

- KayJay and Hombre are doing a routine where Kristy Joe doesn’t know how to tap, and Ambre comically “teaches” her.  I assume it end with a “Oh look, she’s really good in 90 seconds! finish or something.  Hy-fucking-sterical! /not.

- Daisy is butchering the Star Spangled Banner.  Oh my.

- Time to go.  We get reminded yet again that Inna need to re-connect with Douche.  They’re not even trying at all to hide how fake and scripted these storylines are anymore.  Commercial.

- Performance time.  The audience are all vets.  We see the ladies getting ready.

Well, I know who I call as the winners.  No matter how awful they are.

- Rehearsals aren’t going well.  Joan is being pretty mean to SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, and SRB snaps.  I’ll be honest, I can see why, at least with the footage we’re being shown.  Joan has that ‘I’m old and I don’t give a fuck what you think about anything” attitude that drives people up a wall.  On the one hand she deserves respect, but on the other hand, she’s not just not respecting Inna, she’s actively disrespecting her.

- Showtime.

Bret keeps talking about how important this is, how he supports our troops, how this is for the troops etc.  Here’s the stupid disconnect in the scenario VH1 put together here: these are older vets.  WW2, Korea, there might be a Vietnam guy or two in here.  That’s it.  There are no “troops” per se.  By no means to I mean to denigrate a single one of these vets; on the contrary, I offer nothing but respect and admiration.  Knowing that, I would not subject them to these sluts for even one hot minute.  These used-up cumrags are barely good enough to entertain active duty troops in a war zone after hours.  If you are going to use the “ladies” on this show, you don’t put them in front of old men and demand that the bimbos be respectful; you put them in front of a howling group of young, adrenaline-fueled soldiers and tell the whores to get their fucking kit off, doubletime.

On the other hand, this is supposed to fail spectacularly, so as to create more footage for this show.  So let’s just play along, shall we?  ;)

- Bill Dwyer hosts.  He’s as funny as AIDS, and not the funny kind of AIDS like on Family Guy.  He intros the first act: Stars & Taps.

Uhh...Douche kind of summed it up here: Watching KayJay was like “watching a monkey on crack.” They didn’t do what they planned, which was a thing where Hombre would sort of tap around KayJay in a “professional” manner and KayJay would comically attempt to re-create the steps.  Instead, KayJay just tapped next to Ambre, really, really badly.  No punchline or anything...she just sucked.  So that was a thing that happened.

These poor vets.

- Up next: “Hula Hoops for our troops.” Bill Dwyer, I hope VH1 paid you a fucking Brinks truck full of money for this, and Bret told a couple of these “ladies” to “take care of you.” Otherwise you made a total jackass of yourself for nothing. 

Wait, looking at your IMDB page, I take that back.  This is a step up for you.

They tried to play this like they did a horrible strip thing and shocked the audience, but they only went to bathing-suit-type shit.

- Douchefessional: “The general and I salute them.” The general being his cock.  Classy as always.

- Up next it’s the “Rock of Love Rockets.” Also known as UKRAINIAN LOVE BUS TOURS WORM FARM WHENEVER GOVERNMENT GIVE PETROL COUPONS. 

They start out OK, but quickly devolve into just stripping.  Like, sleazy, Angelique-esque whore stripping, not a nice, simple teasing kind of deal.  It’s hard to quantify but that was over the line, probably.  See my earlier rant though.  What the hell did anyone expect?

- Last up is Daisy. 

Uhh...Oh my...what the frig?  GOD I wish I could vidcap this part.  The vets all rise and sing along.  She’s not just off key, she’s in eleven different keys, three volumes and four different variations of huskiness.  Oh shit she just screwed the words up so, so badly.  She has the words in front of her! 

No.  No stop.  How utterly stupid does a person have to be to fuck up a song when they are READING ALONG WITH A LYRIC SHEET?  I expect that sort of thing from Chazz.  Maybe Daisy is just as dumb.  She’s like a stealth dumb.  It’s the kind of dumb you don’t see until it’s too late and she’s already dropped her payload of stupid on your head, and your house is on fire and your dog is dead, and she’s skipping away down the street singing ‘It’s time to get things started, it’s time to light the lights.”

- The vets get to pick the winner, by applause.  We’re reminded, for the seven-hundred and ninety-sixth time, that this is important to Inna.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  And your winner is...you can just feel the dramatic tension...the applause-o-meter is a nice touch...HULA HOOPS FOR OUR TROOPS is your big, big winner.

It was the Constitution that did it.  Fivehead and Chazz get the date.

- Back to the Douche Crib.We get our first “awesome” of the episode from Douche..."they did an awesome job.” OK, if you say so.  he made them a special dinner.  “Tonight’s a party night.” And this would be different from any other night how?

- Around the table, and Douche decides to read from his script ask a provocative question. “Who is here for the right reasons and who is here for the wrong reasons.” Gee, is this designed to start a catfight?  Why, I nevah!

He keep pushing it until someone says something nasty.  He keeps douchefessionaling that he wants more.  His speech keeps getting worse until Hombre decides to throw KayJay////OK that was weird, Hombre just said as I was typing “I’m not one to throw somebody under the bus.” Well then don’t, or you are exactly the one to throw somebody under the bus.  Besides, she’s here to further her acting career anyway, so what the frig?  Oh, she’s getting so emotional!  I totally want to hire her to play rape victim number four on CSI Miami!  She’s so talented.

So anyway, she starts in on KayJay.  She’s calling KayJay out about being all involved with her ex, which is 100% true, but she also accuses her of being two-faced, which is hilarious coming from Actressgirl.

Kristy Joe confessionals that she’s “appalled.” Her response is basically that she doesn’t care what they think, just what Douche thinks.  He of course throws gas on the fire.  They all start piling on KayJay.  This is such a setup, designed to make her cry and get “good footage” for the show.  Essentially it boils down to Kristy Joe doesn’t want to talk about her feelings in front of the other girls.

Now it evolves into some kind of stupid argument between Superworms and KayJay about arguing. 

Then Douchebag Michaels does his usual: backstabs a woman.  KayJay stops arguing with Superworms and looks at Bret and says ‘I don’t feel that I have to answer to them, I’m not here for them.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with that on ANY level.  Objectively, if this show were real people and not a fucking cartoon, that answer should satisfy Douche.  But it doesn’t, because he’s a douchebag.  he replies with “I understand you’re not here for them, but here’s what I’m sayin to you: are you fuckin’ here for me or not? Cuz at this point I can’t tell you that I buy it.”

Asshole.  Yes, she’s got baggage.  Yes, she’s still a little attached to her ex.  But she’s obviously having some kind of connection to you, and also, in addition, is horribly, horribly uncomfortable having this conversation in front of these viper piranha whorebags.

Jesus he’s such a phony.  This is so a performance for the cameras.  If I were in this house...and since I have a brain and a modicum of self-respect I wouldn’t be, but if I were, this right here would make me walk out.  He’s shitting all over her and playing on every weakness he knows she has.  This reminds me so much of when he let Heather get that tattoo...it shows that no matter how charming and sweet he may seem when you meet him after a concert, Bret Michaels is a manipulative, fame-hungry misogynistic douchebag who will fuck with anyone’s life as long as it extends his career by five more minutes.

I can’t believe any of these women would want to be anywhere near him after this.  Oh, and some of the girls are NOT participating in this emotional gang-rape, by the way.  Daisy, Inna and Jessica are silent as church mice.

Dinner over.  Douche walks out.  “At this point, I’m pissed, I want to be left alone.” You started this, dickface.

- KayJay goes up to her room and starts packing.  Chazz tells Hombre that Hombre said what everyone else wanted to say.  Oh, so you’re all lying cunts except for the actress?  Got it.  Hombre confessionals that she feels like she “betrayed” Kristy Joe.  Ya think?

- Bret decides to track KayJay down.  he finds her packing and asks her what she’s doing.  her reply might be one of the only real things ever said on this show to date: “I can’t stay here and be fucking fed to the wolves every fucking day and be attacked every fucking day they do it every fucking day.”

You know what?  I don’t feel like making jokes about this right now.  That is PRECISELY what this show and Bret Michaels are doing.  They are feeding Kristy Joe to that pack of wolves and creating scenarios just to capture her breaking down on camera.  It’s fucked up, and it stopped feeling like fun about five minutes ago.

Bret, you are a douchebag.  Not in a “Hot Chicks With Douchebags,” “ha-ha what a rock star, that guy, tee hee” kind of way, but in a “You are an awful human being” kind of way.  Right now I am sorry I ever started watching this show.  I actually feel a little ashamed of being a (however insignificant) part of this.

- He confessionals that he likes crazy girls but this one may be too crazy.” Asshole.  Then he takes her to his room to talk so the wolf pack can’t overhear.

- He basically says that her talk about leaving confuses the other girls and him.  Dude, she’s a human being with issues and this is a fucked up situation!  You’re making women actually compete for your attention!  What the fucking hell...seriously this really isn’t fun.  I feel like *I* am the big asshole for letting VH1 know I watched this.

Her response is, once again, totally reasonable.  She says she needs to be able to trust him as well.  Yeah, umm...no.  It doesn’t matter what you want or need, sweetheart.  You’re an adornment for his life.  You aren’t a real person.  You are a trophy, a decoration, a warm hole for him to fuck in front of a mirror so he feels less empty, even while he stares only at his own reflection.

His response is typical Bret...he douche-fessionals that “She wants to know if I really want her here or want her to go, Problem is, I don’t know her at all.”

Holy fucking fuck.  First of all I can’t believe I can’t vidcap this so you can hear the cold sarcasm and disdain in his voice.  Secondly, he knows more about her and her life than he does about any of these others.  third, THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE, ASSHOLE!  You’re supposed to be getting to know them, and instead you keep showing off for the fucking camera.

Oh fucking hell, I am taking this way, way too seriously.  How anyone could take this guy seriously, I just don’t know:

OK, we need to wrap this segment up and get back to the jokes.  Commercial.  Thank fuck.

- We’re back after a short break, and it’s jokey times up in this piece.  I gotta stop thinking this is any kind of real.

- Fivehead and Chazz get to go on a date.  Awesome-ometer: 2.  Everyone’s all dramatic.  Jesus, Superworms is rough first thing in the A.M.! 

That’s like a Hollywood version of Fidel Castro with slightly less facial hair.

- Hombre has to try to clear things up.  Wow.  never saw that coming!  Another chance for dramatics!  Color me shocked.

- The date is at some place called ”Ed Hardy” which seems to be a store where you can buy horribly ugly clothing that even Bret should consider God-awful, all based on the tattoo art of Don Ed Hardy.  Jesus Christ, it’s like every tattoo cliche in the world exploded inside a Horrible Rocker Clothing factory, and then they shipped the debris to a landfill wher it was crushed under the weight of three thousand tons of Sturgess brand Cliche Biker Gear, and the resulting slime that oozed out eventually took the shape of Von Dutch trucker hats.

Some “designer” dude is making a “couture” piece of “artwork” for them, I guess that’s the date.

- Chazz says it’s pathetic that Fivehead is excited that someone is taking her shopping.  Well maybe she doesn’t rent out her ladybusiness to the highest bidder every evening, you fucking jizzmop.

- Uhh...the “designer” just took a pair of scissors to a t-shirt.  That’s his “couture?”

People in Los Angeles (and any Hot Topic) will buy fucking anything.

- Back at the ranch.  Hombre asks KayJay to talk.  She’s kind of being bitchy and trying to make KayJay talk.  KayJay’s confessional is basically that she couldn’t give a fuck if Ambre needs to talk because she feels guilty.  Hombre apologizes and promises in the future to only come to her with any issues she has.  KayJay couldn’t be fucked to care one way or the other, and I don’t blame her.

Can I just say here that while I am defending Kristy Joe here, I know she;s a neurotic bundle of mess and should have never come on this show in the first place?  I also think she should get eliminated tonight if for no other reason than to end the bullshit with her ex baggage.  It would also be the first kind thing Bret or this show has done for her.  Cut her loose.  She’s unstable and you’re taking advantage of that, VH1.

- Date: lunch time.  What the fuck is Fivehead wearing on her giant melon?  Jesus!

They sell that shit?  It looks like a blind mental patient attacked a giant-headed trucker with a Bedazzler!  That’s fucking horrible.  And it makes her fivehead look like a sevenhead.

