A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - Week 1

I’m doing this show partially by request and partially because I believe it can be a train wreck of immense proportions.  Shall we take a peek at the episode that premiered last week?  I believe we shall.

- The pre-intro is a PG version of her “I Love U” music video…

- “But what you don’t know about me, is that I’m bi-sexual!” Anyone who has ever seen or heard of you already knows that, Tila.  I mean, it’s pretty obvious that dating men or women exclusively would not provide you with nearly enough sex.  You’ve done the only smart thing an internet whore can do.

- Err...so it’s 16 dudes that want to bang her.  Then it’s 16 “straight up lesbians.” Why not some bi folks on both sides?  Too much competition for cock (real and rubber alike)???

- It works like every other show like this, with eliminations each week.  The only hook is that a chick is dating chicks.  How daring.  Call me when they do “A Shot At My Cock” with George Michael.

The proper intro is just awful.  Male and female symbols everywhere...pink and blue shot glasses...this isn’t bi.  This si straight up gay...as in the junior high definition of the word.

- We open with Tila making up her face, awaiting the arrival of the dudes.  They are all - without exception, and I’m not fucking kidding, ALL - bigger douchebags than Bret Michaels ever thought of being.  I see cowboy dickheads, pumped-up New Jersey nightmares, dudes doing cartwheels or some shit, they;re all screaming her name...holy fuck.  It’s like Hot Chicks With Douchebags just came to life on my TeeVee.

- Cowboy Dickbag, who was given the name “Ashley” at birth by parents that clearly did not want a boy, just said “I ain’t never ben with an AY-shun chick before, but I lahke Chi-neeze food...” HOLY FUCKING NO HE DIDN’T.  Oh my god he did.  West Virgina....mountain mama’s boy...send him home...to his country road.

- Ugh.  This show is patterned very much after the VH1 reality shows, with the “star” delivering cornball one-liners..."Grab a key and hold on tight, because in the end, that might just be the key to my heart.” If I didn’t know better I would swear all VH1/MTV reality shows were written by 12 year old girls.  Also - DOUCHE CRUSH.  The guys mobbed the key rack like there weren’t enough to go around.  They also whooped and hollered randomly, somewhat like a family of monkeys might do while lounging in the jungle and picking nits off each other’s hairy asses.  Behavior I am almost certain we will see forthcoming on this goatfuck of a show.

- Some of the dudes are wandering the house, and some of them are crowding Tila.

- We get a name for Domenico, a waiter from Milan, Italy.  Think about every stereotype you have ever seen in films and television about an Italian man from Italy.  Now imagine that all of that was compacted into a very gay package that went about 5’5”.  You just met Domenico.  “Eef you put-a leetle beet-a twenny percent ov accent dat I a-got, an fifty percent of cookin’ meal, den it makes-a two hunnerd percent-a-chances to have da woman in de bed by de night.”

I swear to fuck, that is what and exactly how he said it.  God bless new Italian math.

Also, there’s a pro wrestler in here that no one has ever heard of named Rob.

- Each guy brought her a gift.  Eddie wrote her a song.  Eddie isn’t a bad looking dude...but he fucking sang into a rose.  The song was not good.  Tila asks him why a white rose, and he said “I’ve never gone the full distance with a woman.” Uhh...sure.  That’s not a gimmick for the show or anything.  Guys that look like runway models always stay virgins into their mid twenties.

- Ryan, from Jersey.  I can smell the d-bag on him from here.  His gift?  A dreamcatcher.  Sweet fuck.

- Alex, from NOLA, who is a white hip hop dancer.  Hence his being unemployed enough to be here on the show.  His gift was not shown.  Maybe it was a piece of a corpse from the hurricane?  (What?  What’d I say?  Too soon for Katrina jokes?)

- Rami, another waiter.  One cannot help but to notice the very, very careful MTV multi-cultural casting choices. He brought her a frog because of all the frogs in the house.  I get it...frog kissed, prince found.  Good stuff there, Rami.  You really brought your D game tonight, brother!  Tila didn’t get it.

- Michael R. who clearly worships at the altar of Fall Out Boy.  Seriously, you’re trying to impress an internet superhottie.  Did you really decide to wear your grandma’s pink quilted jacket over your all-black emo uniform, you hipster fucking doofus?  He also said that only two things make him break a sweat - sex and drums.  His gift was a pair of sticks.  So he’s a hipster emo doofus and a douchebag.  Got it.  His new name is Doofus Wentz.

