Sat, 12 Apr 2008 16:12:01
Notes for my wife, part 1; The backstory
So I leave Donna notes when I go somewhere before she gets up. Always have. Usually a quick “Gone to ___, be back in ___ (mins/hrs). Love you, Jim”
For some reason I forgot a few times when going to the gym, and that inspired the first of what has now become an internalized game of “How do I top that?” She suggested that I share them with you all. And so I am.
Cute, right? Good lord I’m so witty. Somehow that led to this:
Amusing and all, but I’m hardly the first to do a 419 scam joke. Low hanging fruit and all that. So...the next one had to be...more ambitious. And I was going to have to type it.
1/26/08
I didn’t intend to experience the Gym Witch for real. This started out because Mike and I wanted to make a movie about the Gym Witch. We got our friend Josh to drive us over there. Weird shit has been happening. Mike found his gym bag stuffed with old socks and underwear this morning.
1/27/08
OK this is too crazy. Josh accused Mike of making a water bottle pyramid outside his tent last night. Mike swears he didn’t do it. This morning I found little figures made out of earbuds and small white towels all over the camp site. I think some of the locals are trying to fuck with us.
1/28/08
Josh is gone. Mike went to wake him up this morning and he’s just gone. All of his stuff is here. I’m scared. I didn’t want to get anyone hurt. I just wanted to make a movie about the Gym Witch!
1/31/08
I just wanted to say to Mike’s mom, and Josh’s mom, and my mom, that I’m sorry to everyone. I was very naive. I am so, so sorry for everything that has happened. Because, despite of what Mike says now it is my fault. It was my project and I insisted. I insisted on everything. I insisted that we weren’t dehydrated. I insisted that we weren’t overdoing the treadmills. I insisted that we keep doing Group Power. Everything had to be my way and this is where we’ve ended up. And it’s all because of me that we’re here now. Hungry, cold and exhausted, and the hot tub is broken. I love you Mom and Dad, and I am so sorry.
WHAT WAS THAT?
I’m scared to close my locker. I’m scared to open it. We’re going to die in here.
2/1/08
We’ve found a building. Mike and I are going in. Tell my wife I went to the gym around 3:30.
Ok. Game raised, level advanced, but still, a Blair Witch parody? In 2008? Surely I can do better. This idea spawned the first two of the “Captain Jim Adventures.” I’ll save that for later, as they are best read in order. Skipping ahead to a day when I didn’t have time for a Captain Jim, she received this:
Dear Guest of Room 2023,
It has come to our attention that you expect a note from your husband, a Mr. James A. Kenefick, age 37. We regret to inform you that Mr. Kenefick will not be able to leave you the aforementioned note as he is currently exhausted, and says he’s too “fuzzy-brained to think straight and be funny, but tell her I left around quarter to four.”
We’re not sure what that means, but rest assured it is a direct quote. The management of this hotel takes our responsibility to accurately portray the feelings and words of our guests very seriously.
While we have your attention, we’d like to inform you that we’ll hire clown, cars or hookers for your party, business meeting or social gathering, so please think of us if you ever need a function room, a ride to the airport or wish to stage an orgy with paid sex workers. Our concierge desk is at your disposal 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We also do a nice bagel platter.
Thank you, and enjoy the remainder of your stay.
Yours,
The Management.
And later still, this, the style and inspiration for which regular readers will spot right off:
On last night’s episode of “Jim of Love” the star douchebag of the show just up and left early to, as he put it, “go to the gym.” The ladies went nuts! They sat around in the kitchen drinking grain alcohol and plotting these whore-type acts of revenge.
- Summer(’s Eve) started tearing up the “secret enclave” bedroom. Just ripped it to shreds, then peed on the big poster of Jim that he keeps on his wall.- Tawnii (With two I’s, tee hee! Seriously, who spells it like that? Sex workers who never earn more than 22.65 an hour, that’s who) pulled some random camera guy in the bathroom - and all we heard were slurping sounds.
- The favorite to win, Bitch McCunterson (Amiee - with two E’s!) took a cab to the gym, walked in the front door totally nude, then proceeded to get herself off with a huge black vibrating dildo right there in the stretching studio.
Weirdest episode ever.
The messed up thing was, he left at 3:30-ish. He was actually scheduled to go in around 4, so these “ladies” didn’t need to overreact! What a stupid show. Who watches this crap?
If you’re wondering why I’m leaving her notes at 3:30 in the afternoon, it’s because while I finally switched (mostly) from a nocturnal existence to a daystar-centric one, she has not. So often I’m up and out before she even straggles down stairs. By the way, the method I most often use to wake up early? Not give a frig how late I actually went to sleep and just dealing with it. It’s not like I get to sleep that much earlier these days. Sleep is for dead people and cats.
Part 2 of this saga is coming soon. A taste:
This brings us to the Captain Jim Adventures. I don’t know where these came from, as I was not playing any WWII games, reading any WWII books or watching any WWII movies in the weeks before this started. Also, they tend to pop into my head fully formed. I can’t type fast enough to get them down. All I know is they’re getting longer and I really, really need to learn to write short crap on envelopes again. :)
Captain Jim, Part 1: The Flight
It was a dark and stormy night. Captain Jim Kenefick drew the collar of his flight jacket close to his neck, hoping to keep the chill wind at bay.“My God, it is fucking freezing in here!” he remarked to his co-pilot. The wind howled through the hole in the fuselage, drowning out the co-pilot’s reply.
“What did you say?” Jim yelled.
“I said there’s a fucking war on, sir! We’re lucky that German bastard didn’t shoot us out of the sky! Sir!”
Sergeant Ralph Gotto had been Jim’s co-pilot since the early days of the Army Air Corps’ entry into World War II. They’d flown countless missions together, dropping bombs over tiny Pacific islands, transporting cargo over frozen Chinese mountain ranges, bringing needed supplies to troops in France. Now they were on their most important mission yet: going to Stop & Shop.
The rest to come later tonight!
Posted by JimK at 04:12 PM on April 12, 2008
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