- The gossip starts about Inna of all people, and just to illustrate what a lame fucking douchebag he is, Bret actually says “A-what’s-a-goins-on with her?” Seriously.  he said it exactly like that.  Imagine it in a really lame “I’m country and rocker and cool” douchey voice with half a mouthful of food.

So the Inna issue is that SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD yelled at Joan.  They are totally twisting it.  Look, the fact is that Joan was a real bitch to the girls.  Doesn’t matter.  The wolves are circling another weak member of the herd.

PREDICTION: Inna is getting eliminated.  KayJay will be last to get a pass, and she’s out next week.  Commercial.

- SIDEBAR.  Just when I thought that Fox had set the bar as low as it could be with that lie detector show, I catch this:

See, I get that this show is allegedly going to be about the stage mothers and what maniacs they are, but the kids will still be here, and VH1 will actively be setting up situations where these kids will get fucked up for life.  It’s like Fox and VH1 are in a race to see who can get to the bottom of the barrel first.

- We’re back.  Almost done.

Hmm.  Looks like everyone’s dressed for a funeral except Fivehead.

- Superworms wants KayJay’s ass.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is worried.  Hombre is worried.  Douche is wearing a fucking shit-ton of eyeliner again.  Same as it ever was.

- Oh my.  In talking about who he was gonna give the first pass to, he said “This is someone who I want to stay in this house because I want a great relationship with no drama, but I also want no mediocracy in my life.”

Last year in week 7, Douchebag used the word ”mediocracy” while talking to Lacey.  This is what I said then:

“I just want to say this to you. You’re crazy, and as we have talk about...our mediocracy today...and how much I despise mediocracy because I don’t really relate to it...and being creative artists we both understand that...I just want you to realize that in my heart, that I feel that i have a connection to you and the fact that you are crazy for me umm, lets me know where you stand.”

DOUCHE. BAG. By the way, Mr. Aging Rock Star, the word you’re trying to say defines part of your artistic life is mediocriTy. With a “T.” Mee-dee-ock-rih-TEE. You stupid fuck.

Yeah.  That.  Again.

Oh, so the first pass goes to Hombre.  Remember, she was the one that almost got cut, remember!  Also, don’t forget that she almost got cut.  because, if you’ll remember, she wasn’t supposed to make it this far because she almost got cut!  /script.

Awesome-ometer; 3.

- Next pass goes to Superworms.  He said she dresses sexy and is lookin’ beautiful.  ON WHAT PLANET?

- Correction: Kristy Joe’s dress actually looks like she’s going to a goth prom, not a funeral.

- Next pass goes to Fivehead.  For what fucking reason i don’t know.  She’s blonde, I guess, and he will eventually cut all non-blondes.

- Next pass goes to Chazz.  Blonde, stupid, hot-as-fuck body.  Of course he’s keeping her.  Awesome-ometer: 4.

- Two left.  We get reminded yet again that Inna and Bret have drifted apart.  WE FUCKING GET IT VH1!  We’re not goldfish.  We can remember the A storyline from earlier in the episode, especially since you’ve been hammering it into our brains the way Chazz lets Japanese businessmen hammer live squid into her vagina in exchange for dresses and sparkly shoes.

Oh come on, you know she fucks for shoes.  Are you kidding me?  She’ll fuck you for one shoe and the hope she might get the mate next week!

- I’m still amazed at “mediocracy.” And the fact that he’s still sporting that “American Outlaw” hat all the time.

- Next pass (second to last) goes to...Muppetface.  He apologizes for not spending more time with her.  Awesome-ometer: 5.

- Last pass.  Oh look!  Inna and Kristy Joe are still here.  Why, once again, I nevah!  Who could have seen this coming?  Besides Louis Braille, I mean.

- We’re back.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD versus Dramatic Baggage Lady.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BAGGAGE CARRIES YOU!

Sorry.

- The pass goes to...here comes the fakeout.  He calls Inna down. 

They confessional Superworms getting all happy...so you know it’s a fakeout.  Oh snap.  Your tour ends here, Ukrainian Love Bus.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, SOVIET RUSSIA JOKES LEAVE YOU!  Or something.  Say goodbye to that worn-out crutch of mine.  ;)

Oh, Destiney’s face when he tells Inna she’s out is priceless:

What’s that thing about chickens and counting?

- OH MY GOD THEY ARE PLAYING A BRET MICHAELS SOLO SONG AS INNA LEAVES AND MY EARS ARE THREATENING TO STAGE A REVOLUTION.  CALL FIDEL AND CHE, I NEED TO OPPRESS SOME MUSICIANS.

- Destiney is all “what the hell?” Uhh, “the hell” is that you’re an ugly bitch on the inside and out, and KayJay, while an emotional minefield to rival anything left behind in Cambodia or Laos, is hot.  You always look like you got stung in the face by angry wasps and also, coincidentally, are smelling beer farts.  Even when she cries and/or just woke up - which oddly enough often happen together given that she’s so fucking unstable - Kristy Joe looks better than you ever have or ever will.  If Christian Troy were a real doctor and he worked on you for a year, you’d still be half as pretty as Kristy Joe after she got hit in the face with a steamshovel.

That might be “the hell” to which you are referring.

- KayJay gets the pass, but she also gets a lecture from Douche.  OK, let’s get serious for just one second.  Check this out:

“Kristy Joe, before you come down here, I know there is an obvious amount of tension in this house, I think we have gotten further ahead, You’re putting your heart out there a little bit on your sleeve and letting me know where you’re really coming from, (big pause) I hope at this point that it’s not too little too late (big pause) but for now, I’d like you to come down here.”

Holy shit.  I mean, holy fucking shit.  Look at that.  It;s so carefully worded so as to destroy any tiny glimmer of self esteem she *might* have picked up from actually getting the pass at all, while still allowing her to cling to the faint hope that maybe he’s really going to pick her after all.

What a complete bastard.  He even took it so far as to alter his “catchphrase” and said “Will you continue to try (heavily emphasized) to rock my world?” Douche.  Bag.  HEY!  YOU IN THE BACK ROW!  BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG.

Just making sure that’s clear.

This is so fucked up.  They are finding any and every way they can to fuck with Kristy Joe and push her buttons.  I almost hope she snaps and starts slitting throats in the night or something.  I suppose that would have made the news if it’d happened.

Again, a boy can dream, right?

- It’s over.  Scenes from the next: They shoot music videos.  KayJay gets gand-fucked again.  Also, she tells her ex she wants a divorce.  So that’ll be fun, or horribly abusive.  One or the other.

That’s enough words now.  Goodnight!

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My initial complaint was likely the same as everyone else who saw the season finale, then this new premiere: Are you kidding me?  That’s all of the Battle of New Bern we get?  What the ever-loving hell?  I of course realize that they are compressing a 13 episode arc into 7.  I understand that they need to move forward very quickly to get us to the J&R/Ravenwood/US Army/Cheyenne storyline.  It didn’t change the fact that the first two episodes suffered greatly, though.  Knowing they were forced to compress time did not make me enjoy it more.

This week, though...the Jericho we loved was back.  Jake and the town against whatever may come.  This time it was like all the right notes were being played in the right order and they sounded good.  I even liked the soap opera out at the farm with Stanley and Mimi.  I was very happy to see that Dale has come into his own as the trader/store owner.  He’s like a mini Jake-in-training.

Speaking of Jake...not sure how I feel about what they told about his time in Iraq.  It seems forced, but then I also feel like it isn’t a newly-developed plot twist. I think it was always the plan.  I also think it’s not necessarily a negative, attack-style Hollywood storyline or anything.  That kind of things does happen.  They were pretty careful to let the viewers know that gunmen were the main targets and the four civilians that died weighed heavily on Jake’s conscience.

So what is it about D.B. Sweeney that makes you want to punch him in the face?  I can’t remember a character he’s played that I didn’t dislike.  In a good way, I mean I’m supposed to hate the guys he plays, and he’s good at it.  Looking forward to the inevitable two-bulls-clashing confrontation that will likely leave him dead at Jake’s hand.

What will Beck do when he finds out who Hawkins is?  You know he will.  I think it’s pretty clear that he’s a military man, sure, but he;s a decent man first, and I think he now knows that the Cheyenne government is rotten.  By the way, how great has Esai Morales been?  He’ll always be a combination of Paco Moreno and Raymi Rojas for me, but he’s come a long way since then…

Last question: Did the Cheyenne elements, led by Valente, plant the Hudson River virus?

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My nicknames for the lovely ladies that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname turned out to be a dramatic, crazy, crybaby nutcase.  Sometimes I might call her “Drama.”
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - Sequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon. *UPDATE* Also, as per “`” (that’s the commenter’s name!) Peggy Bundy Redux
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Sidebar: What the fuck do Salt-N-Pepa have a reality show for?  Do they hate each other now or something?  WTFBBQ?  My Tivo caught the last 60 seconds of something to which even I, watcher of virtually anything, will not stoop.

- Recap this week is some crap about the mudbowl and Daisy’s big win, plus the girls who keep losing, plus KayJay’s crazy baggage.

- We open with the usual scene of whores sleeping late...then Douche breaks tradition and wakes the girls up.  There’s no point whatsoever.  So that was a thing that happened.

- John (with bandanna, sans guyliner) hands over the poemlyricshitwriting of the day, about the cowgirl horse riding event for this episode.  Pabst Bundy Redux is excited.  She’s a horse chick.  20 bucks says a horse took her virginity, and I am not referring to any run-of-the-mill hymen breakage.  I’m talking Tijuana style, bitches.

- Back at the ranch, Douche says that “there’s a lot of country left in this long haired rocker boy.” What country?  You’re from Pennsylvania, and you moved to Los Angeles.  You’ve never lived anywhere else.  What fucking “country” you got in you?  Did you eat parts of John Denver’s corpse?

That’s probably it.  I think Bret Michaels dug up the body of John Denver and ate pieces of it just so later in life he could say he had some country in him.  Either that or he let a sheep farmer fuck him in the ass.  I bet he wishes he could quit that.

- Again we’re emphasizing the “win challenges, win dates” meme.  Then Rodeo rides out cackling like a dying hyena.  Donna notes that Rodeo gets a “confessional” type promo, while Lacey got not a god-damned word said about her.  Well, yeah.  Lacey’s a frightening cunt, besides, Douche already dipped his pen in that company inkwell.  He still needs a shot at Rodeo.

- “Rodeo’s Rockin’ Rodeo Relay.” OK.  Either Bret named that, or the PA that really ghost-writes those shit-tastic poemlyric things named it.  Also, awesome-ometer; 1.

- Three event relay.  First they have to rope a steer, then dodge the barrels of fallen cowgirls

then pull bandannas off greased pigs.  That reminds me of an old saying: You should never wrestle with greasy rockers.  You end up with thirteen social diseases, and it makes the rocker think his shit doesn’t stink.

Hey, that’s the way I heard it.

- Team captains: Hombre and PBR.  Hombre (Red team) picks Superworms, KayJay, Fivehead.  PBR (Blue team) picks SRB, Sequel, Muppetface and Chazz is left out again.  Chazz-fessional:

“Turmoil of hotness?” WTF?  OK, to be fair, she has a killer body.  But her face is...meh.  average at best.  If her head was attached to an average body, no one would ever notice her, and she would either be forced to do porn to earn money, or she’d have to sell herself into white slavery in Dubai...because fuck knows she couldn’t learn a skill or a trade.  That is one dumb bitch right there.

Oh, she doesn’t get left out...she gets to pick the team she wants to be on.  She picks PBR.  That seems unfair, but then this is a VH1 reality show full of the whoriest whores that ever whored, so what the fuck do I care about fair?

- Red team assigns duties.  KayJay is the roper, Hombre dodges barrels and Superworms and Fivehead are fighting with the pigs as they are not injured from the mudbowl.  Blue team: Sequel on the lasso, PBR running the barrels and the three other broads wrestling pigs.  See, this is where it’s not fair.  They get three people wresting pigs.  I CALL SHENANIGANS!  Someone call the UN.  This shit is against international law ro something.  Fucking Bret Michaels.  I bet he’s a terrorist.  Hey, if I stopped writing “Bret Michaels is a douchebag” and started writing “Bret Michaels is a terrorist” do you think Google, and later maybe the CIA, would pick up on it?

How awesome would that be, if I could single-handedly get Bret Michaels on a terrorist watch list?  Hey, a boy’s gotta have a dream.  A dream that doesn’t involve pickles and sun god robes, anyway.

- The challenge starts.KayJay gets an early lead, then PBR pulls ahead.  It’s all down to the pig wrestling.