- Steven, a club promoter in Dothan, Alabama.  They have more than one club in Dothan, Alabama?  He made her a painting.  Donna thinks it;s nice.  I think it looks a little like he threw up and rubbed it around with his fingers.  What do you think?

Tila thought it was enough to give him groping rights, because they started making out and hands were wandering.

- Lance is up next.  He’s a professional clown.  I’d love to mock him, but I have a policy against mocking developmentally disabled people.  No, wait, no I don’t.  He does a kind of a Dane Cook meets Clarabelle thing for her.

- Ben, a radio jock from the greater Boston area-h.  Great.  I just bet he’s a douche.  Almost everyone I ever met in the business was.  “I just thought I’d start off by tea-baggin’ ya a little bit.” HA.  HOW FUCKING FUNNY, RADIOMAN.  See, he made her a cup of tea.  Just fucking kill me now.  I told you he’d be a douche.

- Eric, a corn-row-sportin’ brotha from tha L-B-C.  Long Beach and Tila together, now you know you in trouble.  Except this boy is no gangsta.  He brought her a big motherfucking bottle of Tide.  Why? Because in case she needed to wash some clothes on his washboard abs, that’s why. 

Of course.  How could you know guess that?  Tila’s not havin’ it.  She says there’s a million guys that look like this.  Yeah, baby doll.  Like me.  I have a washboard ab too.  Washboards are shaped like overturned bathtubs, right?

- It’s Domenico’s turn to geeve hees lady a geeft.  He brought her spaghetti and meatballs.  FUCK YOU, YOU FAKE GUIDO FUCK.  I’m calling shenanigans.  He’s too much of a stereotype.  No fucking way anyone is really like that.  Tila does love a man that cooks.  He baby, I made some mushroom risotto from scratch tonight.  And I have balls of meat.  Come on over...I even have a woman here you can play with.

The other guys are watching the actor playing the Italian guy from inside the house.  One of the guys laughs like a very, very small mammal making little barking noises.

Domenico just said “Iss amazing from a lettle kees she gave me, eet wass a huge vibration in thee meedle of my legess.  Down dere wass like third worl war.” I think he’s saying that Tila’s “Lady & The Tramp” spaghetti kiss made his dick hard.  Or he’s saying his genitals are a war zone.  Not sure.

- Ashley’s next, and his gift is Wal-Mart jewelry.  He’s bragging about that it costs 30 bucks for each piece.  “It’s awhn till the break ah’dawhn!” DOUCHE.  BAG.  Country-fried dickweed.  God bless ‘im.

- We switch it up to the guys standing around chatting.  Domenico decides to ask the guys if they’d sleep with a guy for ten million dollars, and it;s some lesson about how guys are “omophobes.” Just like that, without the “h.” Gee, could Domenico be harboring a secret?  I wonder (No I don’t).

- Marcus is next.  He’s the small mammal laugher.  I imagine that if gophers laugh, it would sound a lot like Marcus.  He’s also from NOLA, and a spokesmodel.  His gift is a walkie-talkie, he has the other one.  They’re gonna do music together over them.  She imagines that she’s a musician, and apparently so does Gopher, so that should work out nicely.

He decided to tell Tila about Domenico’s weird question.  So he’s the snitch bitch of the group.  Then Country Fried Dickweed tells Gay Italian Actor what Gopher did.  And for some reason, Country Fried Dickweed calls Gopher out to the lawn talking about “YOU PISSED EVERYONE OFF IN THIS HOUSE.” They square up a bit and nothing happens.  FINALLY, the first commercial break.

- Back and we pick up with the great Country/Gopher yap session.  Neither of these fucking pussies are gonna throw, this is a waste of testosterone. Tila’s confessionalizing that the ladies would never do this.  Yeah.  Chicks never fight on reality shows over dumb shit.  Nope.  Never happens.

Anyway, it devolves into one of those yelling matches where one guys yells the same thing over and over ("YOU step aside!") and the other one just walks around him yelling random shit back.  Boring.  Tila reminds them that they’re here for her titties.