- Douche thinks this is the funniest thing in his life.  As it turns out, having three chicks is no advantage.  Two all.  Daisy’s turn.  “These pigs are like, seriously, they went to college or something because they’re a lot smarter than they look.” Uhh...nevermind. 

- It’s one left each.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD vs. Fivehead.  Inna is walking her pig down like Jason Vorhees and shit.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  meanwhile, back on the ranch, SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is stalking her pig.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PIG EATS YOU!  She eats mud over and over.  Fivehead grabs her bandanna and whattya know.  Red team wins.  Who will get the solo date?  Fivehead maybe and then get cut anyway?  I mean at some point they need to show us a reason why she’s still on the god-damned show.

- Early prediction: Jessica and Catherine get cut.  That could change though.  Donna has a feeling Chazz is going.  PBR is teh upsetz.

- Awesome-ometer; 2.

- Fivehead gets the solo.  Douche manages to douche-fessional a sexual innuendo about the pigs.  What, no “makin bacon” joke?  I’m shocked.

- Awesome-ometer: 3.

- Back to the house.  PBR is doing a Dead Man Walking routine.  Hombre is really fucked up from the football game.  Both legs are all bruised and scraped and covered in cuts.

- Peg Bundy is all freaked out.  She’s 0 for 4 in the challenges.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is consoling her by the fire, but whore-fessionals that PBR can get the fuck out as far as she;s concerned.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, FACES HAVE TWO OF YOU!

- What is that firepit burning, some kind of gel fuel or something?

- Damn.  KayJay in a schoolgirl skirt.

- The group date begins.  Let us not forget, KayJay and Superworms hate each other, remember?  Even though last week she picked her for football and didn’t feud with her at all…

- They go to Opaque (Warning: audio!  So fucking annoying).  It’s the place in LA that does the “dining in total darkness” shit.  Fuck.  That.  I like to see my food.  I like to know what I am eating and how much of each element is on my fork.  I enjoy all the parts of food, not just the taste.  plus, they could be masturbating in the chicken and I would just think it was a glaze or something.  No. Fucking. Thank. You.  Plus I saw that CSI.  People die in these places.  What if Superlips decides to plunge a steak knife into KayJay’s beautiful titties?  She could borrow a pair of Soviet surplus night vision goggles from SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD and get all stabby and Gil Grissom isn’t there to solve that shit.

Commercial.

- Back, and we’re all in the darkness.  Douche-fessional; “This is what the fine girls experienced while dining in the dark.” PAUSE.  What?  First off, that’s a pretty stupid way to say “What THESE fine girls who are with me experienced.” Secondly, uhh...you know they have night vision cameras, Douche.  We’re about to see what they experienced.  What the fuck is he talking about?

UNPAUSE. Oh, I see.  he was talking about the fact that Hombre was talking while he and KayJay were all over each other. 

Nice.  Classy.  Bret Michaels is such a classy gentleman.  Of course, KayJay is whoring it up big time.

“No, I can’t find you!” He’s a lying whorebag.  Can’t find them but he seems to have located KayJay’s breasts like a fucking bat with sonar.

- So It seems that KayJay got frisky and playfighty.  I can dig it.  Apparently he can’t.

HOLY FUCKING UNMANLY, BATMAN.  Jesus.  What the hell was that?  So then he says that it wasn’t a turn on.  The fucking greased pigs get sexual innuendo, but the hot Playboy model getting frisky and playfighting with him turns him off?

Bret Michaels is a douchebag, and to be honest, not to offend my gay and bi brothers, but he might be half-a-fag too.

- Time to trade seats.  It’s probably hard to tell, but they had to mosaic Superworms’ vagina when she stood up. 

Now, I realize that in the dark she may not realize her dress was halfway over her head.  But for fuck’s sake why isn’t she wearing underwear?  That dress is awfully short to be going commando.  You’d think that would be some sort of a turn-on, but quite frankly her upper mouth-lips are so scary that the idea of what her cooze-lips look like just makes my stomach do backflips.

Uh-oh.  KayJay and Superworms go to the little girls room together, so Hombre pounces on Douche to get those sloppy seconds.  How’s Kristy Joe’s dinner taste there, Ambre?

Speaking of taste, wouldn’t you be pissed if you paid to sponsor this show and no one mentioned a word about the fucking food?  It’s probably McDonalds.

- What the fuck?  Superworms and KayJay come out of the bathroom all chummy, and Superworms has her hand on Kristy Joe’s back, like in a friendly way.

I thought they were mortal enemies?  Oh and meanwhile Douche and Hombre are getting hot and breathy.  Like, loudly.  Douche: “I want you so bad.” Dude, you just want anyone.  Literally.

And we’re out of the darkness.

- Back to the house.  The ladies are all wound up and want to hang out with Bret, but he takes KayJay into the Douche Suite.  Gee, I wonder if they will fuck? he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is trying to rile up everyone else over the fact that Douche and Drama (See them this fall only on Lifetime!) are sequestered in the STD factory Bret calls a bed.  Commercial.

- Douche is talking to KayJay...basically saying that she’s still wrapped up with her old shit.  He wants to fuck her in the butt though.  Her response is that in the dark it wasn’t really in public, with everyone else fucking with her and so forth.  Douche-fessionals that she’s emotionally unstable, but he digs crazy girls and it’s turning him on.  Which directly contradicts what he said just prior to the commercial break, but consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds.  Bret Michaels don’t need no fuckin’ consistency!  He’s married to the insatiable bitch-goddess that is rock & roll, man! 

“Fuck real feelings or any kind of honesty!  We got us a god-damned show to make!  Where all the pussy at?  Bring me some bitches to spread their meaty wings before the splendor that is my Poison-tipped arrow of love.  Chop chop!”

He asked her to stay and “hang, and watch a movie and nothing else” She’s all “lock the door.” he locked it.  So they fucked.  Everyone else is pissed.  Also, this is the “nothing else.”

- Oh my.  Daisy is so very, very upset about this.  Time passes.

- at 4:21 AM she creeps out to go back to her room.  “I’m really falling for Bret.” Oh for fuck;s sake.  Of course, KayJay is not all together mentally.  she;d probably fall for just about any half-decent looking dude who treated her like a doormat.  I’m not saying that all women who get naked for a living have daddy issues, but all women who get naked for a living have daddy issues, you know what I’m saying?

- Donna just said to me that this was douchey of Douche for another reason: it took away any chance that anyone else had to get even five minutes alone with him.  That is true, but they’ve been pushing the “win challenges and win dates or you lose out” meme for two or three weeks now.  That having been said, what the fucking fuck is Jessica still doing here?  Sure she was the big winner this week, but how did she last this long?

Top 5 reasons that Fivehead is still on Rock of Love:

5. Her father owns a tour bus rental company
4. Her uncle owns Peavey or Zildjian or some shit
3. Blowjobs
2. She has video of someone at VH1 with a dead girl or a live boy
1. Felching and bukkake.  I’ll say no more.

- Morning at the Douche crib. PBR decides to make breakfast in bed for Bret as a last-ditch effort to stay in the house.  Chazz likens PBR to an old horse you have to shoot.  Huh.  Whattya know.  Chazz says something intelligent for once.  ;)

Douche is dead asleep.  Dead out like a motherfucker.  She woke him up out of a stone cold sleep and he recognized her voice?  ‘Catherine?” Anyway, she actually told him her strategy was that if she couldn’t win a date, she’d bring one.  The dialogue is so forced and so fake.  Fuck you, VH1.  I’m not stupid...even though, like, I am watching this shit.

Douche mentions that the “No going in Bret’s room” rule is kind of out the window, he likes that they are making the effort.

- One, she’s wearing literally a fucking fuck-ton of makeup.  And B, he’s wearing his bandanna and a set of new clothes.  That he was “sleeping” in.  Really?  He sleeps in the wig and bandanna and eyeliner?  Interesting.  Anyway, she pitches herself to him.  And at him.

- It’s Fivehead date time.  They go to the desert and she’s wearing thirty-five inch heeled whore boots.  Hot boots, but fuck, he could have told her that wasn’t gonna work.  It’s paintball.

- Awesome-ometer: 4.  It’s a light “awesome” day so far.

- He’s wearing a Poison tour shirt.  You know what?  That’s kind of douchey.  What’s this? You’re wearing the shirt of the band you’re actually in? Don’t be that guy.

PCU FTW!  OMGBBQ.  IAWTC.  LOL(cat).

No, I don’t know why I keep doing that either.  It’s like I have netspeak Tourette’s.

- Douche can’t work his gun.  So she makes out with him.  get it?  IT’S A SEXUAL METAPHOR PEOPLE.

- They are paintballing against Big John, who is a former Marine.  That’s actually the wrong terminology.  There are only two former Marines.  I can’t remember the first guy’s name, but John Murtha is the second.  Every other Marine that has ever served is still a Marine in the eyes and minds of other Marines.  He finished active duty in 1993 after Desert Storm.  Ooh rah.

- They make out and the battle is on.  John is sniping from a tower like one of the American Gladiators.  They have to hit three targets without getting blown away.  The scary thing is Bret is using tactics.  He’s providing cover fire while Fivehead scurries from target to target and scores.

- They have some lunch and have the standard “I like you do you like me let;s talk about sex” conversation.  Whateverrrrrr.  Date is over.

Cut to the house.  Chazz and Muppetface are dragging some lounge chairs in from the pool and camping out in front of the Douche Suite.

They are like Fabergé eggs.  They look great, but so, so empty.

- Douche and Fivehead come home.  Sequel slips Bret a letter. obviously pleading for her life.  Docuhe heads to his room and sees the camping ladies.  You know what?  I just noticed that Douche is wearing a camo bandanna.  Wow. 

While we’re here, why does that display case have three tiers of model cars and a pair of cowboy boots on top?  One of these things is not like the others...Awesome-ometer: 5.

- Whore One and Whore Two greet the returning hero.  Calling them that puts me in a Suessian frame of mind.

Whore One and Whore Two
meet Bret by the door
Bret knows what to do
and gropes them some more
Whore One has a whatzits
Whore Two a mageenas
Bret wants to put his whozits
in both their vageenas.

- Time to think about eliminations. Commercial.

- Predictions changed: I’m looking at that pic, and I’m feeling Peyton and Destiney getting eliminated.  I think PBR saved herself with the breakfast, and Fivehead’s neck *might* be on the block but probably not.

- Oh boy.  I cannot possibly be saying this again...but I am, because he is.  Douche is wearing so fucking much guyliner that I’m half convinced he’s trying to bout-do Jared Leto and Pete Wentz.  he didn’t wear that much eyeliner on the cover of Look What The Cat Dragged In.

Ok, maybe an equal amount.

- First pass goes to...Fivehead.  Awesome-ometer: 6.  Daisy’s frustrated.  Next pass goes to Hombre.  KayJay is confused.  Daisy gets one.  She is visually physically relieved that she gets a pass.  This poor kid.  I think she really likes him.  Chazz gets the next one.  Superlips gets one.  There goes half my predictions. 

- So KayJay puts out and he’s leaving her hanging till the end?  Classy, Bret.  On the other hand, she seems to love it when men treat her like dog shit, so maybe it’s just good chick management on his part.  Bing.  She gets the next pass.  Inna’s pissed.

- Three left, one pass.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, PBR and Sequel left.  Could the Ukranian Love Tank be going home?  Will Bret dump both old ladies at once and risk lowering the box office on this coming summer’s tour?  Find out after this commercial break!

- Back, and all three are nervous.  Bret calls Inna down.  He asks her if she’s attracted to her, and that he needs her to come back in the game.  He douche-fessionals that “Ukranian Love Tank” line.  It;s all well and good for me to say shit like that on my stupid blog, but man...if I was Inna and I found out he was calling me that shit behind my back?  Kick in the balls, is what I’m saying.

SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the pass.  the old ladies are out.

- He calls Peyton down.  He wants to keep her as a friend.  Oh noes!  The friend zone!  Hey, he basically told you as much last week.

Sidebar: does every girl here have a tramp stamp?

- Catherine gets called down.  He pulls the “I didn’t get to know you enough” bullshit.  Oh please.  She’s old, dude.  She’s your age. That’s why you booted her.

- Beer time.  Hombre deliveres some scripted line to continue the ‘We all hate KayJay” storyline, and...we’re out.

- Scenes from the next: Some USO ladies are involved with this week’s challenge, which doesn’t go well for Destiney and Inna.  Then DRAMA with KayJay and everyone else...and Bret is “drained” at elimination.  So that’ll be fun.  maybe something will actually happen?  Someone punch up these scripts!  Call Bruce Villanche!

See you next week, Rock of Lovers.  “Keep it on rockin’” or whatever.

Less

As usual, the glossary of nicknames for the whores that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - Sequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- Recap: Aubry’s big sacrifice for KayJay.  Who may get a new nickname if her nutty routine continues.

- We start with the typical morning whore-awakening, and Big John, sans bandanna which is freaking me out, calls them into the room for the big lyrical note reveal.  Oh for fuck’s sake.  “Good morning my divine nine.” Really?  “Divine nine?” Then again, this guy wrote “Unskinny bop” on a sheet of paper and then sang it, on purpose, 600 times in one song.

- Oh my.  The douche virus, AKA Griecomus Douchellus, has infected Big John.  He’s wearing guyliner.

- Anyway, the ladies get their mudbowl gear.  Muppetface throws this cunt attitude.  “This isn’t football gear.” Yeah, Bitchy McOnTheRaggerson.  It is today.  Off to the mud field.

- AWESOME!  That’s 1.  I seriously don’t think he can break the record this week, I mean we’re two minutes in and he’s only said it once.  But here’s to hoping!

- The Sweethearts vs. The Fallen Angels.  And another awesome, so maybe I’m wrong and he will shatter the previous record of 14!  Awesome-ometer; 2.

- PBR is captain of the Sweethearts, Superworms is captain of The Fallen Angels.  One girl has to sit out due to the teams being uneven.

“I Bret Michaels, will be quarterbacking for both teams, and I will love all of you equally.” Remember what I said last week?  How he imagines the ladies all in a row, naked, spread, asses in the air, tingling, shivering with excitement, awaiting the penetrative thrust of the Douche’s douchenozzle?  yeah.  That;s where that stupid comment came from.  That fantasy he has that they will all serve his need to sheath his meatsword.

Sad thing is, they will.  All of ‘em, if he’d just ask.

- OK, this is kind of interesting.  They have a rain, snow and wind machine in order to really make it hard to play.  YEAH!  Torture these bitches!  Any chance of waterboarding Destiney, or maybe hooking Peyton up to a couple of car batteries and the springs from an old mattress?  Maybe get Chazz in a stress position or three?

- Fallen Angels: Destiney, Inna, Kristy Joe, Daisy.  Sweethearts: Catherine, Peyton, Ambre, Jessica.  1. Why on earth would Superworms pick KayJay?  Aren’t they supposed to hate each other with the fury of a plain full of Mongol hordes? 2. Hombre says this is her game.  So look for that solo date I predicted...as per the script.

- Hombre; “I hope I impress him with my receiver skills.” Oh for fuck///// See what they did there?  [redneck accent] That’s onna dem dere dubble on-tondrees, as the Frechies say.[/redneck accent] Only Ambre’s piss-poor acting skills render it utterly humorless and about as sexy as fucking a tailpipe.

- Ambre scores.  I’m so surprised.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD, or as Bret called her, the “Ukranian Love Bus” (IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BUS RIDES YOO!  DA, IZ GOOT JOKE COMRADE!) cannot seem to get her shit together.  And I can’t believe I am writing this, but Big John is calling penalties.  Inna got called for an illegal forward pass.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, BALL PASSES YOO!  OK, I’ll stop now.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, JOKES TELL YOU!  No, seriously, I’ll stop.

(IN SOVIET RUSSIA, ASSHOLE WHO MAKE TOO MANY SOVIET JOKES GET SENT TO GULAG.  EEZ NOT SO FUNNY HA HA AS FUNNY OH SHIT YOU GONNA DIE IN SIBERIAN PRISON.)

- Hombre scores again.  Hey, who could have seen that coming?

- Now Destiney’s throwing illegal passes.  Fallen Angels aren’t winning big.  See, that’s funny if you know Poison’s lyrics.  On the other hand, it’s also sad.  Comedy & tragedy, y’all.  Commercial.

- Daisy’s playing cheerleader and trying to fire up her team.  The second half starts.  KayJay is the big hero...she makes three catches in a row and scores.  So now it’s “2 to 1.” That’s right, they’re not scoring it like any other human on earth who would play a game of pickup “American” football.  7 points?  That would just confuse these lovely ladies.  We need to keep it simple.  Like the space in Chazz’s head.

- The script calls for the Angels to come back, so Fivehead fumbles and Muppetface recovers.  Then she makes every play, and Hombre is getting worried.  So of course the whole things turns into Hombre vs. Muppetface.  10 seconds left.  QB Douchenozzle throws a hail mary and USSR LOVE BUS R74A1069 LUBYANKA SQUARE TO TOLSTOY HOUSE catches it.  She scores.  It’s all tied up.  Commercial.

- We’re back and it’s sudden death overtime.  I cannot even believe that it’s so staged obviously fake dramatically close.

- Sweethearts ball.  The snap.  Hombre gets possession.  She breaks three tackles and then...Destiney forces a fumbles.  Dramatic music and...commercial.  Oh fuck you VH1, it’s not the goddamned AFC championship.

- Back, and the ball is recovered by Janice The Muppet.  Oh look!  Ambre vs. Daisy again.  She grabs the ball and scores.  Looks like my prediction was off.  I misread the script.  ;) I guess this is the “Bret’s obvious choice fights hard for him to remind us that she’s the one” moment.

- Hombre is injured.  Muppetface gets the MVP trophy and the date.  Mudbowl II is in the history books.  And our hearts.

- Back at the house, and it’s time for Muppetface and Surgeryface to go out on their solo date.  You know what Brett is gonna end up looking like?  Mickey Rourke.  That doesn’t even look like him anymore.

MEN OF HOLLYWOOD: STOP DOING THAT SHIT TO YOUR FACE.  JUST BE OLD.

Oh, the date is at the Forplay store, and Bret said awesome again.  Awesome-ometer; 3.  Hey, my wife buys shit from that place.  i don’t know if I should be thankful or horrified that she shops at the same place as every stripper in L.A. ;)

No, wait.  I’m thankful.  VERY thankful.  I do, after all, want to visit her tunnel of love have sex at some point in the future.

- Dressing Miss Daisy time.

That’s douchey, but it gets better.  He steps it up a douchelevel.

He’s so proud of that.  Look at his little doucheface!  In fairness, she’s got a spectacular little body on her.  She can wear some whoreclothes.

- Aww, they’re in wuvvs or something.  He talks about how great she is, she talks about how great he is.

- Cut to the house.  PBR is all upset because she lost.  Sequel is commiserating with her.  No win, no date, no date, and “You can’t take your relationship with Bret to a deeper level.” Peyton?  Sweety?  There is no deeper level.  This is it.  He’s the single-level ranch home of rock.  If Bret Michaels were his own universe, it would have just a single dimension: Douchity.  That’s like gravity, only it’s smarmy and it makes you want to puke all the time.

- Back to the date.  Dinnertime in the lingerie store.  Yeah...that happens.  As long as the store pays a god-damned fortune to be the sponsor, it happens. 

- Muppetface seems to have a genuine desire to know about Bret, so she excitedly asks him date-type questions.  Of course, Mr. Fuckbag Rock Star is above all that, I guess.

You know what?  He’s a dick.  No joke, no metaphors, allegories or similes.  He’s just an asshole, plain and simple.  She’s not the brightest bulb in the pack, nor is she the prettiest girl who has ever lived, but there is nothing wrong with what she’s asking.  Bret Michaels is, and you all know what’s coming - a douchebag.

- OH SNAP.  Donna just noticed something.  So last week, all Daisy would say, over and over, is that while in “The Rock Suite” all night, she and Bret hung out and talked and got to know each other.  Umm...err...wouldn’t you have asked all these kinds of questions then?

Oh yeah, it’s hard to ask questions when you’re face-down on the bed, chewing on a pillow because a washed-up rock star has his dick in your ass.  Again.

- Awesome-ometer: 4.  Douche says the date went awesome, and it’s time to go.  He confessionals that there is a strong sexual connection between them but he;d like a bit more of an emotional connection.  HEY DICK, THAT’S WHAT SHE WAS TRYING TO DO.  She was asking you to tell her about you so you can use shared experiences to bond and learn more about each other, you arrogant, ignorant prick.

Once again, for the cheap seats: BRET MICHAELS IS A DOUCHEBAG.

- Back to the house.  Sequel leaves the note that was previewed last week.  Turns out that at the same time - and I’m sure totally unaware of sequel’s actions, Chazz is also writing a note for Bret!  Wow.  That’s such a coincidence!  Please note the insincere incredulousness in my typing!  It’s there because this is obviously a scripted conflict!  Let’s pretend it isn’t!

- Chazz rolls up on the Rock Suite to find Sequel’s note.  Sequel wrote a hastily-scrawled note on a sheet of paper. 

- I guess that offended Chazz’s sense of fashion or something.  she took Peyton’s note away and replaced it with her “I’m thirteen and I put hearts on everything and I make all my notes into hearts and I dot my I’s with hearts and my heart belongs to you, Bret Michaels!  Will you be my Valentimes?” because you know this stupid bitch calls it “Valentimes Day.”

- Peyton thinks maybe her note was crazy-sounding so she goes back to check on it. 

Oh my!  Her note is gone!  Someone has pilfered her writings!  Call the gendarmes!  She writes a replacement, then asks Chazz if she took the other one.  Chazz lies.  Sequel slides her replacement note in the door.

Conveniently, as per the script she doesn’t fold it and shove it through.  She doesn’t slide it under the door and tape it all the way in.  She slides it between the doors and leaves enough of it hanging out so that Chazz can of course steal it again.  Which Chazz does.  Commercial.

- Back, and we get another awesome.  That’s 5.  Douche & Daisy (see them this summer on The CW!) come back from their “date.”

- The ladies want to party with Douche.  They shoot some pool. 

Seriously?  Leopard bumpers?  Really?  Why does being “rock” always mean you have to give up any and all semblance of taste?

- PBR gets five minutes for making a tough shot...then Daisy friggin’ drops the genius comment about Catherine: “She reminds me of Peggy Bundy.” Oh fuck me sideways.  That’s so exactly and perfectly right.  I can’t believe I didn’t think of it.  I literally slapped my forehead when she said it.  Too old to dress like that, hairstyle that is 20 years out of date, all that shit.  Peggy fucking Bundy.

Oh God.

Gross.

- Muppetface tries to interrupt.  where’s John to enforce the “No going into Bret’s room unless invited” rule?  Oh yeah.  That’s total horseshit, and the script called for Daisy to open the door and interrupt.  she misses out on her alone time because Douche is tired, and somehow this translates into “Do you not like me?” Whatever.  This is starting to become faker than Tila Tequila’s fake-ass show.

Dear Viacom reality programming division,

STOP SCRIPTING EVERY FUCKING THING THAT HAPPENS.  Just hire a big group of crazy motherfuckering whores, lock them in a warehouse and set up 50 robot cameras.  Drop a pile of food and water in once a week, and every three days, send a celebrity in to interact with the inmates.  This formula could work for any of your celebrities.  Flava Flav?  No problem.  Send in Pop Tarts and 40 ounces of malt liquor.  Scott Baio?  Done.  Bottles of Dasani and some prostate medication.  Tila?  Kimchee and Cuervo.

See what I did there?  Racial and ageist jokes.  It’s a wonder that Fox hasn’t given me my own sitcom yet.

- Damn.  Hombre is pretty fucked up from the mudbowl.  Knees, looks like a couple of good scrapes and bruises around the ribs...she played hard.

- Off to the group date...at a racetrack.  Douche does his usual entrance...he pulls up in a shit-hot Lotus Exige.  Turns out/////////FULL STOP.  Holy fucking fuck.  I mean, fuck.  Fucking holy fucking fuck.

I imagine that if you showed that clip to Ghandi during the height of his peaceful resistance days, he would want to punch the shit out of Bret Michaels.  And everyone would understand.  Double-O rock?  What the fuck?

- I guess the point here is that the ladies learn to drive a car.  Only, no one is teaching them anything.  They just all magically know how to drive stick, and how to handle a very responsive, race-tuned car with rack & pinion steering while going around a track.  Even if that is an Elise (and it might be) it’s still really responsive power-assisted R&P.

- KayJay seems to actually be able to drive.  She also seemed put off when Douche said “You look hot.  That’s all that matters.” Inna, on the other hand, doesn’t actually know how to drive.  She’s playing it up for all it’s worth.