- Next we get to meet Rob, the wrestler from Henderson, Nevada.  He brought her an I (HEART) ROB shirt.  Then Bobby, a dickbag of the highest order from Worcester NY comes over an interrupts.  He’s classic douchebag.  He gives her a pair of diamond earrings.  Ten bucks says they;re fake or lab diamonds, or he stole them from the whore he picked up in the club three weeks ago.

- Greg,a “fitness model” from Rahway, New Jersey.  Finally, a true Jersey Douche!  He brought her a Kama Sutra kit.  Corny but Tila is digging it.  She asks for him to rub her arm and he pulls this d-bag “hook the dress strap” move and pulls her dress down.  POW.  Titty.  Not that she’s shy, but that was a d-bag move for the reals.

- Michael B. is next.  He’s the “geek” of the show, I bet.  Wearing a suit, but he’s a pizza delivery guy.  Total disconnect.  His gift is a pillow with a picture of himself on it.  One side says “Good morning beautiful” and the other says “Good night sexy.” Holy shit.  He was living with his mom before this.

- Time to eliminate 5 guys.  I don’t think we met every guy.  She tells them to move to the elimination room, and Gopher is worried that his bitchfight with Country is gonna hurt him.  Commercial.

- Back from commercial.  Tila is looking at pictures of the guys on a big digital picture frame.  That has to be some kind of product placement.  Also, her voiceovers and confessionals are HORRIBLE...she’s the worst actress on the entire earth.  Jessica Alba should get Oscars compared to her.  “I just don’t want to make the wrong decision!” She delivers every line in that sing-songy way that bad actors always do.

- The reveal into the elimination chamber is so corny.  She’s leaning up against a wetbar, and the thing spins around to show her to the room like she’s a Dyson on The Price Is Right.  Just corny.

- Time to send five home.  Benny, the tea bag guy goes first. “Your shot at love ends here.” Then she says “Drop the key and bounce.” Oh fucking hell.  Tila, you aren’t a black rapper, sweetie.  You can’t get away with using “bounce” like that. 

- Rami is outta here.  Him and his frog.

- Aww...Emoboy is gone!  Damn, I was looking forward to making fun of his Pete Wentz wannabe ass some more.  His parting confessional line was so ridiculous that I had to repeat it here: “I’m a little disheartened...I’m not one to be rejected...but at the same time I can beat the rhythm of a new drum.” Maybe it’s better that he’s gone.

- Lance is leaving next.  With the tears of a clown.  See what I did there?  I’m at least as funny as a Dane Cook/Clarabelle cocktail.

- Last one to go is...Big Douchey Greg.  Told you it was a dick move.  That shit may work on Bridge & Tunnel whores, but this is a famous MySpace whore.  You gotta bring your A game.

- She tells the rest of them they still have a shot at love.  There’s at least one dude in there we never met, and he’s rockin’ a faux-hawk.  Up next, the ladies.  Commercial.

- And we get to meet the lesbians.  Tila is wearing a 70s room divider as a dress.  The ladies show up...and we’ve got two kinds of lesbians - total lipstick and blatant butches.  No normal people at all.  Jesus...is this supposed to be a good thing, advancing the cause of acceptance or something?  I bet the MTV execs are patting each other on the back and not even seeing the stereotypes they are reinforcing.  But...that’s probably too deep a thought for this train wreck, so...time to mock some sisters of Sappho!

- One of them says it’s an honor to be part of something so groundbreaking.  *sigh*

- Tila shows up and the ladies let out a collective howl that threatens to raise the nearby dead.  If there are any.  I mean, how far can they really be from any random cemetary?  Trust me, the shriek these chicks let out will raise anyone in earshot.  Or kill them.

- Amanda actually sums Tila up fairly well: “I’d have to be blind...and a little retarded...not to find her sexy.” True that, sister.  You, on the other hand...what is going on in your mouth?  Was your dad Mr. Ed?

- They blow by a few of the ladies exclaiming that they are gonna get her.  Then Amanda walks out to the group late (making a fucking entrance has never been more obvious) and sits down with more panty flash than any seven Hollywood starlets.  OhMiGawd!  Her and Tila are wearing matching panties!  OhMiGawd!  Like, so kewl!  OhMiGawd!  She’s the ditz of the show who throws sexuality around like it was currency…

- Oh, we just met our drunk.  Keasha.

- Time to meet them individually...only they don’t actually do that.  One of the black girls is a virgin.  Tila is all “My prayers have been answered.” OK.  Sure.  What’s the fucking appeal of virgins anyway?  Who has time to do all that teaching?