- “I’ve been sober for minutes.” Hil-ar-ious!  Hey kids with Diabetes watching at home!  You too can be like Bret Michaels and come within an inch of death three to six times a month by drinking too god-damned much all the time!  Be cool: fuck your health!

Douchebag.

They sit down to lunch and talk shit about the girls who aren’t here.  Then it turns to KayJay and her restraining orders.  Multiple.  One on the ex, one on the current husband.  Bret: “Bit of a red flag there.” Yeah.  I’m thinking K and J stand for Krazy Janglebrain.  While I don’t doubt that her exes are all crap, one has to wonder why all of them are, ya dig?  In the immortal words of Blade, “Some motherfuckers are always tryin’ to iceskate up hill.”

- Time to go home.  Sequel is waiting to pounce on Bret.  First of all, an inordinate amount of time passed between the middle-of-the-day lunch at the racetrack and them actually entering the house in total darkness.  Secondly, when Douche entered, without missing a beat he said ‘Peyton we gotta talk.” Just like that.  No pause, nothing.  Like he knew the script called for it.  But he didn’t get her notes.  How would he know?

he takes her back to his suite.  She just starts sobbing at him.  She asks him if he is attracted to her.  He says this:

Let me translate; “No, Peyton.  I’m not really very attracted to you.  You represent the older fan demographic and I want young ass.  Out of a need to keep my older fans coming out to shows and buying my records, I’m keeping you around.  So that you are pacified, I will tell you that I could see us becoming friends with benefits so to speak, but really I would never be with a woman as old as you on a permanent basis.  However, I am willing for the sake of the show - and my wallet - to pretend that I am attracted to you.  Satisfied, you old, dried up skeezebucket?

Bret Michaels, Classy Gentleman.

- Elimination time.  Commercial.

- We’re back.  Muppetface is wearing the dress Douche bought her at Forplay.  Smart.  PBR is worried.  Chazz is wearing what I think is a satin bra and a mini skirt.  She also said, and I quote, “Bret and I have a mental...like...Superman psychological...mmm...mmconnection.”

What. The. Fuck?

Sequel is worried as well.  AND HOLY FUCKSTICKS.  I mention it every week, but the guyliner is way out of control this week.  Bret’s wearing more makeup than Boy George.

- First pass is for Hombre. Second is for Superworms.  KayJay gets the third.  She’s happy that her being here disgusts the other girls.

- Megan gets a pass and she gets called “The only girl who put a letter on my door.” Peyton is pissed.  Chazzfessional: “He wants to date me, not my grandmother.  HaHa.” You know what?  She’s right, even though she’s half-a-retard.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the next pass.  IN SOVIET RUSSIA, PASS WEARS YOU!  Sorry, I had to do that. 

- Fivehead gets a pass again.  WHY?  FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHY?  What has she ever done except take up space?  If it comes out after this season that Jessica was fucking him the whole time I’m not watching next year.

- PBR gets a pass, mainly for stepping up and going into Bret’s room and sucking face, one assumes.  Now it’s down to Muppetface and Sequel.  I’m kind of surprised that he left Muppetface dangling like this.  Maybe she puked while sucking his dick or something.  That happened to me once.  True story.  It wasn’t due to my massive, drainpipe-sized cock.  I had stopped bathing for most of 1993, and eventually that’ll get to any woman.

I made up that last part.  I bathed in 1993.  Also, I have a white man’s Irish cock.  But a girl really did puke on me during a blowjob.  On someone else’s waterbed.  I saw carrots.  Have I told this story on the blog before?  I think I might have.  Donna wants me to make sure everyone knows it was not her.  This was two years before I met her.

Moving on.

- This is fucking great.  Daisy has had this look on her face for like, ten minutes.

Is that worry or is she smelling a wet fart?  Bret confessionals that he knows what he’s feeling, whatever the fuck that may be So the pass goes to...commercial break.

- Back, and the dramatic music cues us to the fact that some shit is about to go down.  Who will get voted off the island?  Who will get fired?  Who’s not getting a rose?

- He asks for Peyton to come down.  She gets the pass.  HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  He cut Daisy?  What the fuck?

- Oh.  Well now.  “I saved the best for last.” Well, that makes more sense.  We think he’s going to pick Daisy all the way. 

- So he refused to cut anyone.  OK, they got me.  I didn’t see that coming.  But two go home next time.  He tells them to win challenges, get the dates and whatnot.  Daisy seriously looks like she might vomit at any moment.  Could it be that she’s Heather this year, and despite the fakeness of this whole thing, she really has feeling for him?

I actually feel bad for her a little.  On the other hand, if you watched him fuck Heather over eight ways from Sunday, ride Red Cuntya like a rented mule, then pick the youngest, prettiest one and not actually date her, and you still want to be on this show, maybe you deserve whatever VH1 and Douche Michaels have in store for you.

- Beers, and we get the previews.  Rodeo is back to run a “rock & Rodeo” something or other.  More drama with KayJay and the other girls.  I’m sort of surprised that there’s not more Hombre storyline, to be honest.  Perhaps they realize she’s a frigging horrible actress and can’t pull it off?

Looks like next week will be mostly about Daisy and Kristy Joe vying for another chance to get an STD from Brett.  See you then!

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As usual, the glossary of nicknames for the “ladies” that remain:

Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Daisy - Muppetface.  As matthean noted in week 3, she looks exactly like Janice from the Muppet Show.

- We open with the typical recap.  Things they want you thinking about: The strip booth whore-off, KayJay’s marriage, the date free pass interruptions and KayJay and Superworms arguing.

- AWESOME-OMETER right off the bat!  We start directly after eliminations last week with Douche strolling down the hall saying to the ladies “You know I’m awesome!” No.  No we do not know you’re awesome.  We know that you are bald.  We know that you have the sense of humor of a retarded monkey.  We know that you want America to think that you fuck eleven times an hour, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year.  We know that you are a horrible person and a misogynist.  And of course we know that you, Bret Michaels, are a douche bag.  Note how I did not include the fact that you are awesome on that list.

- KayJay thinks she’s getting close and has a chance. 

- Bret just toasted the ones that left and said “Let’s get down to makin’ bacon.” That’s it!  That’s fucking exactly it.  He talks, acts and for this show, pretends that his life is exactly like a 1970s sexually-oriented joke bumper sticker.  If his van is moving side to side like a cradle, please do not rap on the door seeking his attention.  Also, if you wish to be a passenger in his motor vehicle, you must provide him, as the owner of said vehicle, with financial renumeration, refined petrol or sexual congress, because no individual may in fact receive transportation to their destination without renumeration.

Yeah, I spent a good four minutes thinking that one up.  I know.  I know.  But it made me giggle.  Because you know Bret has said that.  he stood on the second step of a Florida Custom Coach, looking at some big-titted blonde stripwhore and said “Well, baby, if you wanna ride to Tulsa with us on the bus, it’s cash, grass or ass, ‘cuz nobody rides for free.” And the whore giggled and fucked him after he said it.  Because some women will do anything to get next to a tiny little sliver of fame

- Aww, Vamps got snubbed on the goodnight kisses.  Douche is off to bed, but MuppetJanice isn’t finished with him yet.  The other ladies are all tweaked about that.  Janice is sucking face in Bret’s room.  “Obviously we made out a little.  I mean, can you blame a girl?” yes.  Yes I can, because he’s a douchebag.

Fuckin’ hell, I am being harsh on the Bretster tonight.  Dunno why all the hostility, but it just feels like he’s being especially douchey.  Like when he makes his fifth sex joke in confessional and we’re only three minutes in.

- Vamps and KayJay are in the hot tub chatting.  Vamps isn’t upset that Bret’s being a whore with the other babes.  If you can call most of them babes.  She’s mad because she deserves attention and he’s neglecting her.  Sweetheart?  That means you aren’t into him.  Seriously.  The thought of him all over Muppetface should make you nuts.  If it doesn’t, you don’t belong here.

Vamps to KayJay: “If it bothers you that he’s sleeping with Daisy right now - and that’s exactly what he’s doing...” Yup.  he is.  And allegedly, as it is in her character’s her nature as she is scripted to like actually likes Bret, KayJay is upset and jealous.

- Next morning, and Chazz notes that Janice isn’t in her puppet rack.  she called her a “dirty asshole.” Hey!  I’m sure her asshole is very clean.  Since it needs to be on call and everything.  I assume she keeps some baby wipes around to stay fresh for her man.

- Big John calls them together.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD reads the day’s poem, about making the custom bikes, although it doesn’t actually explain that.  We the viewers know that’s what it’s about.

- In the limo, Vamps straight up asks Muppet if she fucked Bret.  Muppetface goes fucking off.  She’s really hostile and defensive, so like, she banged him, obviously.  She keeps using the 2000’s euphemism for fucking: “hanging out.”

- SPONSOR ALERT.  Exile Cycles.  They do make some sweet, sweet rides, especially the “Pure Sex” dragster.

- Awesome-ometer two-fer!  We got a double awesome.  That puts us at three for the day.  Sequel is excited, as motorcycles are her “thing.”

- The bikes are almost-assembled kits.  They have to finish the bikes and fire the engine to win.  Two teams, each with a lead mechanic who gets a solo date.  Awesom-ometer: 4!  Losing team has to clean Bret’s bike with a toothbrush.

- Team Black: SRB, Vamps and Hombre, Chazz and Muppetface.  Team Pink is Fivehead, KayJay, Superworms, PBR and Sequel.  Inna gets to be lead.  Peyton leads her team.  At one point they tried to get us believing that PBR hates KayJay, but her delivery was pretty poor, so I didn’t really buy it.

Chazz; “My best strategy for this challenge is just to do whatever I have to do to look hot in my mechanic’s shirt.” Normally I would say that she’s putting on an act, but she’s exactly the damn same as she was on beauty and the Geek.  I think she is literally the dumbest person that has ever been on a reality show.  Except for Jessica Simpson.

- Oh my god. 

Did you see the stupid move he did where he mounts the imaginary bike?  Jesus Christ.  Did you ever see Arrested Development?  Bret is Gob Bluth.  Only he’s like, a real person.  Allegedly.  He’s not a wholly-created fictional character, I mean.  The hand gestures and posing never stop.

- They start.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is 100% sure she’s got this.  Sequel is freaking out over this whole thing.  OK, this is just reality sequence stuff.  Imagine everyone except Inna and Peyton fucking shit up royally, with the expert having to explain the simplest things.  It’s kind of like watching someone herd cats.

- Pink team is done assembling.  They’re gassing it up.  Whoops!  They didn’t hook up the gas line.  Black is gassing the bike.  Oh my, it’s so exciting.  Or something.

- Black wins.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD gets the solo date. [Bad cold war accent] IN SOVIET RUSSIA, SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD DATES YOU! [/Bad cold war accent] Wait, that’s the right way around.  Dammit.  I’m no Yakov Smirnoff.

- Awesome-ometer: 5!  Time to find out how they did from MohawkGuy.  Awesome-ometer; 6!  He’s cranking them out this week.  Mohawk guy says that Superworms slowed her team down, so she has to help Sequel clean the bike with a toothbrush.  She’s pissed, since she didn’t know shit about tools, she seems to think it’s unfair.  Well, that’s the price you pay for being dumb.

- Douche asks SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD to come over to him, and whattya know, it’s another awesome!  Awesome-ometer; 7.  At this rate he might break the all-time record of 11!  Anyway, he gave her a leather jacket and they are off to ride the motorcycle.

Commercial.

- We’re back, and Douche is cruising with his personal T-72.

See, that’s a Soviet-era tank.  And Inna’s a big girl.  See what I did there?  hey, I told you I wasn’t as funny as Yakov…

- Sweet Jesus.  More douchery.

What’s with the “rawwrrrrrrrr” noise?  Serious douchery.  That’s what.

- Cut to the two ugliest chicks on the show in bikinis washing the Hollywood Taxi.  I swear to GOD I could watch that bike explode and be happy doing it.  Isn’t he fucking bored of it yet?  And why does it have to be the two ugliest chicks?

- Vamps is still going on about how Bret dissed her during the goodnight kiss.  AND HOLY EFFING JESUS...PBR without any makeup.  Holy shit.

Dude.  OK, so Peyton and Destiney aren’t the ugliest women on the show.  Anyway, the other ladies tell Vamps that he probably didn’t do it on purpose, and Hombre confessionals that Vamps overreacts to a lot of things.

- Cut to the date; Yet another woman tells Bret she can see herself ending up with him.  Douche, being the big ball of sincerity that we all know and love, tells her, with all seriousness, “So can I.” of course he sees it.  He sees himself fucking all of you at one point or another!  In his mind, you’d all get on all fours in a big long row while he waited for his Cialis to kick in, and then he’d move on down the row, sticking his dick into each one of you for a few strokes.

Hey, you could even make a game out of it.  Like, musical cumshots.  The woman who gets filled with Bret’s jizz gets a solo date where you get to ingest more of it, and it’s ladies choice: orally or anally!  That Bret.  What a gentleman.

- Douche-fessional; another awesome!  That’s 8.  Date’s over.  As he’s leaving, the douche-fessional is that he hopes they “got my chopper a-sparklin’.” Err..."chopper" is a very specific thing.  It’s not a generic term for motorcycle.  The Hollywood Taxi is NOT a chopper.

You’d think a guy that has been riding bikes for 25 years would know that.

- Home, and the bike cleaners are arranging themselves on the bike by the front door.  And running the engine.  Indoors.  Always wise.  Loads of “clean my pipes” jokes.

- Vamps swoops in to do her neurotic thing.  “Aubry Aubry Aubry.  Do you really need to pick this exact moment, when there is nakedness and motorcycles, to take me away?  Seriously.” Oh for fuck’s sake.  It’s not like you were screwing and she tried to drag you away forcibly.  Besides, it’s Sequel and Superworms.  She’s doing you a favor.

- Douche and Vamps go off to chat.  So, she’s trying to sell Bret on the fact that she is, and I quote, “a very very very observant person.  I’m a karaoke host, OK, I know people.” Really?  A karaoke host?  Wow.  That’s one fucking insightful career.  She voices her complaint, he looks for all the world like he couldn’t give a fuck.

He asks her what she thinks he thinks.  She says that he isn’t into her as a partner.  He douche-fessionals that she’s “a little needy.” Ya think?  She says to get rid of her if he’s not feeling it.  I think she’s outta here.

- Vamps and KayJay are talking about if it was a good idea to say what Vamps said.  KayJay starts crying...about herself.  Oh sweet Jesus.  This is so Sam.  So KayJay is calling a house meeting to tell everyone about her marriages and shit.  Hoo boy.  If this is real...Hell, if this is half-real, why would she want to bare her soul to this nest of nasty little vipers?  This will not end well.

- She cries it all out at all of them.  She’s essentially confessing that she...wait, Chazz said it.  She’s an emotional wreck.  Hombre confessionals that this is kind of ridiculous as KayJay and Bret have only known each other for 5 days.

That’s how long this has been going so far., FIVE DAYS.  Five.  How the hell could anyone be this invested in someone - when you only get five minutes with them here and there due to it being a reality show with other women - in just five days?

On the other hand, if she’s faking it, she’s doing an Oscar-caliber job of it.  They give Academy Awards to women who can cry like that on cue while talking.  The “ladies” advise her to go talk to Bret.  Obviously they are hoping she freaks the fuck out.

- Sidebar: Does Bret’s door actually say “the Rock Suite” with the last two words in his favorite tat lettering, Olde E?  Why yes.  Yes it does.

Douchetacular.

- So KayJay’s in the Rock Suite and she’s all fucked up.  She’s saying that it (the show) became real for her as it went on.  Bret responded with “But did you think it would be real when ya started?” How would she?  She saw last season.  You were a total fake, and you fucked with the one person who really seems to have been into you.  Why would she expect it to be real?  You are a huge, douchebag phony, and that’s about the only thing any of these women should ever expect.

Am I being hostile again?  Sorry.

Awesome-ometer: 9.  She’s sobbing about how she has all this shit to deal with when she gets out of here, and Bret Michaels dropped the douche act for just a second and said:

“I am willing to deal with any emotional baggage, I’m willing to deal with anything in your past, but I cannot deal with you if you are still emotionally connected.”

That is actually a true and profound statement on the surface.  Except it’s a lie coming from him.  Evidence?  Look no further than the fact that when he kicked Heather to the curb, one of the things he talked about was her being a stripper.  She wasn’t emotionally connected to needing to be a stripper.  In fact she wanted out and she wanted people to stop talking about it.  If it was so easy for him to deal with anything in someone’s past, it never would have been an issue with Heather.  It wouldn’t have been an issue when he talked about how he was hurt in the past by a stripper (remember, that’s why he wrote “Every Rose") and it wouldn’t have been an issue with choosing heather.

Douche is a liar.  Big surprise, right?  He’s the used car salesman of rock & roll...he’ll say anything to get you to buy his cock and drive it off the lot.

Anyway, he basically said that her shit will be there in a day or a month.  She’s wound up and can’t decide to stay or go.  SAM!  SAM!  Just leave!  Wait, you’re not Sam.  Sorry!  It’s so easy to get confused.  Commercial, and that’s where we’ll break for the night.  I’ll update this post tomorrow night with the second half!

*UPDATE*

Here comes the second half!

- Big John calls everyone into the main area for the day’s note.  It’s another photo shoot.  Oh shit...God bless Chazz and her empty skull.  “After hearing the note today, I’m totally confused, I have no idea what’s going on...as usual.” At least she knows she’s as dumb as a box of hair.

- We meet Mitzi from ”Mitzi & Company,” who will help the “ladies” do what Bret called an “awesome” pinup photo shoot.  Awesome-ometer: 10.  One more to tie, two more and it’s a new RoL record!

Anyway, I went to the Mitzi site.  It looks like they will do a whole package thing for you: 40s hair, makeup, clothes and photos.  Except the final product?  The actual photographs?  They’re shit.  Not good at all.  Stay the fuck away from Mitzi if you are in LA and looking for pinup pics.

Interesting that they went with burlesque and now 40s pinup stuff.  Someone at VH1 is a big Dita von Teese fan…

- Bret says he’s “gonna get them dressed up in classic 50s pinup style.” 50s?  All I see at the site is 40s, dude.  Wartime style was very, very different than post-war.  Maybe Mitzi is branching out?

- Oh for the love of all that is holy.  Chazz is so dumb.  “I don’t want to look like I’m from the 50s.  I’m in my 20s.  I’m 22.”

- AWESOME-OMETER: ELEVEN!!!!  That’s the record.  Will he break it?  I know he;s been training all year for this.  We may be about to witness history!

- The shoot starts.  Chazz is first.  Whatever.  She’s really attractive if you never have to hear her speak, ever.

- Vamps is doing some 30s-50s hybrid thing where she’s afraid of king kong but on a tiki set.  It doesn’t look good.  Hey, wasn’t the tiki craze like, 20 years after the release of King Kong?  Like, late 50s, early 60s?  Is Bret one of those people that thinks everything that happened in the past happened within like, two years of each other?

- Hombre is doing like a “naughty sailor girl” thing.  Douche is claiming that she’s starting to “pop out” for him.  *sigh* We get it.  Girl you almost eliminated has a real chance with you.  We all read the script, Douche.

- Daisy is just dressed like a whore.  Not sure how this is 40s, 50s or even 60s.  It just looks like the first pic in an internet porn shoot.

- So they have lunch.  Vamps says that everyone in this (meaning a show like this) gets hurt, and in the process of telling her why she’s wrong, Bret just sells another used car lies his balls off.

That’s a fucking lie.  He never looked at her and said “Whatever.” What he actually did was listen to KayJay, and advise her that her shit was still going to be there regardless if she left today or next month.  Then he told her he wanted her to stay.  Bret will say ANYTHING to get someone to want to see his cock, and I’m starting to believe that he believes this shit when he says it.  He knows that these dumb bitches will either be gone, or will have swalloed his loads long before they get to see this...and odds are they all have to sign NDAs anyway so they couldn’t tell the truth about any specific event unless the show lets them.

Christ...he’s such a sleazy dickweed.  If I had a daughter that was even thinking about going to a BMB concert, I’d either chain her to the boiler in the basement, or maybe try to run him over with a truck.  Shit, it doesn’t even have to be my daughter.  I’d try to save your daughter, or a total stranger from him.  At this point I don’t think he should be allowed near female dogs much less women.

Douche.  Bag.

Anyway, Vamps runs to KayJay to tell her, but what is very interesting is who is sitting on the bed next to KayJay.

What are they, frenemies?  What was Catherine doing there hanging out with Kristy Joe?  Possible explanations:

1. Looking for a tampon.  May be too old though.
2. Wanted to borrow a shovel in order to apply more spackle to her face.
3. trying to suck the youth out of KayJay so as to continue to appear 50, when her real age is 677.
4. This whole “Kristy Joe and Catherine are enemies” thing is total bullshit from the get-go.

You decide.  :)

- So KayJay is really pissed.  Guess what she did?  She cried.  :) Commercial.

- Oh the drama!  Will KayJay confront the lying douchey cockmonkey?  She composes herself and heads to “the Rock Suite” and yes, I died a little inside after writing that.  At least I didn’t try to format it in Olde E.

KayJay walks in and Douche is posing.

And then he says “A-whassa-goin-awn” like he’s all happy to see her and I want to kick his fucking teeth in.  For real.  She asks him how he feels about her...which wasn’t really the question.  The question should be “Why did you lie and talk shit about me behind my back.” Like a good manipulating misogynist, Douche turns it around and makes it all about her, her insecurities, etc.  He knows what prompted this and he’s trying to steer the conversation as far away from his own duplicity as possible. 

So the story now is that she confessionals that she really wants to be with him, and he basically tried to let her down in the way that is easiest for him.

- Elimination time.  Master, the guyliner is strong with this one.

The pancake makeup is nice too.

- AWESOME!  Holy crap!  Awesome-ometer: 12!!!!!  That’s a new record, folks.  There are only a few times in your life that make you take notice of where you are and what you are doing.  Man landing on the moon.  The day MLK was shot.  The day Kennedy was shot.  The day the Berlin Wall fell.  And now this.  The day that Bret Douchebag Michaels said “Awesome” 12 times in one hour of television.  Someday you will tell your children where you were on this day.

And then they will put you in a home.

- First pass goes to: Muppetface.  AND ANOTHER AWESOME!  Holy fuck.  Thirteen awesomes.  I can’t believe it.  It’s like getting extra candy for Valentine’s Day. Sure, it;s shitty-ass Russel Stover garbage, but hey, it’s fucking candy, so shut up before I give you a reason to cry, bitch.  And where’s my dinner?

Daisy says that no one can beat the chemistry they have.  We agree here at Casa de Kenefick.  She;s the winner, barring any accidents where she gets hideously deformed in the face, titty region or vaginally.  That Bret will not accept.  She could probably have a nice zipper-style scar on her ass and he’d be OK, but on the off chance that maybe someone andI’mnotnaminganynamesherekristyjoe were to throw hot oil in her face, she’d be getting the boot.

- Next pass goes to Hombre. Vamps confessionals that she thinks she’ll get a pass.  Sequel gets the next pass. SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD EES NEXT TO GET PASS.  DA, EES GOOT COMRADE.  SHE BEAR YOU MANY STRUNG CHEELDRENS!  Oh, and yet another “awesome.” I can’t even begin to tell you what this feels like.  Do you remember the first time you jacked off with a combination of lotion, your own spit and a little pre-cum?  Like that, only awesomer.  That’s fourteen god-damned “awesomes.” My poor heart can’t take anymore.

- PBR gets one. There’s a brief moment where he has to try to get the lanyard over and around the weird hairspray helmet she has in top of her head.

- Fivehead gets one again.  WTF?  Was she even on this episode at all?  Superworms gets one. 

- Douche says that the next girl is hot and all that but he’s not feeling it yet.  At which point Megan makes a “what the fuck are you talking about, old man?” face.  Then she gets a pass.

- Two left.  Vamps and a crying KayJay.  Vamps confessionals that she looked at KayJay crying, and her heart broke.  They ratchet up the dramatic music and.....

Commercial.

- We’re back, and the tension is just so...something.  Bret is milking this, and KayJay is literally breaking down.  Vamps is going to make a big dramatic gesture and walk away.  She walks up and says that if she walks away will Bret give KayJay another chance?  To which Douche confessionals:

That’s just in case you’ve never heard him say it.  Or you thought that my textual representation of how he said it was some kind of exaggeration.  If anything, I feel like I may have de-douched it a little.