- Back inside and three or four of the women are cuddled up on the couch.  The drunk is one of them.  One of the others is, Rebecca, an “entrepreneur” (read: internet porn chick).

- ASIDE - I am not loving this show.  I gotta tell you, it’s not grabbing me.  Maybe it’s the clunky, way-too-fast way they are blowing past everyone in this first episode, but it;s not working for me so far.

- Back to the show.  Tila curls up with Rebecca and gets flirty, but then Keasha tries to step all over the time.  It’s so obvious when Tila sends her away to go get a drink.  Only a drunk bitch wouldn’t get the hint.

- Our “star” wanders over to some other random chick.  HOW ABOUT TELLING US WHO THE FUCK THESE PEOPLE ARE?  One of the diesel lesbos is sitting right there (wearing big, square white man loafers.  Holy Cliche Batman!) and Tila blows her off.  So, clearly she has a type and it’s the lipstick.  She also seems to like girls way, WAY better than guys.

- Now we have the quiet ones with one big mouth in the crew: LaLa.  No, that’s her name.  Ever seen a sitcom?  You know every black woman that has ever been in any sitcom ever - except for Phylicia Rashad who had dignity - acts loud, bobs her head and talks like an Italian guy from Brooklyn - with her hands?  Yeah.  LaLa.  Straight Outta Central Casting, yo.

LaLa: “If you’re hella bootsy or square, it ain’ gonna work.” What in the fuck is that?  Is that even slang?  did she just make those words up and assign them random meanings?

- Tila wanders into another pair.  HOW ABOUT TELLING US THEIR NAMES?  They’re talking about relationships.  The talkative one reminds me of Christina Aguilera if she ate Christina Aguilera and got punched in the face a lot.  And she never shuts up.  Tila leaves.

- We get to meet Vanessa.  Tila is totally into her.  “Vanessa is just sooo hot.” Really?  Must be a girl thing.  I think she looks a little like a pug dog.  Anyhoo, Tila started making out with her in front of the other one we didn’t get to meet.  Tila: “Whats-her-face got no love.  I’m such a douchebag.” Yeah, kinda.  :)

- Instead of presents, the ladies get to dress up in outfits for Tila.  Ten bucks says Diesel wears a suit. Commercial.

- Back.  Vanessa is up first.  She;s a “dancer” (stripper) from Deer Park, NY.  She’ll be around more, so her name is now Pug.  her outfit is a naughty catholic school girl.

- Grace, from Glendale CA is next as a naughty nurse.  I’m sensing a theme among the lipsticks.

- Rebecca is wearing a Victoria’s Secret-style angel outfit and they have to blur the boobs, so something is going on there.  Rebecca is a bit of a butterface.

- Brandi (WHY ARE THEY AL:WAYS NAMED BRANDI WITH AN “I”???) from Costa Mesa is a naughty kitty.  Oh good lord.

- LaLa is a naughty French maid.  Now I’m just getting bored.  That giant red weave is atrocious.

- Chaos, from someplace called Berrien Springs, Michigan is sporting a huge chest tattoo.  It’s fucking horrid.  She’s a naughty soldier.  And a burlesque dancer.  OH!  She’s the talky one.  Tila just called her a butterface!  Heh.  Very true.  And that tattoo is just god-damned awful.

- Keasha is up next.  She’s the chairwoman of the itty bitty titty committee.  She;s a naughty contruction worker.  Oh for fuck’s sake, where’s the naughty cop?  How about a cowgirl and we can form a lesbian Village People?  And she fucking always says “Hey gurl, Heeeeeyyyyy!” It;s so fucking annoying.

- Ashli is our virgin lesbian.  She’s a naughty Girl Scout.  This girl is fine from the kneck down.  Even her weave looks kinda good.  Virgin my *ass*.  Virgins don’t get breast implants.

- Amanda and her horse teeth are next.  I guess she’s a dominatrix?  Can you be a naughty dominatrix?  I guess that would just be redundant.  This bitch thinks she’s the lesbian Pam Anderson.

- Here comes Steffanie, from the O.C.  She’s dressed basically as Hef.  Amanda: “I think a butchy girl is so creepy.” Yeah, kinda.  It’s an affectation and a costume.  Then again, so is everything about Amanda.

- Ellie from Reno...a naughty mechanic.  Seriously, I want to kill myself.