Anyway, the drama.  Vamps pitches KayJay and Superworms confessionals that they should both get the fuck out of here.  Hombre confessionals that Aubry’s relationship with KayJay means more to Aubry than the one with Bret, and that is weird.  No, it’s not.  She’s not trying to get discovered, Ms. Professional Actress Who Has Never Starred In Anything.  I know it seems foreign to you, but these two actually seem to have formed a friendship.  I’d say bros before hoes, but that doesn’t really work here, what with them all having girly hoo-has.  Is there a chick equivalent to that phrase?

Vamps makes KayJay promise to not leave.  Then she confessionals that if she and Bret were meant to be together later, they’re in the same city.

And then, the punchline.  Oh fuck it...there’s no easy way to describe this.  Just watch.

Love the way he almost cruelly reveals that KayJay was getting the pass all along.  All class and sensitivity, that Bret.  What a guy.  meanwhile, KayJay goes from mental breakdown to all smiles and loving on Bret faster than Britney goes from stupid to diseased.  Wait, that’s not a very dramatic turn for Britney.  nevermind.  What I’m trying to say is KayJay is starting to seem a little bipolar.  Apparently hot comes with a big dose of crazy.  They do some deep throat heavy kissing, then he asks her to drop her guard so they can get to know each other.

They drink Bret Brews.  It’s fucking over.  Praise Jesus.

- On the next Rock of Love.  Mud bowl again.  Some drama with Sequel and Chazz over notes they leave for Douche.  He pitches the online stuff and ends with “and keep it on rockin’.” I think he meant to say “Keep it goin’” or “Keep on rockin’” and like so many of his “awesome” turns of phrase, it got all fucked up.  The best part is, VH1 airs the screw up every week.  It;s like a metaphor for the existence of the show itself.  And maybe all of our lives.

See you awesome party animals next week!  Until then, keep it all around the rockin’ going on, a-whassa.  Or something. (DEVIL HORNS!  FUCK YEAH!)

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Glossary:

Angelique - Silica, for the massive amount of fake material in her face/nose/lips/boobs/body.  Plus, brain like a rock.  She’s a Z-list porn star (NSFW!)
Ambre - Hombre, simply because of the spelling
Kristy Joe - KayJay.  She doesn’t have a lot of personality, so neither does her nickname.
Megan - Chazz, as in Airheads.  Because she’s dumb.  Really, really dumb.  However dumb you think I mean, she’s well dumber than that.
Aubry - Vamps or Vampirella, due to the giant fangs of an indeterminate color she’s sporting.
Destiney - Superworms, like the actual worms.  Named for her worm-like lip implants and lack of skill with lip liner.
Jessica - Cross-eyed Fivehead (so far).
Peyton - I’m thinking of calling herSequel or Part Deux, since she’s so totally doing a Heather/Rodeo/Brandi M./Red Cuntya thing. 
Inna - SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Variations on that theme.
Catherine - No name yet, but I’m thinking she’s also clone of Rodeo, so she might get the name PBR.  That’s a two-fer: Professional Bull Riders Inc., plus the trashiness of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

The following “ladies” have not yet distinguished themselves enough to earn a name yet: Daisy, Roxy.  Suggestions welcome!

- Recap focuses on Hombre and Douche.  Color me the opposite of surprised.  Also they highlight the OSDC (that’s Old School Dance Contest, which has taken on some kind of mythical proportions in my mind at this point.)

- It’s morning at the mansion, and whores are stirring.  Roxy, one of the winners of the OSDC, reinforces that she intends to use her pass.  In case you forgot, this allows her to interrupt anyone at any time if they are with Bret and take their place.  Roxy?  Sistah?  It.  Won’t. Matter.  I think you are as fine as bone china, but you are a black woman, and you will get the boot.

- Bad poetry time.  Chazz read it.  I’m sort of surprised, unless it was spelled out phonetically. 

- Outside, into the Hummer limo (is anyone surprised that this show hired a Hummer for Bret?) and it’s off to the roller derby rink. 

- They are getting split into teams of four, and they have to protect a baby doll in a stroller.  Why?  So Bret, who is a “good dad,” can find out who has the “mother bear instinct.” Whatever.  That;s not the important part.  This is.  I present the atrocity that is the BretBaby.  Straw cowboy hat, bandanna, glasses and fuzzy dice on the stroller.

It’s stupid.  Hombre thinks it’s hil-arious!

- Oh dear god no.  I can feel her presence.  There will be a team opposing the baby protector whores.  And we all know who will be the captain of that team.  I can feel the desperate need for attention already.

- SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD “If there’s anything I can do in these skates, I hope I can skate over Lacey’s face.” Me too!  I kind of hope that something truly tragic happens here.  By accident of course.  Oh, and the doll registers shock trauma.  Someone’s been watching Mythbusters!

- Blue Team; Vamps, KayJay, Silica and SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD.  Red Team: FiveHead, The Last of the Black-hicans (I dunno if that’s gonna stick as Roxy’s nickname, but if she stays, maybe it will), Sequel and Hombre.  Pink Team: Daisy, Chazz, Superworms and PBR.  I have really got to get Daisy a nickname.

- Wow.  He said “Are we ready to start the stroller derby challenge?” I really, really expected him to say “Are you ladies ready to rock the stroller derby” and then grab his nuts and rub them for like, five seconds too long.  Bret never ceases to surprise me.

- PBR says she can skate and is sort of the captain of her little crew.  KayJay is flying around the circle in practice.  Red Team is on their asses a lot. 

- Oh for fuck’s sake.  The ref is named Marlene Dieb*tch.  I have no idea if that asterisk is really there, or if VH1 is afraid of typing out the word “bitch” on the kiron.  Either way, it’s exactly the opposite of cool and edgy.  It’s ridiculous and stupid, much like Bret Michaels himself.

- Pinks go first.  Dey be all a-scareded.  Douche is hoping that “these girls are willing to take a beating (douchebag pause for effect) for their man.” Any chance that I can give you a beating for their man, Douche?  Anyway, the roller bitches come and Red Cuntya literally grabs and punches the baby.  They’re shocked, SHOCKED I TELL YOU, that Lacey would do suck a thing.

FUCK THIS IS STUPID.  They grab and shake the doll and we go to commercial.

Sometimes I hate television.

No I don’t.  I’m sorry TV.  Please don’t explode on me, I love you.

- We’re back.  Douche-fessional: “There is only one way to start to find true love and that is with a stroller derby challenge.” Really?  Well fuck me sideways.  Baby, I hate to do this in a blog post about Rock of Love, but you need to get the fuck out.  We did not meet over a roller derby contest where one of us tries to shake a baby to death, therefore our love, it is not a river.  Well, maybe it is a river, but someone just built a damn, and you gots to get to steppin’.  I’d say I love you, but Douche said no stroller derby, no love, so just walk away.

Don’t look back.  We’ll always have Albany.

- They deliver the baby to the doctor.  See what I did there?  Deliver. The. baby. That’s comedy gold.  Chazz is totally playing Brandi C. “At least we look hot.” Oh die in a fire.

- Red team has a plan...block the Derby Dolls while Sequel tries to get ahead.  It’s not really working.  Sequel is protecting the thing and Douche said that the fact that Peyton is willing to take a beating “made me wanna (another douchebag pause for effect, plus a small hand gesture)...breed.”

Seriously.  Does he have any fucking idea how stupid he sounds?

- Uhh, the Derby chick just ripped an arm off the baby.  That’s probably bad.

- Blue is next.  KayJay hopes that the rest of the team falls down in front of the Derby chicks.  She’s speedskating around and doesn’t get touched until the very end.  She’s the big “winner.”

The results: Pink team has a dead baby.  Red team just has a beaten baby, minus an arm.  Fivehead says something like” if the baby lost it’s left arm, no one will care.” Or something.  Unless the baby was left handed...wait am I talking about this like it makes any sense at all?  I need another glass of this wine, clearly.  Did I mention I’m drinking now?  I think Douche drove me to it.

- The Blue team won, obviously.  Just some bruising and shaking to their BretBaby.  Prognosis; baby will be fine with counseling.  And hair plugs.

Then Silica says “Zese girlz zhould betteah be wurried, becuz whin eye’m gunna too ween a debt weeth Bret, eye’m gunna fock eem zo goot, eez nut gunna louk at ennybuddy elze whin ee comingk back.” Sweet fuck she’s ugly. 

- SRB, Silica and Vamps get a group date, KayJay gets a solo.

- Last of the Black-hicans is conveniently upset about losing.  Why, she has a pass that allows her to interrupt a date anytime she wants!  How lucky and fortuitous.

- Group date time.  Uhh, Vampirella is wearing a top hat and some sort of....robe?  And she’s carrying a “puttin on the ritz” cane.  In fact, the whole outfit is very Buster Poindexter.  Classy.  Of course she’s actually the best dressed of the three on the group date.  SCARY RUSSIAN BROAD is wearing her little sister’s black dress, and Silica is wearing some short pink thing that kind of looks like it got caught in the washer during the spin cycle.

- KayJay tells the other chicks that she is a mom, so she knows how strollers work.  Lucky kid, getting to slide out of that.  Wait, that didn’t come out right.  Anyway, I seriously doubt that strollers contain enough technology to defeat these chicks, even if they are all a little dumber than the average whore.

Well maybe a stroller could defeat Chazz.  I can see her turning it upside down and trying to make it sort of ski along on the handles.  The wheel confuses her.

Anyway, KayJay makes a simple, innocuous comment about the fact that PBR can’t actually skate, and the producers have Daisy get all worked up over it.  It’s dramatic, don’t you know.  Except for the fact that it wasn’t, Kristy Joe was laughing and being silly and not criticizing Catherine in any way, and Daisy;s reaction is obviously created to try to engineer some conflict.  Other than all that, it’s dramatic.

- Cut to the date.  Strip club.  Ivan Kane’s Forty Deuce Nightclub and Burlesque. Burlesque?  try “low-rent non-stripping stripping.” It’s like one of those sleazy joints you see on a crime procedural where all the women are ten years past their sell-by date and no one every actually gets nude, because it’s both disgusting and a health code violation to air that much raw meat in a bar.  Think I’m lyin’?  Check out their gallery of photos.  You have to give them an email to see the pics.  Make something up.  May I suggest [email protected]?  Now, see what I mean?  and those are the good pictures that they want you to see.  Fuckin hell.

- What a surprise.  Ivan greets them at the door and seems to know Bret.  The place is closed down for them.  They will be doing “burlesque” dancing.  Vamps says she’s a trained dancer.  This probably means that an old whore taught her how to slap her yeasty beef curtains around without getting them stuck to the pole.

This ain’t burlesque, ladies.  I’ve seen Dita von Teese, and you ladies ain’t no Dita von Teese(es).

- Meanwhile, back at the Whore Cave, KayJay makes a joke that the rest of Pink Team said that PBR let the team down.  This is so scripted...we got to see a single sentence that was clearly a larger part of a conversation that we didn’t get to hear.  But hey...catfight!

- Club.  Uhh...these are strippers doing stripper dances.  They’re just not getting naked.  There’s nothing burlesque about this!  Silica says that she gets totally naked, and “Dakota” (the chick from the club) says that burlesque is the art of the tease.  So when will you start teasing?  Double-speed salsa dancing back and forth while wearing a shimmery bikini is NOT burlesque.  There’s no teasing involved in what this broad did.

Ten bucks says twenty bucks would buy you what this club really specializes in.

- Douche said “par-tay” like, and he meant it.  I really don’t think he knows.  Commercial.

- Back at the Douche.  I mean the Deuce.  SCARY BIG BONED RUSSIAN BEAR WRESTLER BROAD is doing actual burlesque teasing, so of course Douchebag says she sucks at it.  Why, because she’s not doing some stupid triple speed Latin ass shake?  he did call her his “Ukrainian love tank,” so I gotta give him props for that.  I should also mention that I know she’s not Russian.  Ukrainian is not Russian.  It doesn’t matter.  The joke still works, and besides, SCARY UKRAINIAN BROAD just doesn’t conjure up the same mental image.

On the other hand, he also finished his thought by calling her a spicy meat-a-ball.” Bret?  Dude?  That’s an Italian joke.  She’s Ukranian...you just told us that.  if there is one thing i can’t stand, it’s comedic inconsistency in making jokes about a nationality that doesn’t fit the person you are mocking.

What?  Shut up.  Russia used to own the Ukraine.  My joke is different.  Fuck you.

- Aubry is next.  You’ll never guess what she did...the high-speed Latin ass shake.  She did regular stripper stuff, just slower.  Douche loved it.  Of course he did.  A woman just took off her kit down to undies and shook her ass in competition to try to ride his graying pubic mound all the way to Cashtown.