- Brenda, San Jose.  Naughty cab driver.  FUCKING STOP IT.

- Dani, aka Diesel, who is a real firefighter.  So she’s dressed as...guess.  Come on.  Guess.

- Scout from Kansas City is dressed as....uhh...a chick going to the pool.  She’s wearing an orange bikini and this is what she said: “Orange you glad I have a big enough personality that I don’t need a cheesy pickup line to make you mine?” But...Oh, I get it!  irony!  Fucking moron.  Try not to fall over in those heels you might hurt your brain cell.

- Sara, from Orangvale CA, wearing what looks like playing cards on a string.  Given that she’s covered in pixelixation, I’m guessing that the cards aren’t covering what they should be covering.

- Krystal, Kansas City, struts out wearing 36 American flags on a cowgirl outfit.  So, we got the cowgirl.  She’s jiggling like a bowl of Jello.  She did NOT buy those titties.  Too bad she wasn’t born with a face to match ‘em.

- Tila: ‘I look back, and it looked like the lesbian Village People or something.” Hey, that sounds familiar…

- Five ladies are gonna get cut.  She does the digital photo thing again.

- Wetbar reveal again.  CORN-KNEE.

- Scout is out.  her and her extra belly.

- Ellie (What’s-her-name) is too shy for Tila.  Get to steppin’.  Aww, Ellie cried.  So sad.  Or something.

- Chaos gets the boot.  Good.  One of the fugs has been slain.

- Brenda is out.  It hurt her ego.  Gee, ya think?  What’d you expect?

One more...it’s Keasha.  Damn.  So that means no drunken shenanigans and “Hey gurl heeeeyyy.” But you’ll love the nonsense of her final statement:  “I wish that she coulda seen who I am, but she did see who I am. I never portrayed myself to be somebody that I wasn’t, coincidentally, just because of, you know, here or there. It brought me to this positions, I guess, so to speak.”

Yeah.  That made sense.  “Coincidentally?” I do not think that word means what you think it means, Keasha.

- Pool party tomorrow with everyone who is left.  The guys and the girls didn’t know about the other group.  Commercial.

- Aside - Holy shit was that Kurt Loder?  He’s still working here?  Wow.  That dude is O.L.D.  Oh shit.  That makes me...oh fuck.

- Back from commercial, and it’s time for the pool party.  This isn’t it’s own episode?  Damn they are moving fast.  Anyway, Tila is definitely wearing a bathing suit...and Marcus (Gohper) sums up my thoughts: “Damn!  She finer than a mothafucka!”

Also, Domenico is wearing an Italian flag Speedo.  God-dammit.  This pisses me off like the Irish stereotypes from Heroes.  I mean, why does the guniea have to be such a fucking joke?  Can’t we have a smooth, sophisticated Italian dude from Milan?  Why does it have to be an actor playing a gay-esque Italian stereotype?  Fucking dicks.

Tila: “What is that?  I didn’t realize that Italy was such a small country.” Ouch.

- Pool party starts.  Water slide.  The dudes make total asses of themselves trying to get Tila’s attention.  Then the ladies show up.  IN A PINK FUCKING CADDY.  Jesus.

- Tila gathers the dudes to give them the speech.  They start to bring in the ladies.  She’s nervous about telling them the truth. “I haven’t even told my mom and dad.” How could they not know?  Do they not get Google in her parent’s house?  So the lesbians come in.

“Boys...I have a secret.” They lesbians come into the pool area.  The guys are getting excited.  Sorry dudes.  Wrong tree.  Tila “never ever told anyone this before, but, I wanna let you all know that...I’m a bisexual.” NO FUCKING SHIT?

- This season on A Shot At Love.  We get to see a bunch of weird shit.  One huge mess: pudding wrestling, one big bed for everyone, lots of fighting including two lesbians in a hair-pulling knockdown at one of the eliminations, Country Fried screaming for Tila outside a window (maybe after he gets the boot)...I think I saw him in a fight as well...loads of crying and drama and one ambulance.

Yeah, I guess I could watch this.  :) Come back for more.  To tide you over, here’s a totally Not Safe For Work gallery of Tila pictures where she’s all nude and naked and stuff.  To reiterate, this is a gallery of Tila Tequila nude.  You’re welcome.

Posted by JimK at 11:08 PM on October 14, 2007
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