It’s like he doesn’t know they all see him as an ATM with a wig.

- Uhh...Silica took all her clothes off.  ALL of them.  She spread the meat wide open for him.  We’ve seen her pics...look up in the glossary for the link if you haven’t.  It’s like an old veal chop that someone butterflied with a hacksaw.  Then microwaved.  They’re gonna need some Control III to wipe down that stage.  That shit kills AIDS dead on contact.  Somehow I think that will come in handy.

Sidebar; Do you think her secretions could be used as a brass polish?  Or would it be too corrosive?

Anyway, he thought it was hot.  They pretended like it mattered that she got naked, like it was gonna violate the club’s rules and get them shut down.  Like Hollywood wouldn’t be better off if that happened.

- Back to the house.  The “drama” is still going on.  It’s turning into a thing.  Ahh, this is where the “KayJay is is a manipulating bitch” part comes in.  Honestly, this is obviously written, but it’s so stupid - and what KayJay said is so harmless - that I can’t really get into the spirit of the whole thing.  it just feels inanely stupid.

- Good fucking lord, now they go out to Daisy and Superworms and everyone has to act like this is a big deal.  Superworms and Chazz are arguing with KayJay in the hall.  Chazz takes a dig at the fact that KayJay isn’t wearing makeup.  Uhh...she still looks better than all of you.  She could get burned in a gasoline fire and still look better than all of you.

This is retarded.

- Douche comes home and says that the ladies were ready to “party” or some shit.  “The big head’s saying ‘Let’s do it’.” What?  That’s backward.  That doesn’t even make sense.  The little head should be telling you to go party with these “ladies.” I think the bandanna is on too tight.

- Oh look, KayJay is crying.  Vamps is “helping her.” She seems to be crying about the no makeup crack.  Hollywood, take note!  She can cry on cue.

- The next day dawns.  Superworms reminds us that she also has a megapass that gives her the right to swoop in and get Douched.

That’s what I’m calling a date with Bret Michaels.  Dating Bret is now called “getting Douched.” The problem here is there is a logical comedic inconsistency, and we all know I hate those. 

See, a douche is supposed to clean and freshen a nasty, funky cockcave.  Bret Michaels actually has the opposite effect; he can turn a pussy that smells like spring rain into something that even the French would say “Ohh, mon cheri, that eez one unfortunate vageena odouer you haff, may eye suggezt a douchzes?” Oh well.  Can’t win ‘em all.

- Big John is wearing his red bandanna today.  Must be “Dress like a douchey gay pirate” day.  He calls them all in for another note/poem/lyric.  It’s for KayJay.  The date is just a BBQ in the yard.  REALLY?  You;re fucking kidding!  This would make it so easy for say, someone with the right to interrupt a date, to swoop in and say, interrupt!  Gee, I wonder if that will happen?

- Kristy Joe is making dinner for Bret.  Hey, KayJay cooks.  And she irons in bikinis.  Dude.

- I know that this may surprise you to no end, but Superworms and Daisy plan to use their passes to get all up in KayJay’s shit.  I know, I know, who could have seen this coming.  Well, except Stevie Wonder.  And Daredevil.  And every human being within a seventy mile radius.  And one lone dude from Delta Sigma Centauri who picks up Earth transmissions on his spaceship’s satellite dish.

I’m trying to say this wasn’t much of a surprise.

- Aww fuck.  KayJay has a tramp stamp.  Are those like standard issue for women under 30 now?  Also, she kissed him hello.  I assume he was fresh out of the shower and hadn’t had time to get all festered up with the skank, but still.  He’s like a petri dish of STD by this point.  Best to avoid contact if possible, unless you are wearing level 3 HAZMAT gear.

- OUR FIRST AWESOME!  As soon as we start counting, he stops saying it.  Fucker.  Somehow he always finds a way to make this as painful a viewing experience as possible.

- The bitches are planning to swoop in as soon as they start eating.  Oh here we go.  Wow, this is such a surprise.  We learn that KayJay has been married twice and is currently getting her second annulled.  Baggage!  Here comes Superworms, lookin’ classy!  Cutoffs, bandanna, bikini top.  The Bret Michaels Official Girlfriend Uniform.

- Wait, KayJay is like a one-woman soap.  She’s on her second marriage, is still legally married actually, has at least one kid, has a restraining order on her current husband, just filed the annulment papers after one month of marriage...Jesus!  All she needs to say is “And we had to sell our double wide at a loss” to put the icing on this cake.

- Bingo.  Superworms drops the pass on Brett.  He pretends like he doesn’t want to do it and we go to commercial.

- Back and he’s still pretending like this is unexpected and awkward.  Then he finds a way to turn this into a “I’m a horny rock star” again.  Douche-fessional about how he’s hoping for a naked cat fight and how Superworms ordering KayJay to leave “kinda turned me on.” So did Big John in his red bandanna.

I know, I used that joke last week.  If Bret’s gonna say the same dumb shit every week, so am I.

- Superworms mounts Douche and they start chatting.  Bret sells her a used car tells her he’s glad she interrupted the date.  Does he know that we just watched him a few seconds ago saying he wasn’t glad, and that this flip-flopping makes him look like a huge, bald liar?

See also; SUPER GUYLINER!

They make out.  KayJay comes back.  So that’s it?  What the fuck?  Why did she leave when KayJay came back out?  Oh, yeah, the producers told her to leave, see, because KayJay has to get interrupted a second time, and she can’t do that if Destiney is still out there.  Time to switch so we can have our second VIP pass moment.

- Daisy’s turn.  Bret cuts her off at the knees and says “Are you doing this just to make her mad.” He also says that he and Daisy have a lot to talk about, and they can’t accomplish it in ten minutes.  So thanks for confirming that this is all scripted out, Douche.  There was never any mention of a ten minute time limit.  Daisy bops away.  Up in the room that is apparently Skank Central, she seems worried that she pissed off King Douche of Scrote-ovia.

- KayJay Tells Bret she’s a bit overwhelmed by all the girls coming at her.  Douche confessionals that this is a bad thing because how will she handle all the ladies coming at her back stage if she’s his girl?

Does Bret think it’s still 1988?  Four fat broads in Des Moines do not a harem make, Douchey.  Anyway...the big setup here is that KayJay’s in peril.  Bret closes this chunk of video with a sage and wise saying: “Sometimes it’s the right place at the right time, but you know, maybe inevitably it’s the wrong place at the wrong time.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?  Douche Svengali Michaels has spoken, y’all.

KayJay’s worried.

- Oh here we go.  The producers told Bret Bret decided to go find Daisy, as she’s been smelling onions for an hour preparing emotionally for her scene upset and crying over the idea that she disrespected Douche by interrupting his date.  he then proceeds to sell her a used car, by which I mean he told her he was glad she interrupted.  Even though he told her he wasn’t glad a few minutes ago, and sent her away.  But pay no attention to the roadie behind the curtain!  he is the Great and Powerful Douche, and whatever he;s saying at this exact moment is the new truth.

He’s like the Bill Clinton of rock.  Without the charm.  Or class.  Here’s what I mean.  His confessional for this segment:

Daisy is talking to me in her bikini and crying, and I have a true moment, and then I look at her boobs.  I’m like, ‘Fuck, she looks hot.’ Back up to the crying, down to the breasts.  Sad to see ‘em go, but tonight I’ve got eliminations and I’ve got some serious thinkin’ to do.

So, douche.  Also, note the hats over the bed.

- Elimination time.  Silica is confident.  For some reason Aubry is really upset over the idea that Kristy Joe might get eliminated.  DUH DUH DUUUUUHHHHHHHH!  Oh the drama!  Will Kristy Joe be able to leap this hurdle?  Will Bret see the real her and keep her in this house?  Will Angelique finally find out that the source of that odor is the three quarts of semen trapped behind her cervix?  Stay tuned kiddies!  Commercial.

- During the commercial that bumper I mentioned last week plays again.  He looks like he was stung in the face by a bee.

- We’re back.  Oh my GOD.  I know that some of you who don’t watch this show think I exaggerate.  Sometimes I think I do, and I watch this shit.  Then I see things like this.

Sometimes the pure class that emanates from this show takes me aback.  That is one classy piece of set decoration.  The Olde English lettering, the printed backdrop of hundreds of candles, thematically reinforced by the actual lit candles right next to it...my god that screams “good taste.” It’s like something you might see in the lobby of The Drake .

- Elimination time.  Again, KayJay is worried.  Silica is feeling great because she slapped her cooze up in Bret’s grill.  PBR read her cuecards that said thinks KayJay is a cunt.  Douche walks in with Pete Wentz levels of guyliner on. 

- First pass goes to: Superworms. he says she truly used her VIP pass properly.  What?  You told her that it was awkward and was she sure she wanted to do it, you talked to her for three minutes, made out for five, then she went away.  When Daisy did it you said it was both wrong and a good thing.  are you even aware of what you are saying any more?

I really fear that VH1 thinks we’re all this stupid.  Can most people really not see through this?

- Second one goes to Daisy, who was “classy and cool” when she interrupted his date.  Uhh.  WTF?  Oh, and Last of the Black-hicans thinks maybe she should have used her pass.  Sorry, baby.  They;re trying to give reasons to cut you without making it look like Bret’s kicking you out for you know...oh come on, you know.  Being an Obama voter.  Being a BET watcher.  Oh for fuck’s sake, how many times do I have to say it?  Bret will not date you, you’re black.

Sorry.  Also, Awesome-ometer: 2.

- Next, SCARY RUSSIAN (shut up!) BROAD gets one.  Vamps gets a pass.  Sequel gets a pass.  PBR gets a pass.  Oh my, it’s coming down to the wire for poor KayJay!  Awesome-ometer; 3.  Hombre gets one.  Chazz too.  Fivehead gets a pass.  Awesome-ometer: 4.  He doesn’t say it all episode and BAM!  Three awesomes like, bang bang bang.  You know what else he does that fast?  Look, I don’t want to spread rumors, but I hear things.  Not really, but wouldn’t it be awesome if we could start

- We’re down to Roxy, Angelique and KayJay.  Why’d he keep Fivehead over any of these?  Did he even talk to her at all during this episode?  DRAMATIC CHORDS STRIKE AS WE GO TO COMMERCIAL.

- We’re back.  The ladies are confessionaling how they want a pass, they;d be upset if they didn’t get a pass.  Blah blah blah.  KayJay gets the pass.

HOLY FUCK, SILICA’S OFF THE SHOW!  Awesome-ometer; 5.  Back to Silica.  But...but...she’s a comedy goldmine!  How DARE they do this?  I swear to fuck the intern that types out her subtitles better not be responsible for this.  if that little fucker complained about how much extra work he has because of her...fuck you, Rock of Love intern.  LOOK AT HOW MUCH I TYPE FOR YOUR FUCKING SHOW!  The least you can do is keep me entertained with really frightening, possibly-a-tranny stripper whores with duck faces!  I hate you all.  I hope everyone at VH1 dies in a fire.

Goodbye Angelique.  We’ll miss you.

- Say goodbye to the black girl.  Wait, what?  While talking to her and basically chastising her for not using her VIP interruption pass, he says the other VIP girls used their passes repeatedly to the point where he had to say “You can’t use it again.” WELL WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU SHOW US THAT PART?  Oh, I know.  It would have taken precious screen time away from the “Will Kristy Joe make it?” storyline, and also, may have entertained us, and we wouldn’t want that!

- Time to say goodbye to Silica.  He says she’s a free spirit and whatever, but he’s been down this road recently with someone that he liked.  Is he talking about Heather?  Or maybe that stripper he;s always going on about who broke his heart?  Not sure I get that reference, although Silica seemed to get it.  She doesn’t seem too broken up about this.  Of course, she knows that this is Los Angeles, and in eleven minutes she can be riding another balding millionaire with bad eyesight.  She’ll be fine.

- Next week...they are building motor cycles.  KayJay is the new Sam, all conflicted about staying, with the screaming and crying and bi-polarness.  OK.  I guess you can get Oscars for shit like that, so good for her.  Also, Aubry gets all up in Douche’s grill.  Fun.  I suppose.  ;) Also, I heard a “Ah-whassa-goin-awn” in there.  Yay!

- BTW: What the fuck?  That was it with Lacey?  That sucked.

See you next week, Rock-of-Lovers.  Only get off my ass about that Russian-Ukrainian stuff already.  ;)

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